In-laws ruining my postpartum experience

[NewMum1989]

FYI this is a long one and if you stick with it I want to thank you for listening. My LO is 5 weeks old and I’m mourning the newborn bubble I should have had. This is more than likely going to be my only child, and even if they aren’t I feel like my in-laws have totally ruined my experience and I feel really tearful and depressed when I think about it. Since my LO was born they have been overbearing and had next to no boundaries and I’ve started to resent my partner because of them. My LO was born around 4am and because I had to have an emergency forceps delivery I had to go to a recovery unit post surgery. At 8am that same morning my in laws were pestering my partner to come and visit in hospital. I was still in recovery at this point where no visiting was allowed but they kept insisting we ask the midwives to make an exception. I was probably feeling the most vulnerable I have ever felt in my life. My LO was fresh out the womb, I was numb from the boobs down, bleeding onto an incontinence sheet and I had a catheter in. Plus I was exhausted from a long labour. The in-laws messaged my partner telling him we were being malicious by not letting them visit.
I had to stay in hospital for 24 hour monitoring and that evening my partner gave in and allowed them to visit which I was not happy with. The next day I was discharged around 6pm. My partner had asked my in-laws to go to the house and put our heating on so we weren’t going home to a cold house. What I didn’t expect was for them to stay there until we arrived home. I was really quite overwhelmed at this point and went in the shower and just cried and cried.
My partner had 3 weeks paternity and I can honestly say his in-laws were over our house every single day apart from maybe 4/5 days. One of those days being Christmas Day which they wanted us to go over to them for but we said no. They then completely ignored my partner’s calls on Christmas Day because we kept it just the 3 of us in our own home.
My mother in law has zero boundaries, she keeps kissing my LO on the face even though I’ve asked people not to. One day as my MIL was leaving, my LO was on the breast feeding, she only went to kiss their head while they were attached to my boob! Thankfully I think she saw my face and decided against it!
She wears extremely powerful perfume and when I take my LO back off her I can smell it on them. I then bath my LO as soon as possible because I just think that can’t be good for their little lungs.
My sister gave me the pram my mum had bought her for my nephews and I’d planned on using that. My family are not very well off financially and my mum had saved along time to buy that pram for my sister so it was sentimental for me to have it and use it. But the MIL (who is well off financially and likes to show it) had to go out and buy this ridiculously expensive pram for us as a surprise. This also really upset me because now I’m stuck with this big bulky, impractical pram that doesn’t fit in my car properly instead of the pram that actually meant something to me.
They also ruined the naming our LO. We had two names we loved but we couldn’t decide which one we liked better, so we took our time. My in-laws kept on and on asking what they were until eventually my partner told them. Again, a decision I wasn’t happy with. The in-laws then decided to take it upon themselves to start calling my LO the name they preferred of the two. My partner then didn’t want to use that name because he didn’t want his parents thinking they had named our child for us. At this point all the joy had been taken out of the process and after we registered our LO my partner said he wasn’t sure we’d made the right decision. Again I was in floods of tears.
I thought my partner would have been a little stricter with his parents and I’m really quite angry at him as I feel this chapter of my life has been ruined. He also says to me that he thinks his mother loves our LO more than us which really upsets me.
If you’ve made it this far then thank you for reading. This is just the tip of the iceberg and I’m not really sure what I wanted to achieve by posting this. I guess I just needed to vent and get it off my chest.

You picked the wrong person to have a baby with I’m afraid.

Your partner should be protecting your space, and stopping all of these visitors so that you can establish feeding and bond with your own baby.

He needs to tell his mother to back-off. I feel like snapping and it's not even happening to me.

I also had my newborn stage ruined, but for another reason, and years later, I still get resentful over it.

They are out of order but your partner is the one who needs to be sorting this out. Please speak with him, even show him the thread perhaps (if it's suitable, I've not read the whole thread). It's not fair on your and baby to have a constant stream of visitors and I'm so angry on your behalf that your overbearing MIL has done this to you and just taken over, she's bang out of order.

ETA I'd suggest that every time they come over against your wishes, you and baby go up to your bedroom, close the door and snuggle up in bed & breastfeed in peace. If they try to come into your bedroom tell them firmly to get out and that you are feeding your baby.

