Really bad anxiety when me and my husband sleep in the same bed - would you be honest?

[Biosblbay]

So my husband snores very badly, which then disturbs my sleep, he also occasionally goes on his phone at night which irritates me if I can hear what he watches and then the light of his phone keeps me awake (I am a VERY light sleeper). I do not cope well when I haven’t had much sleep at all, it makes my anxiety worse, causes panic attacks and just a miserable person if I haven’t had a good night sleep. I have two young children as well (ages 3 and a baby 6 months old) so sleep is very important at the minute. He also fidgets an awful lot and can occasionally make me really hot. When he sleeps separately in our spare bedroom I end up having a a much better sleep and so do not get any anxiety of the constant worry of how my sleep is going to be. Of course I occasionally get woken up by my baby but I can deal with that, but when it’s my husband I want to just kick him out and tell him to get out. But here is an example, I know he will be sleeping in our bed tonight as he told me he wants to sleep with me (we have slept separately for the past week so I think he misses me) and I totally get that, but it makes my anxiety quite bad because I just know I’m not going to get a good night sleep as he is going to keep me awake. He never used to snore, but since gaining approx 5 stone I believe this is what is causing his snoring to be so bad. He also smokes and is a mouth breather so it’s double whammy!

Do you think a married couple sleeping separately is bad and can it kill a relationship? I really want to explain to him how it’s affecting me and that I fear going to bed with him. I feel awful and just have no idea how to address this. I don’t want him to feel like I am intentionally pushing him away. I haven’t been 100% honest with him and how I feel and not sure if I should or not as I don’t want to hurt his feelings.

Bless your little cotton socks

Sleeping separately is normal. Long-term couples choose sleep over performative togetherness. Anyone who thinks sharing a bed is mandatory clearly hasn’t been married long enough.

God how I love sleeping alone.

Sleep is soo important, ppl not made to share a bed, I cd not without being awake all night. Doesn't mean don't want cuddles or not love partner, far from it.

And the current situation doesn’t?

As someone else said sleeping in separate beds doesn’t kill a relationship but lack of intimacy can. I’m 46 and dh is 55 we have had separate beds/rooms for about 3 years now! It first started when my daughter had sleep anxiety so I started sleeping with her and then we (me and dh) realised how often we wake each other up during the night. Now my daughter sleeps alone i sleep in the spare bedroom and I love it, we still have sex and are still very much in love but we do not sleep well together!

I really value sleep and have my own room. We go to bed at night in the same bed and I’ll sometimes fall asleep there. At some point I wake up feeling too hot and move to my own room. Often I can’t fall asleep there to begin with so move to my own room. It’s not ideal but I’m a light sleeper and the sleep noises he makes really irritate me. He was a bit sad about it initially but not anymore. We both know how important it is to get good sleep.

Can’t you wait until he falls asleep and go in the spare room.

I am the same op, cannot sleep in the same bed or room as DH due to his snoring.

We didn't have a spare room and dh couldn't fit well enough on the sofa so I slept on the sofa until the first DC moved out and I could sleep in their bed.
DCs have both moved back at different times and I have to go back to the sofa but I don't care, it is so much better than the alternative.

I get to sleep properly which has greatly improved my quality of life.

We are still a couple, we share the bed for sex just as we did before.
If anything I do not have seething resentment towards him anymore so our relationship is probably even better.

For holidays we always get a two bed Airbnb.

Me and my partner (36 and 39) sleep seperately lol. He snores and I move around a lot as have some health issues. Its so much better. We are very close, we still have sex etc, we just sleep seperate. He comes and visits my bed haha.

My husbands snoring is of the scale and so we start off in the same bed, laugh talk and be intimate. Once he falls asleep i go to the spare room and have a blissful nights sleep. Happy wife happy life!

We went on holiday for 3 weeks in the summer and did the whole trip with individual beds 🤣 I can assure you we still got down to business I just can't share a bed anymore!

Separate beds here in the week as snoring would keep me awake and he gets up much earlier than me which would result in me not being able to get back to sleep.

