In-laws ruining my postpartum experience

[NewMum1989]

FYI this is a long one and if you stick with it I want to thank you for listening. My LO is 5 weeks old and I’m mourning the newborn bubble I should have had. This is more than likely going to be my only child, and even if they aren’t I feel like my in-laws have totally ruined my experience and I feel really tearful and depressed when I think about it. Since my LO was born they have been overbearing and had next to no boundaries and I’ve started to resent my partner because of them. My LO was born around 4am and because I had to have an emergency forceps delivery I had to go to a recovery unit post surgery. At 8am that same morning my in laws were pestering my partner to come and visit in hospital. I was still in recovery at this point where no visiting was allowed but they kept insisting we ask the midwives to make an exception. I was probably feeling the most vulnerable I have ever felt in my life. My LO was fresh out the womb, I was numb from the boobs down, bleeding onto an incontinence sheet and I had a catheter in. Plus I was exhausted from a long labour. The in-laws messaged my partner telling him we were being malicious by not letting them visit.
I had to stay in hospital for 24 hour monitoring and that evening my partner gave in and allowed them to visit which I was not happy with. The next day I was discharged around 6pm. My partner had asked my in-laws to go to the house and put our heating on so we weren’t going home to a cold house. What I didn’t expect was for them to stay there until we arrived home. I was really quite overwhelmed at this point and went in the shower and just cried and cried.
My partner had 3 weeks paternity and I can honestly say his in-laws were over our house every single day apart from maybe 4/5 days. One of those days being Christmas Day which they wanted us to go over to them for but we said no. They then completely ignored my partner’s calls on Christmas Day because we kept it just the 3 of us in our own home.
My mother in law has zero boundaries, she keeps kissing my LO on the face even though I’ve asked people not to. One day as my MIL was leaving, my LO was on the breast feeding, she only went to kiss their head while they were attached to my boob! Thankfully I think she saw my face and decided against it!
She wears extremely powerful perfume and when I take my LO back off her I can smell it on them. I then bath my LO as soon as possible because I just think that can’t be good for their little lungs.
My sister gave me the pram my mum had bought her for my nephews and I’d planned on using that. My family are not very well off financially and my mum had saved along time to buy that pram for my sister so it was sentimental for me to have it and use it. But the MIL (who is well off financially and likes to show it) had to go out and buy this ridiculously expensive pram for us as a surprise. This also really upset me because now I’m stuck with this big bulky, impractical pram that doesn’t fit in my car properly instead of the pram that actually meant something to me.
They also ruined the naming our LO. We had two names we loved but we couldn’t decide which one we liked better, so we took our time. My in-laws kept on and on asking what they were until eventually my partner told them. Again, a decision I wasn’t happy with. The in-laws then decided to take it upon themselves to start calling my LO the name they preferred of the two. My partner then didn’t want to use that name because he didn’t want his parents thinking they had named our child for us. At this point all the joy had been taken out of the process and after we registered our LO my partner said he wasn’t sure we’d made the right decision. Again I was in floods of tears.
I thought my partner would have been a little stricter with his parents and I’m really quite angry at him as I feel this chapter of my life has been ruined. He also says to me that he thinks his mother loves our LO more than us which really upsets me.
If you’ve made it this far then thank you for reading. This is just the tip of the iceberg and I’m not really sure what I wanted to achieve by posting this. I guess I just needed to vent and get it off my chest.

But he is not is he?

FYO, I had a near identical birth. Forceps delivery, lost a lot of blood. The forceps injured my DDs eye.
24 hour stay in hospital.

I asked my friends and family mot
to visit and they didn’t.

Took my baby home to a quiet house, cried my eyes out, eventually wiped tears and here we are today.

Signed your ever loving “misogynistic troll” xxxx

'Is OP, not being a little wet herself?'

She's a new, first time Mum ffs. Give her a break.

