Staying in relationship after being cheated on

[MrsFCastle]

If you have stayed with your partner after being cheated on please tell me your experience. I’d appreciate some insight be it good bad or ugly.

@windatthewindow its such a hard decision to make. I agree, with your last point. Sometimes good people do cheat and make mistakes. And sometimes it’s a one off and sometimes it’s not.

I also find the act of cheating cowardly. Something my ex told me he had to work on was being truthful and honest. There is a saying “the way you do one thing is the way you do everything” and I wonder what else he is lying about.

Your OH will need to do some soul searching to understand why he cheated. What he wants and if he will act on it.

Someone mentioned the website surviving infertility which I’d highly recommend. You will get practical tips. And you will also have access to threads from both those that have been cheated on, and more interestingly those that cheat.

No one can tell you what to do but if you choose to stay with him you will both need to start the relationship from scratch, both need to want to work towards fixing it. And both be honest with eachother.

Me and my ex have broken up. I don’t know if we will ever get back together, a part of me
wsnts to, but a huge part of me is relieved that he isn’t my problem )right now anyway). I know if we do get back together there will be plenty of conditions to start.

Oh good. The STI has put him off casual sex for life. 🤮

Not the deep betrayal of you, his wife and putting your sexual health at risk then?

What a guy. What a prize.

You've spent years and £££s on therapy intellectualising and trying to figure out why a man follows his cock.

“Oooooh touched a nerve” is not the clever riposte you appear to think it is, given how often you’ve repeated it. 😂 If you continue to argue with someone, they are likely to continue to respond and refute your arguments and make their own points. Doesn’t make your argument meaningful or valid or mean you’ve “touched a nerve”. It’s just how conversations work.

Women don’t always stay for romantic reasons.

I was 50 when my husband (58) at the time cheated and we had been together 30 years. Kids and grandkids. A nice house etc.

I didn’t want to lose all that and as I got older fidelity wasn’t something I felt as strongly about as I did when I was younger.

However, I did think what is good for the goose is good for the gander so he isn’t the only one now!

Oh god another poster intent on being rude and nasty to other women sharing their painful experiences, just because they assume they would handle if differently.

@Piggledi used to see it as black and white as you do.

Now im in the situation and am very much more of @Allthegoodonesareg0nes thinking.

No doubt you will say that’s because I have to tell myself that, but I do think it’s nuanced. And I do think my husband stumbled into it.

I was struggling with 3 kids, redundancy and postnatal depression. In hindsight, my husband did support me to the best of his ability, but I felt unsupported and resentful. We didn’t have sex for 4 years and I was horrible to him. No intimacy, no affection, didn’t even sleep in same bed (I co slept with the kids), just constant criticism for things he didn’t do.

An ex girlfriend texted him and basically offered herself on a plate to him. They sent some naked photos. They made plans to meet up for sex (she lived other end of country so required a flight and a hotel). He told me it was a work event, I said the date wasn’t convenient, he said ok I won’t go, and he didn’t.

Obviously I can’t know for sure he didn’t go another date. But I have checked back all weekends around that time and he was here.

He says he was relieved I asked him not to go. He said he never wanted to, it had gone too far. He said it was just messages on a screen, it was exciting, it was an ego boost, it was nice having something be nice to him and feel wanted.

I found out something was going on (but not the extent of it) just after this and we had a massive fight. He said contact would stop. I found out a few months ago that contact didn’t stop (he had her saved in his phone under a fake name) but does seem to have massively reduced. There are no photos or anything exchanged from this time.

then they were both at a wedding. She kissed him, he stopped her, and he says that was that.

Do I find that hard to believe? Yes.

But I can see that contact between them really did dwindle after that. Which surely it would have ramped up if something had happened?

Also, he is a shy man. He is sexually reserved and he finds it hard to initiate sex (partly why we went so long without sex). So I can see that he may well panic in tha situation.

