In-laws ruining my postpartum experience

[NewMum1989]

FYI this is a long one and if you stick with it I want to thank you for listening. My LO is 5 weeks old and I’m mourning the newborn bubble I should have had. This is more than likely going to be my only child, and even if they aren’t I feel like my in-laws have totally ruined my experience and I feel really tearful and depressed when I think about it. Since my LO was born they have been overbearing and had next to no boundaries and I’ve started to resent my partner because of them. My LO was born around 4am and because I had to have an emergency forceps delivery I had to go to a recovery unit post surgery. At 8am that same morning my in laws were pestering my partner to come and visit in hospital. I was still in recovery at this point where no visiting was allowed but they kept insisting we ask the midwives to make an exception. I was probably feeling the most vulnerable I have ever felt in my life. My LO was fresh out the womb, I was numb from the boobs down, bleeding onto an incontinence sheet and I had a catheter in. Plus I was exhausted from a long labour. The in-laws messaged my partner telling him we were being malicious by not letting them visit.
I had to stay in hospital for 24 hour monitoring and that evening my partner gave in and allowed them to visit which I was not happy with. The next day I was discharged around 6pm. My partner had asked my in-laws to go to the house and put our heating on so we weren’t going home to a cold house. What I didn’t expect was for them to stay there until we arrived home. I was really quite overwhelmed at this point and went in the shower and just cried and cried.
My partner had 3 weeks paternity and I can honestly say his in-laws were over our house every single day apart from maybe 4/5 days. One of those days being Christmas Day which they wanted us to go over to them for but we said no. They then completely ignored my partner’s calls on Christmas Day because we kept it just the 3 of us in our own home.
My mother in law has zero boundaries, she keeps kissing my LO on the face even though I’ve asked people not to. One day as my MIL was leaving, my LO was on the breast feeding, she only went to kiss their head while they were attached to my boob! Thankfully I think she saw my face and decided against it!
She wears extremely powerful perfume and when I take my LO back off her I can smell it on them. I then bath my LO as soon as possible because I just think that can’t be good for their little lungs.
My sister gave me the pram my mum had bought her for my nephews and I’d planned on using that. My family are not very well off financially and my mum had saved along time to buy that pram for my sister so it was sentimental for me to have it and use it. But the MIL (who is well off financially and likes to show it) had to go out and buy this ridiculously expensive pram for us as a surprise. This also really upset me because now I’m stuck with this big bulky, impractical pram that doesn’t fit in my car properly instead of the pram that actually meant something to me.
They also ruined the naming our LO. We had two names we loved but we couldn’t decide which one we liked better, so we took our time. My in-laws kept on and on asking what they were until eventually my partner told them. Again, a decision I wasn’t happy with. The in-laws then decided to take it upon themselves to start calling my LO the name they preferred of the two. My partner then didn’t want to use that name because he didn’t want his parents thinking they had named our child for us. At this point all the joy had been taken out of the process and after we registered our LO my partner said he wasn’t sure we’d made the right decision. Again I was in floods of tears.
I thought my partner would have been a little stricter with his parents and I’m really quite angry at him as I feel this chapter of my life has been ruined. He also says to me that he thinks his mother loves our LO more than us which really upsets me.
If you’ve made it this far then thank you for reading. This is just the tip of the iceberg and I’m not really sure what I wanted to achieve by posting this. I guess I just needed to vent and get it off my chest.

OP, I hope your ok. I had a similar experience with my first (now 12) sadly, it had a huge effect on my MH (i ended up with PND) and it also contributed to the break down of my marriage.
My daughters dad was not an advocate for me and I saw very clearly where his loyalty lied....unfortunately this lead to resentment and there was no coming back from that.

Please please dont sit on this. I never had the honest and frank chat with my EX about what I needed from him (would he have changed, I doubt it, but i didnt say anything til it was way too late) sit him down and tell him all this. Or write it out and give it him to read.
If he cant advocate for u now at your most vulnerable youll probably struggle to get past that.

