Son is breaking my heart. AIBU to make him move out

[Sheshell]

I was married for 30 years to a man i truly loved but who became abusive 15 years in. It became so toxic that I was totally isolated, could not go anywhere without a child with me to prove I wasn't haven't sex with someone at the shops, couldn't put the washing out to prove I wasn't jumping the fence to have sex with someone. Couldn't make any effort with myself, even brush my hair or wash too often because this was all usedas evidence of affairs. Eventually I had a breakdown and lost a couple of years of memories with my babies because I functioned on automatic. Then my partner got seriously ill. I nursed him for a year whilst still being abused. Even ambulance people would pull me aside and ask if this was a DV situation and was I ok? I stayed because he was dying. Then he died and love, relief, sadness, confusion, anger, grief all mixed up. My adult son moved back during the illness. Not to help but because he had a breakup. He didn't help with care if the house hold. This was meant to be short term. 3 months max. Then he's dad died and this timetable went out the window.
Slowly I clawed my way back to an identity. Supported my kids in their grief.
3 years later, after 2 years of counselling and a life changing trip and massive support from my extended family I am loving myself, making my own decisions and finally realising I have a future.
Recently and quite by accident I met a man who I have a lot in common with. We talk for hours about history, books, architecture and we're starting to have feelings for each other. My son can't accept this. I've been totally honest with the kids as this has progressed. He says it proves I am the whore my husband thought I was. He called me a tramp when I went out for dinner. He's left dog poo on my stairs, spills coffee on the floor on purpose when I've just cleaned it, refuses to put his stuff away and it's just everywhere. This morning I found he had tried to give my dog chillies in the night after I told him they made him very ill before. I love my son but I am now getting the same anxiety and feelings that his dad gave me. I am scared to fo certain things again. I have asked several times to talk it out but everytime I'm told to go away. I can't cope. I need him to move out. Am I being unreasonable,? I know he's in pain for a father that bullied him and I don't know where he'll go because he cant afford to move out. This time I need to protect myself. Its not about the man I've met. That is cery early days. Am I right choosing not to die inside again. Am I right choosing me?

He needs to leave OP. Given some of the vile and harmful things he has done, I wouldn’t ask him to leave, I’d pack his things and leave them outside, changing the locks - he really sounds unhinged. I think it’s fair to tell him you love him etc but that you will not live with abuse in your home any longer. You have a chance (with or without this man) to live a happy life from here. Please don’t sacrifice this for your son - he will never change if this pattern is all he grew up with and has known.

You've just swapped one abuser for another. The misogynistic language that he uses such as calling you a slut is unbelievaby awful and there is no way that you just accept this behaviour. Your son is an adult and can live independently so please make him leave, changing the locks if necessary.

You could consider reporting the chilli incident to the RSPCA. They have powers of investigation and can bring private prosecutions for animal cruelty. If an officer visits, maybe it'll put the wind up your DS?

Give him a week to pack his bags and leave, then change the locks. He is abusing you and is cruel to animals. This is your time - you have put up with enough for years.

Your son has learned how to be an abuser, by watching how his Dad treated you. He doesn't know how to treat a woman, because he's never seen a healthy relationship.

However, regardless of the trauma he may have experienced, it doesn't give him the right to treat you so badly. He's abusing you in exactly the same way as his Dad. Many people experience watching a parent go through DV, but they don't all go on to abuse.

The fact he's capable of deliberately poisoning your dog, is quite honestly scary. If he's willing to do that to an animal, what could he do to you (or someone else)? I sadly think he's capable of being violent.

Asking him to leave, could leave you wide open to being attacked. I think you need to speak to Women"s Aid or even make a trip to the local police station to speak to someone for advice. Yes, you need him to leave ASAP, but you need to do it in a safe way, so that you're not put in danger. You also need to have all the locks changed as soon as he leaves.

He’s learnt from the abuser and he’s also been grieving. He needs to see a counsellor urgently so he can get past it all and live a nice life where he doesn’t behave like that around women.

He has become his Father. You can love your ds and hate the vile person he's become.
Please ask him to leave, call the police if you need help getting him out.
Shut your door, I'm sorry but your lovely little boy is gone.
Take care.

I don't normally say this, OP, but please can you let us know that you are OK. I mean when you tell him to go. You know he has to go, but I understand it's scary, and he might kick off
It could, however, be the making of him. If he takes responsibility for his actions and seeks help for his appalling behaviour.

I'd be worried about giving him warning, to be honest.