We can't all be as stoic as you. 🙄

You have a husband problem. He should be telling his parents to back off if you are upset. So what if they want to visit? If OP doesn't want to see them every day she shouldn't have to. His parents do not have a right to her child at all times. Sure, her DH probably wants to make his parents happy, but he should be taking care of his wife and his child first. The OP is recovering too!

Tell your DH to grow a backbone and put some boundaries in place. If he doesn't it will only get worse.

They came to her home 15 days out of 21 after the baby was born - that's OTT by anyone's standards. Once a week is enough for most people.

It’s very simple, you sit your partner down and show him the post you have made here as that details everything

Then you say it has to stop, you need time for yourself and whilst they maybe excited to have a grandchild how would your mother feel if her mil did to her what she is doing to you

then boundaries go in, no kissing, no taking the baby off you, they phone before they come and accept it when you say it’s not convenient. They take the pram back for their house as it’s not suitable for you and you use the one you want

if he is not prepared to set boundaries and support you then you have a partner problem. I would then simply refuse to use the pram, use the oneyou want, go upstairs with the baby when they arrive if you are feeding, it’s sleep time or whatever and literally shout at mil to go away if that’s what you need to do

could you, if necessary go and stay with your mother once she is over her cold?

I’m definitely under no illusion that life is an instagram feed but when I say “newborn bubble” I don’t mean fairytales and unicorns. I mean learning to be a new mum and getting to know my baby. These five weeks have been bloody hard and have been made even harder by having a constant flow of visitors into my home.
I've just settled the baby after a two hour long crying episode… oh look here’s MIL to disturb him and pick him up and pass him around like he’s a bloody new toy and not a small human being. Also it’s hard enough trying to breastfeed, it’s a whole lot harder when you have a MIL and FIL not respecting boundaries, sitting there staring while I whack a boob out. At least when my dad visits he’ll go into another room if I need to feed the baby or he’ll turn around. And yes I know it’s a totally natural thing but for a first time mum it’s nerve wracking and until I become comfortable doing it I’d at least like a bit of privacy!

Oh darling… sending a hug. Cry away! Ok tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow it all stops! Tonight you sit down with partner and explain everything. Send a message to them tonight no matter what time and explain. In the simplest of terms. I’d start with the visiting the house. Make the message very generic “as if you have sent to all family members” I’d even go as far as lying. This was me with my first and then second DC. MIL and I have a strained relationship and I don’t even care. Set boundary’s be selfish. I’m glad you had Xmas together. No kissing! Midwife has advised babys are too vulnerable at this age to be having lip to skin contact from outside members of the household. Cold sores can kill. Colds are going around plus Covid, I’m sure this will wear off but for now message what you want. I said NO visits for 2 weeks and if your invited your welcome but do not turn up and I maybe between feeds, sleeping or resting a will not be opening the door so save yourself a journey! It’s too much you need your bubble and to get some sort of routine! Baby doesn’t gain from being passed around. My MIL pulled faces and made comments BUT my DH was good and understood it wasn’t worth my stress. Even now mine are 9&10 MIL comes over 1 every few months wants to take them MCDS then promises them fun days out comes home and comments to DH he shuts her down straight away now. Before he would say yeah maybe… but now it’s a firm NO.

Be thankful your MiL is interested lots are not. You sound a bit precious “my baby” surely it’s also your husbands baby and he must want to share that joy with his mother but you obviously don’t want him too or share the joy of a new baby. Ask yourself what are your real motives here OP ? Please know a baby is a joy to everyone in a family your MiL is excited & you can never have enough people who genuinely love your baby, your very lucky she wants to bond with her grandchild. Maybe this is about something else, how was your relationship before baby?

Ignore this !!!

Poor you, hospitals need to get stricter about no visitors other than the other parent when you’ve had a rough delivery. Your DP needed to be very firm with them on boundaries from the start. However it is common for fathers not to realise that is now part of their role. I remember my DP taking me back home after delivery and an extended stay and halfway home he started to worrying my sister and her feral children would be stuck outside waiting for us as discharge had taken longer than he expected. I turned to him in horror, I was looking forward to getting back to my bed and a bath. She absolutely should have known better though.

