Son is breaking my heart. AIBU to make him move out

[Sheshell]

I was married for 30 years to a man i truly loved but who became abusive 15 years in. It became so toxic that I was totally isolated, could not go anywhere without a child with me to prove I wasn't haven't sex with someone at the shops, couldn't put the washing out to prove I wasn't jumping the fence to have sex with someone. Couldn't make any effort with myself, even brush my hair or wash too often because this was all usedas evidence of affairs. Eventually I had a breakdown and lost a couple of years of memories with my babies because I functioned on automatic. Then my partner got seriously ill. I nursed him for a year whilst still being abused. Even ambulance people would pull me aside and ask if this was a DV situation and was I ok? I stayed because he was dying. Then he died and love, relief, sadness, confusion, anger, grief all mixed up. My adult son moved back during the illness. Not to help but because he had a breakup. He didn't help with care if the house hold. This was meant to be short term. 3 months max. Then he's dad died and this timetable went out the window.
Slowly I clawed my way back to an identity. Supported my kids in their grief.
3 years later, after 2 years of counselling and a life changing trip and massive support from my extended family I am loving myself, making my own decisions and finally realising I have a future.
Recently and quite by accident I met a man who I have a lot in common with. We talk for hours about history, books, architecture and we're starting to have feelings for each other. My son can't accept this. I've been totally honest with the kids as this has progressed. He says it proves I am the whore my husband thought I was. He called me a tramp when I went out for dinner. He's left dog poo on my stairs, spills coffee on the floor on purpose when I've just cleaned it, refuses to put his stuff away and it's just everywhere. This morning I found he had tried to give my dog chillies in the night after I told him they made him very ill before. I love my son but I am now getting the same anxiety and feelings that his dad gave me. I am scared to fo certain things again. I have asked several times to talk it out but everytime I'm told to go away. I can't cope. I need him to move out. Am I being unreasonable,? I know he's in pain for a father that bullied him and I don't know where he'll go because he cant afford to move out. This time I need to protect myself. Its not about the man I've met. That is cery early days. Am I right choosing not to die inside again. Am I right choosing me?

Do you think that’s the problem here? Seriously?

Well I’m going to go out on a limb and say I’m betting they’re not smearing dog shit everywhere. For god’s sake when will people on this forum stop excusing this sort of behaviour?

Dear son,
haven't I been through enough
get your things packed by Tuesday and go
I can't apologise any more

Poor you. Poor dog. Everyone else has endorsed your need to ask him to leave your home. I hope he will go.

I just want to ask you to protect your dog and never leave him/her with your son. He could lash out at a helpless animal and that would be awful for you and Ddog.

Poor you - he needs to leave asap for your sake. You’ve achieved so much to build a life after what one abusive man did to you, do not let another do the same. Also your poor poor dog, you must protect him.

i would also report him to the police and ask them for help to remove him as your abuser.

I was open and honest with all my children. This was not a 'new man'. This is a man I like spending time with, enjoy the companionship of and have nice developed feelings for. It shouldn't be a dirty little secret.

The only consideration in terms of kicking him out is your own safety. He doesn't need a weeks notice - this will just enable him to ramp up the abuse. Please don't tell him by yourself. Is it an option to change the locks, get ring doorbells, pack his things and deliver them to a third party or his workplace and tell him not to attempt to come back to the house or the police will be called?

This is hard to read, OP, and I am so sorry for you. The apple has not even fallen off the tree with this one. You have to get him out for your own safety as well as that of the dog. Dreadful behaviour by him.

Infact, report him to the police anyway. He needs to have a record to help protect other poor women from him.

It's laughable to say this has anything to do with mourning. No matter how sad you are you don't try poison peoples dogs. He's an utter psychopath. Don't make the mistake you made for his father in making excuses and trying to make yourself small again forevermore.

Also, kindly op, you are not in a position to date someone new as you are still accepting an minimising abuse from people in your life. Sharks can smell you are an easy target. I'd put the odds at 90 percent that this man is another abuser. Yes, that high.

Do not move him in if you keep dating him.

Fair enough - he is clearly full of rage so potentially a threat. So fine - ask him to leave first - but he still needs help and compassion.

Oh OP this is heartbreaking and I am so sorry for everything you have been through. The time has come, as other posters have said, for this to stop.

Regardless of what your son has witnessed or experienced, this is abhorrent and, with his actions, he is not only a risk to your pets, but a risk to you too. Forgive me if I missed the detail, but I assume the house is yours, and so you are entitled to tell him to leave and then enforce it. Not as easy as it sounds, I know, but you can, and must, do this for your safety and wellbeing.

For what it's worth, my advice would be - today ideally:

While he's out at work, change the locks.
Pack up his belongings - divide them into things he needs right now, and things he can have later.
The things he needs right now - put in bags next to the door or take them to his work (if that's possible). Do you have a shed or a garage you can put the rest in?
Message him to tell him the reasons why you have reached the end of your limit - the name calling, the lack of respect, the lack of care and help and reference how the deliberate harm to your pets is the final straw, and you need to him to leave now.
Write down all the worst examples from the past few weeks/months - this can be evidence for you to refer back to.

