I'm exhausted with my (undiagnosed)likely autistic DP

[Aworldofwonder]

My DP exhausts me. I love him and care about him so much but don't feel connected to him. The thought of him suffering breaks my heart but I can't stand being around him and the prospect of being intimate with him makes me want to cry.

It's started to dawn on me that he is putting all his energy into appearing to be following a conversation or present. I end up losing my temper with frustration.

It's like being with someone for years then finding out they had a secret drug habit and were high for most of it.

He has just lost his job. It's the fifth time in nine years. They are very well paid jobs, senior positions. He's so clever but I know it's down to not being able to follow what is being said to him, prioritise tasks or follow briefs.

I feel so lonely. Please don't say to leave him, I may in the future but our DC is still small and I don't want them living between two houses especially as he is sometimes frightening when he switches off.

Thank you everyone. There's a long road ahead.

Could absolutely be disassociating stemming from an undiagnosed neurodivergence. If he has never been given any support, especially for his early trauma which for a neurodivergent person is even more distressing then his brain could have simply adapted to shutting down. He won’t be aware he is doing this as it happens at a subconscious level, he will most likely blame externally for it. The ND in him is most likely making it hard for him to understand communication especially when it’s a little ambiguous. People in his life himself, including you and his work colleagues etc are treating him as an NT and he isn’t functioning.

I am so sorry for your loss and that you feel alone in this.

Sounds like our experiences, too. The conversation where I am trying to tell him something but his head is full of what he already knows so he tells me something instead. I sharply interrupted him yesterday to point out that this wasn’t about him, but about me, and if he’d let me finish my sentence he’d find out. It is very lonely when the person with you doesn’t have any interest in your experience.
Oh and the turning off lights and TV in a room where I’m still sitting watching TV, or when I’ve just cooked and plated up, turn around to see he’s got out cutlery for himself and not for me.

However- DH has been so much better since the demands on him have been lowered.
He works from home now, so no commute and all his comfortable things around him. And of course all the people he deals with are comfortably elsewhere, it’s all phone calls and messages. No faces on the calls, either. Cameras all off.

I no longer have emotional expectations of him, so he isn’t dealing with my disappointment, sadness, loneliness. I meet my own emotional needs, no demand on him at all

It’s made a big difference for us. It’s not what I thought marriage would be like but it’s fine. We’re content and relaxed bar he occasional irritation when he puts away things I’ve just got out to use!

I live with one person in my family who is diagnosed with autism and others who are related to this individual but don't have a diagnosis who I think likely are autistic. They agreed they are likely autistic.

Autism presents in lots of different ways so I can't say what you are experiencing and witnessing is autism. It sounds like it could be but also could be something else. Either way you are in the middle and you are clearly struggling which I totally understand. Do you think you could get some therapy yourself to navigate this. It's something I have thought of doing but exhaustion prevents me.

Gosh that sounds very familiar.

How was he when you first me and were dating OP? I’m trying to understand the decline if you see what I mean. My good friend has a brain tumour that took a long while for doctors to diagnose due to its positioning, some aspects of him present as autistic, but he isn’t.

It may be worth using a minute taking app - something like magic notes in the interim. Use it to record everything if you/he can. He can set it to record and the start of conversations and once you stop the app will provide a detailed summary of what was said, what was agreed, tasks and priorities etc. You do have to make sure the phone remains on and doesn’t divert to its lock screen, or it will pause the recording just fyi.
This may be useful to present to him / GP / healthcare workers as a direct record

sorry If it’s been covered - was there ever a time you shared hobbies or things you liked doing together as a couple? For us it’s low key stuff like watching crime dramas, or a particular sport etc. I’d start there, not with conversations or needs but with - what do you enjoy doing together? Do some of that, schedule it, make time for it.

my dh has been similar at bad times and if you don’t want to leave, you do have to find reasons for staying, some enjoyment out of the relationship, for both of you. If he can’t support in emotional ways can he do more practical helping like drop offs, pick ups, cooking so you both feel he’s valuably helping?

your dh sounds depressed of course, ND in need of help etc (what other pp have said) changing jobs that frequently is going to undermine his coping because colleagues haven’t had time to adapt to his needs etc.

basically, leaving aside the problems (ha) can you build anything into your lives where you both agree he has value and helps?

This is exactly like my ex.
He could not cope being an employee but eventually ran his own business okay ... because he could do everything his way.
He was a terrible partner and a dangerous parent of young children ... through no fault of his own.
If you leave him at least he won't have the stress of trying to be a good partner and parent.

ASD and adhd are usually co morbid. And although not mental health issues as such they do create mental health issues and these are also co morbid.

They certainly do create MH problems especially if undiagnosed. I can only imagine internalising all the voices and opinions of everyone else when you simply don’t possess the brain to cope with the world the way it is. What it must do to a person whose whole life is built around survival. I don’t think people understand just how being ND feels. I don’t condone some of the behaviours but I can definitely understand how they come about.

It sounds like he is just completely overloaded.
My husband has changed a lot over our twenty year marriage but I believe it is stress. He looks like he is listening but I know he isn’t. I ask him to repeat what I’ve said. He forgets stuff all the time. I’m concerned about how he runs his business now. And I’ve noticed when he’s really stressed he has a permanent frown and a slightly shaky hand.
Is there anyway your husband can decompress somewhere?

What utter nonsense. Completely untrue

Well the lead pysch who specialises in ND in our metropolitan area who diagnosed my dd told us this. She’d only been doing it 30 years.

What’s your PhD in? Breathtaking ignorance.

Asd and adhd co morbid https://www.psychiatry.org/news-room/apa-blogs/when-autism-and-adhd-occur-together

Mental health issues and ND
https://nhsdorset.nhs.uk/neurodiversity/explore/mentalhealth/

I read something lately that said something along the lines that all humans, however ND are built to seek and need connection for survival. ND people struggle to gain acceptance and the masking to fit in to feel safe basically causes the MH issues. Loss of identity, loss of who you are and what you need to lower the nervous system. I have so much sympathy (I am ND myself). There are an awful lot of adults now who’ve gone through the system unnoticed.

Yep.

That's quite a harsh way to speak to someone who is disassociating. I know it must be frustrating but could you not be a bit kinder

He has literally been pushed to a fawn/people pleasing response. It shouldn’t be an argument, the difference in communication style shouldn’t end up like this.

You don't want to leave him and that's for you to decide, however, after reading just your first paragraph I would drop his arse like a hot potato.
A partner should not be a burden in your life.
I have (diagnosed) Asperger's myself.

Maybe you should read the articles you cite yourself. None of the figures of comorbidity they state translate to ‘usually’.

Your horrible rudeness is also just nasty.

If you don’t want to leave him I would start by lowering your expectations of him. Then I would build up my own life so that I wasn’t dependant on him either financially, emotionally or socially. You can still be good, loving co-parents in that situation.

They were just the first articles l came across.

What’s your expertise?

Al summaries

My dd was diagnosed in a big ND centre attached to children’s hospital. We saw loads of psychologists, nurses, psychiatrist, support staff.

They all said this.

I’m not sure what you’re not getting here? You said there is usually comorbidity between adhd and autism. The articles you cite agree with me not you.

You are wasting your time, you can’t argue with stupid.