I'm exhausted with my (undiagnosed)likely autistic DP

[Aworldofwonder]

My DP exhausts me. I love him and care about him so much but don't feel connected to him. The thought of him suffering breaks my heart but I can't stand being around him and the prospect of being intimate with him makes me want to cry.

It's started to dawn on me that he is putting all his energy into appearing to be following a conversation or present. I end up losing my temper with frustration.

It's like being with someone for years then finding out they had a secret drug habit and were high for most of it.

He has just lost his job. It's the fifth time in nine years. They are very well paid jobs, senior positions. He's so clever but I know it's down to not being able to follow what is being said to him, prioritise tasks or follow briefs.

I feel so lonely. Please don't say to leave him, I may in the future but our DC is still small and I don't want them living between two houses especially as he is sometimes frightening when he switches off.

Yes. I have PTSD myself and would hate to be sworn at like that.

OP he sounds exactly (uncannily) like my autistic & ADHD husband (yes actually diagnosed by the NHS for all those who like to scoff). The combination of extreme inattention and social communication difficulties is traumatic to live with after a while - you literally don't exist to them. We've been married for nearly 30 years and have had more than an average number of life challenges, his reactions (lack of/inappropriate) to these have left me utterly alone. Very often he is just absent. @VoltaireMittyDream describes perfectly the internet line about ND's - lets forget all about poor executive function, communication difficulties, processing disorders, memory problems, impulsivity and emotional dysregulation ... they can't be anything to do with autism/ADHD because it's a superpower don't you know.

Good god.

No matter what I'm in the wrong according to some posters - very few as the vast majority have been very very helpful and I am most appreciative of the responses sharing personal experiences and expertise.

But to the people telling me to be kind in my responses and acknowledge his PTSD and other challenges - ALL of this speculation is down to a commitment from me to try to understand and deepen connection within a relationship where I feel neglected. I have never been told he has PTSD or is disassociating or anything else. Multiple people here have said I should leave him despite me saying I don't want to.

Yes swearing at someone isn't nice, but is it kind to not acknowledge that I am trying to find a way to work through my frustration and build a better relationship where I am not feeling neglected, resentful and upset?

I have never been told he is ND. This is all new to me. What I have had is multiple discussions where we seem to agree things and then he appears to go off in some parallel universe and I feel like I'm going crazy. For a time I wondered if he was gaslighting me but I realised at times of stress he became very confused about lots of things. And it's becoming ever more apparent that there is more to it than him simply not caring or being bothered.

and jobs - in the last 2 years he's had four employers (left one voluntarily - he was bored), one by mutual agreement (he was bored they were fed up with his randomness), and was sacked from one ("bad fit" - he had a massive ADHD meltdown while on probation & basically disappeared). He's senior, well paid, very intelligent, excellent at interview and for as long as he can pay attention he's quite brilliant at his work. But then ADHD comes along & in a work environment that causes far more difficulty that the autism. He's medicated but it has marginal effects (had a very severe adverse reaction to the most effective ADHD med so his treatment choices are limited). CBT is completely useless. He has an excellent (private) psychiatrist and had had some improvement from DBT and mindfulness - it's helpful for the "outside" signs of ADHD the impulsivity/hyperactivity & irrational decision making - but nothing has really helped for the noise & distraction in his head that means he doesn't notice anyone else exists a lot of the time. And while he can learn appropriate social communication responses & perform them when necessary he can't generalise and they are hollow when you scratch the surface.

He needs to explore this more and perhaps ask for a referral if he is still invested in the relationship. It breads misunderstanding and resentment on both sides. It’s then up to you what you are willing to put up with. Understanding why someone behaves the way they do doesn’t negate its impact on you. He isn’t wrong for needing what he needs and neither are you.

This is it.

Are you happy with him?

