Page 9 | A holiday with friends gets this response?

SunshineSally99 · 2026-01-17T12:06:31+00:00

What are people’s views on this because I for the life of me cannot get my head around this. I’ve decided to book a day trip abroad with my friend. We havnt done this since pre Covid so will be looking forward to it. I told my boyfriend who I’ve been with for almost 2 years and he was really annoyed about it. we’ve started doing those extreme day trips and overnights abroad after seeing a few groups online about it and we’ve had 2 trips and have a few more booked. I enjoy travelling and me and this friend had been away before for her divorce and years before I met my boyfriend. he went quiet and what I think was going in a mood over it saying he was bothered because I’m now doing something with someone else when he thought it was “our thing” and “special to us” he then said he feels really embarrassed by thinking we had something that was special to us and that he held such a sentiment to it and now it’s not something we do that’s special to us as a couple it’s something I do with whoever. He then said it’s ok if I don’t go you can just ask someone else or someone else so it’s fine. I said would it be any different if I went away in this country and he said yes because it’s all the time we’ve spent planning and talking and discussing different destinations. he said not many couples do it and he feels stupid to think that way. He said his ego feels bruised and he feels stupid for thinking we had something together and that I don’t think of it the same way. He also now says he’s realised that if he doesn’t go I can just ask someone else and I’m like yeah… again pretty normal. I said I wouldn’t have an issue with him going away with a friend because that’s what people do. I could see his point if I stopped asking or planning holidays away and just went with my friends then I could see his point but a one off trip that I havnt done in years? I said it’s not so much the activity itself but it’s about the people you spend the time with that makes it important. He’s now saying he’s not that bothered about booking anything else anytime soon because it’s not special anymore and refused to book anything else. I said he was cutting his own nose off here. I said he’s showing protest behaviour and actually this can look really controlling. He said he doesn’t have an issue with me going away if it was for a birthday, hen do or a reason but he’s struggling with the whole extreme day trip idea. he says I havnt done anything wrong which I know this and that his feelings are his own and he has to deal with them. I won’t stop myself from going because I’ve not got no reason not to go. I’m only going for a day and it shouldnt be this hard! I don’t know if he’s jealous or envious because he hasn’t got hardly any friends to do things with but that isn’t my issue. it’s really concerning because any partner should be like that’s amazing hope you have a nice time… but I get this response? I’m trying to see it from his point of view in thinking that we had something for us but to be honest travelling I feel is a pretty ordinary part of life. his last relationship they both never had much outside of each other and he felt guilty for having a life outside his marriage because she would guilt trip him for going… and yet now he’s behaving in the same way.

Justanothermum42 · 19/01/2026 08:20

Time to find a new bf… his ego is bruised you want to spend a day with a friend? 😏

CatsWhiskersandClaws · 19/01/2026 10:27

As someone who thought their life was effectively over when I hospitalised and sectioned (it wasn’t it went back to 99.9% the same) - whilst I wouldn’t go as far as feeling every day is a gift, I would say this is the one life you get to live.

Prancingpickle · 19/01/2026 11:24

SunshineSally99 · 18/01/2026 20:53

No it’s not! I’d love to see that thread though! How ironic

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I found the link but it's been removed by Mumsnet for being too outing.
But I honestly thought it was a reverse - sorry.

Bobibbsleigh · 19/01/2026 13:01

Big Red Flag

MyMiniMetro · 19/01/2026 13:59

SunshineSally99 · 19/01/2026 07:13

What does compromise look like to you then? I don’t go?

and if someone chooses to not to keep investing in their friendships to keep them alive or to make an effort to see them then how is that my issue? I can only say a few times to him you ought to message X or why don’t you see if Y is free. If he chooses not to then what else can I do? Take his phone for him.

very interesting

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A possible compromise might be you don’t go abroad but you do a daytrip in the UK. If it’s all about seeing your friend that shouldn’t be a hardship? In fact you’d probably be able to do more together.

Why feel he has to make/maintain friends? He might not like the people he knows, they may not be friendships he wants to maintain. Being in a relationship means working with what your partner is now and if they don’t have many friends, you will be fulfilling much of the time and functions friends would have taken. This means being sensitive to that and not routinely doing non-essential things yourself that he has no chance of doing, if it leaves him feeling bad.