I love the bed to myself.

You don’t mention if you use ear plugs, an eye mask or a snoozeband? I would suggest trying those. Also compromise- can he not go on your phone whilst he’s asleep. Can he see a GP about his snoring?
Doing the above is both of you trying to make this work. I’d try all those things first before giving up and sleeping separately.
I couldn’t imagine a long term plan to not sleep in bed with my partner. He doesn’t snore but he does watch videos on his phone (ASMR type) to help drift off to sleep. I wear ear plugs and an eye mask so it doesn’t affect me. When our baby was 0-4months old we slept separately/in shifts, and even though it was necessary at the time, I hated it, and was SO glad when the baby started sleeping through and we went back to sharing a bed.

Me and husband have seperate rooms,sex life non existent but we love and care for each other. It really doesn’t matter as long as it works for us.

I don't get the issue with separate rooms, particularly with a baby. We have a baby and 3yo DC - we sleep in separate rooms to maximise sleep. We still have a healthy sex life, but we both get more sleep, which is important to both of us right now!

Just keep rooms separate until the kids are older and sleeping through. You can still have sex etc

We sleep separately and it’s not done any harm to our relationship. In fact we argue less and got married since we started sleeping separately. We do kiss and hug a lot though. Sex is a bit more sparse but that’s because we have a pre teen who doesn’t like to go to bed!

Personally separate beds is a hard no for us but I sleep like the dead and he’s just happy to be there despite my snoring.

If I was you I’d tell him how you feel and say look if you want to sleep in bed with me you need to sort the snoring out and you will not be going on your phone in the night. Phone in the night is horrific sleep hygiene anyway (I’m on my phone in bed now so I’m being a total hypocrite). As for you, maybe try earplugs and a sleep mask? Sleep mask was a game changer for DH after he got over the fact it looks kind of silly.

If you do have to sleep separately it’s not the end of the world, but you will have to make more of an effort to be physically intimate (not just sex but cuddles and physical contact).

He sounds like an utterly selfish pig. How dare he prod you awake when he snores himself - unless you both did this. Getting into bed late and setting his alarm several times before he has to get up two HOURS before you is the height of selfishness. What an unpleasant arsehole.

My husband slept in the spare room for the first 6 months with each of our 3 babies he has a very dangerous physical job there was no need for us both to be up. He would come in to our room we’d watch an episode of something and have a cuddle then he’d go . It was a nice compromise

The separate beds thing can be the begining of the end for a lot of couples but it doesn’t have to be as long as you make time for each other elsewhere. I don’t function without sleep. If my partner was the root cause of this it would affect my marriage so much more than separate beds.

I’d get him to the GP re the sleep for his own medical benefit. I know someone who in there late 40s suffered terribly with depression, reduced cognition and heart issues and his GP suggested that most of it could have been avoided if he’d got treatment for sleep apnea sooner. His wife had been on about his snooring for years but both just put up with it. He was an incredibly clever man but he spent got signed off work and spent 2 years on the sofa before they figured out the route cause. It’s only with CPAP that he’s now regaining some motivation and the ability to function but he’ll never get back everything he lost.

He needs to cut carbs. His snoring disappear overnight

More to the point, if my partner was selfish enough to be listening to his phone loudly in the middle of the night, that would kill the relationship ! Why does he even think this is ok ?

He needs to sort out the snoring by going to the GP and taking steps to lose weight. He needs to take some responsibility as he is negatively affecting your mental health,OP.

So I’d apply a few conditions to him being allowed to sleep in the same room as you. Your health matters.

DH and I have slept separately for 5 years. I'm peri-menopausal with "delicate" sleep and he snores. It hasn't killed our marriage.

Our cleaner said that lots of couples she cleans for sleep separately.

Personally, shoe on the other foot if dh told me he sleeps better without me I’d be pretty upset!! Saying that if his phone wakes you up he shouldn’t be on it. I think you should talk it out but I’m not sure ‘you being in our bed makes me anxious’ is a great way to go!!