It sounds very intense OP but all situations can be improved. Pram, that can be the pram at their house. Visits, well as baby gets older you will be out and about to certain places at particular times, so they are welcome to visit on... As baby gets older DP can take them over to visit and you can have uninterrupted peace for a couple of hours. Perhaps they can go for a walk with baby in their house pram. Breastfeeding, ask them to leave the room. They aren't your parents and presumably you gave no desire for an audience. If your husband can't set boundaries then you do it.

Your MIL is clearly excited but she needs some boundaries. The person who needs to speak.to her about this is your husband. However if you dont like someone's things i.e. the potential kiss whilst breastfeeding you need to say no.
I do think its really difficult when youre finding your feet and recovering from labour etc so there just needs to be a little respect and consideration from your MIL I think.

But that's you. You are not OP.

I didn't want anyone except ds' dad near me or ds for weeks. I became agitated and then aggressive at anyone intruding and I actually hit someone who waded in without asking. I didn't mean to, I couldn't help it. It wore off at about 8 weeks.

We are all different.

you felt suffocated but you should tell them you don't want them anymore

As someone who has also had to deal with overbearing, interfering and boundary free in-laws I send you my full sympathies. Mine also announced our birth before we had finished telling immediate family!
Unfortunately my DH was afraid of upsetting mil so would not stand up for me. Luckily I wasn't quite as worried about her hating me so eventually told her to butt out, but even now I do still feel resentful of all the joy I feel she stole from my postpartum period.

I thought ladies working in healthcare are very very great toughies but....so sad ...make your life comfy to your own self.

Are you the MIL?

My MIL was a nightmare when I had my first child, she would ring me up at 7/7.30 in the morning and say oh you’re home then, I’d be like, well yes where the hell do you think I’d be this time of day!!
When she turned up at my house I’d ignore the door, I never answered it.
She bought a pushchair when my child was old enough and out grown her pram, back in the 80’s we didn’t have the set up mum’s have now 🤣 one day I walked past the shop where she worked and my dad was pushing the pushchair and she came out grabbed the pushchair and said she wanted to show her friend the pushchair she had bought, so I took my child out of the pushchair and gave it to her and walked away!!!
You need to stand up to her

Honestly can’t understand accepting the bloody pram when you know had one with sentimental value that you wanted.

make your DH give it the hell back! A heavy and cumbersome pram that you don’t even want is most new parents idea of hell.

it’d give you irrational anger every time you try to put it down or carry it.

I would have turned the phones off or put on airplane mode when in hospital, or temporarily block them if a dont call us, we will call you type message wasnt getting through to them.

You could say
*Dear PIL, its been an incredibly busy 5 weeks since baby arrived and we are exhausted with the christmas get togethers combined with the journey of a new born. To allow us to get into a routine, create a bond and heal from the delivery we are hunkering down for a bit. Would love to see you on [insert suitable days/times as a proposal or say something like a couple of weeks time when we are a bit more settled.] I dont remember discussing the pram but i already have one so i will let you keep the one you got - maybe keep it at yours and use it there as I think if will be too late to return it.

I suspect the pram is thoughtful and maybe they dont like idea of grandchild in a second hand pram. I get it, but not their decision.

Id let the perfume and kissing thing go, personally. Pick your battles and id say thats not worth picking.

Maybe hatch a long term plan for future messages that go unheard/ignored. If they keep messaging to ask things..... screenshot the previous answer and re-send. I hope you all manage to find a way to a solution that suits you and baby.

Your main problem is your DH - he sounds incredibly weak and that's going to be a continuing problem. He needs to support you and the boundaries you agree together. But where is your voice in all these interactions? I get that it's hard to deal with someone else's parents, but you now have a child you need to stand up for as well and, unless your DH suddenly mans up, you're going to have to do it alone. If you don't want your inlaws in your house, ask them to leave. Don't open the door/answer the phone. Sell the pushchair.

Tell DH to step up and put his foot down. Who is he wanting to upset more - you or his mother?
Yes, they are allowed to be excited as grandparents. No, they are not allowed to be so invasive at such a special time.
If you don’t put MIL straight now, you set precedent for many years to come. Better to put her nose out of joint quickly, then close the door and settle into your baby bubble. Have her back over when you are ready and put your boundaries firmly in place!