As regards the sexting, he does find things like that difficult and is reserved. So I think it was a bit of a release for him that she was so uninhibited and taking the lead and he didn’t have to do or say much.

He says it was just messages on a screen and would never have gone any further.

Do I struggle with the fact that he was giving his time and energy and compliments to some other woman while I was struggling? Yes, massively.

But this went on for a period of around 6 months and was at the end of a 4 year period of no sex and constant unpleasantness. I do shoulder a lot of the blame for that (not all, but a lot).

Reasons I don’t want to leave: we are a happy family, we have fun. We are happy with each other too and have a good time without the kids. He’s funny, kind, handsome, good working, polite and a good dad. Other than what he’s done, I wouldn’t meet another man who measures up. I just wouldn’t.

Do I worry about him doing it again? Not really. He loves his life and knows what he would stand to lose. It was driven by the lack of sex (which I realise now was awful) during a horrible time.

So no, I actually genuinely don’t worry about him doing it again.

What I do find hard is getting over that it happened in the first place. I do feel that things are tainted now. I am a naturally jealous person and I hold grudges and I am obsessing over it.

I had no sex drive at all during those years of no sex. None. So it didn’t bother me. But our sex life has been back on track for a few years now and is very good. My sex drive is fairly high and over the past year or so there have been a couple of occasions (rare) when he hasn’t been up for it. I found the sexual frustration I felt surprising. And for the fist time I started to understand how 4 years of that would have felt.

Basically, if he hadn’t been so devoted to the kids (and, he says, me), he would have left. I think many men would. And I understand that now.

I’m not condoning what he did, it has damaged our marriage. But I do think it shows that things can be nuanced. And that leaving would make my life worse. I’d have less money, less freedom, I have limited mobility in one arm so struggle with some aspects of DIY, maintaining my home etc. I wouldn’t find another man who is as good as my husband (and I mean that objectively, I’m not viewing him through any kind of rose tinted glasses), I would miss his company as we have the same sense of humour etc.

if I ended it I would he cutting my nose off to spite my face. Yes I would make the point that I will not stand for that, but my life would be worse.

You are right that everyone's situation is different.
And I thought the usefulness of threads like this one was because it presented a variety of peoples experiences and view points.
You have no obligation to go into the details of your life. Similarly you have no idea about what I have experienced in my life.
I don't think I have ever responded to a thread on MN with a knee jerk " just leave it's never worth it" or similar blanket comment.
But that doesn't stop me feeling angry ,and sad, that pp.like yourself, who decide to stay in a relationship with a cheater, go through anguish and heartbreak when the situation was not of their choice.

@MissedItByThisMuch I fail to see how it’s ’smug and arrogant’ to leave someone that cheated on you, to know that you would definitely leave or to recognise that you are worth more.

I’ve been there. Got out of it.

A man contracting an STI that he could have passed onto his wife is absolutely foul. It is he who is nasty. It is he who not a good man. and it is he who should be kicked to the kerb.

Sometimes I think people put themselves in the path of never ending pain. A man has an affair and the woman works super hard at therapy to understand why and to try and make sure it doesn’t happen again. Why? Why should a woman put herself through that shit?

For me, the trust would be broken and I would leave. However, if you are pregnant or have children, that complicates things especially if you are not financially independent.
I sometimes think married women stay in these failed relationships because they don't know how to extract themselves.
Have you parents / relatives who you could go and live with if you can't rent somewhere yourself?
Maybe citizens advice/ local woman's refuge could help you with advice on how to leave and how to protect your interests?
( Sometimes kicking the partner out is a better option, but you need proper advice on this)
Being married, you will have clear entitlements to shares of assets and child support.
You really don't have to stay.
I'm a great believer in all women having a separate bank account so they have an escape fund if needed.

