Staying in relationship after being cheated on

[MrsFCastle]

If you have stayed with your partner after being cheated on please tell me your experience. I’d appreciate some insight be it good bad or ugly.

i disagree. Because I think it is bullshit.

Ofc one could grow and develop. But the damage done through betrayal and calculated deceit is immense.

it is the betrayed spouse who has to be change more. To be able to live with their partner and to live with themselves. And I don’t think the change is a good thing. It’s adapting to accept their partner has betrayed them. And still living with them. That is a lowering of standards that indicates a lack of self respect.

if one of my DCs did that to their spouse or partner, I would not regard them in the same way. My disappointment would be acute. But It’s an entirely different relationship.. Their love lives are none of my business. They are adults. They need to find their own way with honour and integrity.

Sorry but I think it’s all bullshit.

No problem. I respect your opinion.
I didn’t have to change one bit after betrayal, there were no compromises from me because his choice to be unfaithful was nothing to do with me, not my shortcomings but his to sort out. If any of it meant I’d have had to change myself in any way, we’d be divorced. His bad, his choice, his shit to sort out. I‘m not perfect but I’m absolutely not responsible for another adult’s choices or behaviour, they are. Only thing I did was make a promise to myself never to trust anyone blindly again or presume things about people would always be true over the decades or that I could predict how life events had really affected people I was close to.
A parent/ child relationship might be different, but if you believe cheats can never change then that means accepting that if your adult cheats, that’s who they are and your adult child will always be a cheat. All cheats are somebody’s son or daughter. I’d feel the same way as you but offer support for them to learn from it.
Totally respect your point of view however and appreciate your civil response.

But you have changed. You’ve been damaged. Distressed. Panicked even. This sort of behaviour really affects people.

I really really hope things work out for you. And if they don’t then bin him asap. No more chances.

@HipHopDontYouStop Christ there are no more chances, you prove you’ve changed or you don’t and if you don’t you haven’t and if you haven’t you’re out, he knows this.
I’ve had to deal with the PTSD fallout but I haven’t changed a thing about who I am, what I do or how I show up in our relationship. I didn’t cause it, he did.
One whiff of asking me to change because that’s why he cheated and he would have been out from the get go. He wasn’t driven to it, he chose.
The sad irony is that he never wanted out or for me to change, because it was never about me. Infidelity is never about the betrayed, it’s a choice you don’t have to take, nobody forces you, that’s why I don’t think there is ever an excuse. ‘Pick me’ dances are always futile, as well as humiliating, because the issue isn’t ever with the betrayed person.
Thanks for your good wishes, it was nearly seven years ago and well in the past now as far as our relationship goes.
I hang around here because I know a fair bit about it, psychology and families (through the job I had before I retired) and I help if I can, when it happened to me I had no idea there were anonymous places to turn to and the good non-judgmental advice and support on here that avoids the stereotypes would have helped me no end.
I’d never advocate staying with a cheat or shove reconciliation at anyone, or judge people who leave or people who stay, it’s too complicated and neither option is ever easy. Infidelity is a wrecking ball that leaves partners, parents, children and families severely damaged in its wake, it can cause suicide. if I ever convince one person not to do it or turn one person around or help one person survive it, together or apart, I’ll be satisfied.

You helped me very much when I was in the thick of it and beyond.
Your lack of judgement, no nonsense advice and empathy for both sides was very much appreciated.

I managed to get the courage to leave my exH. He cheated on me online etc all the time then I found out it went to physical cheating. He said he was "going for a walk" and going to the local dogging site. He had to use my laptop when his computer broke and I happened to look at the history and it all showed up. Pics of him with another woman on dogging sites etc. It ground me down so much but I accepted it as he told me no one else would want me.

I left him at 29 and met now dh the same year and we have 2 kids and have been through so many life threatening situations that I know he'd never do anything to me.

Id never ever stay with someone who cheated while I was pregnant. Its such a scary vulnerable time.

But only you can know what to do with your relationship and how to move on etc.

I wish you all the very best and please keep yourself and your baby safe.

I think he ruined it. Some people can move on and create a new relationship but it’s so hard to forget how much they hurt you. It changes what you think of them.
It changes you.

