Son is breaking my heart. AIBU to make him move out

[Sheshell]

I was married for 30 years to a man i truly loved but who became abusive 15 years in. It became so toxic that I was totally isolated, could not go anywhere without a child with me to prove I wasn't haven't sex with someone at the shops, couldn't put the washing out to prove I wasn't jumping the fence to have sex with someone. Couldn't make any effort with myself, even brush my hair or wash too often because this was all usedas evidence of affairs. Eventually I had a breakdown and lost a couple of years of memories with my babies because I functioned on automatic. Then my partner got seriously ill. I nursed him for a year whilst still being abused. Even ambulance people would pull me aside and ask if this was a DV situation and was I ok? I stayed because he was dying. Then he died and love, relief, sadness, confusion, anger, grief all mixed up. My adult son moved back during the illness. Not to help but because he had a breakup. He didn't help with care if the house hold. This was meant to be short term. 3 months max. Then he's dad died and this timetable went out the window.
Slowly I clawed my way back to an identity. Supported my kids in their grief.
3 years later, after 2 years of counselling and a life changing trip and massive support from my extended family I am loving myself, making my own decisions and finally realising I have a future.
Recently and quite by accident I met a man who I have a lot in common with. We talk for hours about history, books, architecture and we're starting to have feelings for each other. My son can't accept this. I've been totally honest with the kids as this has progressed. He says it proves I am the whore my husband thought I was. He called me a tramp when I went out for dinner. He's left dog poo on my stairs, spills coffee on the floor on purpose when I've just cleaned it, refuses to put his stuff away and it's just everywhere. This morning I found he had tried to give my dog chillies in the night after I told him they made him very ill before. I love my son but I am now getting the same anxiety and feelings that his dad gave me. I am scared to fo certain things again. I have asked several times to talk it out but everytime I'm told to go away. I can't cope. I need him to move out. Am I being unreasonable,? I know he's in pain for a father that bullied him and I don't know where he'll go because he cant afford to move out. This time I need to protect myself. Its not about the man I've met. That is cery early days. Am I right choosing not to die inside again. Am I right choosing me?

OP, I’m sorry this is happening. Give him a choice between therapy or leaving.
if he can’t act on this then he has to go. You can not live like this.

This is exactly why others who read in this thread, and live with abuse need to leave. The father role model is powerful and strong.

Absolutely kick him out. Tell him exactly why. He is copying his father’s abusive behaviour. Tell other members of the family, any other close friends etc exactly what he’s said. Do not protect him from their scorn. He’s more likely to reform his attitudes and behaviour (presuming he’s still young) if he faces the shame he deserves.

No, she made shit choices as a fully grown adult because she was being abused. He is making shit choices as a fully grown adult because he was abused through this whole childhood and beyond and sees this woman as responsible for that. Which she partly is because of the bad choices she made because she was being abused. She was offered help and opportunity to escape and refused it too. So again, why is she afforded sympathy but not him. Both either made mad choices, or through abuse became incapable of doing otherwise.

He's modelled his behaviour on a man who abused you who you stayed with until he died.

How you think he would grow up to respect you was a very bad call.

I'm not saying it's your fault btw. I'm just saying children model their behaviour on their role models.

Let's hope no woman ends up with him.

OP, pls involve the police.
Your son works so when he goes to work you change the locks.
You involve the police.
You gather his stuff together and involve the police in handing it over.
Call 101 for advice.

He is his fathers son, which is sadly scum.
You cannot change this.

Don't waste anymore of your life at the hands of abusive men.
You cannot change him, no more than you could change his father.

Get him out of the house and never allow him to return.

Anything else will mean this is your future.
I have a son that age and you do not have to tolerate this.

Your gobshite of a son is abusing you. Give him a weeks notice. If he doesn’t leave call the police

Hello @Sheshell - we're so sorry to hear of your situation. We've moved your thread over to Relationships.

I'm a retired homeless officer, many parents do kick their adult child out. They don't know if the child has anywhere to go. Often it's because the child has started to behave in an unacceptable manner.
I've also dealt with umpteen women, and a few men, who have been abused by partners, it often takes a considerable time for them to pluck up the courage to leave. Often the abuser makes threats to harm family members who don't reside in the house, or threaten to torture pets if the pets are left behind. The victim is often so controlled that they don't have the means to leave. I've met women who have been appallingly treated, e. g paint being thrown over them, bleach being thrown over them, punched in the face, raped you name it. I've been interviewing the woman while the man is hammering on the interview door calling us both every name under the sun and issuing threats to us both.
Her safety is what matters now, I'm sure he has loads of mates who will offer a sofa.

