@SapphireBeauI understand completely about you wanting/needing proof.
It’s very hard to end a marriage based on half truths and suspicion. You want full proof / disclosure so that you know you are doing the right thing and can have some closure and move on with certainty.
Without that, it is very hard. It’s easy for people not in the situation to say “you don’t need proof, you can leave for any reason you want”, but it’s not as simple as that, particularly where kids are involved.
My situation - due to post-natal depression, a birth injury and being made redundant whilst on maternity leave and struggling to get a job in the industry I’m qualified in and having to retrain, which meant long hours studying and away on courses whilst also working a temporary supermarket job…..we didn’t have sex for years. It was probably around 4 years, apart from once, to conceive youngest child.
I felt exhausted, depressed, fat, burnt out and sex didn’t cross my mind. Youngest two slept badly so I was usually on the floor in their room. I felt unsupported and resentful.
In hindsight, I can see both sides. He was actually doing a lot for a “dad”. But by “mum” standards (which I am held to), he wasn’t doing enough.
We weren’t getting on and I was constantly shouting at him. I knew he would have liked sex but he is quite shy and he only instigated a few times, and obviously found the rejection hard.
Towards the end of the 4 years of no sex an ex girlfriend started messaging him. He told her about our problems. She initially gave “advice” but very quickly moved onto her offering herself to him on a plate. Sexting. And plans made to meet up for sex (travel involved as she’s not local.)
I found this out through screenshots of conversations and photos on his phone a few months ago. The messsages were from 2022.
I became obsessed with finding proof that they had had sex. I cross referenced all the dates they mentioned with my camera roll and family calendar to check if he was here, then checked all the surrounding dates, and all nights he was away overnight. I could see from his camera roll etc that he was where he said he was doing what he said he was doing.
He said he couldn’t go through with it, had no intention of ever going through with it, just got caught up in the excitement and enjoyed feeling wanted. Said it felt ok / detached because it was just messages on a screen. I kind of understand that.
Quite early on in their messaging though, we started having sex again. I think because he finally pushed it a bit, probably as a result of all the sexting with her. Not nice, but ok.
And what I struggle with is that the messages continued even after we began having sex again. Instead of saying “thanks for the advice, marriage back on track, bye” they continued contact and continued to try and plan this night away together (until he told her he couldn’t go through with it).
A few months later they were at a mutual friends wedding (I wasn’t there due to another commitment). He has admitted that she dragged him off and kissed him, but said he stopped it.
It was clear that she intended for them to have sex that night and he admits this, but maintains that they didn’t.
But I don’t think I have any way of ever knowing if that’s true or not.
I can see that contact seemed to dwindle after that. Which I guess could mean one of 3 things.
- they didn’t have sex and she gave up as it wasn’t going to happen
- they did have sex and he felt guilty (our sex life was good again at this point) and he stopped contact
- they had sex and it was bad and neither wanted to do it again (unlikely).
The fact that he is quite sexually inhibited suggests to me maybe they didn’t. And he wasn’t sex starved at this point, he was having regular sex with me. We have good sex but he does find it hard to initiate, however, he would not need to initiate with her, she was very much the one chasing him.
So that’s where I am. If I had proof they had sex, while we were happy and having sex, I would split.
But could I split up my family based on messages when we were in a really dark place. I think of
those many years without sex and realise how hard it must have been for him. The lack of sex wasnt an issue for me as I had no sex drive at all.
He is a hard working man, he is handsome and generous and funny and a very good dad. We get on well and have a lot of fun together and have good sex.
I actually don’t really worry about him doing it again. Many may think I’m deluded but I don’t think he will. I’m not niave, I know he will look at other women, all men do. I’m the jealous type and don’t like it, but I know he will. I’ve never seen him doing this in real life by the way, he’s not a letch, but I could see on his phone he had screenshots of women he obviously finds attractive.
He has been distraught since all this came out. He had a panic attack, he’s lost a huge amount of weight, hasn’t been sleeping, crying all the time. I know many people will say it’s an act.
But anyway, no, I don’t think my husband will do it again. But my issue is that I am struggling to get over the fact that he did it in the first place.
If it’s true that they didn’t have sex, I can’t break my marriage up over some messages when we were going through a really bad patch. But I struggle to get them out of my head.