Dating thread 54-New year new irons?

[bluedabadeedabadoo]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating -Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

Our insecurities are unique to us, I think they are entirely rational in the moment if that makes sense, it's only when I look back on them they seem less so?

Yes, I think I might say I'd like just a little bit more and earlier communication, I'll gauge the moment ...

How do you think you can tell whether or not a man will stick around after sex? As I head towards date 4 with Mr Soughdough I am thinking about this: I've had mixed experiences, but wonder if there is anything I should look out for that signals they might be a keeper and not just a shagger?

Good luck for your date!
I’ve got no advice but very interested to hear what others think… I’m wondering the same about Mr Charismatic.

I'm not sure you can but I think the odds improve the longer you know him.

Might be a new iron (Mr Hose).

I may have upset him by telling him I'll swap numbers if we arrange to meet. We'll see.

Went on another date tonight and he seemed keen but I wasn’t feeling it. Back to the drawing board but I have another date booked with someone else in 2 weeks’ time.

I think if you have got to date 3 without him initiating or engineering sex, this is a good sign. Or constantly trying to turn the chat sexual but I know he isn’t a texter anyway is he.

How a man responds when you put a boundary down tells you everything you need to know. His only response to you withholding your number until you meet is to be okay with it, anything else is not okay.

He’s never said anything sexual during app chat or brief texts, Keen on kissing at the end of the second date, but he did ask first.

I don't know if I am the best person to answer as I honestly only had two experiences in my life where a guy disappeared after sex. Both times it was IRL meeting (once at a work party in a bar, the other at a gig). Sex was fast. First guy had sex with me for a couple of times, the second one ghosted right away.
So... based on that experience I'd say look at their overall demeanor - are they connecting with you in other ways? Check in, ask about your life experience, interests, inner world. Offer something about theirs. Or are conversations mostly superficial (hey, how's your day been). Are they thoughtful and proactive. Are they reasonably and appropriately emotionally restrained in the beginning stages - no future faking, proclaiming their undying love etc.
Most importantly, you shouldn't get emotionally involved yourself at the beginning stages. I never ask myself a question "will he stick around after sex". It doesn't even cross my mind. I may not want to stick around after sex myself, you know. Happens much more frequently, in my experience 😉

“Check in, ask about your life experience, interests, inner world.” Errr… no he hasn’t done this, neither has any man I’ve ever dated! We have quite a lot in common (work and interests) so tend to both talk about those things, but he doesn’t ask me many questions. Hmmmmm…

@rubberduck68 thanks and he accepted it without demur so that's good.

I think don't shag the guy who answers no questions unless you're happy to walk away without a backward glance.

Who are these guys pushing for sex on second and third date, they sound very young or rough as f. Though that may be my age talking 😅

You would hope they grow out of it but me and my friends have all had experiences of men looking for sex straightaway and we’re all late 50’s early 60’s

And unfortunately these men are out there putting on a good act to get dates before they reveal themselves.

My mate is 61 and had a date with a man who pretty much demanded sex in the pub car park because he paid for dinner (with a BOGOF voucher) then asked her to transfer her half of the bill when she refused to shag him!

I had what I thought was a great date a couple of years ago until he walked me to my car then pushed me up against the car park wall and tried to ram his tongue down my throat and grope me - in broad daylight in a busy high street!

You would hope they grow out of being fuckboys by almost pension age but seems not

How hideous!

I must be really lucky then, or they just don't fancy me 😁

I don't always ask questions but I create a lot of space for them to talk and listen actively. Even if we are sharing stories in a more natural way, there is a sense that the conversation is thoughtful and ongoing.
I remember my ex whose eyes used to glaze over every time I start talking or, if I told a story, there was no carrying a conversation. He would get distracted and start a completely different topic talking about himself. He didn't disappear after sex but the whole relationship ended up carrying on in similar fashion where I didn't really feel seen. So my bullshit radar is fully operational at this point.

So I had 4th date with Mr Cheval last night. It’s all happened very quickly- 4 dates in 8 days. I think it’s junked out that way as we both know it can be hard to meet due to parenting schedules so are just scheduling them in at first opportunity and have actually managed 4 in a week. Things got a bit spicy over text the last few days so we ended up at his last night. We didn’t DTD but were intimate in other ways. Im
not sure if it’s me not having much luck or or sex for a man in his forties is a struggle. He struggled to get an erection then when he did came straight away before sex/ me giving oral. Don’t get me wrong he was very giving though and focussed on my pleasure. This is the 4th person I’ve been intimate with in the last few months and 3 out of the four have struggled with erections/ keeping condoms on so sex hasn’t progressed in full. Hopefully it was first time nerves! I did have a nice time but still don’t feel 100% attracted to him. It did feel really natural and easy, both during intimacy and afterwards chatting in bed and cooking food together.

At this stage in the ED drug game, I am going to suggest that a guy who knows this may be an issue probably has options for handling it - isn't it just part of sexual health?

I’m so sorry that guy pushed you up against the wall and shoved his tongue down your throat, what a horrible experience! Yeah, I have met men who pushed for sex really fast, if you’re not giving out any signals that that’s what you want, I just think it’s grim.

I don’t know. It’s all new to me. I haven’t experienced this before. The others put it down to condoms but Mr Cheval hasn’t spoken about it so I don’t know if it is usually a problem. He was nervous as I was his first encounter since his marriage broke up, so he hasn’t slept with anyone except her for 8+ years until now.

I think you need to find out if it's nerves or an ongoing problem. The only way to do that is to gently bring it up next time you are together (not in bed) My best friend has a mantra, "if you can't talk about sex you shouldn't be doing it," which includes that she talks about what she wants (and not) before having sex with men. She is much bolder than I am, but I do think she has a point.

Four dates in eight days feels like love bomber territory - they like to move fast to create intimacy that isn't there. But it sounds like you both wanted to date fast at the outset, so if you are okay with it then that's better than him pushing for lots of dates in one week?

Yea I am very conscious of this. I don’t get this vibe from him but I am cautious. He’s certainly not coming across as love bombing in his communication such as showering with compliments, committing too soon etc. It will be nearly a week now til we see each other which we both knew would be the situation at times (if things were to continue) because of parenting schedules but it’s just happened that this last week we have been able to slot dates in which won’t be possible this next week. I think we both felt it’s better to meet a few times close together early on than drag it out and still not amount to anything.

Yer so we have had some messaging this morning and although not spoke about it explicitly he has alluded to the fact it was nerves. I’ll let it slide this time but if it happens again I’ll gently bring it up.

I stayed at Mr Scenesters on Saturday, mainly cause we like spending time together and I didn’t feel like I wanted to leave him, not because I felt there was any massive pressure to have sex. There was a bit of ED going on there too which I’ve never experienced before so I wasn’t really sure what to do/say. I think I might be the first since he separated from his wife a few years ago, he was with her for over a decade before that so it’s possible there hasn't been anyone else in a long time. He seemed to want to be held close and we stayed in bed chatting and snuggling for hours the next morning but he didn’t try to make a move so I’m not sure what’s happening there. It’s not like he’s disappeared either, we’re seeing each other again this week, do I just go with it?