For your sake, your daughter's sake and your dog's sake he needs to leave immediately. No ifs, no buts. He's shown that he is malevolent and dangerous. You may worry that he may struggle on his wage. Tough. He's big and vile enough to abuse his mother and try to poison the dog he should be man enough to be independent. Frankly some struggle might help him learn a few overdue lessons. He'll have to find his own accommodation rather than leeching off the woman he abuses. And if he can't afford the rents and has a low wage then he may be able to claim some level of UC. Or not, but seriously domestic abusers have no right to be housed and funded by their victim. You should change your locks and bag up his stuff along with a list of places to seek help for his atrocious behaviour. Don't allow this toxic toerag across your threshold. Until he learns women are not there for him to abuse and exploit he needs to be kept at a safe distance. Many of us experienced abusive relationships as children. He is old enough to take responsibility and seek therapy but he must face up to his abusive behaviour and successfully tackle it before you can allow him to regain a closer relationship.

Some of his behaviour is learned and some of it is possibly rage at you for not leaving when he was younger.

I think these are the things you need to do:

Sit down and apologise for his childhood. It was not your fault that your husband was an abuser, but rightly or wrongly (and no judgment from me AT ALL), you stayed and your DS was was witness to the worst kind of misogynistic abuse.

Tell your DS that you accept that he is damaged and displaying learned behaviour from a twisted and broken role model and that you recognise he had no choice in the values he was taught my his father.

Tell him that you accept he may be angry with you for not leaving and ask him if he would like to understand better why that was - the fear, the entrapment, the numb exhaustion and so on....

Tell him you love him very much and that you want him to heal, as you have started to do, if not for your relationship with each other, then for future relationships he might have.

But this cannot continue. So finally, give him an ultimatum. He either starts therapy - properly - booked weekly, full attendance, or shows you that he is doing something to work on himself in a different way, or he has to leave. Put a timeline on it. A week to decide how he wants to move forward. At the end of that week, he has either booked therapy or packed his bags.

His childhood was not his fault, but he is an adult now and must take some responsibility for working through his feelings as they are clearly causing him to repeat the abuse cycle.

Loving, accepting of your role (not leaving) but firm.

I wish you so much luck.

He has to leave and go on his own healing journey from his dad’s horrible behaviour to you. You deserve this relationship and a new start.

• change the locks, throw him out
• consider selling up and moving to a smaller property if most of the kids are out of the home now

It's sad that as a young child he was forced to be raised in a household with an abuser. You stayed and so couldn't protect him from that.

Obviously not anything you can do about it now, it's far too late, so you will just have to kick him out.

Agree with poster who mentioned the RSPCA. If he threatens the dog report him to the RSPCA, if he threatens you call the police.

Get his shit out in the garden today. Change the locks.

Yes, this. Please don't put yourself through this cycle of hell for a second time. He's a grown man responsible for his own abhorrent actions. Get him out and make sure you're safe.

No that's a bad idea, that gives him time to plan & do horrible things to her and the dog for revenge,he needs to go now .

OP please ask your new man to back you up while you put him and and change locks, if he has feelings for you he will do it.

He's not disrespectful, he is abusive. You need to get him out. Don't go backwards. Get the police involved if he won't leave. Don't compromise your hard-earned peace.

You are strong.
You are amazing.
You have pulled yourself out of an abusive abyss by sheer will and strength.
Do NOT inflict this life on your daughters -if they see your son now abusing you after years of their father abusing you then it’s likely they will end up in abusive relationships.
Get rid of your son -it’s not just you who needs saving, your daughters do too. And you CAN DO THIS.
Pack some of his stuff, phone a locksmith & get the locks changed.
Then, take a deep breath and phone the police.
Tell them you are throwing out your abusive adult son and he may turn physically nasty and you are afraid.
Then, put his stuff outside the door & let him come back. I wouldn’t text him as that gives him time to get angry.
Get rid of this man. Focus on you and your daughters.
I wish you luck & strength and wish I could send someone round to protect you.
Let us know how you are.

OP, do you think he would physically attack you?
If yes, call the police to have him removed.
If no, tell him he has an amount of time (whatever duration sits best with you), to shape up or ship out.
You need to protect yourself, the child you still have at home, and your dog.
Good luck.

Out. Pain or no pain, that's a disgusting thing to say to a mother who raised him.

Please if you decide to do any of this make sure it’s AFTER you’ve removed him from your home and only agree to meet up in a public place not in your home. He’s a menace with learned behaviours, contempt and zero respect for you.

Do the police help in situations like this? You don't have anyone to support you getting him out of your home, so I'm just wondering if they offer support?

Get him out asap. You don’t have to put up with this and (for his sake as much as your own) you need to draw a line very quickly and make it clear his behaviour is totally unjustified and totally unacceptable.

Don’t cut him loose though. As PPs have said, he’s learnt this behaviour under your roof. He’s spent his entire childhood witnessing a dysfunctional relationship in action. Coercive control and misogynistic abuse is deeply ingrained in his psyche, as is witnessing its effectiveness and lack of consequences for your piece of shit husband.

Please don’t think I’m blaming you for being a victim, but your son is a victim of the situation too. As his parent you do need to take some accountability for how and why he’s become an abuser, and try to help him break the cycle before he visits this criminal behaviour on someone else’s poor daughter in the future.