Son is breaking my heart. AIBU to make him move out

[Sheshell]

I was married for 30 years to a man i truly loved but who became abusive 15 years in. It became so toxic that I was totally isolated, could not go anywhere without a child with me to prove I wasn't haven't sex with someone at the shops, couldn't put the washing out to prove I wasn't jumping the fence to have sex with someone. Couldn't make any effort with myself, even brush my hair or wash too often because this was all usedas evidence of affairs. Eventually I had a breakdown and lost a couple of years of memories with my babies because I functioned on automatic. Then my partner got seriously ill. I nursed him for a year whilst still being abused. Even ambulance people would pull me aside and ask if this was a DV situation and was I ok? I stayed because he was dying. Then he died and love, relief, sadness, confusion, anger, grief all mixed up. My adult son moved back during the illness. Not to help but because he had a breakup. He didn't help with care if the house hold. This was meant to be short term. 3 months max. Then he's dad died and this timetable went out the window.
Slowly I clawed my way back to an identity. Supported my kids in their grief.
3 years later, after 2 years of counselling and a life changing trip and massive support from my extended family I am loving myself, making my own decisions and finally realising I have a future.
Recently and quite by accident I met a man who I have a lot in common with. We talk for hours about history, books, architecture and we're starting to have feelings for each other. My son can't accept this. I've been totally honest with the kids as this has progressed. He says it proves I am the whore my husband thought I was. He called me a tramp when I went out for dinner. He's left dog poo on my stairs, spills coffee on the floor on purpose when I've just cleaned it, refuses to put his stuff away and it's just everywhere. This morning I found he had tried to give my dog chillies in the night after I told him they made him very ill before. I love my son but I am now getting the same anxiety and feelings that his dad gave me. I am scared to fo certain things again. I have asked several times to talk it out but everytime I'm told to go away. I can't cope. I need him to move out. Am I being unreasonable,? I know he's in pain for a father that bullied him and I don't know where he'll go because he cant afford to move out. This time I need to protect myself. Its not about the man I've met. That is cery early days. Am I right choosing not to die inside again. Am I right choosing me?

He's abusive therefore you owe him nothing.

Please have him removed from your home asap. Change the locks and take out a restraining order if necessary. Don't procrastinate.

You're not responsible for being a victim of long term abuse and your subsequent breakdowns. Your son's trauma is his own. He should be dealing with it like a grown adult and seeking professional help. Not continuing his father's legacy of abuse.

Best of luck for the future. May it bring you the peace you deserve. 💐

1st poster nails it perfectly.

Unfortunately he takes after his dad, get him out.

Yes.

The son’s activities constitute animal abuse and criminal mischief, as far as I can see. OP can nit and should not condone these behaviors if only for society’s sake if not her own. Of course he is expressing learned behaviors but that is no excuse. His learned behaviors are unconscionable and illegal or immoral in any relationship, not just in a domestic ccntext. If he treats outsiders in this way he will get locked up. If he doesn’t treat co workers or strangers in this way he can control himself. She is not obligated to accept his abuse because they were both prisoners of the same man.

He is not a tenant and an eviction order is not required. Are you in England or some other country? I am referring to the law as it applies in England.

Sadly your son has learned well from his father and now you have another abuser to deal with.
He needs to move out.

My son can't accept this. I've been totally honest with the kids as this has progressed. He says it proves I am the whore my husband thought I was. He called me a tramp when I went out for dinner. He's left dog poo on my stairs, spills coffee on the floor on purpose when I've just cleaned it, refuses to put his stuff away and it's just everywhere. This morning I found he had tried to give my dog chillies in the night after I told him they made him very ill before.

Unfortunately, your son takes after his abusive father and appears to be following in his footsteps.

Boot him out.

Immediately

When he goes to work put all his clothes in a black bin liner. Leave it outside somewhere he can get to well away from your house. Change all the locks, lock the windows and doors, notify police what you have done and why.

He has no right of occupation in your house, so it doesn't matter if he is homeless.

Do this. Tell police you’ve endured DV from your deceased H and now your son is repeating it.

I would just call the police explain how its / hes been towards you and the dog.

Say you want police to be present if possible when you tell him to leave as your afraid of him due to his actions / abuse to date.

