Son is breaking my heart. AIBU to make him move out

[Sheshell]

I was married for 30 years to a man i truly loved but who became abusive 15 years in. It became so toxic that I was totally isolated, could not go anywhere without a child with me to prove I wasn't haven't sex with someone at the shops, couldn't put the washing out to prove I wasn't jumping the fence to have sex with someone. Couldn't make any effort with myself, even brush my hair or wash too often because this was all usedas evidence of affairs. Eventually I had a breakdown and lost a couple of years of memories with my babies because I functioned on automatic. Then my partner got seriously ill. I nursed him for a year whilst still being abused. Even ambulance people would pull me aside and ask if this was a DV situation and was I ok? I stayed because he was dying. Then he died and love, relief, sadness, confusion, anger, grief all mixed up. My adult son moved back during the illness. Not to help but because he had a breakup. He didn't help with care if the house hold. This was meant to be short term. 3 months max. Then he's dad died and this timetable went out the window.
Slowly I clawed my way back to an identity. Supported my kids in their grief.
3 years later, after 2 years of counselling and a life changing trip and massive support from my extended family I am loving myself, making my own decisions and finally realising I have a future.
Recently and quite by accident I met a man who I have a lot in common with. We talk for hours about history, books, architecture and we're starting to have feelings for each other. My son can't accept this. I've been totally honest with the kids as this has progressed. He says it proves I am the whore my husband thought I was. He called me a tramp when I went out for dinner. He's left dog poo on my stairs, spills coffee on the floor on purpose when I've just cleaned it, refuses to put his stuff away and it's just everywhere. This morning I found he had tried to give my dog chillies in the night after I told him they made him very ill before. I love my son but I am now getting the same anxiety and feelings that his dad gave me. I am scared to fo certain things again. I have asked several times to talk it out but everytime I'm told to go away. I can't cope. I need him to move out. Am I being unreasonable,? I know he's in pain for a father that bullied him and I don't know where he'll go because he cant afford to move out. This time I need to protect myself. Its not about the man I've met. That is cery early days. Am I right choosing not to die inside again. Am I right choosing me?

I've already done all this. I've apologised for me being 'absent' during the breakdown. I've acknowledged I should have left. I've offered help. Told him I love him no matter what but it has to stop.
It's changed nothing.

He is a grown man and needs to be treated as such. Who cares if he feels resentful? He is a dangerous, violent little shit and needs to be escorted out of your home with the help of the police OP. Do not accept being abused by a second generation of your family-going through it once was enough.

It’s interesting that the OP’s other children haven’t reacted like this isn’t it? Almost as if this is less about childhood trauma and more about abusive, misogynistic male entitlement…

OP’s son is abusive. No legitimate counsellor would advocate a victim engage in counselling with their abuser. He needs to leave.

Kick him out. Otherwise you will be subjecting your other children to another X number of years of abuse at the hands of another misogynistic arsehole.

Learnt behaviour from his Dad most likely. You're entitled to a life. He is not entitled to treat you this way. While I'm against anyone kids being kicked out, you should ask him to go and stay somewhere else temporarily while he works out his feelings. Does he have any mental health issues? Or learning disabilities?

Please get him out today, i think you may need to involve the police or at the very least have a couple of male relatives in the house when you tell him to go. Before he goes change the locks and all passwords, block his number for a month. Give him money for one night in a hotel and 10 minutes to pack a bag. Tell him he can collect his belongings from a certain public car park at this time on that date.
Do not allow this arrogant nasty man ruin what is left of your life.

He sounds like a very troubled young man which is not surprising given his childhood. However, this is not your fault but his father's. He also sounds quite unhinged and dangerous. You need to get him away from you as soon as possible.

If he wont go call the police and let them know what he's done. If he wont voluntarily get counseling maybe the justice system will be your last resort. Letting him get away with it isn't just causing you future pain but also putting any future partner and children he has at risk. Why did his last relationship end?

Get him out today.

Your ex never learnt and he won't either unless you show him it doesn't wash. He needs to learn ASAP, not just for your sake but for him and his potential kids sake.

Why did you tell him about this new man? Given the back story do not tell or share with your kids about any romances!.

You need to ask him to leave for your own safety and health.

Give him some notice to find somewhere to live but be very clear about the leaving date.

