I'm exhausted with my (undiagnosed)likely autistic DP

[Aworldofwonder]

My DP exhausts me. I love him and care about him so much but don't feel connected to him. The thought of him suffering breaks my heart but I can't stand being around him and the prospect of being intimate with him makes me want to cry.

It's started to dawn on me that he is putting all his energy into appearing to be following a conversation or present. I end up losing my temper with frustration.

It's like being with someone for years then finding out they had a secret drug habit and were high for most of it.

He has just lost his job. It's the fifth time in nine years. They are very well paid jobs, senior positions. He's so clever but I know it's down to not being able to follow what is being said to him, prioritise tasks or follow briefs.

I feel so lonely. Please don't say to leave him, I may in the future but our DC is still small and I don't want them living between two houses especially as he is sometimes frightening when he switches off.

He doesn't realise he's working on the wrong thing, he doesn't understand what is being said to him, it's only when he repeats things to me verbatim I can decipher what happened.

He does want to get help. He starts but then it falls by the wayside.

I know he is frightened.

Just seen your update mentioning psychosis which I did think but didn’t want to immediately say as it’s a big and loaded term to use.

it really sounds like he needs more support . Is he open to that?

This is incredibly unhelpful to the OP and to anyone who lives with a ND partner or someone suffering significant mental disturbance.

How are you to have a meaningful relationship with this man .

This is traumatic dissociation, possibly also depersonalization and derealization. Look these up. Ignore people here saying cavalierly that its a PD or narcissism. Its obviously not that.

Yes he is in theory but it keeps being interrupted.

During the summer I started noticing odd things. To anyone casually observing it would look like I was overreacting to someone forgetting something or a mild distraction. By the end of the summer I was alarmed - we were back from a city break with DC and he had frightened them. I spoke to him and he seemed to be listening to me and promised he would go back to the doctor. The next day I was coming home when he drove by and didn't seem to recognise me, he looked irate. I assumed he was going to the doctor but when we talked later he had gone to get his haircut and totally forgotten! That's just a small example. We had a few days of him being hard to cope with the an injury calmed down, he started exercising like mad again and he calmed down.

Like I said, I think he only gets well enough to get the performance going again.

Thank you. I know it's a pointless waste of energy getting upset here but it's really awful to have to keep defending him. He is an absolutely lovely man. I do not think this is his fault. I think he is terrified about being 'found out'. He did - after the haircut incident - admit to me he is really struggle to follow what I or anyone else is saying to him. Then he told me he was feeling better.

A) he needs a rule out of an organic cause like a brain tumor.
B) If a person has DID (dissociative disorder) when he dissociates the different parts may not be aware of each other (they hold diff memories and handle different tasks). This is not woo woo stuff like a hollywood movie. Lots of people with severe childhood trauma compartmentalize so successfully that their different parts handle different people or work settings almost seamlessly. His system has broken down and his parts cannot protect him and function well at work or home. He needs to go back and see a talented psychiatrist and therapist to help him try to integrate his parts. But he will not still be a functioning husband and father for a long time.

It does sound like autism to me. My husband does similar. My son (asd) will let me say a whole sentence then ask me to repeat as he wasnt listening - sometimes i have to say things a 3rd time. My daughter (age 12 asd) will just act like i havent spoken. Your husband sounds similar to mine!

One of my DC is exactly like this and has a diagnosis of ADHD. The psychologist was shocked that they coped so well with everyday life and school because their memory and processing is so very poor.
They zone out all the time because their brain fogs over when there is any sort of complicated instruction or story. They seem to not be listening, because they're processing the first sentence you said and are reacting to that because their brain simply cannot cope with layers of info. It just doesn't stick.
Another symptom is a tendency to speak over people- apparently this is common because they know they'll forget their point if they don't voice it now. In conversations with me or in groups, they can glaze over so quickly. Following a conversation is hard.
Does this sound like your husband?
I found a diagnosis was really useful, because the psych could explain to me exactly how my child's brain functioned, what was difficult and what was the same. It has made it so much easier to cope, because our expectations are different- I can present information in more manageable ways, which makes out chats lovely and not so stressful. They can work out what they need, not based on the needs of the neurotypical. It's been very useful for us.

I know someone like that, I pressed him once on whether he had heard me and he said he did hear me, repeated what I had said and then said: and I am telling you xyz because that is a better reason.
So this guy probably doesn't believe or respect my dietary restrictions, he thinks its a nonsense reason and was having a parallel conversation more for his own benefit its like talking out loud to himself because he didn't like what I had said. I don't know if it's narcissism or what here but your example reminded me of him.

Thank you so much to the helpful posts from people with similar experiences.