I have a partner now who would support me first regardless of what was going on and he has made this very clear from the start so dont be fooled that no one would prioritise you over their mum.

Feel free to pm, ive been there x

Are you the MIL? Because this is ridiculous.

Bless you, my sil turned up the next day at the hospital unannounced when I'd given birth...I was fuming as it was important my DF saw his grandson first....due to personal reasons. I was so upset and to tgos day 21 years on it still annoys me.

Put yr foot down tell your partner no more, enough is enough

Anyone with an ounce of common sense will know that spending every day with your son and daughter in law during the post partum period is likely to be intrusive unless it’s been asked of them. With my first baby I was an absolute mess- in hospital 4 nights and really not ready to see people. The OP sounds like she had a difficult birth and her in-laws made it all about them by steam rollering their way into the hospital. I’d be interested to know if her mil herself had an easy birth. I do think that does change your own perceptions of the experience. If my daughters have children, I’d be primarily worried about them first and foremost knowing the women in my family tend to have tough births. I’d want to be looking after and helping them in whatever way they needed.

I don’t get the obsession with needing a cuddle as soon as a baby’s been born. Great if the mother is ok with that but it really isn’t going to kill anyone to wait a few days to have a newborn cuddle. I really don’t understand the rush.

You went into the shower and cried & cried because they stuck around for a visit? I’m with you on the head kissing (eugh) but the crying and crying because they visited is ridiculous. Why did you not just say “No thanks, we’ve got one” when MIL offered the pram? If your DH is not allowing you to speak then he’s controlling & abusive and you need to leave.

Keep their pram for indoors rocking baby to sleep ect and get the other one off your sister for in the car, if your husband doesn’t put his foot Down I’m afraid you are going to have to start being more vocal and standing your ground.

Yes, tbh everyone I knew visited in the hospital immediately and the ones that were interested did go round most days, if they weren't working. Does she help? If not, give her specific tasks, and if she doesn't do them, say your mate's coming instead to do this. I do know it's annoying when family come to visit the baby, get in the way, and cause you more work by demanding food and drinks; this was partly my fault as I should have been clearer on what I wanted. I would have been firmer if I didn't want the pram, saying in a kind way that I appreciated her being excited, but could she buy X instead. The perfume: politely and kindly say you're sensitive to it, so please could she wear less. Some people genuinely have no sense of smell (I believe this as a few years ago I lost mine over Covid, and there's other reasons people lose it).
Going forward, just be polite, but firm, about what you want from her; have a talk together with your partner there. If she refuses, then you just need to stick to your boundaries, smiling, firm. Having a loving gran is one of the best gifts a baby can have, and I'm not just talking about any free babysitting.

I went in the shower and cried and cried because I’d just been through a difficult labour, my privacy had already been violated by the in-laws steamrollering their way into the hospital a few hours after me giving birth, only for me to get my baby home and be blindsided by having them in my house. I was not expecting them to be there. It wasn’t a “visit” it was them manipulating what my partner had asked them to do to benefit their own selfish needs of wanting to see the baby again. I wanted peace and privacy for the first few hours of being home with my newborn.
As for the pram situation the MIL knew I had a pram already but she decided we needed a new one and took it upon herself to buy us one without asking. She didn’t “offer” it to us, she bought it and practically pushed it into our hands.
As for the controlling and abusive comment… what a ridiculous conclusion to make. He is neither controlling nor abusive, he just lets his parents get away with absolute murder.

@NewMum1989

You say he lets his parents get away with murder but it’s at your expense.

Why aren’t you saying clearly and directly to your husband that you’re not happy and he needs to do something about it?

By putting their needs first he’s ignoring yours.

JFC where's your empathy? OP had a really difficult forceps birth and was feel overwhelmed when her PILs bulldozed their way into the hospital with no invitation when she was still in recovery. I'm in my late 60s and I can still remember how vulnerable and tearful I felt after the birth of one of my children.

