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Original poster

Son is breaking my heart. AIBU to make him move out

456 replies

Sheshell · 09/01/2026 09:58

I was married for 30 years to a man i truly loved but who became abusive 15 years in. It became so toxic that I was totally isolated, could not go anywhere without a child with me to prove I wasn't haven't sex with someone at the shops, couldn't put the washing out to prove I wasn't jumping the fence to have sex with someone. Couldn't make any effort with myself, even brush my hair or wash too often because this was all usedas evidence of affairs. Eventually I had a breakdown and lost a couple of years of memories with my babies because I functioned on automatic. Then my partner got seriously ill. I nursed him for a year whilst still being abused. Even ambulance people would pull me aside and ask if this was a DV situation and was I ok? I stayed because he was dying. Then he died and love, relief, sadness, confusion, anger, grief all mixed up. My adult son moved back during the illness. Not to help but because he had a breakup. He didn't help with care if the house hold. This was meant to be short term. 3 months max. Then he's dad died and this timetable went out the window.
Slowly I clawed my way back to an identity. Supported my kids in their grief.
3 years later, after 2 years of counselling and a life changing trip and massive support from my extended family I am loving myself, making my own decisions and finally realising I have a future.
Recently and quite by accident I met a man who I have a lot in common with. We talk for hours about history, books, architecture and we're starting to have feelings for each other. My son can't accept this. I've been totally honest with the kids as this has progressed. He says it proves I am the whore my husband thought I was. He called me a tramp when I went out for dinner. He's left dog poo on my stairs, spills coffee on the floor on purpose when I've just cleaned it, refuses to put his stuff away and it's just everywhere. This morning I found he had tried to give my dog chillies in the night after I told him they made him very ill before. I love my son but I am now getting the same anxiety and feelings that his dad gave me. I am scared to fo certain things again. I have asked several times to talk it out but everytime I'm told to go away. I can't cope. I need him to move out. Am I being unreasonable,? I know he's in pain for a father that bullied him and I don't know where he'll go because he cant afford to move out. This time I need to protect myself. Its not about the man I've met. That is cery early days. Am I right choosing not to die inside again. Am I right choosing me?

OP posts:
BlackCatDiscoClub · 09/01/2026 17:46

JHound · 09/01/2026 17:33

They likely did witness abuse - abuse is not just violence. Your sons attitudes did not develop in a vacuum but none of this is your fault. Your son needs removing.

Show quote history

The abuse your son is inflicting is emotional and psychological so I'm sorry to say he did witness it and learn from it.

RavenRoise · 09/01/2026 17:50

Hes tried to harm the dog. Thats a psychopath. Get him out!

JoannaTheYodelingCowgirl · 09/01/2026 17:53

Apple doesn't fall far from the tree, especially if he's doing this as a grown adult.

Get him out, cut ties, he's not your son anymore. Focus on yourself and your little ones Flowers

Glowingup · 09/01/2026 17:53

ExitViaGiftShop · 09/01/2026 17:43

Your son’s behaviour is abusive and he must leave your home. He has been damaged by watching you be abused by your husband. If he witnessed the abuse he was also a victim of it and completely powerless as a child. He was stuck in an abusive home. You and your husband failed to keep him safe. That needs to be said. You must take responsibility and be held to account for your part in this.

Do you really think you should be entering into a new relationship? Is that wise with your history? Have you received expert support in processing your experiences? I wish you and your son peace and healing.

Or… he could just be an abusive person. Many people are. There are countless people who witness abuse who never perpetrate it. It’s a lazy excuse and means abusers don’t take responsibility for their actions.
So maybe stop with the blaming the mum for how her son has turned out.

And she’s allowed to have a relationship.

aCatCalledFawkes · 09/01/2026 17:56

BlackCatDiscoClub · 09/01/2026 17:46

The abuse your son is inflicting is emotional and psychological so I'm sorry to say he did witness it and learn from it.

Edited
Show quote history

And what makes you need to say that and state the obvious?

NNforthispost · 09/01/2026 17:56

pinkyredrose · 09/01/2026 10:04

Son or not he's abusive. Put his stuff outside and change the locks. Trying to poison the dog would be the final straw for me.

This ⬆️

This is not love that your son’s showing. He needs to be gone. Trying to poison the dog would be the final straw for me. What a heartless and selfish man he is:

Lavagir1 · 09/01/2026 17:57

I know lots of people have answered already, but I don't feel able to just scroll past you OP.
This is heartbreaking, and you must not allow your son to put you through more abuse. It's intolerable. If you are able to make him move out, do it. If you're not sure if you can, start planning a way.
I promise you it's not unreasonable.
It's not even good for him to let this awful behaviour go on.