I've recently separated from my wife of 17 years. After the birth of our second child (now 14) we stopped having sex. There's been no kissing, cuddling, saying "I love you" (unless I said it first) no holding hands, absolutely nothing. Thinking I was to blame I tried hard to please her, but was constantly met with derision. I was berated if I didn't do something I was meant to do, and if I did do it then I was berated for not doing it correctly (in other words the way she would have done it). I confronted her with this all the other day and explained how I'd been unhappy and feeling unloved for nearly 14 years to which she replied . . . "I just assumed you were gay". My question is, how do I/we move on from this? I've spent so long growing away from her I can't see a way back. Any thoughts anyone?

I don’t put a kiss and some inappropriate messages after 4 years of imposed celibacy in the same category as actually having an affair.

But there is no way on this earth a man is putting his dick in some other woman and then thinking he can ever have sex with me again, sorry.

You need to start your own thread on this.

Yes, @Piggledi feel the same way.

My issue is,

1. He intended to have sex with her. Plans were made. Which makes me angry, even if he didn’t go through with it. But I now have to trust that he actually didn’t go through with it. Which is hard to do. I don’t think I could trust his word on this. But I have hunted for evidence and can’t find any, and I can’t find a time that he would have had the opportunity to do it.

2. I used to think I would draw the line long before full sex. I used to think I would draw the line at sexting or whatever. But that’s what’s happened and I’m still here. So you never really know where you would draw the line until you are in the situation.

But I agree sex would be a dealbreaker. Apart from th betrayal it’s putting your partner at risk from all sorts of STI’s and what not, plus it’s just downright skanky.

Yes, @Piggledi feel the same way.

My issue is,

1. He intended to have sex with her. Plans were made. Which makes me angry, even if he didn’t go through with it. But I now have to trust that he actually didn’t go through with it. Which is hard to do. I don’t think I could trust his word on this. But I have hunted for evidence and can’t find any, and I can’t find a time that he would have had the opportunity to do it.

2. I used to think I would draw the line long before full sex. I used to think I would draw the line at sexting or whatever. But that’s what’s happened and I’m still here. So you never really know where you would draw the line until you are in the situation.

But I agree sex would be a dealbreaker. Apart from th betrayal it’s putting your partner at risk from all sorts of STI’s and what not, plus it’s just downright skanky.

Ah ok, sorry I didnt realise he was actively making plans to cheat. I would have left. That is hardly stumbling into it is it….

@Piggledits in my post below.

they discussed dates. She booked a flight and hotel. He told her he couldn’t go through with it.

I know right! I regret staying now as it’s scarred me for life I think. Don’t think I could ever trust again which is sad as I used to be very different. Now all I think is why invest in a person when x number of years down the line they replace you. Hopefully the feeling passes and I can let my walls down one day.

I stayed, he cheated again within months with both the same and a different woman. Both nearly 20 years younger than him. We had 3 young children including a baby. The whole experience did untold damage to my mental health. I should have made the decision to divorce straight away. This was a long time ago now, I'm so glad that he is no longer in my life. At the time it was devastating these days he's mostly a tedious irrelevance. For the sake of your sanity I would be very cautious about staying. I'm so sorry you are going through this, it is a terrible thing to go through, but you will come through it I promise.