I agree that they do know why and I agree what the real reasons are except the vast majority of the time, how they feel about their partners. The person they also disrespect and don’t love is themselves when they see the impact of what they’ve done. The ability to compartmentalise is huge in affairs. Head absolutely in a bucket of sand.
People hurt those they love and value all the time to a greater or lesser degree, nobody is in a perfect relationship where they never say or do things that upset their partner. Selfish choices abound and some choose badly and some don’t, but to say never, means that affairs only ever happen in unhappy relationships, which isn’t true. They happen in relationships where somebody chooses to cheat given the opportunity and the right circumstances which enable the secret to stay secret. They don’t happen in relationships where nobody chooses to cheat even in the most tempting and easy circumstances.
Porn and sex addicts, addicts of all sorts, love their partners and families but choose to pursue their drug nevertheless. The dopamine hit from an affair is massive, it’s not like an ordinary relationship, it’s early stage relationship high on acid thanks to the illicit nature of it, the risk, the sneaking around. Some people get off on the experience rather than the other person involved, hence it’s easier to dump and run home because it was never about the other person or the partner, it was al about them and what made them feel good.
None of this is an excuse, or an apologist view, there are NO excuses for anything that is a choice, at all times it remains a choice, but people do hurt those they love, despite loving them, all the time.
Infidelity is always about the cheat, never the partner or even the other person. The partner and other person provide their internal false excuses for being a selfish shit, partner’s flaws maximised and other person’s flaws minimised, but when the internal lies and fantasy bubble bursts, they are left with nobody to blame but themselves.
Love and happiness or lack of love and happiness have nothing to do with it, your choices do.

Yeah no sorry that’s a load of BS.

you don’t love someone and cheat on them. If you think that you misunderstand what actual love is. It never fails to surprise me how much people will contort and twist a narrative so as to deny this basic fact.

Have it your way @Piggled, years of research about addiction and the complexities of dopamine effects and human psychology is bullshit. I’ll respect your opinion and leave it at that.

I dunno.

I think if someone cheats, they are telling you that you that they think you don’t have value.
By staying, you are agreeing with them.

@Pinkissmart again, I respect your opinion but won’t get drawn into judging people for their choices.
Your statement doesn’t explain why, and in a way makes no sense, in that affairs rely on secrecy precisely because the cheat values the primary partner and the relationship for whatever reasons and doesn’t want to lose it.
Affairs aren’t ever about the primary relationship and partner, or seeking a new life, that’s why most want to return. They’re about the cheat using the affair to fill a void or redeem a loss or perceived deficit of some kind ( of freedom, youth, feeling attractive etc) or reinvent themselves in a fantasy situation and just stick their head in a bucket of sand and avoid dealing with stuff. Affairs are often an ego trip and/or an emotional band aid. Cheats often have more issues than Vogue and make selfish and poor coping choices which devastate others. Their issues excuse nothing, their choices are selfish and cowardly. They know better but manipulate the truth to justify themselves. There’s no bigger coward than a cheat.
If they didn’t care, however, they’d do it in plain sight and leave without a backwards glance, or hide it then leave when they’ve sorted out somewhere else to go. So few do.
My husband values me highly and there’s nothing wrong with my self esteem.
Had I turned a blind eye to cheating and allowed it to continue I’d agree as it would be a different matter, a man who repeatedly cheats and is allowed to by his partner is indeed a whole other self-esteem/respect shitshow.
It was never, ever about either of those things.
I respect your opinion however.

@Thewookiemustgoi agree with a lot of what you say (per my previous posts I am dealing with the fallout of discovering that my DH was sexting an ex gf a few years ago when we were going through a very bad patch. Plans were made to meet up for sex but he didn’t go through with it).

I do have the self awareness to realise that a part of the reason I agree with you on a lot is because I have to. Because I’ve been cheated on (admittedly in a much less black and white way than had there been actual sex involved.) so I have to tell myself that he does value me etc.

Where I disagree somewhat is saying that he affair is never anything to do with the spouse.

In our case, it was a lot to do with me. I was horrible and I can see that now. If I hadn’t been as unpleasant and unapproachable as I was, we wouldn’t have been in a sexless relationship and he wouldn’t have been tempted by her. I’m not shouldering all the blame here, I felt unsupported and overwhelmed with young kids and losing my job. But it was very much a two way thing.

The fact that it was an ex chimes with what you are saying because I think a lot of it was reminiscing about his youth, which I completely understand is attractive when you are in the trenches with young kids. And she was handing herself to him on a plate and really stroking his ego at a time when I gave him absolutely no affection.

The one saving grace in my situation is that he didn’t go through with sex with her. If he had, things would be much harder. I still wouldn’t be in a financial position to leave him, but I don’t think I could get over it.

Ultimately I guess everybody has to draw their line somewhere and I believe that nobody knows where that line is until they are actually in that situation. and I think, like me, a lot of people’s lines are actually not where they thought they would be.