Uricon2 · 09/01/2026 17:59

It's interesting that there seems to be no suggestion this mans several sisters are abusive although they would have had the same childhood exposure. He moved back home because it suited him and has no right to behave as he is.

OP, you owe it both to yourself and your daughter who is still living with you to stop this. He may need help, but it doesn't and shouldn't be at your or her expense (or tha tof your poor dog)

Happyjoe · 09/01/2026 18:02

OP, I would put it this way - if you do not get rid of him from your house, you're cementing that this kind of abusive and nasty behaviour is acceptable. Not only do you owe it to yourself to be safe and happy in your own home, he needs to learn that you will never again accept this behaviour from anyone.

Wiltshiremum1986 · 09/01/2026 18:04

He needs to grow up, and you need to kick him out. Who the hell does he think he his?!

Mumtobabyhavoc · 09/01/2026 18:04

OP, follow the advice to pack up his belongings and change the locks. Your son has become the man your husband was. He is now an adult. You are not responsible for him. Do it now.

ExitViaGiftShop · 09/01/2026 18:09

@Glowingup she was also his parent and she failed to keep him safe in her role as his carer and protector. It is absolutely NOT her fault that she was abused by her husband, but she chose to stay and even nursed the vile fucker on his death bed. This needs reflecting on in therapy and with experts in DV. Her actions demonstrate to her son that she prioritised this abusive male above everyone else. It’s an utterly tragic shit show of generational trauma playing out in real time.

Unfortunately I suspect her relationship with her son may be beyond repair. He needs expert help. He was failed by his parents; he should not abuse others, but he is, because he is damaged.

The son needs to leave the home but the OP needs psychological input to work through her trauma and process it, otherwise she could end up in another abusive relationship. Op must be so vulnerable and lacking in self esteem.

My advice: tell the son to leave. Then once things have cooled down, have a phone call or zoom with him and ACKNOWLEDGE the abuse, voice it, create a space for all of this to be talked through. Take ownership that she too, played her role in failing to protect him and keep him safe. She will not be his emotional punch bag and will support him in processing his trauma and breaking the cycle of generational abuse. Op, said she has daughters, I wonder how their adult relationships have played out? Sadly, I would suspect DV experiences.

LokiDoki75 · 09/01/2026 18:15

He is making the choice to act this way, remember that. Boot his backside out. Did he act like this with his ex?

aCatCalledFawkes · 09/01/2026 18:16

ExitViaGiftShop · 09/01/2026 18:09

@Glowingup she was also his parent and she failed to keep him safe in her role as his carer and protector. It is absolutely NOT her fault that she was abused by her husband, but she chose to stay and even nursed the vile fucker on his death bed. This needs reflecting on in therapy and with experts in DV. Her actions demonstrate to her son that she prioritised this abusive male above everyone else. It’s an utterly tragic shit show of generational trauma playing out in real time.

Unfortunately I suspect her relationship with her son may be beyond repair. He needs expert help. He was failed by his parents; he should not abuse others, but he is, because he is damaged.

The son needs to leave the home but the OP needs psychological input to work through her trauma and process it, otherwise she could end up in another abusive relationship. Op must be so vulnerable and lacking in self esteem.

My advice: tell the son to leave. Then once things have cooled down, have a phone call or zoom with him and ACKNOWLEDGE the abuse, voice it, create a space for all of this to be talked through. Take ownership that she too, played her role in failing to protect him and keep him safe. She will not be his emotional punch bag and will support him in processing his trauma and breaking the cycle of generational abuse. Op, said she has daughters, I wonder how their adult relationships have played out? Sadly, I would suspect DV experiences.

FML. How lecturing and patronising can you get. I really hope you don't work or volunteer in domestic abuse charities because, you would be so counterproductive.

Glowingup · 09/01/2026 18:18

ExitViaGiftShop · 09/01/2026 18:09

@Glowingup she was also his parent and she failed to keep him safe in her role as his carer and protector. It is absolutely NOT her fault that she was abused by her husband, but she chose to stay and even nursed the vile fucker on his death bed. This needs reflecting on in therapy and with experts in DV. Her actions demonstrate to her son that she prioritised this abusive male above everyone else. It’s an utterly tragic shit show of generational trauma playing out in real time.