@Aworldofwonder "multiple discussions where we seem to agree things and then he appears to go off in some parallel universe and I feel like I'm going crazy. For a time I wondered if he was gaslighting me but I realised at times of stress he became very confused about lots of things" - this is exactly what my dh does - for him it's a combination of distraction/inattention, processing speed, very poor auditory memory, difficulty drawing inferences & interpreting language. Then there impulsively leaping to assumptions (doesn't actually listen because he already knows what you're going to say) & interrupting. Then emotional dysregulation (anger/shame/rejection) in reaction to me being human & caring that I've been ignored/isolated/misinterpreted etc ... if I'm upset that's a problem not because I feel bad but because it makes him feel TERRIBLE (RSD). It is very, very difficult.

Look: none of this is your fault and you don’t have to follow orders from random people on the internet. You do not have to leave a husband you love.

But you can’t stay still. Your frustration is growing. His behavior is getting worse. His functionality in his role as worker, husband, father is decreasing. Thats what it means when he can’t hold down a job, you don’t want to have intimacy with him, and you can’t trust him with the children.

He needs a diagnosis so you snd he can have signposts to a better family life. Get him to whatever branch of psychiatry will be competent to tease this out.

@Aworldofwonder right now I'm very very unhappy. It isn't always as bad as this but it is always there and while he can & does have periods when it's not all falling apart and he's not completely internally focussed it will never be 'normal'. We've had a truly terrible few years & external pressure makes it almost impossible for him to function (leading to resentment - I always have to function, regardless) so he's struggling atm.

and sex is completely off the table atm - I can't be with someone who vanishes into another place in a moment & suddenly I'm on my own. It leaves you feeling worthless.

I wonder if he got some treatment for whatever it is things might improve. For example EMDR for PTSD. I wonder about CPTSD as you said he had a traumatic childhood.

I'm not trying to be harsh here, but it doesn't sound like you have much empathy for him? I would be very concerned about a loved one in the same circumstances.

It's all about you and how you feel.

I do think his own traumatic childhood at the hands of his mother has an awful lot to do with why he is the ways he is now. It’s affected him markedly and it’s not his fault nor yours.

Thanks.

Tbh I don't object to the 'you could leave' comments as sometimes it is helpful to be shown the wood from the trees in these circumstances and be reminded their is a choice.

I do object to the posters telling me to be kind and supportive of his PTSD. This IS me showing support and trying to see if from his pov - none of these observations have come from him, it is me considering that this is not a man willfully ignoring me but a man actually struggling. As for the most recent poster saying I lack empathy and declaring how much more patient they WOULD be in similar circumstances... Well all I can say is that we can all be saints hypothetically.

I hear you on all of this. If things were steady - still in employment, no recent crisis - I might have written it myself.

Yes, very good points!

He does bring lots to the relationship that I appreciate. He does more than half the household and family work. What I've found is he will do his own tasks without complaint consistently so I don't get upset with him for not noticing an unexpected mess.

Also we are both into fitness and honestly my favourite thing to do together is workout. We are training for a Hyrox and I'm really enjoying the experience. He loves (needs!) running but is way faster than me and I admit I feel a bit jealous of the few women in the club that are fast enough for him to train with regularly in a small group. But this shared programme has been great.

I absolutely agree with you, OP. Frankly I think you have done everything you can to try to get him and the family back to some liveable baseline. I used to work exclusively with people with trauma and/or psychotic disorders. One thing I learned is that if you have done everything in your area of competence for the patient and things are not getting better you have to go outside the room, outside the family, outside the current set of experts and bring in new eyes and new expertise.

That sounds good if you already have a shared hobby, and he does his share of family/household stuff. What’s the next action to improve things then - from both of your perspectives? If you think his job losses are comms related, perhaps specific help there is worth targeting.

@PrizedPickledPopcorn and @heatdeath describe a lot of my experience with my DH.

I don’t exist to him except if something I do irritates him, or when he needs to rant to someone. And he has no awareness of time whatsoever - but also no idea that he has no awareness of time. He thinks it’s normal not to know what day it is or what month it is.