Her PILs massively overstepped by staying in the house to wait for OP's return from hospital. They had already met the baby so of course they should have waited for an invitation.

OP has said that she had told her MIL that she had a pram so why on earth would MIL buy another one?

Her DH is obviously weak and completely under his mother's thumb but he doesn't sound controlling or abusive. He does need to start sticking up for his wife though.

Her DH is obviously weak and completely under his mother's thumb but he doesn't sound controlling or abusive. He does need to start sticking up for his wife though.

This is the key point here. The poor man clearly tries but they just steamroller him. What can she do to put some more lead into his pencil?

I think, rather than retreating to the shower (not that I am suggesting going back in time of course, but for future unwanted/unplanned visits) a better strategy would be to retreat to the bedroom with baby and tell DH:
(a) he needs to bring her anything she needs (cup of tea, bag of baby stuff, etc)
(b) she isn't coming out until they are gone.

Sadly it seems that neither OP nor her DH has been taught to stand up for themselves - and it's hard to have to learn this at the same time as coping with your (precious) first baby. But she does need to get some boundaries established as soon as she can because she is going to be dealing with this for a long time to come - first birthday, first day at school, high school prom, graduation, all these key events will be overshadowed for her.

Women are vulnerable after birth. I think even for a long while afterwards. You’re being bulldozed and so is your h.

As for the pram situation the MIL knew I had a pram already but she decided we needed a new one and took it upon herself to buy us one without asking. She didn’t “offer” it to us, she bought it and practically pushed it into our hands.

In which case sell the pram she bought and use the money for something else. If she asks, say ‘what a shame you hadn’t checked with us first, it didn’t fit in the car so we couldn’t use it, it’s gone to someone who can use it’

Your DH is going to need support standing up to his parents but emphasize with him this is only going to get worse as your child gets older if boundaries don’t get established now.

MIL IS FAMILY TOO. Expecting her to wait several weeks to meet her grandchildren is ludicrous. The test of her behaviour needs nipped in the bud

Firstly congratulations & I hope you are doing ok. I could’ve written this exact same story almost 18 years ago. My husband has been a brilliant husband but he has never been strict with his family and this is exactly how they behaved when I had my first son. I still get angry if I let myself think about it. When I had my second I was much tougher and set boundaries but I also felt very vulnerable after my first. I think from today set your own boundaries and enforce them, you don’t have to explain yourself or be rude just say no. You will feel so much better when you look back on this if you remember being strong and pushing back a bit. Good luck, in laws or family in general can be absolutely awful at times. I have 2 boys so I hope I can be a good MIL one day xxxx

Have you sat your DH down and told him exactly how you feel and that this has to change? That needs to be the first step and then he has to sit his parents down and respectfully tell them that he loves and appreciates what they’ve done so far but you now need time to adjust to life as a family of three. You’re happy to see them once a week (or whatever works) but won’t be able to accommodate any more than this. If they don’t like it, too bad and if they turn up, don’t let them in.

Having read all these posts I feel honoured that my neighbours, who brought their new born home on Thursday, invited me in that day to meet him.

My MIL pushed her way in within 3 hours of my eldest being born despite being told to hold fire until my DH had phoned her back. I never forgot it. It was the start of years of misery and a difficult relationship. I’m not confrontational so I let her away with a lot. She could be helpful but she crossed the line too many times and my DH would just say things like‘she means well’.
If I had my time again I would not let her away with anything. Pushy people are often bullies so you have to always be one step ahead. Learn to rephrase things like ‘we can’t see you tomorrow but if you would like to come over on Thursday at about 10 i could have a bath/go to the dump’ etc. Make her useful-you will resent her less.
My advise - do as I say don’t do as I did! Good luck!

Mine did too! It was a mad rush to finish the blanket on time, though.