They value the primary relationship yes. It serves them in some way - obviously. Do they value the primary partner? No. perhaps what they provide and do for them, but not them as a person.
People who believe otherwise have a vested interest in doing so and will look for anything they can to justify it. You can talk about dopamine and addiction and psychology all you like but quite frankly it’s really just as simple as he didn’t value you or love enough to not stick his dick in another woman. Or try to.

@Piggled what a lovely woman you are. Thank you for your kind, open-minded and respectful debate.
If only life was as simple as you see it and people can be so easily dismissed and categorised. I wish I had your gift of knowing for an absolute fact, with no knowledge or research, everybody’s circumstances and feelings and motivations. It would have made my career a whole lot easier.

The thing is (just my opinion) that he didn’t have to cheat in response to how you perceive that you were behaving at the time, he could have communicated his unhappiness and set boundaries which made it clear he wanted change or could not continue in the relationship. Not all people who are unhappy resort to lying, betraying and abusing. Nobody is perfect but lying, gaslighting and deceiving are not excused by somebody else’s poor behaviour. You can’t control somebody else’s behaviour but you can control your own and cheating is the coward’s way out. You were responsible for how you behaved in the relationship, as was he, that’s a 50-50 responsibility. The relationship is the two-way thing, not the infidelity. He was letting you down, too, but you somehow managed to stay within the boundaries of your relationship.
The was his choice and therefore 100% his responsibility, not yours, you didn’t force him and he had other more honourable choices. By saying cheating isn’t on the betrayed, that doesn’t mean that the betrayed person is a saint or hasn’t contributed in some way to the deterioration of the relationship, if that’s the dynamic at play, but you can’t justify cheating by means of somebody else’s behaviour, it was always his responsibility entirely to police his own.
The relationship is what was going on between the two of you, with shared responsibility, but the cheating was just him, if you get me. In ‘who is responsible for the affair?’ terms, the cheating is only ever one person’s choice and responsibility.
In ‘who is responsible for the state if our relationship?’ terms, both parties have to step up honestly and own their contributions. When he was tempted by her he was still in a mutually monogamous relationship and needed to sort out the intimacy issues, his temptation should have been an alarm bell for him to talk to you sort this out, one way or another, not lie, betray you and pursue her.
Blaming yourself for his decision to act on temptation, absolves him from any responsibility for his own actions. Women are not responsible for men’s moral standards or lack of them.
Never listen to a cheat who blames you for their choice to be unfaithful, that behaviour was a unilateral choice and not an inevitability or the only option available.
It was just the easiest.
So sorry he put you through this, I hope you can heal, whatever you decide to do.

Thanks @Thewookiemustgo

The thing is, he did try to address it with me. I refused to engage.

He was sexually frustrated (understandably, it had been 4+ years of no sex). I had no sex drive so was not sexually frustrated.

So when he tried to address it, I was just angry because sex was not a priority for me at that time.

The conversation with the sex started with her giving advice on how to get things back on track with me. I initially refused to engage and unbeknownst to me their conversation (somehow) then turned to sexting and planning sex between the two of them.

Within a few weeks, I’d had time to reflect and realised we did need to get things back on track, and we started having sex again. However the sexting with her continued for another few months, resulting in a kiss, and then fizzled out, with me only discovering this a few years later.

Husband is quite shy when it comes to sex. We had a good sex life before and a really good sex life now…but he does find it hard to initiate. That’s why we went for so long without sex. I didn’t want it and whilst he did, he struggled to initiate. He did try a few times but the more I rejected him the less he tried. Which is why he found things so easy with her as she was the one doing all the chasing.

It’s all just been a bit of a mess, really.

@windatthewindow let’s agree to disagree. I see it that the lack of response from you to his issues with the relationship is still solely a relationship issue, not a free pass to rewrite the terms of your relationship and not tell you. I can see the relation between the events, but even when he had no luck explaining to you and asking for change, the moral response should have been to tell you what the consequences would be without change and if nothing changed, he should leave the relationship. It’s still no excuse for cheating.
I can see the connection but the responsibility for that choice is still his, not yours. Would you have had the same response had he said “Look, if this doesn’t change I’m already discussing this with a woman I find attractive at work and if it goes further, I won’t say no.” ? Would you have said “fair enough, that’s fine, you can sleep with somebody else because that’s totally understandable?” Did you have no objections to his texting the woman at work? If he thought it was ok and fair enough because of your reaction, why did he feel the need to keep it a secret? Because he knew it was wrong and unfair.
It’s absolutely your prerogative to accept some of the blame and see it this way, I just feel he’s very lucky that you do. I think that you’ve honestly accepted your part in the relationship, which is great, that’s the part you are responsible for, your half. I’m presuming that he stepped up and changed and sorted out his lack of effort in the relationship and was doing all he could to improve things? You see your 50% as what caused this mess. But his lack of effort contributed no doubt to your attitude too and the problems in the relationship.
He’s happy for you to shoulder it and cite your issues as a justification, but what about his issues within the relationship that contributed to the rift? What about his faulty moral compass and lack of honesty and authenticity? Did pursuing her solve these issues? Of course not, it made it all ten times worse.
You honestly didn’t cause the cheating, you were a half-share in the relationship problems. He chose it as the easiest option and used your understanding stance to justify that decision when he got caught.
However you still didn’t make him, he chose it.