'' I hate to say this but it could just be him inheriting his father's genes. They've somehow "switched on" with adulthood. In which case there's not much you can do. My mother apologised till she was blue in the face, it hasn't made my brother any nicer. It doesn't matter how awful his childhood was, as an adult, he's responsible for his own actions. I'm so sorry for you, please get him to leave.''

I am so appalled at the misogyny and victim blaming on this thread. I just did a quick search and found that up to 80 percent of problem behaviour is genetic. It travelled on the father's Y chromosome and switched on fully in puberty.

So much easier to blame the abused mother. Becoming a mother can so easily turn into your own horror show in your own house as there are millions of abusive men who have to grow up somewhere.

He's an abuser, just like his dad. I'm so sorry OP, this sounds really frightening. You're not unreasonable at all to ask him to leave, but I think you need some help from somewhere as he might turn violent.

Sorry but you need to get your replacement abuser out of your house now. He may be your son but no way should he get acting this. Way. Report the abuse to the police, change the locks and put his clothes outside for him And get the police there if possible when I returns. Op you deserve to feel safe in your own house and your son hurting your dog is awful. Murders start with animals and you don't want to be killed by your son. Please please look after yourself and that means your son leaves now.

I am so sorry for you! This is appalling. Your son is an abuser and has to get out right away.

Put his stuff outside and change the locks and don’t let him darken your door again. Honestly sick of people making excuse after excuse for grown adult men who abuse women just because the woman is his mother rather than wife or girlfriend. You don’t need to get him therapy or try to understand any more than if you were his partner who was being abused. He is an adult and he can make his own choices. And for anyone saying it’s not his fault as he learned it from his dad well what if his dad learned it from his dad and so on? It’s not women’s problem why abusers become abusers.

It's nothing to do with being a tenant or not

I don’t follow your logic. Selling a house and moving is not how to respond to immediate threat of son.

Please don't listen to this poster! Talk about victim blaming. I had an extremely abusive childhood like many others and have never dreamed of the way this man is behaving. Rubbing dog mess on her stairs, poisoning her dogs, calling her names and living rent free!! I'm sorry but this is more than just a cry for help!
OP please please kick him out and tough if it makes him unhappy. You can't put yourself through the rest of your life like this. You've come so far. This is such an upsetting post to read. Posters may say "aw it's her son etc" but you're his mum. It works both ways.
Maybe this is the rough love he needs. He's never going up want to get help or realise he has a serious problem if you don't take this step. I wonder why his relationship broke up.
Please take care OP. I'm so sad for you xxx

No! Do not go down this route.

You are widowed and entitled to have any sort of relationship you want. You do not engage in negotiations with someone who has picked to be on Team Abuser.

He has to leave the house. He is not allowed to abuse you, and when he starts on you just ignore him. And tell him that you are ignoring tantrumming children.

You stick with facts. “Who the fuck do you think you are feeling entitled to control my life. How dare you! You, an adult, not paying your way, shouting the odds, and whining that his mother might be happy after decades of abuse. Get away from the Incels, they’ll destroy everything you touch, including your family.”

Have the police removed him yet?

I am so sorry this is happening to you.

You were abused by your husband and now you are being abused by your son (who likely learned this behaviour from his father.)

If you are in the UK contact Women’s Aid - I think they can offer advice? I would kick him out but may want a police escort doing it as he sounds dangerous.

They likely did witness abuse - abuse is not just violence. Your sons attitudes did not develop in a vacuum but none of this is your fault. Your son needs removing.

I'm so sorry you have had to go through all this. This is your time now. I'm so sorry to say that your son has learned from your abuser. He needs therapy, but you CANNOT be re-traumatised while this happens. Can you afford to help him with the rental deposit on a house share? He needs to go ASAP, and so if you can take away any barriers to that, it will help you in the long run.

Your son’s behaviour is abusive and he must leave your home. He has been damaged by watching you be abused by your husband. If he witnessed the abuse he was also a victim of it and completely powerless as a child. He was stuck in an abusive home. You and your husband failed to keep him safe. That needs to be said. You must take responsibility and be held to account for your part in this.

Do you really think you should be entering into a new relationship? Is that wise with your history? Have you received expert support in processing your experiences? I wish you and your son peace and healing.