Because decent people never do any wrong, never take a wrong turn in their lives, all cheaters (especially men) are irredeemable scum who will absolutely do it again the second your back is turned. If they want to stay with you and not divorce you it’s always only because they are too cowardly to leave, or don’t want to lose money or assets or a comfortable life, secretly they are cynically using you and planing their next betrayal. Never forget that they didn’t stay because they want you or love you and have realised what they stand to lose or what real love actually looks like, they actually loathe you and are only being nice to you to get you to lol the other way, then they are constantly on the lookout to cheat on you again and probably spend their evil days only pretending to be relieved and happy and actually spend the rest of their dammed existence wishing you were somebody else.
If you’re a cheating woman or an OW then this doesn’t apply, obviously you must have totally understandable reasons for your behaviour and a shit husband and/ or be trapped and tormented, usually in a dead marriage which is his always his fault, not yours, you were an unappreciated saint who never put a foot wrong. If you are called out on your behaviour don’t worry, you are usually told to ignore the censure as it’s obviously written by bitter deluded old women who stayed with a cheating husband and want to blame OW and not their husbands.
Black/ white and grey are the colours usually bandied about. Grey areas and the word ‘nuanced’ usually apply to cheating women, who get a free cheating pass if they’re unhappy, with men it’s only ever black and white because they’re all irredeemable nasty bastards and don’t you forget it.
If you stay with a cheat you are gullible at best but usually a shameful doormat to be judged and despised with no self-esteem, no standards and a low bar for what constitutes a relationship because men never change or grow or have epiphanies of any kind, they’re always lying and are incapable of self reflection or growth, they cannot ever change their spots.
Redemption, change and personal growth only applies to women, except those who stay with a cheat of course, they’re just weak and deluded and lying to themselves.
Welcome to Mumsnet.
Written with tongue in cheek.
Kind of….

OP you’ll never get a balanced view on here about cheating, all you can do is read people’s personal experiences and decide what resonates with you, your partner and your relationship. One size doesn’t fit all, some people can go on to have happy marriages and some can’t. Some cheat again and some don’t. Only you know what is best for you. Use this page like a takeaway, just choose the dishes that suit your situation best, there’s no absolute right or wrong here, just opinions. What happened to somebody else might not happen to you, but equally, it might.
Only you know ultimately what is best for you.

Nah. one size does fit all. People who choose to betray and hurt their partners and their families are not going to change. Decent people don’t do this to their loved ones. It’s not about taking a wrong turn - (minimising much? did your partner cheat by any chance?) - it’s an active choice by an adult.

Cheaters always test boundaries. Men or women. Once you accept those broken boundaries, you’re condemning yourself to doubt, pain and a lack of self respect.

Stop excusing it.

Oh do fuck off with your deluded old woman talk.

Don't come to a mainly female site if the replies are going to trigger you. Go over to the mans side of the net and there you will find the responses that you might agree with.

We stayed together after my wife of 20 years had a year long affair.
There is a whole thread on here about how I found out and what happened next.
We were at separation and divorce. Bags packed.
We were actually getting along quite well as the pressure of keeping thay huge secret had lifted and my wife was back to being fun and kind.
During the affair she was horrible to me. Just the way she spoke and reacted to everything.
Even our best friends had pulled her up on it. But I stayed during that time as I knew she suffered from mental health issues and wanted to support her regardless of myself.
After I found out in the worst possible way. I did forgive her. Not absolve her. I just didnt want to hate her so I did that for myself. It did not excuse what she did and it did not mean I would stay.
Something happened a while later when we were at the point of leaving. I made her laugh. And it broke her completely.
From that moment she held nothing back about the affair. Didn't try and assign blame or dodge it.
We went to counselling and found other methods of making us communicate about things we never talked about.
It took awhile but we reconciled slowly.

Certain people know of the affair. Our teenage daughters found out and became very protective of me. Our best friends know as I told them. I needed help and they were there without judgement.
There are wobbles and there are dark days when I cannot get what happened out of my head.
But there is love and acceptance.
Our relationship has changed fundamentally.
There are moments when my wife looks back on old videos from that time of us and hears how she talks to me and she cannot understand how I stayed as in her words she was horrible to me.
Do I have doubts and fears it will happen again? At times I do. But then she will say something or do something that eliminates those fears.
She saw how much dame was done by her actions. She saw what she was losing from her actions. (Her words). And if she ever feels like we are not enough she will talk and if we leave each other then then so be it. We dont need each other financially. We are not in a position where we can't be alone for practical reasons.
I am sorry you are going through this. It is the worst thing I've ever experienced and it broke me completely. If you stay together. Just know this. You are not to blame. Do not listen to what others tell you to do. Make up your own mind.