For example my partner cancelled their Mother’s Day plans with their mother to stay with me as I had lost my mother a few weeks before. It felt like a kick in the teeth for them to disappear with their mother etc etc ….was it reasonable of me? Probably not. But a relationship is about doing what keeps your relationship harmonious not what outsiders judge is reasonable or unreasonable.

Your relationship is not currently harmonious. What needs to happen to keep it harmonious?

WryNecked · 19/01/2026 14:26

MyMiniMetro · 19/01/2026 13:59

A possible compromise might be you don’t go abroad but you do a daytrip in the UK. If it’s all about seeing your friend that shouldn’t be a hardship? In fact you’d probably be able to do more together.

Why feel he has to make/maintain friends? He might not like the people he knows, they may not be friendships he wants to maintain. Being in a relationship means working with what your partner is now and if they don’t have many friends, you will be fulfilling much of the time and functions friends would have taken. This means being sensitive to that and not routinely doing non-essential things yourself that he has no chance of doing, if it leaves him feeling bad.

For example my partner cancelled their Mother’s Day plans with their mother to stay with me as I had lost my mother a few weeks before. It felt like a kick in the teeth for them to disappear with their mother etc etc ….was it reasonable of me? Probably not. But a relationship is about doing what keeps your relationship harmonious not what outsiders judge is reasonable or unreasonable.

Your relationship is not currently harmonious. What needs to happen to keep it harmonious?

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I feel this should be a sticky on 'What Not To Do' at the top of every Relationships thread. It's like a spectacularly terrible recipe for compromising your own life for the sake of a man who has no friends, and therefore needs you to fulfil all friend functions to keep things 'harmonious'.

if you think that's in any way equivalent to a partner being sensitive to someone grieving their mother's recent death on Mother's Day, I'd really think that through again.

northernlight20 · 19/01/2026 14:30

MyMiniMetro · 19/01/2026 13:59

A possible compromise might be you don’t go abroad but you do a daytrip in the UK. If it’s all about seeing your friend that shouldn’t be a hardship? In fact you’d probably be able to do more together.

Why feel he has to make/maintain friends? He might not like the people he knows, they may not be friendships he wants to maintain. Being in a relationship means working with what your partner is now and if they don’t have many friends, you will be fulfilling much of the time and functions friends would have taken. This means being sensitive to that and not routinely doing non-essential things yourself that he has no chance of doing, if it leaves him feeling bad.

For example my partner cancelled their Mother’s Day plans with their mother to stay with me as I had lost my mother a few weeks before. It felt like a kick in the teeth for them to disappear with their mother etc etc ….was it reasonable of me? Probably not. But a relationship is about doing what keeps your relationship harmonious not what outsiders judge is reasonable or unreasonable.

Your relationship is not currently harmonious. What needs to happen to keep it harmonious?

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honestly op, ignore this advice, its as bonkers as your boyfriend's. weird.

wrongthinker · 19/01/2026 14:47

MyMiniMetro · 19/01/2026 13:59

A possible compromise might be you don’t go abroad but you do a daytrip in the UK. If it’s all about seeing your friend that shouldn’t be a hardship? In fact you’d probably be able to do more together.

Why feel he has to make/maintain friends? He might not like the people he knows, they may not be friendships he wants to maintain. Being in a relationship means working with what your partner is now and if they don’t have many friends, you will be fulfilling much of the time and functions friends would have taken. This means being sensitive to that and not routinely doing non-essential things yourself that he has no chance of doing, if it leaves him feeling bad.

For example my partner cancelled their Mother’s Day plans with their mother to stay with me as I had lost my mother a few weeks before. It felt like a kick in the teeth for them to disappear with their mother etc etc ….was it reasonable of me? Probably not. But a relationship is about doing what keeps your relationship harmonious not what outsiders judge is reasonable or unreasonable.

Your relationship is not currently harmonious. What needs to happen to keep it harmonious?

