I'm exhausted with my (undiagnosed)likely autistic DP

[Aworldofwonder]

My DP exhausts me. I love him and care about him so much but don't feel connected to him. The thought of him suffering breaks my heart but I can't stand being around him and the prospect of being intimate with him makes me want to cry.

It's started to dawn on me that he is putting all his energy into appearing to be following a conversation or present. I end up losing my temper with frustration.

It's like being with someone for years then finding out they had a secret drug habit and were high for most of it.

He has just lost his job. It's the fifth time in nine years. They are very well paid jobs, senior positions. He's so clever but I know it's down to not being able to follow what is being said to him, prioritise tasks or follow briefs.

I feel so lonely. Please don't say to leave him, I may in the future but our DC is still small and I don't want them living between two houses especially as he is sometimes frightening when he switches off.

Was he surprised he lost his job?.

Is there any help for people abused in childhood in your country of residence?. I note you are not in the Uk. I still think he is very much traumatised as a result of his own troubled upbringing and childhood.

ASD and ADHD are completely separate from each other and are also not mental health conditions. He does need therapy but not the types being suggested. How open is he however, to seeing a therapist ?. You can take a horse to water but you cannot make it drink. Is he willing to put the work in?. Whatever the root causes he and you cannot go on as you are because someone, most likely you, is going to snap emotionally.

Definitely think that depersonalisation and disassociative identity disorder could be a problem here (would explain why he is able to compartmentalise and get through interviews for jobs), alongside complex ptsd (the ND behaviour and processing difficulties).
he needs therapy with a trauma therapist for the above. and an ASD/ ADHD assessment too (although CPTSD can look like ADHD so maybe better to wait until therapy is advanced).

It is hard. He has big gaps where he interviews a lot and he gets a lot of rejections. I imagine he interviews badly and waffles off the point. I don't know if he will be hired again now even with the candidate shortage. There is so much job hopping. Some could be explained away; this one was a part time role and he needed permanent, another was a contract, another company was acquired and redundancies happened etc. But now there is too much of a pattern.

He is very clever however, he is very nice and that comes across and he is cheaper than the market pays.

But I don't see who would think he's a good bet now.

So what sort of therapist please?. Yes he will go.

He grew up in the UK. His mother is at the root of it. I know he would go to her upset and she would comfort him and he'd feel soothed then she'd disappear and return like a different person attacking him and scaring the life out of him.

I would attend the gp with him and sit in on his appointment as this affects you too. Is there a trauma based therapist in this country he could see?. This is where I would start. I would look at EMDR therapy. But he has to be fully willing.

Regardless of why he is the ways he is now it’s not his fault nor your own either. This is on those who did this to him as a child. ASD and adhd are not based in trauma.

Because there are people on the internet who will vigorously insist at every opportunity that autism is only ever an unmitigated blessing, and that autistic people are objectively more intelligent and authentic and empathetic and better listeners and more valuable employees and just a better quality of person overall compared to contemptible normies.

So if you have difficulties with social communication or executive function or working memory that adversely affect your relationships with other people, it can’t possibly be anything to do with autism. It’s either trauma, or you’re just choosing to be a chaotic arsehole for no reason.

It’s one of these bizarre ways the autistic internet likes to gatekeep, in ways that often end up making other autistic people’s lives harder than they need to be.

My autistic DH is much the same, OP - I am grieving the loss of a parent at the moment and I am trying to avoid contact with my DH as his attempts at conversation are so tremendously, hurtfully misattuned and wide of the mark that it makes me feel a thousand times more alone.

op

So very sorry to read his mother was like that. That is undoubtedly going to have lasting effects on him
as a result.

he has had his hearing checked?

This sounds like an attentive adhd. It all sounds like it.

I live with 2. Drives me mental. Conversations they forget, no prioritising, zoning out, needing exercise to calm down, forgetting appointments.Good job l love them.

No one can diagnose ND unless it's a clincial psychologist/ psychotherapist.

I would highly recommend going private to getting an assessment. Whatever that diagnosis maybe. He could be anything, could even be a personality disorder, there is an avoidant one.

