Son is breaking my heart. AIBU to make him move out

[Sheshell]

I was married for 30 years to a man i truly loved but who became abusive 15 years in. It became so toxic that I was totally isolated, could not go anywhere without a child with me to prove I wasn't haven't sex with someone at the shops, couldn't put the washing out to prove I wasn't jumping the fence to have sex with someone. Couldn't make any effort with myself, even brush my hair or wash too often because this was all usedas evidence of affairs. Eventually I had a breakdown and lost a couple of years of memories with my babies because I functioned on automatic. Then my partner got seriously ill. I nursed him for a year whilst still being abused. Even ambulance people would pull me aside and ask if this was a DV situation and was I ok? I stayed because he was dying. Then he died and love, relief, sadness, confusion, anger, grief all mixed up. My adult son moved back during the illness. Not to help but because he had a breakup. He didn't help with care if the house hold. This was meant to be short term. 3 months max. Then he's dad died and this timetable went out the window.
Slowly I clawed my way back to an identity. Supported my kids in their grief.
3 years later, after 2 years of counselling and a life changing trip and massive support from my extended family I am loving myself, making my own decisions and finally realising I have a future.
Recently and quite by accident I met a man who I have a lot in common with. We talk for hours about history, books, architecture and we're starting to have feelings for each other. My son can't accept this. I've been totally honest with the kids as this has progressed. He says it proves I am the whore my husband thought I was. He called me a tramp when I went out for dinner. He's left dog poo on my stairs, spills coffee on the floor on purpose when I've just cleaned it, refuses to put his stuff away and it's just everywhere. This morning I found he had tried to give my dog chillies in the night after I told him they made him very ill before. I love my son but I am now getting the same anxiety and feelings that his dad gave me. I am scared to fo certain things again. I have asked several times to talk it out but everytime I'm told to go away. I can't cope. I need him to move out. Am I being unreasonable,? I know he's in pain for a father that bullied him and I don't know where he'll go because he cant afford to move out. This time I need to protect myself. Its not about the man I've met. That is cery early days. Am I right choosing not to die inside again. Am I right choosing me?

Yes, Thanks for the lecture, and no you’re not hitting a nerve at all thanks. l’m not the only poster with experience in this field who is pointing out the futility of continually bringing up the reasons for his behaviour.

Of course he’s been traumatised by what he’s experienced, but for whatever reason at the time, OP stayed. Not everyone can leave, and there is no blame attached to that. She was traumatised, psychologically and emotionally controlled until she was submissive and isolated enough for the physical abuse to begin, and for whatever reason she felt unable to leave. She can’t change the past.

Her DS won’t engage with therapy and won’t discuss his issues. He’s an adult, and he’s making that choice as an adult. And if that’s his choice, it doesn’t include him being allowed to stay in her home while his behaviour escalates and he subjects her to the same psychological and eventually physical abuse she suffered at the hands of his father. At this point the reasons for his behaviour are irrelevant. Of paramount importance is getting him to leave so that OP is no longer in harms’ way. If he chooses to recognise the need for therapy to address his issues after that, then again that’s his choice, but until then he presents a threat to OP, and probably to any other female in his life.

There is no value in repeatedly pointing out to OP that her son has been damaged. She knows, but now is not the time to address those issues. OP’s safety is the priority.

Who cares why he's doing it? OP needs to get him out of her home. The current safeguarding concerns relate to her, not him.

@Rosscameasdoody the OP has given a full background history in her first message which would indicate that she possibly links the past with the present, but then again perhaps she doesn’t? Actually, it could be that the OP is explaining this from her perspective only, does she recognise the impact on the children, who are now adults? Maybe there is total bewilderment there.

I’ve said all along, OP needs to prioritise her safety and get him out of the house. If it was a partner, she could wash her hands of him but this her son and I doubt she wants to lose her relationship with him, although he can’t be near her whilst he is exhibiting such abusive behaviour. It’s generational trauma playing out and this young man will cause further damage to potential romantic partners, children and members of the public. The state will have to pick up the pieces, possibly prison time, rehabilitation, out of work benefits. I doubt he can be a functional person who makes a positive contribution to society, In his current way. As his mother, she does have a duty to support and possibly co operate with agencies to get him rehabilitated.

Myself and others on this thread have provided psycho education to the OP around adverse childhood experiences impacting people into adulthood. Maybe she recognises the impact of growing up in a DV environment on her children or perhaps she doesn’t. I don’t know.

What did the OP want from this thread? Validation that she is in the right? To be told she should kick him out? Advice? Support? I don’t know. Will she listen? She didn’t accept help from the paramedics when they tried to support her.

I hope she is safe and remains so.

He needs to leave. Tell him to leave by the end of the month. Call the police if he becomes violent or abusive. You put up with his father controlling and abusing you, you do not need to put up with it from someone else, even if he is your son and even if he is following his father's behaviour patterns. He's earning and he has money saved from what he hasn't paid over to you.
Please do the Freedom Programme. I hope the new guy you are seeing is lovely but you are vulnerable and need some support to understand acceptable boundaries and to feel able to set them.

Get him out today / he is abusive like his dad

I'm guessing she literally wants to be reassured that she's not being unreasonable. When you're accustomed to abuse, it can be hard to know where to draw the line, and being a mother blurs the boundaries as you feel responsible. I'm not sure it helps to keep stressing her responsibility for him. He's 24.