A holiday with friends gets this response?

[SunshineSally99]

What are people’s views on this because I for the life of me cannot get my head around this.

I’ve decided to book a day trip abroad with my friend. We havnt done this since pre Covid so will be looking forward to it.

I told my boyfriend who I’ve been with for almost 2 years and he was really annoyed about it.
we’ve started doing those extreme day trips and overnights abroad after seeing a few groups online about it and we’ve had 2 trips and have a few more booked.

I enjoy travelling and me and this friend had been away before for her divorce and years before I met my boyfriend.

he went quiet and what I think was going in a mood over it saying he was bothered because I’m now doing something with someone else when he thought it was “our thing” and “special to us”

he then said he feels really embarrassed by thinking we had something that was special to us and that he held such a sentiment to it and now it’s not something we do that’s special to us as a couple it’s something I do with whoever.

He then said it’s ok if I don’t go you can just ask someone else or someone else so it’s fine. I said would it be any different if I went away in this country and he said yes because it’s all the time we’ve spent planning and talking and discussing different destinations.

he said not many couples do it and he feels stupid to think that way. He said his ego feels bruised and he feels stupid for thinking we had something together and that I don’t think of it the same way.

He also now says he’s realised that if he doesn’t go I can just ask someone else and I’m like yeah… again pretty normal.

I said I wouldn’t have an issue with him going away with a friend because that’s what people do. I could see his point if I stopped asking or planning holidays away and just went with my friends then I could see his point but a one off trip that I havnt done in years?

I said it’s not so much the activity itself but it’s about the people you spend the time with that makes it important. He’s now saying he’s not that bothered about booking anything else anytime soon because it’s not special anymore and refused to book anything else. I said he was cutting his own nose off here.

I said he’s showing protest behaviour and actually this can look really controlling. He said he doesn’t have an issue with me going away if it was for a birthday, hen do or a reason but he’s struggling with the whole extreme day trip idea.

he says I havnt done anything wrong which I know this and that his feelings are his own and he has to deal with them. I won’t stop myself from going because I’ve not got no reason not to go. I’m only going for a day and it shouldnt be this hard!

I don’t know if he’s jealous or envious because he hasn’t got hardly any friends to do things with but that isn’t my issue.

it’s really concerning because any partner should be like that’s amazing hope you have a nice time… but I get this response? I’m trying to see it from his point of view in thinking that we had something for us but to be honest travelling I feel is a pretty ordinary part of life.

his last relationship they both never had much outside of each other and he felt guilty for having a life outside his marriage because she would guilt trip him for going… and yet now he’s behaving in the same way.

This wasn’t an extreme day trip though. This was a “weekend” away, which is very normal. From my understanding, your BF knew you’d been away with friend X on a weekend trip. Then you and BF start doing extreme day trips, which is not a very regular thing, so I get how he might think this is “your special thing”. Now you’re doing an extreme day trip with friend X. For you it feels like again, for him it feels like the first time you’re going this either friend X. I am guessing you both look at extreme days trips differently, you probably find them a bit more normal and he probably still finds them a bit weird and not something commonly done, hence it’s your thing (in his mind). For him it’s probably like you’ve always gotten up at 6am on Sunday to go bird watching, and now you’re suddenly getting up at 6am to go bird watching with friend X. While you think you did this before, he thinks you went bird watching with her on a random afternoon.
Whilst I can get his mental confusion, I think his reaction is childish and ridiculous. I also think there is a mismatch between you in terms of doing stuff with friends outside of your relationship. There is nothing wrong with doing stuff with friends, but do you want to be in a relationship with someone who only relies on you to do stuff with? And do you want to be in a relationship with someone who wants to claim sole ownership over you for certain activities? And do you want to be in a relationship with someone who gets manipulative and snarky when you do something he doesn’t like? (Because his childish behaviour IS manipulative, even if he said he doesn’t mind you going, His behaviour is telling you something else and he is hoping you will not go).

Bleugh. Could not be doing with it. There’ll be no end to it. Next thing you know your weekly shop to Tesco is special to him so don’t go with anyone else!

You could have been me 20+ years ago. I was independent and travelled when I met my now ex husband. I always think that the things that men are attracted to in a woman is ultimately the thing they dislike about you and want to change. He will make things so difficult for you that you end up saying no to things with friends to avoid the conflict. Don’t go down that route. I did and became a shadow of my former self as soon as we had children and he had that to guilt trip me by saying I was not ‘putting them first’ if I wanted to do anything social with anyone not involving him. He had no friends so it was easy he didn’t get asked to do anything anyway. I got divorced as I knew once the kids were older it would be me and him doing everything or nothing together and that is not how I want to live my life.
Luckily still have great friends but it could’ve been a different story if I didn’t maintain those friendships if he had got his way over the years. Get out now while you still have time to meet someone else who will be on your wavelength.