Where should I go from here? Honestly the mental health services in this country (not UK) are shocking. I think they got him to a point where he was not an immediate threat and then put him into relaxation classes with other people. It did soothe his nervous system but nothing really changed long-term

Should I look for a psychiatrist? Or start with an online assessment for ADHD?

You can still love him - from a different address.

What you're describing is codependency, not the love of an equal.

I recommend you look into F.O.G. - fear, obligation, and guilt. There's a large dollop of all three in your posts too.

What is your role in his life, do you think?
How badly do you need this role?

It does sound as if he would benefit from seeing a speech and language therapist, for ideas and strategies to improve how he handles this issue. But without a diagnosis that will be much less useful. In your (joint) shoes I would research the right service for him and pursue a private assessment, or possibly multiple ones. Could his previous psychiatrist make any suggestions about possible routes for assessment? His GP could email the psych?

The sorts of strategies I’m thinking of would be - having all meetings and work requests on Teams or recorded on his phone, with AI transcription, and then also getting AI to do a summary of agreed actions; alongside this for him to learn how to ask the structured questions he would need to make sure he gets information in a form he can handle. If he has a disability I wonder if some PA hours or an actual PA in the right job could liberate him to work at the things he’s good at. It breaks my heart sometimes to think of the number of great workers who would have done fine back when they would have had a secretary processing and managing information flows for them. Nobody has that now and it must be hard for a lot of people.

All that will require a lot of work and action from him, to keep asking for what he needs. But he can’t ask for it if he doesn’t know what to ask for.

When he is particularly stressed and overwhelmed these behaviours happen: he starts talking when people are talking, answers questions that weren't asked but are on the same topic (actually he always does that), he wanders about slowly even when there is urgency but ironically gets all stressed about timelines other times, he loses his keys, he keeps buying the same thing even when we have filled a need, his breathing is agitated, he makes little noises, he even when particularly bad will switch off the lights and picking up his stuff when we are all still sitting in the room.

He will then get really defensive justifying this stuff and I know he's panicked about being caught out.

This is years back but (my blood runs cold thinking about it now) he once left our little DC playing on the green when he came to collect me. He said she was fine and with friends. She was on her own and would have had no sense whatsoever of what to do if her 'friends' disappeared back to their houses. They weren't friends, just kids coming and going from neighbouring roads. The green is huge and at least eight roads containing twenty or thirty houses each lead onto it. She wasn't safe. He has no memory of this. He arrived to collect me and I thought she was in the car. When I got into the car and realised my entire body went cold. I realised he looked like himself but he wasnt as he would never ever willingly put her in danger. I called social services after that. It was a few months later I ended up driving him to the emergency room.

He sounds depressed to me

Hmm, in that update I’m more reminded of my late Dh, who had a severe mental illness.

Was there any advice or follow up from the psychiatric episode?

How did you get the diagnosis? When I was at the GP with him before I found him useless. Years ago but still. He asked him how he was feeling. My DH was practically mute and had tears in his eyes. He said he felt very sad and couldn't remember much. They sent him for a scan to rule out a tumour. They also said there was no point testing for ADHD as it would have been picked up as a child (it would not).

Would he be willing to get some decent therapy - with a well qualified clinical psychologist who can prescribe medication? Not with a Councellor - which can mean many different things in the Uk.
Adhd medication can also work for concentration issues for people with autism.
It sounds like he really does need some help. I know it would likely mean going private. But a good doctor could really help him. And your family life.

Does or did he use weeds or drugs? I can see with your updates how worrying this is. Getting him a diagnosis so his behaviours are formally medically recognised should help with supervised or contact centre access if you separate.

Ok so a clinical psychologist?

Or a psychiatrist?

A woman I know irl has been very helpful and was diagnosed late in life. She said the stress on her family was immense until she got help she said she has met him quite a bit through other channels and thought autism not ADHD but the assessment would be useful. She said an occupational therapist is the way to go.

My family is filled with psychotherapists. We have all done plenty ourselves personally. I don't think this will help him. I know very little about other routes.

Absolutely not any weed or drugs. He is very serious about fitness.

I have no intention of separating.

My own feeling is that I would want to hear from his previous psychiatrist first, and would contact one of the specialist multidisciplinary autism and ADHD diagnosis centres for adults - a private one I guess, given the wait.

How is he managing to get these senior jobs with such a chequered work history and an apparently inability to have a simple conversation? The way you describe it sounds like he wouldn't be able to pass an interview.

Ok so he has a GP appointment next week - nothing any sooner. Should I go too and ask to be referred back to mental health services? I tried to go directly before but they said he had been previously discharged so I had to go through the GP again. I could also ask for a private referral letter.