Son is breaking my heart. AIBU to make him move out

[Sheshell]

I was married for 30 years to a man i truly loved but who became abusive 15 years in. It became so toxic that I was totally isolated, could not go anywhere without a child with me to prove I wasn't haven't sex with someone at the shops, couldn't put the washing out to prove I wasn't jumping the fence to have sex with someone. Couldn't make any effort with myself, even brush my hair or wash too often because this was all usedas evidence of affairs. Eventually I had a breakdown and lost a couple of years of memories with my babies because I functioned on automatic. Then my partner got seriously ill. I nursed him for a year whilst still being abused. Even ambulance people would pull me aside and ask if this was a DV situation and was I ok? I stayed because he was dying. Then he died and love, relief, sadness, confusion, anger, grief all mixed up. My adult son moved back during the illness. Not to help but because he had a breakup. He didn't help with care if the house hold. This was meant to be short term. 3 months max. Then he's dad died and this timetable went out the window.
Slowly I clawed my way back to an identity. Supported my kids in their grief.
3 years later, after 2 years of counselling and a life changing trip and massive support from my extended family I am loving myself, making my own decisions and finally realising I have a future.
Recently and quite by accident I met a man who I have a lot in common with. We talk for hours about history, books, architecture and we're starting to have feelings for each other. My son can't accept this. I've been totally honest with the kids as this has progressed. He says it proves I am the whore my husband thought I was. He called me a tramp when I went out for dinner. He's left dog poo on my stairs, spills coffee on the floor on purpose when I've just cleaned it, refuses to put his stuff away and it's just everywhere. This morning I found he had tried to give my dog chillies in the night after I told him they made him very ill before. I love my son but I am now getting the same anxiety and feelings that his dad gave me. I am scared to fo certain things again. I have asked several times to talk it out but everytime I'm told to go away. I can't cope. I need him to move out. Am I being unreasonable,? I know he's in pain for a father that bullied him and I don't know where he'll go because he cant afford to move out. This time I need to protect myself. Its not about the man I've met. That is cery early days. Am I right choosing not to die inside again. Am I right choosing me?

Im desperately sorry for your situation and im do happy you are out and have had helpnto start to recover.
Your son is the exact reason its never, ever ok to stay in an abusive relationship.
Get him out immediately

Tell him to go. If he refuses, then involve the police. He is an abusive prick, and although his behaviour is learned from his father, it doesn't excuse him in any way at all. You deserve peace and happiness going forward.

that’s awful op.

i think i’d be speaking to him for sure with a view to turfing him out depending on a few factors. What age is he and has he got a job? Does he have any learning difficulties? has he ever had any relationships with friends or girlfriends?

Hes clearly been affected by his horrible father and it’s not entirely his fault but he also sounds jealous immature, and bitter. Not to mention a lack of empathy or understanding about relationships.

To try and kill your dog is in my opinion unforgivable.
If i had to choose i choose the dog. However i would turf him out under the guise of needing space from each other. which i think you do.

I think you need the conversation when both if you are calm about rules and boundaries.
That you will always love him but you don’t like his behaviour just now. That it’s completely unacceptable. That you understand he loved his dad but that the example that man set for how to cohabit was completely unacceptable. That his father was very jealous and suspicious for no reason and it is not a son’s business anyway. If mum or dad is having an affair it’s up to them to sort things out. That this never happened anyway so you don’t want to hear talk like that again. That you have tried to be the best mum you could be and provide stability for him in very difficult circumstances even though his father and you should have split up but it’s easy to be wise in hindsight but at least you tried and stayed to nurse him. which you didn’t have to do after he made up lies about you and was cruel to you.

That living with someone else in a house or flat share etc means you both have to respect each other, each others lives and each others things. That you will not tolerate the levels of mess and disrespect he is showing you. Nobody else would either. so for his own sake that has to change as itherwise nobody will like him. As for deliberately hurting the innocent dog, that is not acceptable either. To hurt others to get back at someone is immature. The poor dog would suffer. Causing suffering to others is wrong.

That, sadly for him, his father is no longer here and that means after years of being faithful to your husband you are now free to date whomever you want. You will not stand for being called a hoare as youve not dated anyone else while you were with his father and dating now is normal and acceptable. If he can handle that then he needs to leave. In fact, in fact a bit of space would do you both good so he should pack a bag and go to (wherever) for a few days and have a think about things.

