Staying in relationship after being cheated on

[MrsFCastle]

If you have stayed with your partner after being cheated on please tell me your experience. I’d appreciate some insight be it good bad or ugly.

I'm sorry you're going through this. Its hands down the worst thing I've been through and can't imagine handling it pregnant.
You don't need to rush a decision. What you do need to do is really look after yourself now. Do things that make you smile with people you absolutely trust who love you.
It's tempting to keep what's happened quiet but I'm so glad I told my friends, I couldn't have survived the first few weeks without them. They all accepted my choice to stay without indicating any judgement.
I was told early on leaving will hurt but staying will be harder and almost 2 years on I think that's definitely true.
I'm glad I stayed, but what we have is a new relationship and it's taking time to figure that out alongside mourning the marriage I thought I had and the man I thought he was.
It'll never be the same as it was, but I believe we have a much more honest and equitable relationship now than we did.
Whether it's worth staying depends so much on the circumstances or what happened and why and what actions he takes in the coming weeks and months. You'll go through a rollercoaster of feelings for a long time.
Be prepared, there will be lots or people who will judge you if decide to stay.
You will need to decide what your own boundaries are and be prepared to uphold them, otherwise every moment you stay will be filled with anxiety. I still don't fully trust my husband but I do trust myself now and know what my limits are.
Sending lots of love

For the Cheater to actually change they would need to start being honest and actually living honestly. To stop being cowardly and actually face the truth of the situation and themselves. That would require them to admit that they don’t love or respect you - and living that truth would be leaving. They don’t want to do that because that involves taking responsibility and sitting with shame. They continue to lie to preserve the structure of the relationship because it serves them. Everything they do is self-serving. It’s not about the OW/OM or the spouse. It’s all about them.

so no, reconciliation in any meaningful sense it not possible. And I don’t believe you can love or respect someone and cheat on them. Particularly not if it’s been going on for a long period of time / multiple affairs. Cheating on your pregnant partner is the lowest of the low. I would be terrified to be with someone like this. He is not emotionally safe to be anywhere near.

some people suppress and live in denial for years, sometimes entire lives but the relationship will never be truly honest.

I found out my husband was having an EA when I was 6 months pregnant with our second, which was only last summer. It was hell. We have separated, I just kept thinking if he can treat me like this when im pregnant how low is the bar?!

It hasn't been easy at all, but I need tk set an example for the kids and I know it would eat me alive forever if we had stayed together.

I hope you are ok. Run a mile.

I'm sorry you have taken my comment so personally.
I very often use H instead of the DH that most MNer's use so I wasn't having a dig at yours in particular. There are very many H's on MN that don't deserve the D epithet.

I understand the point you were making.

All I was doing was observing what myself, and a lot of others think about decent men and cheating.

I don't want to derail OP's thread any further. I'm sorry you took exception to my comment but I'm not going to apologise for making a valid observation.

I stayed after he had a one night stand with a work college which he regretted. 18 months later he had a longer affair with another work college and left me for her and married her. He continued to cheat on his then wife.

I’m currently staying with my cheating husband, OP.

I think my situation is different to that described by @SwanLake35, I think my husband genuinely wants to stay together, but of course I can never be sure.

i also say “cheated” but not sure if he actually ever physically did.

He was sexting an ex girlfriend while we were going through a bad patch a few years ago. Nude photos etc. Made plans to meet up for sex (she lives a 4 hour drive away) but he claims it didn’t happen and that he had no intention of going through with it.

I found out, massive fight, he moved out for a few days.

Back together (I didn’t realise the extent of it at this point) and a few months later at a friends party that I wasn’t at, she was there and kissed him “for a second” and he then stopped it.

Then nothing, it just fizzled out. Apparently.

All this had to be dragged out of him over many months. Lots of lying.

The kiss (which he apparently) put a stop to, happened when we were getting on well and were over the rough patch. I have a feeling there was more than a kiss, maybe sex, but he will never admit it and I can’t prove it.