First seek help then worry about the diagnosis.

https://www.nctsn.org/what-is-child-trauma/trauma-types/complex-trauma/effects

I truly understand that you don’t want to leave him, and I empathize with that, but I really would ask you to consider your children here. All of your focus is on him. You have children and they are absolutely going to be affected. I would gently press you to consider their childhoods and not just your husband’s.

I know you don’t want to hear this, but I do mean it kindly. This is unsustainable for all 4 of you. You can’t fix everything. But you do run the real risk of giving your children lifelong trauma. You have already mentioned him leaving one child and also upsetting them both at another time. I would imagine they are confused and scared. He needs to be away until he gets better.

I would also consider some counseling for yourself. This situation is frightening to me just reading it. I can’t imagine living it.

OP, have you read up on Cassandra Syndrome which describes the trauma a Neurotypical person feels when they are e relationship with someone who is Neurodivergent?
It might help.

I will check it out, thank you.

I echo those saying look into adhd. Lots you described rings true of that.

im ADS and ADHD. And have been accused of not listening in the past. I had one ex I was never sure if he was gaslighting me or if I genuinely didn’t recall conversations but he’d always say stuff like he’d told me xyz why didn’t I know. I think he was a nasty lying man using my vulnerability to abuse. But my current partner has taken it in when I say to him if he wants me to take in important information say my name and tell me it’s important I take this in. I’ve also developed the habit of repeating back what I’ve understood in situations like this. I think you need to tell your partner to listen and have that acknowledged before you give the information. Then check you both understand the same way because as you say you are NT some of this may be NT communication. I find it infuriates me how much is inferred and danced about with NT communication, I can even say exactly what I mean but a NT will think I mean something other than I said because that’s how they would have said something. So check.

nit for many years but I remember a time I couldn’t get m mind to work. I was constantly on the edge of burnout and breakdown and I’d recover enough to get the mask back in and keep going and it was like being a zombie half the time and overstimulated the rest. As soon as I was diagnosed I made changes to my life and don’t suffer on or force myself to be like every one else and I haven’t felt that disconnected Brian fog feeling in years. Still forget my keys and appointments etc it I’d never forget a child! Get your partner assessed and get him making changes. Best to not mask all the time and save the skill for work. Take time to de stress the be a better husband and father with better energy that he is Joe drowning in constant almost burnout. If that’s what is going on here.

leaving is all well and good hut courts order contact with violent abusive parents all the time. Your husband isn’t abusive and if it turns out he’s autistic or something then it would be discrimination to order supervised contact only. I would say your concerns for safety are warranted if you split from what you have said. Teach your kids how to call emergency services, teach them their full name, teach them your phone number and address. Once they know this stuff then you can split knowing they will get help if he forgets them. Sick state of society but kids are not protected by our legal system. My kids dad admitted to hurting our dd and he got unsupervised contact. He regularly treats our autistic ds very badly there have been multiple SS referrals and the legal stance is no matter what trauma these kids are being put through if they are not at risk of death sexual abuse and the physical abuse doesn’t leave obvious marks then the relationship with their dad is always best for them. Mumsnet is delusional that courts protect kids so bear that in mind until you know your kids can get help of you do have to leave

FFS you can’t diagnose someone with a serious personality disorder on the basis of one reported conversation 🙄.

Honestly, the number of so called “narcissists” on here you’d think it was an epidemic rather than incredibly uncommon.

@Aworldofwonder I can see why you’re so worried and echo PPs thoughts about needing to understand whether this is psychosis requiring meds, disassociative identity disorder / autism w complex PTSD.

My DH has a chronic pain condition plus autism and complex PTSD, so I can tell you something about that. I think he has an internalised PDA profile. He has had mental health crises too in the past. He’s benefited from antidepressants plus dialectical behaviour therapy which got him into a better place. Since then he’s had trauma informed somatic therapy including emdr. It was worth finding a specialist.

To add a hopeful note, things are better than they have been for about 7 years. Getting a diagnosis and particularly understanding the ‘internalised’ profiles has been vital. The trauma therapy is what has changed things the most, as DH seems to be addressing the root causes of some maladaptive responses to continually being misunderstood (and raised by anxious / PDA parents).

