Really bad anxiety when me and my husband sleep in the same bed - would you be honest?

[Biosblbay]

So my husband snores very badly, which then disturbs my sleep, he also occasionally goes on his phone at night which irritates me if I can hear what he watches and then the light of his phone keeps me awake (I am a VERY light sleeper). I do not cope well when I haven’t had much sleep at all, it makes my anxiety worse, causes panic attacks and just a miserable person if I haven’t had a good night sleep. I have two young children as well (ages 3 and a baby 6 months old) so sleep is very important at the minute. He also fidgets an awful lot and can occasionally make me really hot. When he sleeps separately in our spare bedroom I end up having a a much better sleep and so do not get any anxiety of the constant worry of how my sleep is going to be. Of course I occasionally get woken up by my baby but I can deal with that, but when it’s my husband I want to just kick him out and tell him to get out. But here is an example, I know he will be sleeping in our bed tonight as he told me he wants to sleep with me (we have slept separately for the past week so I think he misses me) and I totally get that, but it makes my anxiety quite bad because I just know I’m not going to get a good night sleep as he is going to keep me awake. He never used to snore, but since gaining approx 5 stone I believe this is what is causing his snoring to be so bad. He also smokes and is a mouth breather so it’s double whammy!

Do you think a married couple sleeping separately is bad and can it kill a relationship? I really want to explain to him how it’s affecting me and that I fear going to bed with him. I feel awful and just have no idea how to address this. I don’t want him to feel like I am intentionally pushing him away. I haven’t been 100% honest with him and how I feel and not sure if I should or not as I don’t want to hurt his feelings.

That's what I was going to suggest. Spend the first bit together then head to the spare room before you drop off @Biosblbay. Obviously let him know in advance but snoring is so hard to deal with. My dh does it except on his side so I have to shove him over. Drives me up the wall

People you know? Or you? I think sleeping and relationships can't really be known by anyone from outside unless they share. So the fact that lots of people here are telling you they sleep separately and still have a functioning loving healthy marriage may mean you might reassess your confidence in this position. Maybe it didn't work for you?

We sleep separately, it’s fine. We both get better sleep and it hasn’t impacted intimacy. Sleep deprivation and resentment did though!

He needs to try some solutions for snoring, and no phone overnight. I don’t see any issue with separate beds, my DH and I often sleep apart. We get on much better when we both have good sleep. You can still have connection and intimacy but I really don’t think it matters where you sleep

If he can't stay off his phone so he doesn't disturb you he is being very very selfish

We’ve always had separate beds and we have a great relationship. Probably as we are both getting enough quality sleep. It’s perfectly possible to do this and your relationship be fine

I have to say after several years single, the thought of having to share a bed again is one of the main things that puts me off ever being in another relationship.
I’ve never liked sharing a bed and after years of living alone spreading out across my lovely kingsize, I’d find it a nightmare to have a snoring twitching bloke in there.

I don’t think you’re anxious, I think you’re angry. And I’m not surprised.

Sleep in separate rooms. Make it as sexy as you need to - ‘your place or mine?’ and really think about when you are going to seduce each other and how that’s going to work. Invite him in with pics of yourself etc. But for Gods sake, get a decent nights sleep. Sleeping separately says nothing bad about your relationship, it says that you respect each other enough that your needs can be met within the relationship.

I don't know why posters think that describing their own idyllic relationship is any help to an OP who is clearly struggling with theirs.

My DH was diagnosed with sleep apnoea in 2025. The disturbed nights before diagnosis did have me sleeping on the sofa, uncomfortable but better than a cell bed!

GP for him and compromise on how often you sleep separately vs together. You need your sleep but he needs you by the sound of things. He needs to go some distance towards making it better for you.

Who cares if men don't like it. Women are not teddy bears. They need sleep

We're teddy bears with a hole apparently. If we don't teddy bear he'll go off and find another teddy bear with a hole.

Makes me wonder just how many men are on here.

Agree.

Needing someone in a relationship doesn’t override their needs though. Not just for sleep but the ability to look ahead in the day and to know you’re going to be able to sleep that night. We all know what it’s like in those awful childrearing patches where the baby or the toddler is not going to let you sleep; the anticipation and the exhaustion combined are incredibly destructive to wellbeing. How could a loving partner want that for their beloved? Why are people so obsessed with sleeping in the same room even if it’s actively damaging?

Can you have seperate rooms but then sometimes sleep together for a cuddle or for sex but without any expectation to spend the whole night together.
Tell him that you love him but the snoring and sleep disturbance is becoming a big problem and you think your own room will be much better for your marriage

Posters who say they sleep separately and it doesn’t impact their intimacy - how does this work? Do you always start the night in the same bed and then one of you departs? Or do you mutually decide if you are going to have sex before you go to bed? I know you don’t have to be in a bed at night time to have sex but that is when opportunity arises for most people so I’d have thought not sharing a bed reduces that opportunity. I’m curious as to how you maintain it!

@LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta “who cares if men don’t like it” is incredibly short sighted. I’ve read countless threads on here where women are devastated when their husband leaves and it turns out they haven’t been sharing a bed, haven’t been having sex, have been concerned only with the children etc and expect their “partner” to just suck it up for years on end. Part of being married is making the effort for each other and looking for a compromise when your needs conflict, not just blindly dismissing each other.

@brightbevs several people have said exactly how it works for them - starting bedtime together and then yes, sleeping apart, or sometimes what I’ve done is turn up in the morning from my bed and seduce dp.

She’s not sleeping. That’s not ok.

Laughing at the comments about ‘lack of intimacy can kill relationships’. What kills relationships is a fat, snory selfish man ignoring his wife’s mental health because he wants intimacy!

separate rooms until he tackles his snoring, his weight and stops going on his bloody phone. The kids are both of your responsibilities by the way.

Honestly I think being five stone overweight, a smoker and a loud snorer is also something that will kill a marriage. Especially when you’ve got young kids in the mix.

Agree
Plus its far more romantic not listening to snoring and farts 😅

Do his five stone weight gain and his smoking also contribute to your reluctance to share a bed with him? I would imagine that these things would make him less attractive to you, as well as the fact that they are causing him to snore so loudly and constantly.

I slept in separate bed to DH for almost 3yrs because of similar issues to those you describe OP. It caused me to have insomnia terribly due to stress of me thinking I'll not be able to sleep, which then caused me not to relax and be able to sleep. Vicious cycle!

Anyway, separate beds worked fine for us. Our relationship was fine during this time - I'd say it wasn't quite as nice as rolling over and having a cuddle mid-night but it wasn't bad at all! Importantly, it meant I could totally stop fixating on my sleep and insomnia went away after a month or so. We naturally ended up going back to sleeping in the same bed and now its fine. DH has lost some weight so snoring much less of an issue now, plus our kids are much older so we don't also have the stress of potential night wakings from the kids!

ETA - We would usually start in bed together each night to chill, watch TV, snuggle, have sex...but then one of us would leave to go to the spare bed once it was clear we were both ready to sleep.

Sleeping separately definitely doesn’t kill a relationship - but it you continue as you are that potentially could.
If you have young children it is even harder to cope with poor sleep - that’s when we started sleeping separately as we were in the same situation with DH’s awful snoring.
8 years on we’re still going strong.
I believe sleep is a priority you shouldn’t compromise on.