Cheaters on cheating forums don’t generally talk about unmet needs, joint relationship problems or communication issues. Their posts are dripping with contempt, revenge and spite. And excitement about their “nearly got caught” moments. A lot of them revel in the power they have. Nearly all of them have unprotected sex and get off on how violated their spouse would feel if they knew.

I have said before that the reconciliation industry is worth millions. When you’ve been in therapy and also been on those forums, you see that the therapy speak is extremely generous to them.

Affairs are abuse full stop. They include all the behaviours any therapist worth their salt would label emotional and psychological abuse. Only under the label of infidelity are these behaviours explained away and the victim encouraged to reconcile.

I agree with this totally - my H had an emotional affair and I found out many years after completely by chance - we discussed it and he was adamant that it wasn’t about me or not valuing me, he wanted escapism and something ‘pleasant’ to focus on at a point when a lot of things were shit, dying mother, ( and not old) business and money issues etc . Someone else to talk to apart from me as well as was/is a joint business . I think it’s really individual thing, some guys are simply opportunistic players and always will be, others aren’t players at all, make poor choices and look for escapism when life is getting them down badly- but it can be a one off coming from too much closeness to someone already in their circle. - only you will know what breed you are dealing with

@SwanLake35 the reconciliation industry which leans on reconciling no matter what is the worst advice you can get. Absolutely agree.
There are however infidelity sites which support healing and do not advocate staying or leaving, they just give you the circumstances under which it is safe to try if you wish to stay in the relationship and give advice and support to those who want to end their relationship.
There is some invaluable support out there and good no-nonsense advice, but finding it isn’t easy amongst all the dodgy cheating apologist therapy/ unmet needs crap touted out there.
I would guess that the people on cheaters’ forums are not exactly one off cheats who are ashamed and want to put things right, They would hardly be classed as reconciliation material as they are probably still being unfaithful, have no intention of changing their behaviour and are looking for tips on how to cheat without getting caught rather than tips on how to turn themselves around. Those sites promote and enable cheating rather than attack and address it. Absolutely vile. But you can’t measure all unfaithful people by the players and disgusting characters on cheaters’ forums, they’re not a place to find the repentant.
Plenty of cheating women come on here for advice and are never asking for tips on how to cheat smarter and harder, or gloating and getting off on the thrill, they are usually ashamed and want a way out or a way to stop. Not all unfaithful people are the same.

its hard work , but if you both want to move forward you can - nay partner has made massive efforts since we reconciled after a period of separation. People say it’s brave/hard to leave - it’s just the same the other way around. Ultimately it’s unfair that you have to go through heartbreak for someone else’s selfish choices however you have to think about the future you want , and be true to yourself . People will always have a view of what you do but ultimately it’s your life to live . I don’t regret giving my partner another chance , if he fucks up again that’s on him not me- I know I have given everything I can and I can hold my head high- staying was the right choice for me in my circumstances

I bet you worked harder than he did.

@Thunderonlyhappenswhenitsraining1 exactly. Only you know your partner, situation and what you and he both want together. If you love each other and both want it, you can do it.
That’s how I feel about any situation, if I’ve tried my best and done all I can, then if it fails because of somebody else’s actions and choices, the failure is theirs, not mine. I wish you well for the future.

Its work on both sides everyday . Just because I didn’t cheat or cross a line, still doesn’t mean I didn’t have work to do , I contributed to those circumstances that led to his decisions. Does that mean he should have done it - no. I know he should have been a grown up and spoke about his feelings , rather than trying to escape them , he should not have been selfish just because he was going through something but just because he crossed the line doesn’t mean I still didn’t have work to do. And if I allow myself to get into the headspace of resenting that, if I start blaming or comparing who is working harder then how do I move forward? Likewise if I had chosen to remain separated , I would have still needed to do this work . There is no easy or simple answer in this however people love to judge.