I'm exhausted with my (undiagnosed)likely autistic DP

[Aworldofwonder]

My DP exhausts me. I love him and care about him so much but don't feel connected to him. The thought of him suffering breaks my heart but I can't stand being around him and the prospect of being intimate with him makes me want to cry.

It's started to dawn on me that he is putting all his energy into appearing to be following a conversation or present. I end up losing my temper with frustration.

It's like being with someone for years then finding out they had a secret drug habit and were high for most of it.

He has just lost his job. It's the fifth time in nine years. They are very well paid jobs, senior positions. He's so clever but I know it's down to not being able to follow what is being said to him, prioritise tasks or follow briefs.

I feel so lonely. Please don't say to leave him, I may in the future but our DC is still small and I don't want them living between two houses especially as he is sometimes frightening when he switches off.

My DM talks like this. I think it's ADHD. I have. ADHD so therefore at least one of my parents probably does.

I think it is down to very variable levels of focus that people with ADHD have. By that I mean, we can hyper focus on things that are very important or interesting to us but for everything else, it's like a camera lens going in and out of focus on its own.

I think my DM is even worse these days than your example.

Me: I wrote to an MP today. She is chairing a committee about ADHD."

DM: "I've just noticed there is a dirty mark on the pane of glass in the door. That bit of glass is so annoying because it is always covered in finger marks."

A lot of his problems seem to relate to difficulties processing language, which likely does point to an autism diagnosis. Have a read of semantic-pragmatic language disorder, it’s quite an old description of the language differences of autism, but I can relate a bit as my son’s autism diagnosis came about as a result of my concerns over his understanding of language. I don’t know whether you could access a speech and language therapy assessment but I’d look into it, if his difficulties are clarified it is likely that an autism diagnosis will follow. I also relate to your description of him as a lovely person, my son is too, it was very challenging for him but with recognition of his difficulties he accessed lots of support when younger. You just need the right professional to really understand him.

I think you understand an awful lot. Sometimes we have to dig looking for answers and although many posters have offered suggestions based on their own experiences, until you get him assessed you're not going to get any help or definitive answers. Clearly he needs help and you know everything about him, probably more than he does, he's experiencing it but may not be able to put it into words whereas you can give all the background and fill in the gaps.

My DD is half diagnosed (ADHD) and awaiting the Autism part - picked up by a Psychotherapist. We had no idea & neither did she, we thought it was maybe anxiety/depression. It helps to know, she knows now why she has meltdowns and how to manage her symptoms. I'm probably the same when I think about it & that's why I thought she was like me. Things have moved on through research & diagnosis, not like when I was a late teen.

I hope you find the right avenue & you can turn it all round. Exercise is the best thing to be going on with x

I think it's a lot for him to take in if he is not good at listening. You might need to write it down and give him a few days to think about it.

Your husband needs to see a psychiatrist as soon as possible to look into the possibility of various schizoaffective disorders.

The hearing voices, complete failure to remember his admission for various mental health treatments, and his periodic dissociations means that this should be ruled out before moving forward. He may well have autism as well, possibly genetically linked to his mother, whose own behaviour sounds quite worrying. There can be some comorbidity with these diagnoses, and they can exacerbate each other.

Many people with schizophrenia related disorders are quite careful to hide the fact they hear voices because of increasing stress and paranoia and subconscious mistrust of the people around them as their condition worsens. You won't know exactly what is going on inside his head because he won't be telling you the full story.

If you could possibly manage a private psychiatrist's appointment, it might be the best thing you could do for him. Depending on what they find, they will move you into the public system.

And it goes without saying that your child should never be left unattended with him. Get yourself a good backup system in place so you are never forced into the position of having to leave them together in an emergency.

Even if something like this is eventually diagnosed, there's no cause to despair. There are a huge amount of very effective treatments available these days and great medications. But no one is going to step forward and offer them unless things get a lot worse, which, believe me, you don't want to happen, particularly if there is a child in the case. Someone with schizophrenia is far more likely to harm themselves than those around them, but they can act extremely irrationally if the delusions are strong enough.

I really do wish you all the best and feel huge sympathy for what you are dealing with, but please act sooner rather than later.

How was your DH before the children came along, was he ok as far as you were aware? How was he at work?

Can you remember when you first noticed something was wrong, was there a particular time when he became unwell initially? Sometimes you have to go backwards to find out what the triggers might have been to then work out how he got here.