@Highlighta Sorry I have made you so angry, it wasn’t meant to be taken literally and I didn’t make that as clear as I thought I did.
Just writing a tongue in cheek précis of what I’ve actually read here over the years (in places these are direct quotes) on this forum written, sadly, by women. Not by me. Not one of these opinions is my own.
Most of these women I am quoting were probably younger than me too and these aren’t my personal views at all.
It’s just a fact, you can find this stuff anywhere on this forum and you don’t need a crystal ball to predict where cheating threads go, depending on the initial OP’s issue and which part of the triangle the OP occupies.
I wasn’t triggered by anything in the way that my tongue in cheek post has clearly triggered you, just warning that the same old tropes are in danger of being being trotted out, my last paragraph is my actual advice to OP.
If you took what I wrote literally as my personal viewpoint then I suggest you read more carefully as you’ve missed the point entirely, I did state that this narrative was not my own standpoint (hence my tongue in cheek comment) yet you clearly think they are, got very angry and chose to swear at me and use ageist comments against me in response. Your choice of course, but an unfortunate one. Not all things you read are to be taken literally.
I was pointing out in a satirical way that you don’t get balanced views on this forum, and illustrated that by quoting some of the most extreme and blinkered views I’ve found on here. Because they are here day in day out. Written by women of all ages.
When you come here with an infidelity crisis the black/ white views can have a shaming or a demoralising effect and even when true, can be unhelpful. Didn’t think it needed the disclaimer because it’s full of common jaded Mumsnet stereotypes in it’s extremity but apparently it does.
I apologise for offending you, it was not my intention to trigger anyone to the point of personal insults in this fashion.
To anyone else who thinks it was literally word for word my personal viewpoint: it isn’t.

@HipHopDontYouStop yes, my partner cheated on me and I’ve never felt the need to hide that on here.
I’m not an infidelity apologist at all, and I minimise nothing. It’s one of the very worst things you can do to anybody and there are no excuses for it. Wrongdoing is wrongdoing. Being sorry doesn’t make what you did any less wrong.
It’s when you’ve taken that turn in your life (I define it as a turn taken in the road because it is a turning point, you can say no, cheating is a choice, you take that decision and you’ve turned from being faithful to unfaithful, but that analogy minimises nothing) that you either realise what a shit you’ve been, learn from it and turn yourself around or yes, your actions will continue to define and damn you.
Would you permanently disown an adult child who cheated on their spouse or (after telling them exactly what you think of their behaviour) or try to help them to learn and change?
I just believe in personal growth. I have no time for serial cheaters at all. When you’ve blown your world apart you can either shrug and blame somebody else for your wrongdoing and therefore will no doubt do it again, or do you take responsibility for what you did and realise you’ve got to do something about yourself because you’ve dropped way below your own standards, let alone anyone else’s. It’s not popular here but I know people do change if they want to, otherwise we might as well just shoot every addict and criminal if leopards never change their spots, because probation, therapy, psychology and redemption must be a waste of time. That viewpoint also means that we’re all permanently defined by every wrong thing we ever did and since nobody is perfect, you must therefore define yourself by all the bad things you ever did because you think behaviour change is impossible.
I’ve done stuff I regret and done and said stuff I’m not proud of in my life, but it doesn’t define me because I learned from it and didn’t do it again. People who have stolen don’t always remain thieves, people who have taken drugs don’t always remain addicts. People who have cheated don’t always remain cheats. It’s a sad world which views people like that and makes life’s journey pretty pointless if growth isn’t possible.
I agree though that change doesn’t always guarantee reconciliation, for many infidelity in a relationship is a absolute deal breaker even if the unfaithful partner does everything right, and that’s totally understandable and absolutely their choice. I would never condemn anyone for their personal choices, I don’t ever presume that I know enough about them and their situation here anyway.
I respect your viewpoint but I think people can and do change if they want to. A belief in change doesn’t make you an apologist. Those who don’t change and learn nothing aren’t safe partners at all and yes, I agree, will probably do it again.