In-laws ruining my postpartum experience

[NewMum1989]

FYI this is a long one and if you stick with it I want to thank you for listening. My LO is 5 weeks old and I’m mourning the newborn bubble I should have had. This is more than likely going to be my only child, and even if they aren’t I feel like my in-laws have totally ruined my experience and I feel really tearful and depressed when I think about it. Since my LO was born they have been overbearing and had next to no boundaries and I’ve started to resent my partner because of them. My LO was born around 4am and because I had to have an emergency forceps delivery I had to go to a recovery unit post surgery. At 8am that same morning my in laws were pestering my partner to come and visit in hospital. I was still in recovery at this point where no visiting was allowed but they kept insisting we ask the midwives to make an exception. I was probably feeling the most vulnerable I have ever felt in my life. My LO was fresh out the womb, I was numb from the boobs down, bleeding onto an incontinence sheet and I had a catheter in. Plus I was exhausted from a long labour. The in-laws messaged my partner telling him we were being malicious by not letting them visit.
I had to stay in hospital for 24 hour monitoring and that evening my partner gave in and allowed them to visit which I was not happy with. The next day I was discharged around 6pm. My partner had asked my in-laws to go to the house and put our heating on so we weren’t going home to a cold house. What I didn’t expect was for them to stay there until we arrived home. I was really quite overwhelmed at this point and went in the shower and just cried and cried.
My partner had 3 weeks paternity and I can honestly say his in-laws were over our house every single day apart from maybe 4/5 days. One of those days being Christmas Day which they wanted us to go over to them for but we said no. They then completely ignored my partner’s calls on Christmas Day because we kept it just the 3 of us in our own home.
My mother in law has zero boundaries, she keeps kissing my LO on the face even though I’ve asked people not to. One day as my MIL was leaving, my LO was on the breast feeding, she only went to kiss their head while they were attached to my boob! Thankfully I think she saw my face and decided against it!
She wears extremely powerful perfume and when I take my LO back off her I can smell it on them. I then bath my LO as soon as possible because I just think that can’t be good for their little lungs.
My sister gave me the pram my mum had bought her for my nephews and I’d planned on using that. My family are not very well off financially and my mum had saved along time to buy that pram for my sister so it was sentimental for me to have it and use it. But the MIL (who is well off financially and likes to show it) had to go out and buy this ridiculously expensive pram for us as a surprise. This also really upset me because now I’m stuck with this big bulky, impractical pram that doesn’t fit in my car properly instead of the pram that actually meant something to me.
They also ruined the naming our LO. We had two names we loved but we couldn’t decide which one we liked better, so we took our time. My in-laws kept on and on asking what they were until eventually my partner told them. Again, a decision I wasn’t happy with. The in-laws then decided to take it upon themselves to start calling my LO the name they preferred of the two. My partner then didn’t want to use that name because he didn’t want his parents thinking they had named our child for us. At this point all the joy had been taken out of the process and after we registered our LO my partner said he wasn’t sure we’d made the right decision. Again I was in floods of tears.
I thought my partner would have been a little stricter with his parents and I’m really quite angry at him as I feel this chapter of my life has been ruined. He also says to me that he thinks his mother loves our LO more than us which really upsets me.
If you’ve made it this far then thank you for reading. This is just the tip of the iceberg and I’m not really sure what I wanted to achieve by posting this. I guess I just needed to vent and get it off my chest.

All I would say is….try not to be too harsh. The in-laws are excited and interested which is a good thing. Your DH needs to explain to them why they need to tone it down and arrange some planned visits.
It seems an age away now, but one day you might be a mil and your lovely baby will be an adult living elsewhere and you’ll be desperate to see their child and be the best grandma you can. You might also annoy the partner of your dc with your enthusiasm but you probably won’t mean to.

Try and be understanding, set the boundaries but explain why. And make sure they know you really want dc to have a relationship with them, it’s just very early days and you need some time

Just to say it doesn't actually matter if they mean well, it matters that you can't be honest with them and it matters how you feel. Honestly anyone with a bit of sense would give a breast feeding woman privacy, and not go round every day.

OP, I had the same when my babies were born. I took myself off to other rooms and said no to some things but in reality unless I wanted to cause a serious family rift some of it just happened the way it happened.

This 'put your foot down' nonsense is just that: nonsense. It's extremely hard to go against people like this especially when you are at a vulnerable stage - and make no mistakes you are extremely vulnerable right now, physically and emotionally. I understand what you mean about missing out on the newborn bubble, it's not Instagram bollocks, it's a real thing and you are entitled to feel badly about it being disturbed.

So, I hear you, and I'm sorry you're feeling pushed out and not in control of what's happening. You are doing your best. Next time they want to come round can you say 'actually, we're just having a quiet day, no visitors today'? It could give you 24 hours reprieve.