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This makes you sound insane. Why should OP change her perfectly reasonable plans? Why shouldn't her bf just get over it and be happy for her? Why is it up to OP to keep things 'harmonious'? Why not him? Weird. Or are you the boyfriend?

QuietPiggy · 19/01/2026 14:59

MyMiniMetro · 19/01/2026 13:59

A possible compromise might be you don’t go abroad but you do a daytrip in the UK. If it’s all about seeing your friend that shouldn’t be a hardship? In fact you’d probably be able to do more together.

Why feel he has to make/maintain friends? He might not like the people he knows, they may not be friendships he wants to maintain. Being in a relationship means working with what your partner is now and if they don’t have many friends, you will be fulfilling much of the time and functions friends would have taken. This means being sensitive to that and not routinely doing non-essential things yourself that he has no chance of doing, if it leaves him feeling bad.

For example my partner cancelled their Mother’s Day plans with their mother to stay with me as I had lost my mother a few weeks before. It felt like a kick in the teeth for them to disappear with their mother etc etc ….was it reasonable of me? Probably not. But a relationship is about doing what keeps your relationship harmonious not what outsiders judge is reasonable or unreasonable.

Your relationship is not currently harmonious. What needs to happen to keep it harmonious?

Show quote history

If you shrink your life down to accommodate the smallness of someone else's, your life will not be 'harmonious'. It will be full of resentment-suppressed or not.

MyMiniMetro · 19/01/2026 16:02

There a general theme here that OP doing anything other than ‘whatever the OP wants to do’ is wrong. Thing is we don’t have to live with the consequences of the OP doing that.

It doesn’t matter if we view the partner as right or wrong in his attitude- it’s his attitude. Now the OP has a choice to work with that attitude towards a more harmonious relationship or to not work with that attitude and move away from a harmonious relationship.

Wishing he didn’t have that attitude at all is not going to change anything. I’m actually a relationship therapist in the ACT modality - feel free to read up about ‘change point’ in relationships. As bonkers as it might sound, it is a thing.

Working towards a harmonious relationship can take lots of different forms -compromise is probably the healthiest. Does that involve making your world smaller- possibly. But if it makes your relationship stronger and your life richer for the love you share, might it be worth it? I obviously can’t answer that. I just know that personally I would not risk my relationship over the opportunity to spend 5 hrs at an airport 5hrs on a plane and what, 6-10 hours hanging out exhausted somewhere abroad. Should partner be making this a risk, well like my situation after losing my mum, probably not- but he is creating this change point that’s the reality. Like it or not you have to work with what’s in front of you.

Original poster

SunshineSally99 · 19/01/2026 16:14

MyMiniMetro · 19/01/2026 13:59

A possible compromise might be you don’t go abroad but you do a daytrip in the UK. If it’s all about seeing your friend that shouldn’t be a hardship? In fact you’d probably be able to do more together.

Why feel he has to make/maintain friends? He might not like the people he knows, they may not be friendships he wants to maintain. Being in a relationship means working with what your partner is now and if they don’t have many friends, you will be fulfilling much of the time and functions friends would have taken. This means being sensitive to that and not routinely doing non-essential things yourself that he has no chance of doing, if it leaves him feeling bad.

For example my partner cancelled their Mother’s Day plans with their mother to stay with me as I had lost my mother a few weeks before. It felt like a kick in the teeth for them to disappear with their mother etc etc ….was it reasonable of me? Probably not. But a relationship is about doing what keeps your relationship harmonious not what outsiders judge is reasonable or unreasonable.

Your relationship is not currently harmonious. What needs to happen to keep it harmonious?

Show quote history

I’m sorry but it’s not even comparable… a partner staying with you grieving Mother’s Day I get. You’ve just lost someone and then going to spend a Mother’s Day when you can’t do that yourself following the death of your loved one.. yeah stay with you to support you through a difficult time 100%

me not going away because someone has an issue with it..: I’m sorry it’s just not even on the same wavelength.

relationships are give and take and compromise absolutely but at the expense of loosing yourself? I’ve seen people around me do this and then when their relationships end they have no support system, no friends, no ways out. Why do people stay so long? It’s because of this shrinking their life down to accommodate someone else.

anyways, thanks for the viewpoint

OP posts:

maggiemuff · 19/01/2026 16:14

He is gas lighting you, leave now before it is worse

wrongthinker · 19/01/2026 16:17

MyMiniMetro · 19/01/2026 16:02

There a general theme here that OP doing anything other than ‘whatever the OP wants to do’ is wrong. Thing is we don’t have to live with the consequences of the OP doing that.