Believe me though it is good they are interested and you will be glad of that if you can get better boundaries in place. Is your DP used to going along with what they want?

Both of you are going to have to agree approach and be consistent. If you feel it’s time for them to go when you’re about to start feeding, say something like I’m just going off to feed baby so I’ll say goodbye now as you’ll be gone when we’ve finished. Be pleasant and polite but firm. Ensure your partner knows he has to discreetly but firmly ensure they have left by the time you’ve finished feeding by pointing out visions are tiring you and baby out. Work through all the tricky scenarios and agree simple firm approach. But he needs to support and be consistent.

Utter tripe!!

Absolute nonsense!

Her husband didn’t grow a baby nor did he go through the pain and worry of labour . OP’s feelings trump his .

I’m quite a strong person but when I had my first child I was tearful and hormonal and all the other stuff that comes with being a first time Mum
My PIL sound similar to yours so I really do understand how they’re making you feel. From someone who didn’t put boundaries in place early on, please do.
Speak to your OH and tell him how you’re feeling, tell him he needs to be more firm with his parents.
The pram I’d tell them to keep at their house or return it. I’m sure, even if they did it with the best of intentions, they will understand. If they don’t, tough.
Grandparents play a lovely role in children’s lives, but not by making you feel like they’re taking over. Tell them no to coming over unless it suits you, get a ring doorbell. You don’t need to be unpleasant, but you do need to be firm (not always easy when you’re feeling emotional).
As pp said send a message out ref no uninvited / unannounced visitors, and no kissing due to colds /germs etc etc. Good friends and family will understand, some may be a little disappointed if they expected long early visits, but that’s their issue, not yours.

I’d hate this! Your DH should be more respectful of your health and boundaries and have a strong word with his parents. If that means they get upset, so be it, because currently you’re upset and you come first at the moment

You’ve had a tough labour and sound vulnerable to post natal depression . Maybe if they just turn up go to your bedroom and take the baby with you , tell them you both need to rest . They will soon get the message , your husband needs to speak out too if they are coming around too often . They sound delighted about the baby but insensitive to your needs . Hope things improve x

I know someone who had a really rough birth and simply didn't want to see anyone for 3 weeks.
Both families were so respectful, both full of worry for her.
They sent best wishes via her husband, left endless food and gave her the space to process it all.
She was fine and moved forward.
A woman's birth is an intensely private experience.
Many really to not want to be around people or absolutely only those they truly feel safe with.
I cannot fathom anyone not being respectful of that, most particularly a partner not enforcing it.

Read 'Toxic inlaws' (available on audio book) by Susan Forward. I was you thirty years ago and wish to fuck I'd established stronger boundaries. I was naive and young when we married and had never met anyone like my PIL.
I am projecting (doesn't make it not applicable, though). My DH never could stand up to his DM. I was very LC and DC were never as close as a result.
She was the classic MN MIL. The moment she thought anything undermined her as the all powerful matriarch of her family she'd manipulate the situation to get her way. You wouldn't believe some of the batshit things she did over the years, including once cancelling my annual family holiday by pretending to be me because she wasn't invited. That's one of the tamer stories.
No one ever stood up to her, even the weddings of niece's became all about her, including sitting on the top table. It was astounding. She tried to pull it with DS's wedding, threatening not to attend if certain people weren't invited, distant relatives DS didn't know. I thought she was goint to melt when he said he'd miss her, but that was her decision. Cue machinations and back-tracking, not a chance she'd have missed his wedding, although she did manage to turn up half an hour late, unknown to her we knew she'd pull that one, she has form. She arrived just before the bride.
Unless you get tough with DH (if he isn't prepared to side with your reasonable requests now, I'd seriously consider leaving), be prepared that she will get worse. However, if you split he'll go running back to her and your DC will be around her up to 50% of the time without you being able to control the situation.
Don't be me...

@NewMum1989 first, use and enjoy the other pram. If they comment, tell them the new one doesn’t fit your car but the other has sentimental value and you won’t be changing.