Where could he go? Grans house? Speak to the council? Supported accommodation? Hes messed up so he undoubtedly needs counselling. But i couldn’t look at him right now after the dog thing.

I have no adult man to help. My MIL is a great help to me and supports my new relationship but she is 80 something and doesn't need the stress.

He needs to go. Today. He's a nasty, abusive bastard.

As other posters have pointed out, he's behaving like his father, but it's no excuse. The abused don't have to become the abuser.

You have endured too much already. It's time to live your own life on your terms. You deserve more than this!

Are you serious?? This has gone way past family therapy before a decision is made

He needs to leave today!

Pack his bags and get him out.
Today.

He has learned this from his father - which is absolutely NOT YOUR FAULT.

You mention the growth and accessing support and counselling for yourself, did the children access the same therapy?

He is acting out as a trauma response, doesn’t make it right and it’s very much a learnt behaviour. He has seen the father treat his mother horrifically and watched her still take care of that man - it must have been confusing and a pivotal point of brain development through his teenage years.

Sadly the situation is now in firefighting mode - he needs to know you care & love him but this won’t be achieved be copy the behaviour of the man who bullied his wife.

If you push him away it could build up resentment, but I do think it maybe your only choice :(

This. It's not your problem where he goes, let the disrespectful, nasty little knob sofa surf. You deserve to have a life now.

This. And keep records of everything and get support from the police as needed. Call Women’s Aid today OP. You’re so strong and we’re all behind you.

Pack his stuff up while he's at work, put it outside and change the locks
He will be ok

The day my son called me a whore or deliberately spread dog shit in my home all hell would have broken loose and I’d have gone totally unhinged on him.

No child who grew up in such a home escapes unscathed. No doubt he is traumatised by his childhood and he learned how to be who he is from it, so I do have a lot of compassion for the child he was and understanding for the adult he was shaped to be.

But that doesn't mean his behaviour should be tolerated. The best thing you can do is make him leave, acknowledge how awful his childhood was and urge him to get help.

You spent decades being abused by your husband, you can't allow your son to follow in his father's footsteps.

Hopefully it is not too late for him to get the help he needs to change. Hopefully he will want to!

This might be of help?

https://womensaid.org.uk/information-support/womens-aid-directory/

Your son is a psychopath. You’ve lived with one abusive man please god salvage the rest of your life!!!!!

Oh OP, I really feel for you. I hope that you’re galvanised by the support and validation on this thread and take action to get him to leave today. Dig deep and do it to protect yourself and be a great role model for your other DC. You’ve had some great advice on this thread. Take care.

Yes they have had therapy. He will not however.
His dad would never have disrespected the house or hurt the dog. Only me.

Not everyone has an available adult male to help them. Call the police if he causes trouble.

First of all, you're not going to get that money back, so don't waste any time arguing with him about that. Secondly, for his own sake you need to stand up to him and tell him to leave. It doesn't matter if he has nowhere to go to. He needs to recognise that women won't put up with that shit. I'd expect not to see him for several months, tbh, and would be glad of the reprieve.

Formally in writing ask him to leave. Sell up if you have to and downsize.

Feeding chilli to a dog could have killed him.
He can work and pay for a flat. If he threatens you call the police.

OP would not be pushing him away- thats framing it as victim blaming which is the last thing OP needs! OP is in danger, emotionally for sure and potentially worse. Should not now be expected to spend the remainder of her life fixing this- he is an adult, there are services he can access. OP can signpost him to these but absolutely should not and cannot continue being the one to suffer for it. Not all those who witness abuse turn into OPs son.

Would you other kids intervene on your behalf?

Do they know what is happening? I'd never tolerate a sibling treating my mother this way, I think this may need a group response.

As it stands it is only you trying to talk him round, and he has been conditioned to believe certain things about you so will not believe a word you say.

He'll try to guilt trip you Op when you tell him to leave but he has no legal right to live with you. Please call the police if he refuses to go

Ask him to leave immediately you don't have to put up with his abuse. We all have childhood trauma its not excuse to behave like a shitty adult. He has to take responsibility for his behaviour.

He sounds just as abusive as his father. This isn’t a child we’re talking about - this is an ADULT man. He absolutely shouldn’t be treating you like this, he needs to move out.