There will be places he can go, and if there genuinely isn't anyway, book him a cheap Travelodge for the weekend and he can then sort himself out. He's 24, he has money and he can decide on what to do next.

Tell his siblings - they don't have to take sides or do anything, but they need to know what he's doing and what you now need to do to protect yourself.

If you expect him to come home and try and force his way in - is this his style? - then call 101 and log your concern - give the example of him trying to harm the dogs and anything else that makes you fearful (such as threats and violence), and have it logged that you are removing him from your home.

I know you don't want any other family involved, but do you have friends who can come and just be at the house with you while you do this, or when you expect him to reappear?

You have had the most horrendous experience with his father and now with him, and I am so sorry. You deserve so much better and now is the time to take back control, as terrifying as it must seem. It sounds like you are beginning to actually start living again, and you must focus on this.

Sending love and strength, and know that we're cheering you on.

He needs to go down the council and present as homeless. The council will call you to try to convince you to take him back, you must refuse.

I totally agree he needs help and he can get this (if he chooses) when no longer living in the home
He does need to leave today

I am so sorry to hear everything that you have been through.
I always say “My children are my world, they would always be welcomed back home” BUT I’m afraid it looks like your son has learnt his dad’s abusive ways.
It is not ok for him to treat you like this.
He needs to move out now.
Be strong, you deserve to be happy.

He's not abusive because he's angry - he's angry because he's abusive.

Rage is just a tactic to cause fear.
His father's death being wielded like shield.

I would talk to 101 police and ask their advice on getting him out of the house immediately.

As has been pointed out women are often killed by their sons. He is displaying incredibly worrying behaviour and you need him out of the house today. It doesn't matter that he cannot afford it. He should have thought about that before treating you so badly, and the poor dog.

I am sure he has friends, he can sofa surf but he is not your problem. Please, for the sake of your other children stay safe, ring 101 today.

Yes, I think you need to make all of your daughters aware of the situation so he doesn't end up moving in with one of them and repeating the behaviours, while also alienating them from you. Sorry you're experiencing this, OP. It must be gutwrenching. Sending love and strength.

Contact Women’s Aid. They may be able to give you advice on how to get your son to leave. [email protected] will respond to emails in seven days.

There’s a freephone number run by Refuge 0808 2000 247. Be very clear that this is abuse.

It is not safe for you or your youngest child or your dog for him to be at home. Please act to protect them and yourself immediately.

There may be other women’s refuges who know how to proceed; google local women’s support.

Contact the police as what he is doing is abusive and I think criminal.

Keep posting. Be brave.

Am with the PPs who state that you get him out today. Poisoning the dog is psychopathic.

Pack his stuff. Change the locks. Get someone to wait with you and tell him he is leaving today. Is it any wonder his previous relationship collapsed? Being the victim of abuse, as he clearly was, is no excuse for becoming an abuser.

Save yourself and remove him. Do not let him back into your life until or unless he has had therapy and apologised.

Disagree with the last part. I am not blaming his grief - compounded by grief, yes - but the heart of his behaviour is rooted in having a misogynistic, deeply abusive FUCK of a father modelling vile behaviour, and no means of escape. No adult stepped in and said "this is wrong, we're getting you out of here". He is damaged.

Again, I am not saying OP has to put up with ANY of his abusive behaviour but I am getting angry and the lack of understanding for how he got to this place and what he needs. This is all very familiar to me and OP has lived through hell already, but she didn't leave. I am not blaming her for that but her children had no choice. They were small, vulnerable, malleable and stuck in the middle of that toxic environment for YEARS. And now we're all horrified that at least one of them is repeating the cycle.....

Trying to make your dog ill is disgusting. Get him out. Son or not.

You have done everything you can to help him.

To give him any chance at all to change his ways you owe it to him to get him out of your house to prevent further abuse from him.
You need to record his violent actions and then, if you have nobody else to help you, you must go to the police for help to prevent him being able to continue to abuse you.
You have to break the pattern of his abuse of you for him, as he can’t.
It’s his only hope of seeing that he needs to live differently. You will be doing him a favour even though it’s breaking your heart.

Do it for him OP if you can’t bear to do it for your own sake. You know you don’t deserve any more of this nightmare.
Do it before something dreadful happens.

Did you ever tell the truth to your son about what a shit your husband was? He needs to hear his father's toxic views challenged with force because it sounds like he internalised everything and that the way he's coping with the grief is to carry on his dad's toxic legacy. Cut this short immediately - time for tough love unfortunately. Your DS must change his views or he'll carry on the cycle of abuse when he has a family of his own (his breakup probably won't have helped with his attitude, considering the likelihood that the poor girl saw sense and broke free from him). I'm sorry, it must be very hard for you.

And that's on him, because he is now an adult, and he can get his own counselling to break the cycle if he so wishes.
Get him removed from your home, go no contact, enjoy the rest of your life.
You didn't cause this and you can't fix it.

I say this incredibly sadly but your son is abusing you and you need him out of your home and potentially out of your life. I can't imagine how hard it must be to realise that the son you love would do this and you may need to cut them out to protect yourself - but please lean on the rest of your family and protect yourself and your younger child.