Unfortunately I suspect her relationship with her son may be beyond repair. He needs expert help. He was failed by his parents; he should not abuse others, but he is, because he is damaged.

The son needs to leave the home but the OP needs psychological input to work through her trauma and process it, otherwise she could end up in another abusive relationship. Op must be so vulnerable and lacking in self esteem.

My advice: tell the son to leave. Then once things have cooled down, have a phone call or zoom with him and ACKNOWLEDGE the abuse, voice it, create a space for all of this to be talked through. Take ownership that she too, played her role in failing to protect him and keep him safe. She will not be his emotional punch bag and will support him in processing his trauma and breaking the cycle of generational abuse. Op, said she has daughters, I wonder how their adult relationships have played out? Sadly, I would suspect DV experiences.

Abusive man number 1: described as a vile fucker.

Abusive man number 2: described as a victim who was failed by his mum and needs intensive therapy.

Why the massive difference in how you describe these two adult males who abuse women?

Yourcousinrachel · 09/01/2026 18:28

Dear Op
Im so sorry for what youve been through. Can you contact the police about the attempted killing of your dog and the abuse you are suffering from your son? Get their advice on how to get him to leave. If its logged with them at least you might feel safer.

I would write your son a letter about why he has to leave your house and get therapy. You can make it clear you love him but his behaviour will have to change before he is welcome to contact you again. I would make sure i copy that letter and send copies to all of his siblings so that everyone is clear 100 % on the abuse being the reason he cannot stay with you any longer. That way, in years to come, you are covered, you have a record, so does all your family of what happened and why. If you could get your other daughters present and maybe some of their partners, they can be there when you give him the letter. I would put all his stuff on doorstep or at one of his siblings and change the locks, so he is already outside and cant damage your home further when he learns he has to leave.

Please reach out for help to a dv charity or helpline also. You deserve a chance to live a peaceful life. I hope this time next year, you will be able to be happy.

ExitViaGiftShop · 09/01/2026 18:30

@aCatCalledFawkesi don’t think I am patronising. I think my response was measured and respectful. This is the OP’s life right now, it’s terrible but she needs a plan going forward to keep her safe and as a parent, I’m sure she wants her son to lead an emotionally healthy and fulfilling life. She clearly loves her son and is heartbroken.

Damage now needs to be undone through therapy and caring for self. This is an unhealthy family unit, destroyed through abuse. The abusive husband is dead and she is left pick up the pieces. This is an injustice. He basically never got held to account.

I don’t think treating victims of DV like they are 5 year old children is helpful. That IS patronising and prevents true healing and recovery from occurring. OP has agency and autonomy. Telling her none of this is her fault is untrue and perpetuates the dysfunction. It is NOT the OP’s fault that she was abused but there needs to be acknowledgment of painful truths ( she stayed in the relationship) for real change to happen for her family unit.

I wish the OP all the best and a peaceful and fulfilling life going forward. This can be achieved.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 09/01/2026 18:32

ExitViaGiftShop · 09/01/2026 18:09

@Glowingup she was also his parent and she failed to keep him safe in her role as his carer and protector. It is absolutely NOT her fault that she was abused by her husband, but she chose to stay and even nursed the vile fucker on his death bed. This needs reflecting on in therapy and with experts in DV. Her actions demonstrate to her son that she prioritised this abusive male above everyone else. It’s an utterly tragic shit show of generational trauma playing out in real time.

Unfortunately I suspect her relationship with her son may be beyond repair. He needs expert help. He was failed by his parents; he should not abuse others, but he is, because he is damaged.

The son needs to leave the home but the OP needs psychological input to work through her trauma and process it, otherwise she could end up in another abusive relationship. Op must be so vulnerable and lacking in self esteem.

My advice: tell the son to leave. Then once things have cooled down, have a phone call or zoom with him and ACKNOWLEDGE the abuse, voice it, create a space for all of this to be talked through. Take ownership that she too, played her role in failing to protect him and keep him safe. She will not be his emotional punch bag and will support him in processing his trauma and breaking the cycle of generational abuse. Op, said she has daughters, I wonder how their adult relationships have played out? Sadly, I would suspect DV experiences.

You seem well meaning, but no, OP does not need to do anything for her adult son who has agency over his behavioural choices.
How very patronizing, and utterly shameful, to insist OP needs to take ownership for failing her son. The person deserving of blame is dead. Thank God for that.
OP needs to look after herself; make sure she is safe; continue therapy; suggest to her son to seek therapy as well so perhaps they can speak in the future. Her son may very well be dangerous. His anger is very apparent.

