I'm exhausted with my (undiagnosed)likely autistic DP

[Aworldofwonder]

My DP exhausts me. I love him and care about him so much but don't feel connected to him. The thought of him suffering breaks my heart but I can't stand being around him and the prospect of being intimate with him makes me want to cry.

It's started to dawn on me that he is putting all his energy into appearing to be following a conversation or present. I end up losing my temper with frustration.

It's like being with someone for years then finding out they had a secret drug habit and were high for most of it.

He has just lost his job. It's the fifth time in nine years. They are very well paid jobs, senior positions. He's so clever but I know it's down to not being able to follow what is being said to him, prioritise tasks or follow briefs.

I feel so lonely. Please don't say to leave him, I may in the future but our DC is still small and I don't want them living between two houses especially as he is sometimes frightening when he switches off.

What do you mean he sometimes frightening when he switches off?. Is he losing his temper?. Why would they shuttle between two houses , what is so wrong about that?. Don’t readily assume this would happen either.as he could meet his children in a contact centre.

What makes you think he is autistic?. Nothing in your post re him suggests he is. Do you love him or are you confusing that with you being in a codependent relationship with him?. Why are his needs seemingly more important than yours?. And it is not somehow easier for you to remain with such a man either.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. You yourself now cannot stand being around him let alone be intimate with him so why stay for the supposed sake of the children?. What’s another few years if this going to do to you and them? You would not want this for them and frankly it is not good enough for you either. Leaving him sooner rather than later could save you a lot of heartache in the long run.

I don't want to leave him. I love him. He is incredibly kind and generous.

He is not losing his temper, he is pretending to follow conversation when he is elsewhere inside in his head. His childhood was highly traumatic, I think he replays scenes over when he is stressed.

I can't stand the thought of having sex with him because he drifts away and I feel like I'm alone in the room.

His memory and focus is almost non existent. We aren't building memories or closeness.

I'm not really getting why you think he might be autistic. It doesn't necessarily sound like autism at all.

Has he seen a psychologist/psychiatrist? Has he had psychotherapy? From what you say, he may need help processing trauma.

I’m hearing you @Aworldofwonder. Am guessing your DH matches to descriptions of ‘internalised presentation of autism’ with shutdowns and potentially disassociation from trauma? Though it seems like autistic ppl are more likely to suffer from trauma, perhaps complex PTSD explains his behaviour? And not ASD?

My DH had a late diagnosis of ASD and I found the process of his unmasking really emotional. At the time it felt like we were living out shared meaning, from shared values, and goals that we had decided together. If it turns out that was one-sided, it can feel really lonely.

There’s a thread here for partner support - https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5447569-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasdnd-support-thread-17?page=9&reply=149836730

Thank you so much. You have got it exactly.

How are things with you and your DH now?

I am glad he does not lose his temper. I was trying to establish what you meant when you wrote that he is sometimes frightening when he switches off.

It does sound like his childhood was not an ideal
one at all. What if anything do you know about his childhood?. Does he see any family members these days ?.

Again there is nothing to suggest autism.

Quite apart from the effects on you and in turn your kids what is he himself doing to address his issues?. Has he ever spoken to the GP or a Mh professional person about his childhood?. He needs therapy.

You may well love him but love alone is not enough. He has to want to seek the necessary help and if he ultimately does not want to do that , that is his choice. You do not have to stay with him for the supposed sake of the children nor out of some misguided loyalty.

Multiple people IRL have suggested autism / ADHD.

He goes to therapy on and off. He was under the care of mental health services for nearly a year around 2020. Nobody diagnosed him but he was mainly in group or with a nurse. He met with a psychiatrist at the beginning when he was in crisis (I took him to Emergency) and at the end before discharge.

I don't want to leave him alone and I don't want to split up the family.

I really don’t think there’s any way back when you can’t stand someone and the thought of having sex makes you want to cry.

A relationship shouldn’t be something to be tolerated in misery.

I want to cry because I feel so sad. I'm looking at him thinking this whole life is a performance, he's pretending he's following conversations but there's noise in his head.

Sounds more like trauma/adhd but obviously you haven’t said a lot.

Sound like he needs a ND assessment, meds if ADHD and EMDR for the trauma.

Have you ever had a direct, frank, and open conversation with him about what youo're feeling and how his actions/reactions make you feel?

if you have, what was his response?
If you haven't, why not?

I think that if he's not really present in the relationship, he has to be willing to address this to make improvements. Where I'm getting big red flags however is that he keeps losing his job. this suggests that he is not able or willing to see that he might be a big part of the problem. What does he say is the reason he's losing these jobs and, more importantly, has he come up with any plans to address the issues?