Yes in those circumstances of course , but unless I've missed an update , he hasn't been physical just horrible

He's tried to poison the dog. She doesn't have to wait for him to be physically violent to her to chuck him out. In fact, I would say she should do so before he hits her.

I think you need some advice on what steps you can take to get him out the house, and what you can do legally to keep him away from you and your home. He's so enraged and volatile at the moment that you are honestly not safe whilst he's there. He desperately needs counselling to address his past but in the meantime take steps to protect yourself.

The cycle of abuse is tragic. But OP can choose to end it in her own life by making better next steps. It's up to him whether to end it in his by making better next steps. So far, he has chosen not to, and is unlikely to do so while she continues to be his punchbag.

I'm not sure why you are focusing on "sympathy" when it's kind of redundant in a situation where OP is dealing with an abusive and potentially dangerous situation.

Non physical abuse is still abuse.

Tell him get his stuff packed and get out or you will call the police and have him removed. He is a bully who needs to be shown the door. Reclaim your power throw the little shit out and go have a wonderful life you deserve it .

He was bullied by his father and now he has turned into the bully. I can't imagine how horrific his life has been and what he has been through and witnessed. It's extremely sad IMO.

I would do all you can to support him to move out. He was only supposed to be staying 3 months so he can whatever he was planning to do after the 3 months. Your relationship will hopefully improve if he is not living at home.

I know a family where the youngest son (who was verbally abusive towards his mother for years) ended up murdering her. This isn’t an unrealistic possibility OP. Your son is a very very damaged person, which is sad, but lots of people are damaged and don’t act like him. You have to put yourself first.

He’s working and earning, owes OP in excess of £3000, actively abusing her in her own home and trying to poison her dog, and your advice is to give him two months to move out and to finance it ? Really ? He needs to move out now, and OP needs to inform the police that her son is abusive and ask for their help in getting him to leave. His behaviour is escalating and she is in harms’ way. This isn’t disrespect, it’s abuse.

The only thing OP needs to do is to ring the police and get help to make him leave before his abusive behaviour escalates from harming the dog, to harming OP. Can you really not see the warning signs here. And unless/until he gets therapy to deal with his issues he shouldn’t be anywhere near OP or any other female, regardless of where he’s living.

He has a job. He stopped contributing to the household. He owes the OP £3k.

He can get a Travelodge while he finds a room to rent.

Abuse is abuse. It often starts off as psychological/emotional to subdue and isolate the victim before physical abuse starts.

More victim blaming dressed up as faux support. He’s a grown man and he’s made the choice to be abusive. He’s modelled that on his father’s behaviour, OP’s. Often victims of this kind of abuse are controlled and emotionally abused before physical abuse starts, and by the time it does, they are isolated, fearful and unable to leave. Do you think OP enjoys being told over and over again that she’s made ‘bad choices’ in the past when she’s looking for support now ?

And how does pointing any of this out help OP now. If this is all you can offer, you really need to stop posting because you’re not helping with your sanctimonious blame game.

She’s already offered therapy and has tried to discuss the past with him. He won’t engage. It’s time for him to leave.

'Maddy70 · Today 11:39
I take your point entitled but no mum is going to throw out their son immediately with nowhere to go.'

Do 'mums' not have human rights?

A lot of 'mums' find that when life becomes unbearable and their child is abusing them, that they want that child out the door ASAP.

Sometimes people don't like to hear that and 'mum' will be aware of that. These people prefer to give abusers a pass, because it's only 'mum' - the container and shock absorber of society.

Unconditional love doesn't exist in nature, it's red in tooth and claw as someone famously said. But the script is different for mothers, shamed for wanting a life without abuse.

@Rosscameasdoody your responses are very interesting and defensive; you are very keen to shut down anyone pointing out that the sons childhood experiences are very likely the reason why he is displaying abusive behaviour, (although this does not excuse it) Is this triggering for you in some way? You keep saying to posters, including myself that we are being sanctimonious. It’s not sanctimonious or cruel, to point out that people who experience childhood trauma and abuse are impacted way into adulthood ( C- PTSD). You don’t like hearing this, do you? I think this is a hitting a nerve.

Are you the poster that said you work in the mental health field? If so, maybe go over your safeguarding training as if you do work with someone experiencing DV and there are children in the house, my fear will be that you will fail to raise safeguarding concerns, as you seem to want to airbrush over this very serious issue.