Happyjoe · 09/01/2026 18:33

ExitViaGiftShop · 09/01/2026 18:30

@aCatCalledFawkesi don’t think I am patronising. I think my response was measured and respectful. This is the OP’s life right now, it’s terrible but she needs a plan going forward to keep her safe and as a parent, I’m sure she wants her son to lead an emotionally healthy and fulfilling life. She clearly loves her son and is heartbroken.

Damage now needs to be undone through therapy and caring for self. This is an unhealthy family unit, destroyed through abuse. The abusive husband is dead and she is left pick up the pieces. This is an injustice. He basically never got held to account.

I don’t think treating victims of DV like they are 5 year old children is helpful. That IS patronising and prevents true healing and recovery from occurring. OP has agency and autonomy. Telling her none of this is her fault is untrue and perpetuates the dysfunction. It is NOT the OP’s fault that she was abused but there needs to be acknowledgment of painful truths ( she stayed in the relationship) for real change to happen for her family unit.

I wish the OP all the best and a peaceful and fulfilling life going forward. This can be achieved.

She stayed in the relationship

I don't think you understand how abuse works, I hope you've never experienced it.

MumWifeOther · 09/01/2026 18:34

Sheshell · 09/01/2026 09:58

I was married for 30 years to a man i truly loved but who became abusive 15 years in. It became so toxic that I was totally isolated, could not go anywhere without a child with me to prove I wasn't haven't sex with someone at the shops, couldn't put the washing out to prove I wasn't jumping the fence to have sex with someone. Couldn't make any effort with myself, even brush my hair or wash too often because this was all usedas evidence of affairs. Eventually I had a breakdown and lost a couple of years of memories with my babies because I functioned on automatic. Then my partner got seriously ill. I nursed him for a year whilst still being abused. Even ambulance people would pull me aside and ask if this was a DV situation and was I ok? I stayed because he was dying. Then he died and love, relief, sadness, confusion, anger, grief all mixed up. My adult son moved back during the illness. Not to help but because he had a breakup. He didn't help with care if the house hold. This was meant to be short term. 3 months max. Then he's dad died and this timetable went out the window.
Slowly I clawed my way back to an identity. Supported my kids in their grief.
3 years later, after 2 years of counselling and a life changing trip and massive support from my extended family I am loving myself, making my own decisions and finally realising I have a future.
Recently and quite by accident I met a man who I have a lot in common with. We talk for hours about history, books, architecture and we're starting to have feelings for each other. My son can't accept this. I've been totally honest with the kids as this has progressed. He says it proves I am the whore my husband thought I was. He called me a tramp when I went out for dinner. He's left dog poo on my stairs, spills coffee on the floor on purpose when I've just cleaned it, refuses to put his stuff away and it's just everywhere. This morning I found he had tried to give my dog chillies in the night after I told him they made him very ill before. I love my son but I am now getting the same anxiety and feelings that his dad gave me. I am scared to fo certain things again. I have asked several times to talk it out but everytime I'm told to go away. I can't cope. I need him to move out. Am I being unreasonable,? I know he's in pain for a father that bullied him and I don't know where he'll go because he cant afford to move out. This time I need to protect myself. Its not about the man I've met. That is cery early days. Am I right choosing not to die inside again. Am I right choosing me?

I’m of the belief I love my kids unconditionally and would always choose to think I would never kick them out.. but this level of utter disrespect and abuse would be it for me. He needs to go. Call the police if you must.

WorriedWilma0 · 09/01/2026 18:35

How old is he?