As for the rest of it - you do you. Stand up for yourself politely but firmly. Tell your DH what you’re going to do and that you expect his support. His primary responsibility as an adult is to you, baby and himself, not his parents.

You really are going to need to toughen up and fight back. Stop being so passive. Your MIL and your dopey partner are behaving like this because you let them. I’m not victim blaming so don’t think that - you are a reasonable person trying to wrestle with the unreasonable. As from tomorrow, your front door stays shut to visitors. Chuck the unwanted pram out and use the one you want to use. No one will self combust if you place firm boundaries. Think of your future. Is this how you want to live?

Your husband should be having these conversations about boundaries. I can't believe he allowed them to visit the hospital when you were struggling so much, and he wasn't able to kick them out of the house. He needs to step up and address it asap or his parents will never learn.

Adding to my previous comment: 100% use your sisters pram. Send theirs back to them with a polite note that thank you for the gift but we already have one, it will help set the tone and establish your boundaries.

And congratulations on your baby, you really are in the thick of it now with postpartum hormones and no sleep but I hope DH gets his arse in gear and puts his parents in their place.

DH Tell Them two set days they can visit ie midweek afternoon for lunch and a weekend lunchtime or morning/brunch.

Take baby for a walk out in pram with them and stop for coffee so it's enjoyable
Reregister with the name you prefer if you were steamrolled into it just make the other one her middle name
Drop the perfume thing that is just your hormones I'm afraid as I've been through that before lol
I enjoyed going into a separate room or bedroom upstairs to breastfeed as I had time away from in laws... and I had great ones!
You had a tricky birth and feel vulnerable it's normal and natural but some things you can relent on and some things you can push your boundaries on. Start as u mean to go on
Get dh to read raised by narcissists sub reddit and out of the fog website
If he is overly defensive threaten with family therapy
Don't be afraid of a row. It's better than crying alone in the shower while dh continues as oblivious and enabling idiot

Baby will be tiny for ages you will enjoy every single stage and nothing has been ruined, they're healthy and you're a little family xxx

Try and let some things go but come down hard on scheduling them to set days and times as of course you need to allocate time to your own family and friends and baby groups! If they moan or try to blackmail then DH needs to reply "that's not fair, mum, we'd love to see you but need to schedule it so we can honour our commitments to friends and family who are all also so excited to meet baby. Looking forward to lunch on Sunday shall we do a walk." And then ignore or block if she goes on.

DH needs to tell her you're happy with the pram you have but will prefer to keep that travel system at her house so when you get to the stage of popping over little and often it's nice and easy - lie
Alternatively put it in the shed or garage and just use as a local run around pram
Keep the other in your car boot
They don't need to know the ins and outs x

I think you’re being over sensitive, they sound like besotted grandparents and in time you may be very grateful for their enthusiasm. My in-laws couldn’t give two shit when my kids were born.

Having said that you need to speak up.

Oh you poor thing. Please get your husband to cancel his parents for tomorrow as you're too exhausted and announce new rules

1. Privacy when breastfeeding, I don't feel comfortable being watched.
2. No perfume when visiting, too strong for baby
3. No picking up baby when asleep or without asking me his mum first
4. No kissing baby on Facebook or head.
5. Visit time maximum one hour you need time to bond with baby you've been more than generous with your time (once a week visit?)
6. No buying large gifts without speaking to you first, you'll have to decide whether to give the pram back or to sell it and use money with their blessing but you're not keeping it.

Say it all at once and get it over with.
If they don't like it they don't have to visit at all.
Remember you don't need them, but they want access and control over you, but you don't need to open the door or answer the phone to them. You really do have the upper hand, what's the worst that can happen? They shout a bit or don't speak to you?
Have a heart to heart with your husband and then make your rules and stick to them. You would not put up with it if it were a distant relative or a neighbour. Sorry no it's not convenient see you in 2 weeks. So do the same here, it's your time.
Get your husband to look at FOG: fear obligation and guilt.
Sending you lots of hugs. Be brave, it will get better.