Really bad anxiety when me and my husband sleep in the same bed - would you be honest?

[Biosblbay]

So my husband snores very badly, which then disturbs my sleep, he also occasionally goes on his phone at night which irritates me if I can hear what he watches and then the light of his phone keeps me awake (I am a VERY light sleeper). I do not cope well when I haven’t had much sleep at all, it makes my anxiety worse, causes panic attacks and just a miserable person if I haven’t had a good night sleep. I have two young children as well (ages 3 and a baby 6 months old) so sleep is very important at the minute. He also fidgets an awful lot and can occasionally make me really hot. When he sleeps separately in our spare bedroom I end up having a a much better sleep and so do not get any anxiety of the constant worry of how my sleep is going to be. Of course I occasionally get woken up by my baby but I can deal with that, but when it’s my husband I want to just kick him out and tell him to get out. But here is an example, I know he will be sleeping in our bed tonight as he told me he wants to sleep with me (we have slept separately for the past week so I think he misses me) and I totally get that, but it makes my anxiety quite bad because I just know I’m not going to get a good night sleep as he is going to keep me awake. He never used to snore, but since gaining approx 5 stone I believe this is what is causing his snoring to be so bad. He also smokes and is a mouth breather so it’s double whammy!

Do you think a married couple sleeping separately is bad and can it kill a relationship? I really want to explain to him how it’s affecting me and that I fear going to bed with him. I feel awful and just have no idea how to address this. I don’t want him to feel like I am intentionally pushing him away. I haven’t been 100% honest with him and how I feel and not sure if I should or not as I don’t want to hurt his feelings.

Yeah and then for example you can't go on holiday with him. It's really depressing. Better to find a way to sort the problem (ear plugs, sleep apnea checks etc)

No it isn't.

I find it amusing you're taking people's actual experiences and saying they're wrong.

Bless you.

I know a lot of people are in denial. It is a cold relationship that I am sure can be endured for practical benefit but it absolutely kills affection (and I think men hate it on the whole).

You know sharing a bed was invented back in the days of pure poverty. When families shared a bed to keep warm.

It's a sign of being poor.

Then it stuck. It's funny really.

What kind of intimacy are you having whilst asleep??
I’ll tell you what kills intimacy- being so tried you could cry, bring so tired that you fantasise about putting a pillow over your husbands face. Being so tired the idea of another person touching you makes you want to scream.

We’ve slept separately for 10 years and if we didn’t we would have divorced by now

I think getting no sleep because your partner is snoring like a walrus whilst you arent getting a wink of sleep with kill a marriage much quicker.

In your opinion. Luckily others have different more positive experiences of having separate beds.

It's improved our relationship. We are both much happier because we get a solid night's sleep. Because of this we communicate better, we're not snapping at each other, have more energy for each other and it's improved intimacy. It's just a bed.

Me and my husband have slept separately since I was heavily pregnant with my oldest who’s nearly 8. We share a bed when we go away but I’m ready for the no sleep and equipped with ear plugs and white noise to block out the sound of his horrendous snoring. I think it works for us because I am such a light sleeper and cannot function without it. I love him very much but I absolutely do not love his snoring or phone habits. He likes the tv on as well to sleep and I like dark and quiet. Works for us but depends on your relationship

edited to add it doesn’t disrupt intimacy either

Oh for goodness sake what a dramatic response! Plenty of couples sleep in separate beds and guess what,they stay together.

Sleeping in the same bed when one partner is not getting enough sleep,is more than enough to split them up.

You need a decent pair of ear plugs and a silk eye mask at the very least

I totally disagree. DH don't share a bed every night due to me being a light sleeper and his snoring. We still have wonderful sex, we sit and hold hands on the sofa every night, we hug. I tend to get in bed with him around 6am and have an hour next to him. There is no lack of intimacy for me.

Works for us, very happy and very loving relationship. I love the bed to myself.

Sleeping in separate beds for the past 12 years definitely saved our marriage! I sleep in the double and every so often DH or one of the kids does come sleep in there, but for the most part I sleep alone. Prior to that, I was so, so tired due to being kept awake by DH's snoring that we were constantly at each other's throats. My mental health became so unstable that my GP referred me to a psychiatrist, believing that I had a personality disorder! I was constantly on edge, couldn't cope with normal life stress, and started self harming as a way to cope. But it was all "just" sleep deprivation. There's a reason it's used as a form of torture!
Our marriage is far healthier sleeping in separate beds.
And to those saying it "kills intimacy", you do realise you can have sex other places than in the bed, and other times than at night, right?

I mostly sleep in a separate room to my husband because basically we both sleep better that way. We have a brilliant (and intimate!) relationship and actually it's probably better than if we weren't well rested.

So do not assume it would be a problem. But honesty is absolutely key.

You have to do what is best for you right now. I tend to feel the same way .. so we have the spare room ready. We start the night in our room and if I don’t fall asleep easily or he wakes me up with snoring I go through to the spare room and sleep in there. Is the reason you don’t do this because the baby is in the room with you? When we were in that situation I would (nicely) kick my husband out of our bed and into the spare room.

I always go to bed with DH but at the first hint of being irritated by him, snoring mainly, I bail out and head off to the spare room.

Sleeping is something we need to do to recharge our batteries and brains. You don’t NEED to do that next to someone to make that someone special.

DH is a nighttime nightmare! Restless legs, snoring, pees 4 times a night and gets up for work at 6am. He likes a roasting duvet and I have a sheet.

we’ve not slept in the same bed for years and we are both much nicer to each other for this arrangement. Resentment has dropped. Resentment kills relationships.

we still have a tea in the morning in the same bed, have sex as we wish (that’s not limited to beds or bedtime!) and are affectionate and loving.

DH works nights. He also snores really badly. On the nights he's not working, his sleep pattern is disrupted anyway so he comes to bed at random times, or gets up at random times. I sleep very lightly and cannot sleep through his snoring, and I also work so need a decent night's sleep to be able to function. If I go to bed at 10pm and then he comes to bed at 1am, that's it, I'm awake all night. So we sleep separately. I cope on holiday with twin beds, earplugs, an eye mask (because he goes on his phone at random times in the night) and am going to try giving him melatonin next time which we bought in the States last year, in the hopes he might sleep through.

We've been married happily, with plenty of intimacy thank you, for 25 years.

I slept happily with my dh for 25 years until menopause and him snorIng and fidgeting. I miss him of course but I would miss my sleep more 😂

Totally this. I split from a partner because he was a horrendous snorer and I didn’t want to hurt his feelings and tolerated the lack of sleep the times we were together. One night I’d had quite a bit to drink and he woke me up each time I started snoring. I couldn’t believe what I put up with after 2 years of earplugs and hiding them so he didn’t feel conscious. We had a conversation and I casually asked if any previous partners had mentioned his snoring and he said yes and that why they were ex partners. I couldn’t live my life like that anymore. It made me resent him and lack of sleep made me miserable. Snorers that expect you to share a bed are selfish imho.

If he wants to sleep in the same bed he needs to go to rhe gp and sort out the snoring and stop fucking about on his phone.

I have a 3 and 1 yr old.
When I met my dh I was like you snore you need to see a gp or we cant keep dating / sleep in the same room .
He has a nasal spray now and life is better

Id sleep better in a separate room, and have done before, just not enough space now! Didn't impact intimacy (we had 3 kids in that time!!) Sleep is so important. And whatever nonsense someone is trotting about honesty etc is ridiculous, if someone wants to hide a phone or whatever they will find a way

Ask yourself can I deal with b him in my bed. Or would I prefer him in another womans bed ? Which is the best option