He’s also had difficulty staying in work. He works freelance and is always quitting contracts because the work is boring / everyone else is doing things wrong / the system doesn’t make sense to him. He’s also had at least one contract ended due to his low productivity, because he zones out half the day on his hobbies (he works from home so I see how he spends his time).

His memory is so poor that it is like living with someone with early stage dementia (which I have done recently so I know what I’m talking about). He loses things all the time, forgets appointments, loses his phone.

You can have whole conversations with him that he has no recollection of ten minutes later.

He can’t make decisions at all. His shoes have holes in them and he can’t replace them because the model of shoe has been discontinued and he doesn’t know how he would decide on a different kind of shoe. So he puts plastic bags in between his sock and shoe to keep the water out.

He is, however, not at all frightened or made anxious by any of this, as he is clear in his conviction that he is right and the rest of the world is unreasonable, and everyone who remembers things he does not is trying to gaslight him.

And he seems to genuinely believe that intending to do something is as good as actually doing it. And he’s a good person with good intentions, and people just try to malign him all the time and he doesn’t understand why.

He has absolutely no awareness of how poor his executive function and memory are, and how different his experience is to other people’s.

He showers once a week if that, but insists he doesn’t smell (he does) and I’m being horrible and controlling if I ask him gently please to have a bath.

It is crazy-making and extremely anxiety producing over time, and really erodes your sense of self.

I would probably want the GP to do some bloods and rule out physical issues such as low vitamin levels, calcium, anaemia, thyroid issues that can cause "brain fog / memory issues"

A short memory screen might also be a useful step (6-CIT type test).

Then potentially a scan, MRI, CT or PET depending on availability and doctors thoughts to rule out any physical brain changes.

Then neuropsychological testing which should be done by a qualified psychologist and would help identify if it's a MH issue and neurodevelopmental issue or something else.

Thanks. We had all this done before when he was particularly bad so at least that part is done.

Well I'm going to see when he's able to talk and say something along the lines of -

I'm so sorry you lost your job. I know you feel ashamed and like you're failing. I worry about you as I believe you are covering things up as you don't want me knowing you forget things etc. I wish you would trust me. I love you and am in your corner. I know you have a doctor's appointment next week. I want to come and I think we should press for a ND assessment and ask his advice. I think if you got a diagnosis of ADHD or autism we could find support with how to manage work better and it would take so much pressure off. Even if you don't go back to a job it would help our relationship and we would learn how to communicate better. What do you think?

My feeling is he will be pleased as before he told me he had lost his job, he hinted at problems after I probed. I then brought up that we should investigate an ADHD diagnosis to support him and he really seemed to light up. He was actually so happy looking and relaxed for the rest of the evening. I was surprised. It got me thinking that maybe the best thing I can do is assure him he's not alone in this and doesn't need to hide.

Anyway, that's my plan. What do you people think?

If he's previously had a full set of neuropsych tests then he should have a quite in depth report explaining what his issues are / likely causes?

If things are getting worse (unexpectedly) you could ask for them to be repeated to see if there have been any changes.

Otherwise, he probably needs to take the information he has back to the doctor and ask who can support him (which will be different depending on diagnosis- could be therapy, could be something more practical like OT etc.)

Sounds good to me, he must be really debilitated
from trying to make all of those jobs work and failing. If he has a plan and strategies, he might feel more confident in many areas.

It sounds good to me, but I’d suggest changing ‘I know…’ to ‘I think you may be….’, purely because he may have a different feeling, or not be sure if it’s the same feeling, or whether he would agree or not.

As feelings, and understanding other people’s feelings, are a bit of a tricky area…

I think that's a great plan, and I think you sound abundantly loving and supportive of him as a human that has previous trauma, even though he isn't meeting your emotional and physical needs as a wife, and that is to be commended. I wish you luck.

With the caveat of - if he has autism, it won't change. It might if he has ADHD and medication is recommended, but if he has autism, this is who he is, and the onus is on you and employers to accommodate it, to a large degree, as he will struggle to change.