Staying in relationship after being cheated on

[MrsFCastle]

If you have stayed with your partner after being cheated on please tell me your experience. I’d appreciate some insight be it good bad or ugly.

My friend’s hisband cheated about 20 years ago. They stayed together and he appears to have been faithful. However, she’s never forgotten it and she just doesn’t feel the same way about him as she did as she is still resentful at times. She’s almost got the ick as she has lost respect for him!

@Imsickofbeingsick that’s really sad. People stay together for practical reasons sometimes but if you’re unhappy life’s far too short to stay. Also if he’s owned his part in it, turned himself around and doing everything he can, he doesn’t deserve to be punished forever and he’d be better off leaving too if he’s getting reminded of it every day.
Staying doesn’t give anyone the right to be self-righteous, constantly right and weaponise it.
Balance of power is upended in infidelity and it’s about ultimately restoring a two way partnership, once it’s safe to do so, not reversing the skewed balance in favour of the betrayed forever, even though it needs to be that way initially.
Ultimately it’s her choice to stay unhappy if she chooses to, it wouldn’t be for me, but without knowing circumstances I’d never judge anyone. I guess all you can do is support your friend and hope she finds some kind of resolution to the way she feels. After twenty years of it that would probably be very difficult.

My partner of 20 years cheated on me, he had been lying to me for around 8 months, I kept questioning him and he gaslit me made me feel mad, then I got the truth out of him. It broke me and I stayed for my son but it destroyed my confidence, further destroyed my mental health and 3 years later he done it again and got the woman pregnant. I kicked him out and 5 years later Im happier but I'm not the same person. My son no longer has the same relationship with his Dad. It's really sad.
There were so many lies about women, work and he is not who he pretended to be for all those years. It also turned out he had been shagging my best friend when we first started dating. I'm positive there is more. Oh and I ended up with an std and had to have surgery several times because of it.

Leave, yes it will hurt, it will be hard but gradually life will become easier and you happier. Once a cheat always a cheat.

I had the opposite, kind of.

My wife was the one who had the affair. Sex had fallen off the table. If I tried to initiate anything by either saying or giving a back rub or a head or foot massage or even just snuggling. There was always a reason not to from her. Then it became a mental health thing that she needed to work out and could I just give her space physically as she'd lost all confidence (her words) so I did. And the few times it was brought up it was quickly dashed. So rejection hurt and I stopped eventually trying. Being shrugged off when you go for a hug hurts like a physical punch to the chest.

Then there were the occasional drunk nights. Where either we had been with friends or she had been out and then she wanted sex but it felt cheep that she only wanted it when she was drunk. It made me feel less.

Eventually even that went away. She had started her affair. It lasted a year almost to the day. It became physical about 9 months in. Fully physical. There had been kissing and such before but sex didnt happen for a while. Ive seen all the messages so I know the timeline.

The mental health talks and lack of confidence were lies. The shrugs were because I wasn't him.

The drunken nights were frustration and I was right to feel cheapened by them.

Affairs suck.

Sorry @AnonymouseDad

Affairs really do suck.

What happened, if you don’t mind my asking? How did you find out, and did you end it? Is she with him now? Or are you guys still together? Was the other guy married?

@AnonymouseDad I’m so sorry. To me the lies were the worst thing to be honest. All the things we’d enjoyed together that year ended up as just utter bollocks to me.
Affairs are so destructive to all involved. Hindsight is a wonderful thing and can be a huge wake up call and catalyst for change, but by then the damage is done.
The lies and betrayal hurt worse than knowing about the sex and hotels. And that in itself fucking hurt.

I found out in the worst way.
I suspected. Then i found a pregnancy test and then another. And these could not be because of me. I asked straight out what was going on.
Through intuition, detective work online and replaying every conversation we'd had i gave her a name of who I thought it was. She denied everything. A few days later it was awful. She was all over the place and getting so cross at nothing. I never ever raise my voice or anything like that. Ive never even called her a name or insulted her. In the car she said something or reacted with anger to something. I cant remember what now but it was about nothing. I said enough. And she absolutly lost it. Said she needed space to sort her head out and might go stay in a hotel for the night to just cry. I knew that wasn't it but I gave her my card to use if she needed space. I wanted to see what charges came up and I would never ever tell her what to do or demand she stay.

My card wasn't used for a hotel. Later that night after id got the kids sorted and in bed I was spiraling badly. And then my phone rang and it was her. I answered and nothing. Then a minute or so later I heard her and a man. I couldn't shout as the kids were in bed. I just froze.
I made my phone make a noise down the line and it immediately sounded muffled and then silent. A while later the call ended. And I called back. She answered. I said what I had heard. I asked who. She didnt want to say but eventually confirmed I was right. She came home.