Has he been on medication for MH issues before - I know men try to bury everything and deal with things themselves but everyone has a breaking point. Sometimes people don't even realise they have problems but other people may notice. Some people live with issues that they don't realise are affecting them, they don't want help, but especially where children are involved things need sorting or they may be affected too x

Hi, definitely doesnt sound like like a narcisist but more neurodiverse. My h is the same way. Our conversations are often one sided as he appears to be in his own head and my words often go over his head while he agrees with what he previously said and comments on that. It does sometimes drive me mad as sometimes conversations need both invested

I think you need to look into some therapy for yourself, because your own physical and mental health are massively at risk and you matter too. More than he does, tbh. You are setting yourself on fire to keep him warm, and for what? He doesn't parent well, he doesn't earn, you can't bring yourself to have sex with him. He frightens your children. He sounds, tbh, incredibly selfish. There is no diagnosis that makes any of this ok or makes you responsible for him. Adults with difficulties and traumatic childhoods are still adults who need to take responsibility for themselves. You need to dig into why you are so determined to stay in the marriage and to keep your children in it too. You keep saying he must be frightened, but is he? Or do you assume he must be because that's how you would feel in his shoes? So much of your behaviour is about control - controlling his emotions, trying to bring in professionals, trying to work out which professionals, trying to work out what the diagnosis is that you want to try and get for him to make his mood more bearable. It's codependency.

The order of importance is your children, you (because your children need a functioning parent and it's not him, is it) and then him. Not the other way round

If you burn yourself out cleaning up his messes you will make yourself ill.

Fwiw a traumatic childhood doesn't justify anything he is doing.

We went from quite polite dating to moving in together and having a baby very very fast. Madness in hindsight but I wouldn't change it as I love our family.

But it means I never really knew any before time. Also, there was chaos going on between him and his family, i thought it was just of the time. Also, he was having problems with his job. Again, a stressful period or so I thought. I got diagnosed with cancer. We both lost parents.

One drama to the next. I am utterly allergic to drama now and avoid it at all costs.

However he forgets all this stuff which makes me think it has always been the norm for him.

Yes he was on medication for mental health. He came off it slowly under the care of a psychiatrist.

@bananaramapeel he earns way more than me even with the employment gaps, he does parent well and he is frightened.
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He frightens our DC when he disengages and becomes unresponsive. I don't want to have sex with him as it makes me feel lonely, he seems to drift away.

I am not trying to control him. I am trying to access help.

I know, you just want things to be back to normal and hopfully they will be before too long but he really does need to see his GP to get back into the MH system and get assessed. You need to go with him and explain what's been happening, he may not be able to explain himself. The GP should then ask him questions to see how coherent he is.

You can't have a relationship when your DH is in this state, nor can you do much to help him - it takes time, patience & hard work especially when you have children. I've been in some pretty bad places myself so I know recovery is possible. When he's on the mend he needs to learn what works for him re stress relief. Your mind can be your own worst enemy when it starts working against you xx

Thanks I will do all that.

One thing though - I don't want things back to normal. I want him to face up and get support with what I suspect is a lifetime cover up for him.

You are trying to control this situation. Sometimes control doesn't look like telling someone what to do. Sometimes it looks like trying to fix everything so that everyone will be ok rather than letting people deal with their own mess. Trying to take care of things that aren't your responsibility.

As for the rest of it: you are kidding yourself.

Hi op it looks like you have a good plan for a way forward, I hope you two can find some peace. I have a suggestion I don’t think has been put forward, in that in the meantime you both look at what strategies you might be able to put in place that might help; much like could have been done in his workplaces. My main one would be to write down your communications as he clearly can’t absorb verbal information. Only you two will be able to find stuff that helps, but it seems like working on this together would be helpful and positive?
Thinking of you both x

Thank you. Someone else suggested using AI for note taking so I will say it to him. I think even him knowing it's ok to state that he's forgotten stuff is going to give some relief. It's like when you can't sleep and on top of being sleep deprived you are worrying that you haven't slept - it's an extra layer. So if he forgets something and then his default setting is to conceal it the fallout from that is causing a load of unnecessary problems.

We all see through the world through a different lens - I am trying to accept/understand that his is very far from mine and what I had assumed his to be. However I am very very glad that my lens is far away from yours.

I'm sure you think you're 'telling it straight'. Let's leave it that you have your opinions, I have mine and they are unlikely to ever overlap.

I've had some great suggestions here and insights from people. Feel free to post again - it's a public forum - but I won't be reading it or engaging with you.

Hear hear.

I think sometimes the gap between people’s perceptions destroy each other. You may be on here talking about his differences but he could very well be struggling with exactly the same thoughts about you. Throw in a potential ND and he could have a block stopping him from ever being able to self reflect or understand how to do what you are able to do or the ability to ever do any about it. Incompatibility could destroy each other because we can’t be what we are not. If he has a ND it’s a disability which he will take with him to which ever relationship he enters, he will more then likely always struggle unfortunately. You on the other hand could find someone more compatible and be happy without destroying yourself over this relationship. We don’t owe anyone our sacrifice.