And make sure your doors are always locked. Mine have the mentality that they can just walk into our house and they caught me bfing more than once with no top on. I DID have words to say about that!

Return the pram and take to moving to your bedroom to feed.
Tell them it’s so that LO isn’t distracted.
Put a wedge under the door.

You CANNOT let people kiss your newborn on the face - it’s really, really important.

take to moving to your bedroom to feed.

100% recommend this.

Do this……
and also don’t expect they will bend over backwards when you need emergency childcare when the nursery is closed or babysitting at the last minute for a night out you don’t want to miss etc etc
It works both ways so try and think of a way to preserve the relationship because you might need their goodwill and interest in the future.

Everything you have mentioned would piss me off too OP.

However, luckily your baby is still a newborn and you can still have the time you wanted but your husband is going to have to be the boundary setter ASAP.

Your story sounds so similar to my friends, her (otherwise lovely) mother in law insisted on moving in for the first 10 days and my friend hated every moment as every time she wanted time with the baby or she fell asleep the baby was taken away out the room. Breastfeeding could never be established and everyone had an opinion, which is not helpful for a first time mum trying to navigate early motherhood.

She still resents her husband & MIL 2 years on and if I’m honest I think it triggered her post natal depression. The first 12 weeks are for the mother and baby, no one else.

I must say though the little boy is so loved by grandparents and if they ever need a break or support, the overbearing grandparents bite their hand off at the opportunity to spend time with the baby. So there are upsides….

All your feelings are natural, but try not to let the things that have happened ruin this time for you altogether. You might still feel annoyed, but it won’t seem quite so bad in years to come. It sounds like your in-laws are just excited and a bit over bearing.

Going forward, make sure your LO has the name that you want them to have and prefer. Who cares if the in-laws think they named the baby? You can just roll your eyes every time they mention it and you know you had picked the name first.

Politely get rid of the pram that your MIL got that doesn’t work for you and use the pram you want to. Explain it’s a lovely gift, but it doesn’t fit in the car and is just too big. It’s probably best to use this as a training exercise even if it causes offence. We had family that bought completely impractical toys for our child year after year and after several years of returning them and exchanging them for something that would actually fit in our tiny house they took the hint.

Be very clear with your partner about what you need them to do in terms of managing his parents. Your partner is new to all of this too. It really was a beginner mistake him asking them to turn the heating on. They were always going to use it as an opportunity to hang about and see the baby.

It’s also perfectly normal for the grandparents to be more excited/appear to love the LO more than you. My own DM is like this still and my children are much older. It’s far preferable for grandparents to love and be interested in your LO than to not care at all, especially for your LO as they grow up.

I do get they’re invading your space, especially trying to kiss the baby while they are feeding! Get your partner to explain again that they are never to kiss the baby because of the risks involved and remind them they wouldn’t want to be responsible for making LO poorly. Continue to enlist your partner’s help to set boundaries.

Congratulations on the arrival
of your LO!

You both need to be stricter with them just coming to visit when they like. Your DH just needs to tell them to please text before visiting as you’re trying to get into more of a routine. Might be tough at first as sounds like they have no respect for the fact that you want time together as a new family without them there. Can’t believe they were pestering to visit at 8am in the hospital. Some people just have no idea with boundaries and it’s no wonder so many issues. Your DH needs to do better at pushing them back a bit.

Also OP I meant to say, with people as insensitive as them, my experience is you or DH can, and might have to be, pretty blunt to get the message across. My MIL doesn’t seem to get offended easily so my DH has been very direct with her in the past

Your baby, your home, your rules, they need to be told to fuck off…

Or this, yeah 👌 😊

OP I am really sorry this happened to you. My mil did similar and I was angry with her for years after. My DH was also not able to stand up to her.

You are being completely reasonable in setting boundaries. Take some time to think about the name, there is really no rush. And get your DH to take the pram to their house and leave it there.

Your partner needs to tell them they can visit once a week at X time , if he won’t then you need to do it . I can’t understand why you’ve not just moved into the bedroom / kitchen / elsewhere to feed if they don’t move and you don’t want an audience or said to them I’m going to feed him can you leave now .WRT the pram just don’t use it , it’s not hard .

You need to get your partner to stop blabbing to his parents and asking them to do things.

and yourself say no to in-laws. Put boundaries in. Do not allow them to visit for next few weeks, to give you the time alone you craved and did not get.

just say no. Bith of you.

To all the people saying be grateful you have an interested Mil - shame on you!
I'm so sorry OP, you are so vulnerable and exhausted and this is way too much. Having visitors every single day, taking baby from you and not letting you work it out for yourself is not ok.
The good news is that it can change and you will still get your bubble. Please don't upset yourself by dwelling on the past. Show your husband this thread maybe and he needs to enforce boundaries. Yes ofc they can visit but not every day!!