Put them on an information diet and "toss" the doorbell...

I am going to put my neck on the block again!

I get that OP has had a traumatic birth, I empathise. But PPs saying her husband is weak, and blaming him for his overbearing, excited parents are missing the point that OP, and I do say this gently, has not lost her voice and like a protective tiger (excuse the metaphor), is capable of speaking up to protect her her essential environment to allow her and her DH/P to bond with their DC.

I see double standards here, women stand up for yourselves and on a bad day, it is for your husband to protect you. Which one is it?

Not all men, by far, but thread after thread of men that don’t reach the high bar, so why do we expect OPs OH to sanction his DPs.

OP, I do empathise with what you are experiencing.

@Movingonup313 message is a good one but I think it would be better coming from DH. Then he can send them a couple of daily photos to appease them.

If this doesn't work then you will know that it is not just excitement from otherwise normal people and that they only care about themselves and what they want. Then you can feel justified in being equally blunt and caring only about yourself and LO.

You both also need to be less available - don't answer every phone call or text. You don't need to answer the door if you don't want to. If you want to make it less personal just put a sign up on the door saying "please don't know, everyone in the house is sleeping right now".

Congratulations on your LO. I hope things improve

But the postpartum period is such a vulnerable time for many women. Certainly for me following a traumatic birth and challenges with breastfeeding and extreme sleep deprivation I wasn’t in a position to take charge with my partner’s parents. Plus the fact that they are his parents, so he should feel more comfortable having an honest chat with them in a way OP might find more difficult, even in the best of circumstances.

I don't mean to be unsympathetic at all, my heart goes out to you.

You're right, your baby is NOT a plaything to be picked up and passed around ... so if you've just settled him then say so. Physically put yourself in the way if you need to.

And if you want privacy to breast feed, then say so. Either get up and go to another room, or ask them to leave.
You can do it politely, as in "could you give me a bit of privacy here please?"
Or, if you really think FIL has no boundaries ask him if he is enjoying the view (staring at your breasts when you are feeding is well creepy)!

I'm not meaning to make it sound as if there are easy answers to everything, I know it's not easy. But do start to stand up for yourself. Start with something small and build up. It will get easier with practice.

This really is the time when partners are supposed to show up and advocate for you. He should have been doing this from the start. Does he realise that is his role, and do you?

You sound like you're feeling very vulnerable and possibly in a little bit of overwhelmed shock - I remember that feeling well. When you're at this stage and feeling fragile you need to outline your needs to your partner and he needs to support you.

Honestly if your DP won't enforce your boundaries with his parents then I would be tempted to take my baby and go and stay with my mother until he learns to prioritise you.

Like others have said you primarily have a DP problem not an in laws problem.

Find your voice now as you have many years ahead of grandparent involvement.

she sounds overbearing but excited. You are the mother and you decide your boundaries.

Hopefully in the future, you can take a nice bubble bath and relax when MIL cuddles baby for half an hour!

I feel for you OP I experienced a fraction of that and it still upsets me.

Practical things to do. Ignore their calls and messages. Don't let them in. Go out more so they can't be with you all the time. Get rid of the pram, sell it if you can. If they are at your house take baby and sit in your bedroom or nursery. Tell them it's naptime even if it's not. If they pretend they've come round to help give them jobs to do. Stack of ironing. Hand wash some popped on vests. Peel veg for dinner.

But most importantly talk to your hubby and get on the same page.

I hope the rest of your maternity leave improves.

The in-laws then decided to take it upon themselves to start calling my LO the name they preferred of the two. My partner then didn’t want to use that name because he didn’t want his parents thinking they had named our child for us. At this point all the joy had been taken out of the process and after we registered our LO my partner said he wasn’t sure we’d made the right decision.

It sounds to me like he is also not happy with them and unable to stand up to them. If this has been his childhood, then he has been trained to acquiesce. Possibly his dad is also under her thumb. Apologies, no advice but that is my perspective.

You are totally reasonable to feel like you do.
I dont gave any advice really but just wanted to say that.