Shellythesnail2333 · 09/01/2026 18:37

Sheshell · 09/01/2026 09:58

I was married for 30 years to a man i truly loved but who became abusive 15 years in. It became so toxic that I was totally isolated, could not go anywhere without a child with me to prove I wasn't haven't sex with someone at the shops, couldn't put the washing out to prove I wasn't jumping the fence to have sex with someone. Couldn't make any effort with myself, even brush my hair or wash too often because this was all usedas evidence of affairs. Eventually I had a breakdown and lost a couple of years of memories with my babies because I functioned on automatic. Then my partner got seriously ill. I nursed him for a year whilst still being abused. Even ambulance people would pull me aside and ask if this was a DV situation and was I ok? I stayed because he was dying. Then he died and love, relief, sadness, confusion, anger, grief all mixed up. My adult son moved back during the illness. Not to help but because he had a breakup. He didn't help with care if the house hold. This was meant to be short term. 3 months max. Then he's dad died and this timetable went out the window.
Slowly I clawed my way back to an identity. Supported my kids in their grief.
3 years later, after 2 years of counselling and a life changing trip and massive support from my extended family I am loving myself, making my own decisions and finally realising I have a future.
Recently and quite by accident I met a man who I have a lot in common with. We talk for hours about history, books, architecture and we're starting to have feelings for each other. My son can't accept this. I've been totally honest with the kids as this has progressed. He says it proves I am the whore my husband thought I was. He called me a tramp when I went out for dinner. He's left dog poo on my stairs, spills coffee on the floor on purpose when I've just cleaned it, refuses to put his stuff away and it's just everywhere. This morning I found he had tried to give my dog chillies in the night after I told him they made him very ill before. I love my son but I am now getting the same anxiety and feelings that his dad gave me. I am scared to fo certain things again. I have asked several times to talk it out but everytime I'm told to go away. I can't cope. I need him to move out. Am I being unreasonable,? I know he's in pain for a father that bullied him and I don't know where he'll go because he cant afford to move out. This time I need to protect myself. Its not about the man I've met. That is cery early days. Am I right choosing not to die inside again. Am I right choosing me?

Get him out now OP!!! Absolute little shit!!! Can’t believe what im reading?!! Youve come so far, and now your hard work is being undone by his dads carbon copy. Protect yourself op, get rid now, police if needed. He’s going to kill your poor dog at this rate, unhinged behaviour. can’t believe you even asked AIBU!! Have your other kids got ur back?

your son can’t be in your life till hes got professional help, eg therapy. No son should EVER treat his mum, or anyone, like this

WorriedWilma0 · 09/01/2026 18:37

Sorry just saw he is 24
I hope you’re okay op

loislovesstewie · 09/01/2026 18:37

ExitViaGiftShop · 09/01/2026 18:30

@aCatCalledFawkesi don’t think I am patronising. I think my response was measured and respectful. This is the OP’s life right now, it’s terrible but she needs a plan going forward to keep her safe and as a parent, I’m sure she wants her son to lead an emotionally healthy and fulfilling life. She clearly loves her son and is heartbroken.

Damage now needs to be undone through therapy and caring for self. This is an unhealthy family unit, destroyed through abuse. The abusive husband is dead and she is left pick up the pieces. This is an injustice. He basically never got held to account.

I don’t think treating victims of DV like they are 5 year old children is helpful. That IS patronising and prevents true healing and recovery from occurring. OP has agency and autonomy. Telling her none of this is her fault is untrue and perpetuates the dysfunction. It is NOT the OP’s fault that she was abused but there needs to be acknowledgment of painful truths ( she stayed in the relationship) for real change to happen for her family unit.

I wish the OP all the best and a peaceful and fulfilling life going forward. This can be achieved.

The plan she needs is to be safe from an abusive son. The best way of doing that is to tell him to leave. And to call the police if necessary. Her son needs to think about why he is an abuser and get help for it. He's an adult, if he's not careful he will carry on being an abuser for all his life. No one needs to replicate their parents lives.

aCatCalledFawkes · 09/01/2026 18:38

ExitViaGiftShop · 09/01/2026 18:30

@aCatCalledFawkesi don’t think I am patronising. I think my response was measured and respectful. This is the OP’s life right now, it’s terrible but she needs a plan going forward to keep her safe and as a parent, I’m sure she wants her son to lead an emotionally healthy and fulfilling life. She clearly loves her son and is heartbroken.

Damage now needs to be undone through therapy and caring for self. This is an unhealthy family unit, destroyed through abuse. The abusive husband is dead and she is left pick up the pieces. This is an injustice. He basically never got held to account.

I don’t think treating victims of DV like they are 5 year old children is helpful. That IS patronising and prevents true healing and recovery from occurring. OP has agency and autonomy. Telling her none of this is her fault is untrue and perpetuates the dysfunction. It is NOT the OP’s fault that she was abused but there needs to be acknowledgment of painful truths ( she stayed in the relationship) for real change to happen for her family unit.

I wish the OP all the best and a peaceful and fulfilling life going forward. This can be achieved.

Yes but also the son needs to ask for help. Unless he's sectioned or something she can't make him have therapy, she can't insist scheduled zoom calls, she can apologise forever but when does it end? When does the acknowledgment come in that she did the best she could at the time when leaving is so hard in the first place?

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