You need to speak to your dh and tell him he needs to tell his parents to drop a message or call before coming round to check it's a convenient time first.

If you can't be bothered with them that day, then he needs to say not today sorry we are shattered after a broken night. If that times not convenient, then he should reply, 5pm till 6pm works best for us, as an example.

If they come in and the babies just been put to sleep, then no she can't pick him up. If they happen to be there and you need to feed the baby, I'd just leave the room and say I'm going to give a feed and then maybe have a nap, if you've had enough of them.

I generally think mums who come on here posting about their newborn trials and tribulations are a bit precious and self-absorbed, but not in this instance. I feel really badly for you, OP. I think I'd feel robbed, too.

All I can suggest is that you take control of the situation yourself. Don't rely on your partner to do so. If you don't you'll hate yourself for having allowed this situation to continue. Would you rather continue to be trampled on, or have your PILs offended? Sure, they haven't harmed your baby - but they have harmed you. I really don't think that's okay, no matter how overwhelmed with excitement and love for their grandchild they may be. They're old enough to know it's not just about that.

@Happyjoe

Anyone I have ever known I've waited a few weeks before then asking if I could come visit and meet the baby. Any person with an ounce of compassion and common sense will know that this is special family time

I don't know anyone who waited few weeks to visit their family or friend's new baby! I had visitors (family) at the hospital and others (friends) round to the house within the hour of getting home. I wanted to shower gorgeous baby off! I do not get this 'family bubble' thing at all...

I think your DH should speak to his parents. Do they just let themselves in? You don’t have to answer the door to them. Maybe you could go to your mum’s for a break for a day.

Use the pram you prefer - tell them it doesn’t fit in your car. Take great delight in selling it when baby is too big!

It’s hard, they need to step back.

Your in laws need to be reigned in as soon as possible, but I also think you need to toughen up a little bit.

I had no newborn bubble with either of my DCs, which I lamented at the time. But I think in-laws are painfully aware that they’re typically sidelined with grandchildren in favour of the mum’s parents who, whether they’re very present or not, do have sort of a free pass, as others have said.

There are a few things going on here:

1. you're feeling weepy and sad because you're hormonal and tired
2. your partner is also adjusting to parenthood and not standing up for the needs of his new family as much as he should - hopefully will when he finds his feet as a dad rather than just a son.
3. your in-laws are being a bit overbearing and not respecting boundaries which you imagine are obvious but might not be to someone who is excited about a new grandchild and understandably wants to see them and do things for them.

If you don't want the pram, for godsakes tell them.

I don't think you can tell a grandparent off for wanting to meet their grandchild or for kissing them. It's part of the deal when you have a baby with someone's beloved child - one day you will be the mother in law yourself and find this out!

As for the perfume - I think you are being a bit "precious first born" here. Perfume won't hurt the baby. Baby is lucky to have a grandma who wants to cuddle it - in fact I can well remember the comfort of being hugged by my Nanna and the distinctive scent of her perfume.

The is no such thing as a "newborn experience" - so please try get the idea out of your head that something has been ruined. Having a new baby, especially a first born is TOUGH. There will always be something which isn't perfect because it's the way of the game. Baby will catch a cold, you'll get mastitis or struggle with feeding, you'll bicker with your partner over nightfeeds or housework or cooking, your stitches will take a long time to heal, something someone says will play on you mind and make you question yourself. There is ALWAYS something which upsets you at this your most vulnerable time of life.

Good luck; it does all get easier!

I think you have had a traumatic birth experience and are taking it out a bit on your PIL.
Yes they have been a bit full on but I’m sure they hoped to meet their grandchild as soon as possible ( my in laws did with our blessing) . Normal to support your arrival home, normal to kiss a grandchild on the head ( as long as not the mouth) . Normal to buy gifts , normal to be excited about a baby’s name.

Not normal to worry about a baby’s lungs being near perfume I’m afraid .

I do think they have come too many times since the baby was born but at least they care.

This is time for DH to ask them nicely to back off a little and for you not to throw the baby out with the bath water when clearly they want to love and support your new little family.

Firstly congratulations on your little one :) so after reading through your post I really think you DH needs to be the one reducing the time they are around for now. Being a first time mum is overwhelming and breastfeeding is so so hard initially (and then super easy a couple months in). You really need good chunks of time to just chill with baby on the sofa, eating, drinking and doing little else. As for this fancy pram, if it’s too bulky etc just tell your MIL the truth and offer to sell it second hand and use the money towards something baby really needs. In the future you’ll likely need their support in childcare and at least they sound like they genuinely care, but right now they need to realise where the boundaries are.