I've met all my neighbours' babies when they were under 4 days old. I'm so lucky. I love my tiny neighbours.

Please get your husband to nip this in the bud NOW!! You BOTH need to discuss and make boundaries and stick to them!! Feck the fact they might be upset. They won't hold a grudge for long because they will want to see your little one. If they do hold a grudge, just enjoy that time alone in your new family bubble. I hope it all goes well. X

Your In Laws are probably very excited to be grandparents!

If they are keen to come over to your house, then use it as an opportunity to get them to do jobs for you!

Baby’s generate endless washing and ironing, can they do this for you?

Ask them to bring over prepared meals for you and your husband to eat!

Send them out to get nappies, wipes etc?

Can they clean bathrooms? Mop floors? Clean skirting boards?

Turn all of their enthusiasm into an opportunity to keep them busy, so you can enjoy your time with the baby while you get some much needed rest!

I emphasise as my first morning after being discharged from hospital after a 72 hour labour (after my waters had broken) and having an emergency C-Section because both the baby and I were in shock, and having both an infection in my scar and womb….and taking the most horrendous antibiotics I had no less than 11 family members defend from both sides of the family expecting to be fed, entertained, and to see the baby!

My nephew was going through ‘a destructive phase’ and was tearing the house apart, and I was told that I looked dreadful, and was given endlessly unsolicited advice on not breastfeeding to have a proper rest!

With being in hospital for a week we hardly had any food or supplies….

Now when someone has a baby, I literally drop off a cooked meal that can go straight into the oven with no prep, a card and a present, dropping and going and not entering the house!

I do invite them over when they are ready for me to give them food, drinks and snacks!

I would be issuing tasks!

I did it when people visited me after the birth of my second child… and guess what…. They didn’t seem so keen to keep coming over!

Op ignore stupid comments which I assume are from overstepping disgruntled MIL'S (probably touched a nerve). I honestly feel angry for you, that is ridiculous. It isn't their baby and they need to back the F off. Your dh needs to tell them to stop; you are his wife, mother of his child and have just had a baby! This is the least he can do, he needs to man up and stand up to Mummy. Gosh, it doesn't sound like they have done anything helpful like drop in nappies, or food for you.

Me too, but as the new Dad pointed out just now, the biggest baby in the house is my hugh dog.

How do you react to this?
What I would do is say :
"Thank you for visting but this isn't a good time- I'm exhausted and the baby has finally settled, I'm just off to bed...please call ahead next time" and shut the door in their faces with a big smile.
"Thank you for the pram, what a kind thought but I already have one that means a lot to me, so I'll be sticking with that one, hope you can still return it."
"I'm just going to feed the baby, still getting the hang of it and need my privacy", leave and lock yourself in the bedroom.
"No, I'm not denying you a relationship with your grandchild- your grandchild is 5 weeks old and I'm an exhausted new Mum and need my space. I'm sure you understand, thanks."
...
People treat you how you allow them to. If you let them walk all over you, they will. Why are you giving up all your power?? You're an adult and a Mum and this is your baby. Start putting your own boundaries in place. Nobody else is going to do it for you. Your partner could but it doesn't seem like he will, so you do it. Kindly and most of all, firmly, on repeat, untill they respect your boundaries.

The smell of perfume on my baby would drive me nuts.
I had a frustrating time with my in-laws but not to this extent.
The first three to six months are the hardest and I did not have the birth experience you did. You need to talk to your partner, he needs to do what is best for you and your new baby.
What is the most important thing at this time is family bonding, by that I mean the three of you.
I was really lucky, my family accepted my boundaries, turned up with food, did my washing and dropped off meals. Allowed me to physically recover. That’s the help new parents need. in my view and experience

Some people need to be told exactly the help you need. Your partner husband has to tell them not you. Your focus has to be recovery. Giving birth is hard physical work that takes about a year for your body to get back to any way normal.