Staying in relationship after being cheated on

[MrsFCastle]

If you have stayed with your partner after being cheated on please tell me your experience. I’d appreciate some insight be it good bad or ugly.

See THIS this is why I don’t normally post. I didn’t ask for your opinion or advice, I don’t want or need them, as I made quite clear in my post, and I gave NO details to allow you to form a valid opinion. But still you insisted on giving one.

I purposely didn't quote you or tag you because I didn't want to personalise my comment to be about your relationship.

But I am allowed to post a comment on the issue that your post, and other pp 's experiences, raise.

But that’s the problem with the standard MN “just leave it’s never worth it” response. It’s a one size fits all answer to a situation that is intensely personal and specific to the individual. I “put myself through this” if you must know because in my judgement it results in the best outcome for my particular family and situation, based on my particular husband and his subsequent actions. I’m not going to explain further because it’s none of your business. Is that the best solution for this OP? I have no idea and neither do you, because that depends on a whole lot of variables specific to her. That’s why most people’s general responses to these type of questions are completely unhelpful to OPs. They are based on the posters’ own situations, and their own husbands, or worse they’ve never been in that situation and are posting what they think they’d do. (I used to be one of the smug, arrogant “that would never happen to me and if it did I’d never stay with a cheater because I’m worth more than that” brigade btw. Real life is not that simple.)

Then don’t post about it. This is a public forum. You're going to get opinions.

I personally think it’s totally humiliating to stay in a relationship where the other one has cheated.

Yep , my Ex GF was like this, she monkey-Branched her way to someone new while still sleeping me and lying about it

And real life is not simple at all. But self respect is.

Staying with a cheater is a fear based decision, scared of the unknown, scared of finding no one else, scared of being a single parent. All understandable. But if you acted on faith and the belief you would find someone better, be able to create a better life you wouldn’t stay with someone who has blatantly demonstrated they don’t love or respect you. There are no unicorns, it’s the lie people tell themselves to be able to stay with them.

And she was cheated on her ex husband be meeting me, so I should have guessed really 🤔

The judgement for staying just makes an already horrendous situation a million times worse.
There are so many variables in cheating there can't be a one size fits all approach.
There is a difference between a man who actively goes out seeking to shag as many women as possible with no regard to his wife over many years, to a man who has a drunken snog on a night out, to a man who doesn't yet have the emotional intelligence to address the issues in his marriage so stumbles into an affair with a colleague and so on and so on.
Some cases warrant a single chance at repair, some are better advised to cut and run to avoidable inevitable pain further down the line.
It hurts to stay and it hurts to go. Most of the women who stay (Me included) are not stupid women incapable of standing on their own two feet. Nor do they lack selt respect. They've been faced with a brutally awful situation and have to make a hard decision based on what they know and with eyes open to the risks. And we are all capable of changing our minds further down the line if what's promised doesn't get delivered or words don't match actions.
There is no other hurt this painful that sees women judged for the choices they make in the face of it.

Sorry but no one ‘stumbles’ into an affair… it is an active decision to betray and disrespect you.

I know how people need to minimise and make excuses to justify staying but there really isn’t a lot of nuance. It really is quite simple.

I think after a decent amount of time has passed and there’s been enough recovery after the trauma a lot of people are able to face the truth which is why a lot of relationships take years to break down, but I get why people stay initially due to the shock and fear.

Also I kind of think if people are genuinely ok with their decision they wouldn’t be so bothered about being ‘judged’ for staying.

It baffles me why you feel the need to respond like this - it truly does.
You have a choice to be compassionate , or at least to open your mind to others lived experience. But instead you choose to pile judgement on women for making a choice we all hope you will never have to.
I hope you're less unkind in real life.

I have hardly piled on judgement - I have said multiple times it’s understandable why people try to stay. If people are sensitive to what I have said it’s because it touches a nerve.
I’m sorry the truth is so difficult for people but I actually think saying ‘there there, don’t worry, your husband is different, he will change, he was just ‘wayward’, he ‘stumbled’ into it’ is doing women a disservice in the long run.

I am sympathetic to the difficulties but I’m allowed to have an opinion and that doesn’t automatically make me unkind or judgemental.

I can also say most whoever truly reconcile don't minimise the affair. That goes for both the betrayer and the betrayed.
They don't look for excuses. They look for understanding so the same choices aren't made in the future.
The research is clear that most reconcile, most betraying spouses who reconcile don't cheat again and most of those who reconcile stay together for the long term.
If a betrayed spouse choose to leave because promises havent been kept and words dont match action - good for them! Theyve given it a go and been strong enough to walk away when it hasnt worked. I dont think an I told you so is warranted there.
You don't need to agree to be compassionate of those that have made different choices to you.