It doesn’t matter if we view the partner as right or wrong in his attitude- it’s his attitude. Now the OP has a choice to work with that attitude towards a more harmonious relationship or to not work with that attitude and move away from a harmonious relationship.

Wishing he didn’t have that attitude at all is not going to change anything. I’m actually a relationship therapist in the ACT modality - feel free to read up about ‘change point’ in relationships. As bonkers as it might sound, it is a thing.

Working towards a harmonious relationship can take lots of different forms -compromise is probably the healthiest. Does that involve making your world smaller- possibly. But if it makes your relationship stronger and your life richer for the love you share, might it be worth it? I obviously can’t answer that. I just know that personally I would not risk my relationship over the opportunity to spend 5 hrs at an airport 5hrs on a plane and what, 6-10 hours hanging out exhausted somewhere abroad. Should partner be making this a risk, well like my situation after losing my mum, probably not- but he is creating this change point that’s the reality. Like it or not you have to work with what’s in front of you.

You're a therapist? FFS and yet you have zero emotional intelligence.

Of course whatever OP wants to do is fine. I dread to think what hell you put your clients through, telling them that their own needs and wishes don't matter as long as they keep their partner happy.

Seriously your comments are some of the worst I've ever read on MN.

Notmycircusnotmyotter · 19/01/2026 16:23

I can't believe people are defending his point of view. He's a controlling git!

outerspacepotato · 19/01/2026 16:30

MyMiniMetro · 19/01/2026 16:02

There a general theme here that OP doing anything other than ‘whatever the OP wants to do’ is wrong. Thing is we don’t have to live with the consequences of the OP doing that.

It doesn’t matter if we view the partner as right or wrong in his attitude- it’s his attitude. Now the OP has a choice to work with that attitude towards a more harmonious relationship or to not work with that attitude and move away from a harmonious relationship.

Wishing he didn’t have that attitude at all is not going to change anything. I’m actually a relationship therapist in the ACT modality - feel free to read up about ‘change point’ in relationships. As bonkers as it might sound, it is a thing.

Working towards a harmonious relationship can take lots of different forms -compromise is probably the healthiest. Does that involve making your world smaller- possibly. But if it makes your relationship stronger and your life richer for the love you share, might it be worth it? I obviously can’t answer that. I just know that personally I would not risk my relationship over the opportunity to spend 5 hrs at an airport 5hrs on a plane and what, 6-10 hours hanging out exhausted somewhere abroad. Should partner be making this a risk, well like my situation after losing my mum, probably not- but he is creating this change point that’s the reality. Like it or not you have to work with what’s in front of you.

Making the partner's world smaller is what control and abuse is about.

He should be dealing with his negative thoughts and rigidity about his gf traveling with a friend rather than trying to restrict her from traveling.

northernlight20 · 19/01/2026 16:32

op, its ok to be single. better than being gaslighted and controlled. and the keyboard therapists on here really shocks me, lord have mercy on the clients of such.

whackwhackoops · 19/01/2026 17:03

SunshineSally99 · 19/01/2026 16:14

I’m sorry but it’s not even comparable… a partner staying with you grieving Mother’s Day I get. You’ve just lost someone and then going to spend a Mother’s Day when you can’t do that yourself following the death of your loved one.. yeah stay with you to support you through a difficult time 100%

me not going away because someone has an issue with it..: I’m sorry it’s just not even on the same wavelength.

relationships are give and take and compromise absolutely but at the expense of loosing yourself? I’ve seen people around me do this and then when their relationships end they have no support system, no friends, no ways out. Why do people stay so long? It’s because of this shrinking their life down to accommodate someone else.

anyways, thanks for the viewpoint

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100% agree with you OP. Just because it’s not something he would do with friends (if he had any) doesn’t mean he should make you feel wrong for wanting to do it. A healthy relationship is compromise on both sides but where is his compromise? Just saying no. You would have more respect and love for him if he encouraged you to have a good time and was thinking about a trip you might want to do together later in the year. What would you say or how would you react if he announced he was going away with mates?