Sending a hug. 💐

Just a note that CBT and psychotherapy were unhelpful for DH and to check if the modality of therapy is good for ASD ppl (as you suspect ASD).

Thanks for sharing this, it's really interesting and I hadn't heard it before. My ADHD teen found talking therapy completely useless, and I've wondered if it was connected to his neurodiversity.

It’s becoming increasingly clear that autism and adhd often co-exist and it’s thought between 30-70% of autistic people also have adhd.
I also think that’s it’s entirely possible that many people who experience childhood trauma have parents/ family with neurodiversity. So you can have suffered childhood trauma and be neurodiverse. They’re not mutually exclusive.

Definitely sounds like autism to me, my autistic DD (although a 11yr old child) is exactly like this and it’s not trauma! I secretly call her ‘Teflon brain’ as NOTHING you tell her sticks unless it’s something she wants to know herself. Her Dad was exactly the same and it drove me round the bloody bend! With DD for example, just today we were walking the dog and I was fiddling about, getting a poo bag ready, trying to open one with gloves on. I said to DD “I’m just getting one open and ready because if I do it once he’s been and it takes me a minute, someone will come running out of their house to accuse me of not picking up!” DD says “Ohh, really? That’s a bit bad” Then 5 secs later she says “Has he been then?”
This is just one example of many, many instances per day. Like I said, her Dad was the same - both Autistic.

It might be worth listening to a few episodes of an adhd podcast like adhd chatter. It was an absolute light bulb moment for me and has really helped me even though i havent sought a diagnosis and dont wish to.

Several people told me my son probably had adhd & autism so I was researching for him and it was unbelievable the impact of realising I wasn't just broken/weird but other people struggled in the way I did. Everything they said resonated with me even down to holding off going for a wee until I am in absolute agony when I am in the flow of something i find interesting. I had no idea I was classic adhd as I am a generation where it wasn't picked up.

I have also had a traumatic childhood so with that mixed in my adhd has presented as anxiety and depression with periods of absolute overwhelm. Sounds quite similar to your DH. When my children were young it was the most difficult time for overwhelm and I honestly feel like I was there in body but just going through the motions for their first few years.

My son who is insisting he doesn't want a diagnosis as he doesn't want "putting in a box" sounds quite similar to your DH. He is an A* student at a top uni but really struggles with basic instructions as he has so much whizzing around his mind. He says that people often think he is stupid even though he has a very high iq. He constantly says wait, what? as he tries to catch up. He is at uni now and I worry how he will cope in a work environment.

No harm in listening to a few podcasts or reading some books to see if anything resonates with your DH.

OP I grew up in a home with parents who definitely should’ve separated and let me tell you, it was hell. I was constantly worried, constantly felt on edge and never settled the entire 16 years before I moved out. Please don’t do this to your kids, OP.

Oh lovely, your care and concern for hom shine out, and so does his basic good nature.

From all youve said it's a very complex situation and I -really- dont think a single interview with a psychologist or psychiatrist is going to do anything but confuse the issue. It needs an in depyh assessment.

Which country are you based in?

I think you need to get pragmatic here. Write down a list of the difficult aspects of his becaviour and how his brain is functioning over a period of three months or more. You can do this with love, but you need to be clear eyed about it.

Woth the combination of traumatic childhood (and a mother like that is very traumatic, the unpredictability is disastrous) and the possibility of neurodiversity, I think you need an experienced psychiatrist who has experience of both ND and trauma. Some trauma-based behaviour patterns can have similarities with some ND behaviour patterns, though for different causes, and somtimes ND and trauma overlap.

If you can, try to track down a really good psychiatrist. If you need to, go privately if you can. Get an in depth assessment and hopefully some ideas as to how to help him.

As you clearly know, you need to take action. Not only for your own sake, but for that of your children. Children need physical and emotiinal safety and parents who are (reasonably) well attuned to them. No matter how much he loves them, your husban does not sound in a position to be able to do that at this moment, and honestly, its going to be a long road ahead.

Please do take care of yourself too. You cant pour from an empty cup.