OP, you need to prioritise your safety here, he has already demonstrated cruelty towards animals, I would speak to Women's Aid and the police for their advice before telling him he's out, I'm really concerned he could violently attack you.

He's an adult, he can either break a cycle or perpetuate it, and he has chosen to be the rotten apple that has fallen off the dead tree.

Boot him out now. He's an abusive cunt just like your vile ex. Change the locks and tell him if he tries to come back you'll call the police.

You deserve to be free of all abusive men. So what if he's your son. He's scum and doesn't deserve shelter and support from you.

In fact you should tell the police he's doing DA anyway. You wouldn't want him doing it to his partner would you? Then if they do a Clare's law it will show his true colours.

Op I fostered troubled teenage boys for many years. I feel for you. I can tell you from my experience that every single boy who displayed aggression towards any of my animals went on to commit violent crimes against people I don’t think you can safely keep him at home, things will escalate. I know it’s far from easy but I imagine your grief now will be more than what it will be when he’s living elsewhere.

He has turned into his dad and thinks you and your house are now his property. I would call the police and explain the situation past and present, and move him out

A lot of people not understanding the absolute carnage of a childhood in an abusive household. He is being horrific, yes, because he has been damaged by years and years of exposure to extreme misogynistic abuse. And then grief got thrown in the mix.

He is lashing out at the one person who he knows will love him no matter what, because he is full of rage, frustration and anger for his life experience so far. He is displaying learned behaviour from the person who was meant to be his role model and somewhere in there is still the kid that can't understand why his mum didn't leave. I am NOT blaming OP - I am all too familiar with the dynamics to do that - but it doesn't change his lived experience.

I am NOT saying that makes his behaviour ok, but fuck me, I have seen what an abusive home does to a kid and it's ugly. He needs help and for someone to acknowledge what he has been through.

As a young adult, he now needs to take responsibility for his behaviour but that can't happen until he can reconcile what he has lived through and if he feels rage towards his mum for not leaving, that needs to be talked about. An ultimatum of therapy or leave seems completely reasonable to me, but people just writing him off as awful are basically ignoring the fact that it was adults that created the person he is today - he had no say in the matter. Some kids cope and come out decent people, others are far more damaged. He needs firm boundaries, of course, but he desperately needs help.

We don't know that though as they have left home. OP may not know what goes on in their houses. They may still be single. Any daughters should probably get some counseling to so they know not to allow themselves to be abused.

Get him out. If he’s not paying his way, and the house is in your name, tell him you want him to leave and give him a date. Then call the police when he doesn’t go.

No learning difficulties or anything like this.

You can ask a neighbour, or a friend's partner. Calling the police won't help her if he turns violent in the moment.

Get all your other kids round and say 'Listen son, your dad was a nasty bully. I stayed for 15 years too long. And I'll never live with another bully again. So you will be leaving today. Either of your own volition or, the police will escort you out. And if I have to call them I will be reporting you for attempting to poison the dog. So the choice is yours'.

As soo as he's out, get the locks changed. Have a locksmith on standby.

The OP doesn't deserve to be put in fear by another adult man who has refused therapy in the past. She does not owe him the sacrifice of her life because he has trauma.

More women were killed by their sons last year than by strangers. OP's main concern right now should be the safety of herself and her other children.

OP I hope you are ok.. I know you probably won't be but he has to go. At 24 he is a grown man and he could be married with his own kids,its time he stepped up and took responsibility. I understand where his cruelness has come from but living with you and torturing you is nt the way to help him deal with his issues. He thinks he is king and can do and treat you as he pleases show him he can't. In effect you are doing yourself no favours by allowing him to continue on this path he is on. He needs to know he is no king here he is an adult being allowed to live with his mum..with that goes respect,decency,standards and definately no free rides. He needs to learn to be the man he thinks he is and you need to thrive in your life too. However hard this is for you and however worrying it will be you will be doing him the biggest favour ever by being firmand demanding he leaves NOW.

Kick him out. He is an abusive prick.

Your son is abusive. The best thing you can do for him now is kick him out and if he refuses involve the police. You need to show him that his behaviour isn't acceptable otherwise he will never change. Even if you won't do it to protect yourself, do it to teach him its wrong and try and prevent him continuing this behaviour in future relationships where he could cause serious harm to his partner and children.