When he is "following" a conversation is it that he appears to listen but then say something as if you havent spoken? A conversation weve just had shows what i mean
Me : no point going out for food for valentines day due to my eating restrictions so we can just cook something nice at home
Him : they jump up the prices on valentines day and you dont get value for money
Me : yes but i meant most restaurants wont be able to cater for me
Him (nodding to himself) : yes, you dont get value for money on valentines day
Is this the type of conversation that you mean? My dh is undiagnosed but its obvious to those around him

Could you have autism? because people with autism can struggle with detecting if someone had checked out of a conversation. I'm just thinking 9 years and 2 kids later is a long time to realise he isn't actually listening.

I have told him yes and he will come to counselling and things will seem to improve for a while. However I don't think it's really going in, I still think he is putting things on with the counsellor. He is pretending he remembers things when I know he doesn't, he brushes over things. He is afraid to really open up.

He doesn't know why he keeps losing his jobs. He will relay the feedback to me but despite circumstances being different it always boils down to the same things - people think they are communicating clearly to him but he hears something different. So he works on the wrong tasks not realising that there is an emergency which needs to be dealt with as priority.

I feel desperately desperately sad for him. I think he must feel all alone and frightened.

Sounds like he is disassociating which could be a sensory shutdown... or it could be a trauma response. Either way I feel for both of you.

It definitely sounds like autism, not sure why people are saying otherwise.

Yes this exactly. And then after we have gone in circles many more times I'll snap:

Oh for fucks sake what is the point of this pretend conversation. You're not listening to me.

Then he jolts out of his trance when he hears me getting annoyed and say

We can go out. I don't mind. Where do you want to go? Honey, come on it's valentine's, don't be cross. Will I book something?

And I will either pretend I'm laughing, walk out of the room in tears or else it will become a full on argument. And all of those responses will leave me feeling crap.

No I am fairly certain I'm not autistic.

I always got annoyed with him for not listening. It's the scale of it that is scaring me. It's like he's operating on another plane to everyone else.

Mmmn, quite honestly, this doesn't sound like ADHD or ASD to me. This sounds like narcissism or some sort of personality disorder.

my DH - undiagnosed ADHD - and DS - diagnosed ADHD - and friend's DD - diagnosed ASD: all struggle with these sorts of things, but if anything, they have a tendency to OVER state their challenges. "I can never do anything right" or "My brain is too stupid and I can't get this" or "I don't understand why they think it's so easy, it's not" or "why do other people hear something different to me?"

But this refusal to take responsibility or accountability, that's not Neurodivergence, or, at best, it's neurodivergence with so little awareness and willingness to work through it, that it's become more akin to a personality disorder.

Sorry.

It does sound like dissociation. What was the diagnosis when he got hospitalized? They must have offered a dx? Is he hearing voices? Sometimes people are masking psychosis and if they avoid mentioning it they can go undiagnosed.

As for you: maybe the right thing to do is to recognize that there are many kinds of love and that you no longer can give him romsntic love but you can support him emotionally with cooler sibling love. You can separate and coparent with him and stilll “love” him without being responsible for a romantic or sexual relationship withh him which he, in fact, probably can’t handle anyway.

He is not a narcissist! He is trying and failing over and over.

Well, if he is working on the wrong tasks and says he hears the wrong thing, has he ever said, "how do I fix this" or "Right, I have to sort this out - what do you think I should do?" or "Okay, I can't seem to get this right, my brain clearly isn't working like other people's brains, so perhaps I should see a doctor or psychiatrist for an assessment and advice?"

Because if not, he's not trying at all really.

I don't remember a clear diagnosis. He was under mental health services for ages. He was definitely masking psychosis then. He was traumatised by stuff going on in his family. He is mainly NC with them now which wasn't my suggestion but I'm privately pleased. They are awful people and I don't say that lightly.

I remember sitting with him speaking to a psychiatrist after I brought him to emergecny and he said he always felt like he was a piece on a chess board being moved around. He doesn't have any recollection of any of those appointments or me driving him there or him thinking I was bringing him to be locked up.

My heart is so heavy. It's like he recovered but only enough to get back to the business of covering everything up.

Yeah I came here to be super sympathetic as my DH is awaiting diagnosis and now we know more about (due to DC) he is very obviously showing multiple traits and it can be hard to live with - what was charming at first is grating after two decades and sometimes I feel like I am living with an additional ND child rather than an adult life partner…

BUT your original post isn’t relatable at all really. It sounds like he’s suffering something more immediate and acute if he’s suffering flashbacks/memories and feeling absent.

is he seeing anyone professionally? Has he ever spoken to you about his traumatic childhood?