I think its fine for you to do this trip and others but I also get that it might be a big realisation for him that something he believed was special between the two of you is not. I don't think that you should give up the trips but I do think this might be a dealbreaker between the two of you and if it is well it is. I think it depends on whether he can get over his feelings, if he can't well that's not the fault of either of you.

Could you link the thread?

I think he's absolutely pathetic.

You shouldn't put up with manipulative, controlling crap like this.

@SunshineSally99 , I do these extreme days out very frequently, sometimes with my husband and sometimes with friends and my dds. If my husband seemed annoyed even once, he'd be getting the boot. I love these trips and nothing and no one would ever whinge enough to create a negative atmosphere around it. Besides, whinging and sulking has never killed anyone, so, let him crack on with sulking but its up to you whether you tolerate it or not, I know I couldnt.

I can actually imagine being a bit hurt in this situation if me and my partner had this unusual tradition we'd done a few times and made plans about, and then I found out he was doing it with a friend and I wasn't invited. I don't think that's is fair to stop you going, but I don't actually think it's a crazy reaction to feel a bit down about it.

It sounds like he's accepted you are going to go and he's not generally controlling so I don't think this by itself is a red flag for him being controlling. I think this is a case of mismatched sentiment attached to this specific activity you do together and he has some feelings about it he has to deal with. I don't think it necessarily has to be a reflection of your whole relationship dynamic unless you feel it fits into a wider pattern.

No it’s not! I’d love to see that thread though! How ironic

No it’s not! I’d love to see that thread though! How ironic

I thought it was some sort of extreme sport when you get there not just going on short trips! Why would he see that as something special?? It’s unfair of him to make you feel guilty for wanting to go away with a friend.

What a clown.
Get rid.
Seriously.

I would just stop discussing it with him and go on the trip. Have a lovely time and be normal, breezy and send the occasional message while you’re away (if that’s what you normally do.) Then similar when you’re back. And see how he reacts. Maybe it’ll blow over and he’ll let it go? If not, you’ll have some decisions to make. But I don’t think keeping bringing it up now / before you go will help at all.

*Duv · Today 20:42
I can actually imagine being a bit hurt in this situation if me and my partner had this unusual tradition we'd done a few times and made plans about, and then I found out he was doing it with a friend and I wasn't invited. I don't think that's is fair to stop you going, but I don't actually think it's a crazy reaction to feel a bit down about it.
But she did this with her friend before boyfriend came along, if Ive understood correctly.

🚩🚩🚩

I went for a few nights before

whereas me and him are doing the day trips and have stayed overnight twice etc. me and my friend are doing to day trip thing this time and not staying overnight.

either way the duration of it shouldn’t really be of interest in my opinion.

I’ve been away lots with friends or my sister without my partner of 25 years. He literally waves me off as he can game to his heart’s content at all hours! He doesn’t have friends and rarely leaves the house.

if he said that couldn’t go I’d laugh in his face 😂

we have a DS now and they both like it when I go away as they can both game and eat pizza and live in squalor with a big tidy up before I get back.

Woahhh. Definitely using the 'i thought it was our thing's an excuse to guilt trip you. He Definitely is just jealous and controlling and doesn't want you going without him
Runnnnn

If he wants to keep the extreme day trip as your ‘thing’ together just have a few days away with your friend - see how he reacts to that !?

The “that isn’t my issue” while explaining he has few friends does not paint you in a very loving light. Not to mention that if it means there is an imbalance in your relationship it is very much ‘your issue’.

The guy is telling you he’s upset and why, you may not like what he says but that level of openness is to be celebrated. Instead of talking about his concerns and considering compromise on both sides (because thats what you do in a relationship) you are shooting him down. That’s not very nice. If you are not willing to compromise for the happiness of your partner and instead choose to trash-talk him, maybe he would be better off without you anyway?

And all for what- a pretty pointless waste of fossil fuel and a cool story for the socials?

This is the start OP. Next he won't want you to go out anywhere with friends, then he will moan about you seeing family, before you know it, you won't be able to go shopping without him. This is a very slippery slope. Get out now before you get stuck in a controlling relationship.

I hope you enjoy your trip with your friend, but i bet he will be messaging you every ten minutes while you are gone just to put himself in the picture.

This reminds me of my ex who was jealous I was cuddling my newborn niece too much and he felt like I loved her more than me. Red flag central, this would be a deal breaker for me ( the deranged niece comment was the deal Breaker for me!)

What does compromise look like to you then? I don’t go?

and if someone chooses to not to keep investing in their friendships to keep them alive or to make an effort to see them then how is that my issue? I can only say a few times to him you ought to message X or why don’t you see if Y is free. If he chooses not to then what else can I do? Take his phone for him.

very interesting

Verrrrry manipulative and controlling! Especially the whole “I’m embarrassed, I thought it was special to us” thing - silly mind games trying to insinuate you don’t “love him
like he loves you”. Holidays with friends are completely different to holidays with partners and unless he’s 18 and a bit wet behind the ears he should know that.

He’s trying to make your world as small as his own.