Fully agree. Honestly, it almost cost me my life. I'm not saying that lightly or dramatically. Get rid.

It depends how you define reconcile. The research is also clear that out of those who stay together, over 75% go on to separate within 5 years. There is a 300% chance the cheater will do it again. Also the point is kind of you will never know if they do it again.

I hope for your sake your husband is a unicorn! But as I said, I think it’s fallacy to pretend to people that ‘reconciliation’ is generally achievable.

No one is saying there there its all fine your husband is different you'll get over it.
We are saying it's not black and white.
Betrayed spouses need to look at the facts. They need to consider if this is something they can live with and work through.
They need to determine what their own boundaries will be and if there spouse is willing and demonstrably respecting those. They need to think about what rebuilding trust looks like. They need to seek understanding and see actions that demonstrate change and commitment.
If those conditions aren't met of course they should leave.
But suggesting that women that choose to stay are stupid, naieve of the risk or are just too weak to leave isn't true in all cases. Nor is it too that all reconciliations are doomed to fail or that all those that cheat will cheat again.

It is black and white though. You can’t genuinely love someone and cheat on them. That’s it. That’s the truth.

of course they will never admit to that because the relationship serves them. The betrayed can’t ever admit to that because staying serves them too.

It took years and lots of therapy. It also ‘helped’ that i found out immediately before lockdown 2020 - i was sorting moving out and getting my own place and then lockdown stopped it. So we were forced to stick it out.

The relationship will never be the same again but I do trust him. He was so sorry and realised what he was about to lose I know he wouldn’t go there again. Also the other woman gave him an STI which has definitely put him off casual sex for life I think #karma

We’re in a pretty good place. I don’t love him as much as I used to but I do respect he put a lot of work into being a better person. He’s a way better husband and father.

I just think real life is more complex than that. Love ebbs and flows. Just like it’s possible to love multiple children, or siblings, in different ways, I think it’s possible to compartmentalise love for your spouse and have feelings for someone else which are different.

Could you give us the source for the “research” that these figures come from? I’m fascinated by the “300% (!!) chance the cheater will do it again”. This is clearly some new and exciting maths I’ve never come across before. I would love to read the paper explaining it.

Look, your posts are arrogant, patronising and disingenuous. Not to mention mathematically impossible. I don’t understand why you’re so desperate to negate the lived experience of @Allthegoodonesareg0ne , myself, and others, who are telling you that under certain circumstances and conditions reconciling successfully is possible and indeed the best thing for our families.

What research are you referring to here?
'Couples who disclosed the affair and addressed it in therapy had a divorce rate of ~43% at 5 years, meaning 57% were still together'
This is an example of the nuance I was talking about.
It is dependent on the actions of both parties for sure.
There is more researched referenced here that evidences that reconciliation can be successful if both are committed to the repair.
How Long Do Couples Stay Together After Infidelity? – Dr Kathy Nickerson https://share.google/VczWFR9RQBe5xgVuJ

Thats not to say that everyone who is cheated on should stay. Of course they shouldn't. And the research also shows us where the real red flags are that suggest when we shouldn't.
But reconciliation is a valid choice for many. We shouldn't consider that women who've made a well thought out decision to try and stay are all naive and doomed to fail.

You can just Google it, not hard to find stats on it!

Good luck to you all anyway, but I just think the strength of the reaction to what I have said means it’s clearly touched a nerve. I’m sorry your husbands have cheated on you but I’m very sad you don’t believe life could be better. It takes a hell of a lot of denial to stay with someone who has demonstrated such blatant lack of love and disrespect. You can try and excuse it all you want.

Oh dear, now you’re just embarrassing yourself. 😂

Clearly my last post was too subtle. I’m perfectly well aware there is no source for those figures, you made them up. There is no such thing as a 300% chance of anything - a 100% chance is a certainty.

Before you start lecturing others on human relationships and science and maths perhaps try to educate yourself on both and tone down the smug arrogance a little?

Omg

as I said - touched a nerve 😕 I’m sorry that you feel literally just stating a logical conclusion (you cannot love someone and simultaneously disrespect and betray them) makes me smug, uneducated and arrogant.

the replies here have made me even more certain that staying with a cheater requires ridiculous amounts of denial. I could never do it.