All this came out last summer. But the resentment, jealousy, mistrust is still bubbling.

Just tonight something brought it to my mind and I asked him why the kiss? Does he think so little of me that he’ll let any woman kiss him? Or is she really so special? He couldn’t answer. Just kept saying “I don’t know”, which just isn’t good enough.

We almost split when I found out about the initial messages, yet a couple of months later he put himself in the position of that kiss (and possibly more) and I desperately want to know why. And he won’t tell me.

He cried tonight and said he can’t keep going over this. But we keep going over it because he won’t tell me.

So I don’t see myself ever getting over it. I don’t see myself trusting him in that way ever again. Sometimes I hate him. I feel inadequate, jealous, angry, hurt, resentful, embarrassed.

So why have I stayed?

Because of the kids, partly. Because financially things would be very difficult if we split. We couldn’t afford two houses, certainly nothing with a garden for the kids or in their school catchment.

Because there is nobody better out there. Aside from what he has done to me, he is a great guy. He’s pretty dependable and a decent person. He’s handsome and funny and kind and good natured and hard working. And my opinion of men is now so low that I just don’t think you can get a man like that who is also faithful. Certainly I can’t as a 44 year old, chubby, tired mum. I think most men are fucking horrible to be honest, and I include my husband in that.

Additionally, I wouldbt have another man around my young kids, so it’s a moot point anyway really.

If I split with husband, I’d have to be single. And that would just make life harder for me in so many ways, and why would I put myself though that?

He is devoted to the kids and loves family life and he is desperate not to split the family up. I just wish he would answer why he risked it all for that awful woman. She is also married and no intention of ever leaving her husband so it was never about that. It was just a horrible, seedy little bit on the side.

When we are getting on and I can forget about it we get on well and we have good sex and all is good. But I do resent him hugely. It’s not in my nature to cheat, I think it’s seedy, and I certainly wouldn’t do it for revenge….but if I met someone I was attracted to I wouldn’t be holding back because of him. I don’t feel any loyalty to him anymore.

Everything is tainted and he has fucked up our entire lives….but that’s my story, that’s why I’m staying.

As Emma Thomson says in Love Actually “would you stay? Knowing that everything would now be a bit worse?”

I understand all these reasons and I think it’s why most women stay but for me I would just feel like I was betraying myself and colluding in the lie - that is, it’s a genuine, deep, loving relationship. I’m sorry this happened. It all sounds rather sad.

they always want to keep the primary relationship, that’s why they cheat. The primary relationship serves them.

This is interesting @Taraaathat you say decent men (and women) cheat on their partners.

it’s not something you hear often.

I’ve posted my situation a minute ago (should be just above this). I think my husband is an otherwise decent person but he has totally betrayed my trust and anytime I have described him as an otherwise decent person”decent” man I’ve been ripped to shreds (by friends, and online).

it’s very difficult. On the one hand I think he is a decent, good person. On the other, I don’t know if I’ll ever get over what he’s done.

On yet another hand….if what he had done had been worse, if I found out he had met this woman for sex, I would have to end it. But I say that now, when it comes down to it, I don’t know if I could (for all the reasons listed in my previous post).

@Piggledyoure right of course, it is sad. And very frustrating that he would do this.

But he claims to have not had sex with her (and from what I can see - cross checking dates etc - he didn’t. It was “just messages” and a kiss, which he immediately stopped (apparently).

can I end a 14 year marriage over messages? I just couldn’t.

Of course I know live with the fear that it was more than messages, he did meet her for sex, and I’ll find out at some point in the future when I’ve wasted even more years with him.

I’ve told him that fear and that I want to know NOW. He insists there is nothing more to tell.

I’d like to think I’m a kind, intelligent woman. I have friends and a job and lovely children. It makes me so sad and angry and frustrated that I have ended up in this situation.