I'm not an angry person. I stay calm always. I work in an industry that is so bizarre at times and deal with huge egos constantly that there is no place for anger, not if I want to stay in charge of every situation. And that has become me.

But I felt absolute rage and I hated it. I decided it had no place in me and would not change what happened or what I heard. So I decided to forgive. Not for her sake but for mine so I could remain calm and figure out what happens next.

We talked until the sun came up and it was hard. There was a lot of her avoiding blame.

Over the next few days she was back to zero anger and we actually got along. Like the weight of her secret life had lifted.

But that did not mean we would stay together. Both of us started looking for houses. We are both not financially reliant on each other.

I had some amazing friends who helped. Two who I needed to tell. Neither of which told me what to do which was good. My oldest friend is also my wifes best friend and who introduced us 20 plus years ago. She dropped everything and just listened and gave advice on practical things.

Myself and my wife were at an end. Packing bags and deciding on what to tell the kids. We were actually getting on well. But there was still something off with how she recalled what she did to me. Like Teflon almost for accountability but not outwardly. It was odd.

I would always do everything I can to bring humour or smiles. Especially at my own expense. You can't take yourself to seriously. And something sitcom worthy happened to me while I took our youngest to their club. It was just so embarrassing. So I had to tell her. And I did by text in graphic detail.

Our eldest was with her at home and said later it was like something inside mentally broke in my wife. She went from laughing to crying over and over and over again for quite a while and then just snapped out of it and said oh my god I do love him.

She opened up about everything. Showed me everything. Took all accountability and blame. All of the things in the last post about shrugging me off because I wasn't him. She said that and it broke her.

It was night and day different. We decided to try but i made it clear. Very clear that I knew the pain of betrayal and it almost ended me. I was taking a huge risk by opening myself up for that pain again.

The thing is. From the moment I met her something clicked in me and I can hand on heart say she is the love of my life. We share so little in common and honestly neither of us were anything like what we had looked for. But that didnt matter. I just instantly felt something id never felt before with her and over the 20 years it has only grown. I still get tingles inside when I look at her.

I knew if I walked away I would regret not trying. But I also knew it would not be easy.

And it has not been easy. I did not trust her. That had gone. I placed zero demands on anything like seeing her phone or where she could go. Thats not me. She set those boundaries for herself.

It has taken a huge amount of work and some awful dark thoughts but we have survived.

She watched a video not long ago she had recorded. It caught her talking to me. It was during the affair. She broke down as she said he tone and words to me were awful and she could not understand why I stayed even before finding out. She thinks she was trying to push me away and make me hate her so she could justify the affair. My answer was simple. I loved her and that meant more to me than some harsh words or wounded feelings. I could not picture my life anywhere else. Until I had to and then I just locked that part away and got on with it. I am glad I had the chance to unlock it again.

There isn't a day that goes by now without her hugging me or pulling me in for a kiss.

It has changed us. It took a long time but the trust is back. It wobbles sometimes in me. But without words. She always reasures me we made the right choice.

As for him. It turned out he made that call. He wanted me to find out so I'd leave. We went back to the beginning. Or more accurately my wife did while showing me all the messages. It started off with him about to lose his job and he worked sort of for her. His first messages were about his mental health and what he might do. Then loneliness. Then unlovable. All the time she supported him as she would anyone. Then after months of that came the twist. He pushed to meet new people and asked for her help. She went out every other week or so with her team. Often just for 30 minutes but sometimes for a birthday or something it would be a few drinks. He invited himself along to these and while drunk professed his love for her.
She actually told me about that at the time. She rejected him. His next messages were about how he deserved to be alone. And she was right to show him how unlovable he was. He was sorry and what came next would not be her fault. She helped him more and at the next night out he turned up again and spent the night sitting with her telling her everything she needed to hear to feel sorry for him and motherly. Then he kissed her. They were very drunk.
The next messages changed tone. He was happy and when she said it was a mistake he kept insinuating it wasn't and her husband did not need to know because can you imagine. He made mention of work colleagues too and whenever my wife pulled away his messages turned back to woe is me. It took months but eventually they were having coffee together instead of meeting at work.
My wife saw this all very differently while living it. She was hugely wrong and fully takes responsibility for where it went. She was lead by the excitement of it and then it got out of control so she just carried on. His messages during the time when they were together were very controlling. What would happen if this got out. I need to see you tomorrow as im losing control and may say the wrong thing to the wrong person.
We need to be together properly I am going to tell your husband so you will be mine. Ok if you dont want your husband to know we need to meet up at mine and talk about it.

Looking back over thise messages for her was a wake up call. God how she hates him now. And herself for going along with it. She does not place any blame on him for her own actions.