Original poster

SunshineSally99 · 19/01/2026 17:10

whackwhackoops · 19/01/2026 17:03

100% agree with you OP. Just because it’s not something he would do with friends (if he had any) doesn’t mean he should make you feel wrong for wanting to do it. A healthy relationship is compromise on both sides but where is his compromise? Just saying no. You would have more respect and love for him if he encouraged you to have a good time and was thinking about a trip you might want to do together later in the year. What would you say or how would you react if he announced he was going away with mates?

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If he went I would be like that’s fine enjoy.. what’s the details.. when where etc.

of course I’d be like ahh ill miss you but have a great time. Then I’d fill my time with doing something for myself.

if he was like ahh ill miss you but have a great time I think its different isn’t it…

OP posts:

whackwhackoops · 19/01/2026 17:31

Yes I always thought it was short sighted of my ex to have a problem with me seeing friends or the odd short trip. If you aren’t compatible in that way then call it a day before it gets to the point when you are worried abont telling him of you get invited out in case he reacts badly. No way to live. Such a shame when otherwise the relationship is really good ☹️

LouiseK93 · 19/01/2026 19:06

What a fragile little twerp!
He sounds like my friends boyfriend. Does yours get annoyed whenever you see friends or mentioned a dislike of any of your friends before this?

Cherrytree86 · 19/01/2026 19:26

MyMiniMetro · 19/01/2026 13:59

A possible compromise might be you don’t go abroad but you do a daytrip in the UK. If it’s all about seeing your friend that shouldn’t be a hardship? In fact you’d probably be able to do more together.

Why feel he has to make/maintain friends? He might not like the people he knows, they may not be friendships he wants to maintain. Being in a relationship means working with what your partner is now and if they don’t have many friends, you will be fulfilling much of the time and functions friends would have taken. This means being sensitive to that and not routinely doing non-essential things yourself that he has no chance of doing, if it leaves him feeling bad.

For example my partner cancelled their Mother’s Day plans with their mother to stay with me as I had lost my mother a few weeks before. It felt like a kick in the teeth for them to disappear with their mother etc etc ….was it reasonable of me? Probably not. But a relationship is about doing what keeps your relationship harmonious not what outsiders judge is reasonable or unreasonable.

Your relationship is not currently harmonious. What needs to happen to keep it harmonious?

Show quote history

@MyMiniMetro

i totally agree. Why go abroad when you can see all different countries on the TV?? Also, OP if you having friends is detracting from time you could spend with your partner then you simply shouldn’t have friends. You need to all things to this man. Or otherwise what’s the point?? You might as well just be single.

Swedishh · 19/01/2026 19:31

Massive red flag … just be observant for other manipulation.

His lack of friends is telling. It may be a clash of expectations .. he may want the sort of needy relationship where you live in each others pockets, while you might want a more mature balanced relationship where you spend quality time with him, maintain enriching friendships and see family

Beachtastic · 20/01/2026 10:20

Cherrytree86 · 19/01/2026 19:26

@MyMiniMetro

i totally agree. Why go abroad when you can see all different countries on the TV?? Also, OP if you having friends is detracting from time you could spend with your partner then you simply shouldn’t have friends. You need to all things to this man. Or otherwise what’s the point?? You might as well just be single.

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🤣🤣🤣

pinkyredrose · 20/01/2026 11:35

It doesn’t matter if we view the partner as right or wrong in his attitude- it’s his attitude. Now the OP has a choice to work with that attitude towards a more harmonious relationship or to not work with that attitude and move away from a harmonious relationship.

So if your partner is a controlling twat then work with him so that he believes he's right to be a controlling twat and subsequently shrink your life down to fit his small, friendless life?

I find it frightening that you're a relationship therapist tbh.