@windatthewindow i want to send you an unmumsnetty hug. That sounds hugely difficult and you sound so sad and defeated. Sending you cyber gin/flowers/voodoo dolls or whatever you need

Thank you @harriethoyle

I really feel for OP, @MrsFCastle

i often think if my husband had been “worse”, or if I had more proof (becuase of course he may well be “worse” than I know) I would leave.

In reality, I don’t know.

But it is the not knowing and feeling kind of in limbo that I struggle with. Deep down I believe he is a good man and I’m so angry that he’s let his dick ruin our whole marriage and family.

i think in your case, OP, knowing that he’d sex with someone else while I was pregnant, putting me and baby at risk, I think I’d leave.

But I can’t know that for sure, and no one knows the nuances of your situation. I’m so sorry you’re in this position.

Im going through very similar to you i just wanted to send you hugs and understand your posts totally. X 💜

I’m so sorry @SapphireBeau. It’s shit isn’t it?

Thanks all for the honest replies. Best wishes to you all x

This!!!

My husband is part of a therapy men's group for men wanting to become better men. Many of them are sex addicts/porn addicts/cheaters/drug/alcohol the ones that have successfully rebuilt their relationships have completed abuse therapy courses. Where they acknowledge they have abused their partners and need to rebuild themselves completely learning new ways of communicating, relating, empathy, transparency, radical honesty. This takes them years and is a ongoing life process/commitment. Those that have been fully committed to change are happier than ever. But they are day and night from the men they were before. It takes real hard work. Lots of men will give lip service and not actually do the work.

So if you want to even consider it op he is going to have to show you exactly how he is going to be changing himself and what measures he will be putting in place to hold him accountable. This is his responsibility to fix.

@MrsFCastleMy advice would be to run a mile. They’ve shown you who they are, believe them. I stupidly didn’t take my own advice and have just wasted another 2 years before history repeated itself.

@MrsFCastle i'm so sorry, but what he's done to you is insurmountable imo. I really hope you've got a strong support network around you xx

@windatthewindow a lot of your situation resonates with me. I found out (had always strongly suspected) a few days before Xmas about a kiss and a gropeing situation my husband had on a stag do 11 years ago when our baby was 12 months old, and I'm going round in circles with the believing that a kiss was all it was (coincidences galore) - and then replaying our whole 16 year relationship on a constant loop in my head, absolutely rammed full of TERRIBLE incidents that would get him crucified 50 times over on MN - he's not said a single word wrong in the fallout of this reveal, he offered up the admission without flinching, he's like a changed person from all the horrible things he's said to me in the longer past, he's a good dad, gorgeous, works so hard, just my best friend really but all the red flags are there aren't they. I don't know how the wronged party is ever supposed to get over being cheated on, especially when they still absolutely adore the perp.

Hi @LT1233

im so sorry you’ve been in a similar situation. It’s horrible isn’t it.

Im also struggling to believe it was just a kiss. He had a lot of freedom, he could have been anywhere and doing anything a lot of the time and I would have been none the wiser.

They arranged a date to meet in a hotel for sex. She booked transport and hotel. He told me he was going on a night out with a work friend. I said it was really bad timing as I had a lot on at that time and he said “ok, I’ll cancel”.

He was here on that date. But he could have gone another time. I’ve been over and over where he was all weekends around that date and he was here. But I’m very aware that he could have taken a days annual leave and met her for sex during the day.

and I’ll never know. Because he won’t tell me. He just denies, denies, denies.

He has cried, got so upset, apologised. But he never explains. When I ask why he just says “I don’t know”.

Ive told him I understand why / how it initially started. We weren’t getting on, we didn’t have sex for a long, long time. I can understand he was frustrated and she was offering it to him on a plate.

But we got things back on track quite soon after these messages with her began (I knew nothing about it at this time). But he continued with the sexting and continued with the plan to meet up. Then pulled out of it when I said it wasn’t convenient.

The kiss happened a few months after that.

and that’s what I can’t forgive.

he claims she kissed him and he stopped it after a second. But I’m aware that it will be worse than he’s saying, he will be minimising it.

She fully intended on havingsex with him that night. And I’ll never know if he did or not.