His last message that went unanswered as she blocked him was about needing to see her or he was going to end up hurting himself. She showed it to me and blocked him.

So there is a lot more to it. Day to day stuff.

I would not wish any of this on anyone. And I so wish it didnt happen to me. But I can honestly say I made, we made the right decision.

Our kids are happier too. Our youngest has no idea what changed. Our eldest figured it out and confronted me for the truth. She had some harsh words for her mum but also saw all the work she put in. She became super defensive of me. If I skip a meal she is on me as she saw me not eat for ages. She said to me just a few days ago that her standard for love is how I show it to my wife. But she also said that she would castrate anyone who cheated on her. And that she would expect no mercy if she ever cheated. She saw first hand the effects.

Writing is cathartic isnt it? Well done to anyone who manages to read all of this.

Its a pain unlike any other. I've had close friends die suddenly. Unfortunately more than once.

I've walked away from close family members after remembering the abuse they gave when I was a small child. That gave me a full breakdown that took clawing out of to deal with.

I've suffered through the worst physical pain from nerve damage. I was told i'd not walk again. I do and still work a physical job to this day despite having my nerves feel like they are on fire.

None of it comes close to the pain of the lies or the unwanted images that invade your mind.

I am sorry if you have been through this too.

@AnonymouseDad I read that outside of the death of a child it’s the worst mental pain there is.
It’s one of those things in life where unless it’s happened to you, can only imagine what it feels like.
Affairs are so hurtful, destructive, life-altering and devastating. I swear people wouldn’t do it if they could see what they were going to unleash.
The lies they tell themselves to minimise it, to give themselves permission, to justify what they’re doing, to convince themselves nobody will ever find out, are where it all starts.
If anyone ever hears themselves in their heads saying things like “Where’s the harm? It’s only x or y…… everybody does it at some time or another…he/she will never know… am I not allowed friends? If he/ she didn’t do/ say or did more x or y I wouldn’t have to look elsewhere….I deserve to be happy….it’s nothing….” or hiding messages, not telling their spouse certain things…
then they’re already well on the way to getting there.
If that’s anybody out there reading this, then please stop, you have no idea what you are about to unleash. If you think you do then think again, if you think you’re clever enough to keep it secret then think again, the truth will get out somehow.
You truly have no idea what pain and damage this does until it all unravels in front of your eyes. You will see a look in the eyes of your spouse and children that you will never want to see again and forced to live with the fact that you caused it, nobody else is to blame, just you, because it was a choice and you chose it. You will end up hurting and hating yourself too.

so true, you also will kill 100% trust sadly and in many cases they may stay but never feel quite the same about you at all - sadly this is how I felt. I think it’s particularly devastating when you had a really close relationship, great friendship etc and no signs of there being anything wrong in the relationship

Either way it is completely torturing you.

You will never know unless he tells you.

Probably best to just accept the version you want it to be and move on. If you don’t it will torture you forever and if that is going to be the case, I think I would have to leave.

You can never be sure they won’t do it again either.

@windatthewindow you’ve got all the proof you need, I’m afraid that cheaters only admit to what they absolutely have to and they minimise, omit and make what was definitely a compromising position sound plausible.
If he admits to this much, I’m afraid you’re looking at the tip of his iceberg. Photo metadata can be altered to say different times and dates and there will be messages etc that I can guarantee you, you haven’t seen and won’t.
You are going to have to decide to believe his story or not, because proof may never be forthcoming and he won’t change his story if there’s even a sniff of you believing it. Personally I’m not buying it, on discovery the minimising and omitting is huge, as they try to work out exactly what you know for sure (because they might have to admit to that) and hastily try to think if there a trail you could follow and if they need to delete it. They use what they think you know to form a plausible narrative that minimises their bad behaviour and hopefully deflects blame elsewhere. Rock bottom is when the truth tends to come out, and even then not all of it.
He hasn’t hit it yet.
Only you know if he’s worth a second chance but you need more than this from him to decide that, if what you know isn’t enough to make you want out. If he says there’s no more and you’re still not buying it, then you have a choice to make.
I’m so sorry.

How are you doing @MrsFCastle?
I know your baby was due around this time.
Hope it all went well.

I'm sorry you've been treated like this, OP. You can't control his behaviour but you can control your response to it, and the consequences you impose. If you allow him to stay, the lesson from that is that cheating means he gets in the shit with your for a while but, ultimately, nothing changes for him. Meanwhile, you're left for months/years/decades wondering if he's at it again, second-guessing whether anything he tells you is the truth, and never sure when it's safe to assume he really has changed. If he's willing to cheat on you while you're carrying his child, what does that say about his respect for you, and if there will ever be a time too precious or sacred for him to risk it by shagging around?

You deserve so much better, OP