Even just this week I’ve asked him why. Is it because he thinks so little of me he’ll have sex with anyone who’s willing? Or is it becuase she’s so incredibly special?

He says “neither” and when I ask “why then?” he cried and said he didn’t know and he can’t keep going over it.

So that’s where we are.

i cant get over it, and he’s unwilling to tell me why it happened. So how can I believe that it’s not going to happen again?

@windatthewindow im so sorry - I don't think they ever truly know why tbh. I think they're wired differently and they lack the depth of the emotions women possess to not carry out such acts against the people we love and are devoted to. That's why we get stuck in a loop of trying to figure out why, and they get stuck in a loop of not really knowing what to say. The only thing you can take from your husband's lack of reason is that at least he didn't try to blame it on you. I truly believe all men cheat if given the opportunity (or at least 98% will), I don't believe the same high number of women. We're just left with the psychological turmoil.

So sorry OP, that must be devastating.

My only advice - and I haven't been in your situation - is to think about what is best for you. If it will be practically really hard for you to be living alone when child is born then consider trying to stay for first bit as that's what easiest and best for you and he can share burden of it etc.

And cos of what he has done you can make conditions like him really pulling his weight with the work and contributing financially.

Good luck and hope you do what is truly best for you.

Thanks @LT1233

He did blame the initial sexting on me. Due to the prolonged lack of sex.

and I’ve told him I can understand that. However, when we were back on track and having regular sex I can’t understand why he continued it, -and he can’t answer that.

we didnt have sex for years following the arrival of 3 kids in quick succession, with the last one being a very traumatic birth.

I didn’t want sex. I was exhausted and it just wasn’t on my radar. He did want sex, which do understand, but he didn’t push me. In fact he barely suggested it all.

he has revealed, since this all blew up, that he is quite sexually repressed and finds it hard to initiate, which is why the situation went on for so long. He initiated weakly a few times, I rejected his advances, so he stopped trying. But he says this is also the reason he had no intention of going through with sex with this woman, he says he just didn’t have the guts. He said it felt different because it was just through a computer screen and also he didn’t say much, it was mostly her doing the talking / initiating and he just went along with it, so it was easy and no pressure for him.

When they say they don’t know why - they do know. They just can’t tell you without you leaving or without actual consequences. It’s not that they don’t understand or are ‘wired differently’

they do it because they can, they feel entitled to, they want to, they were bored, but fundamentally, they chose it because they don’t truly respect or love you. That’s it. And obviously they can’t say that. We don’t risk losing or hurting people or things we value and love.

I did. He was contrite. Desperate to stay married.

But he wasn’t sorry really in hindsight. Sorry that he got found out and that his cushy life was at risk maybe.

He cheated again. And again and again. I found out the extent of his subsequent cheating much later after we had split.

He also developed a contempt for me and was verbally and physically abusive. This is because I had tried to get past the first episode of cheating. And he then felt I was accepting awful behaviour.

Which I suppose I was.

Please have higher standards for yourself. Cheaters always cheat. It’s who they are. They treat you with contempt because they think they can.

Don’t bother trying again. It’s really not worth it.

I agree with this.

It's a Catch 22 situaion. I'm afraid he very much knows why but is very aware admitting it will end the marriage. But if he doesn't admit it then it will continue to fester and the marriage has no chance of healing.

Also know a guy after he got caught cheating on his wife for the whole of their marriage with multiple women. She stayed for some reason. He did the whole reconciliation bit. Feigned remorse. Therapy. Cried. Even changed jobs. But confessed that really he'd been hoping she would end it for him and that they were only together for the kids, regretted marrying her, had been in love with (one of!) the (many!) OW. Was content to still lie and lure his wife into false reconciliation by not confessing any of this.

So no, they don't suddenly change when they get caught and the reasons they cheated in the first place are still there. They are self-serving, morally weak and fundamentally incapable of living with integrity. How anyone can feel emotionally safe staying with someone like this is beyond me.