Dating thread 54-New year new irons?

[bluedabadeedabadoo]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating -Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

I’d say please don’t ghost after a date as that’s rude and cowardly.

I either say it was lovely yo meet you but I didn’t feel we had a spark or we are looking for different things.

Well done for taking first step though

He did on Thursday to confirm meeting the next night, then when we parted on Friday, he said he’d call me.

Step away from his house. Call a friend!

If I’ve met them in person, a text saying how much you enjoyed their company but you didn’t really feel there was a romantic connection, and wish them well in their future dating endeavours. keep it friendly but be firm.

I know. I’ve got GFs at this end saying oh just text him he’s asked you out three times, It’s your turn blah blah blah, but every fibre of my being is screaming at me not to do that! Also, surely if he really likes me then me not texting him isn’t gonna be an issue on this occasion- the whole kind of if he wants to he will?

You are not going to disappoint or hurt someone after one date. If they are hurt and disappointed after one drink with you, they shouldn't be dating as they are not emotionally stable enough. It's perfectly fine to take a little time to think rather than commit to the second date right away and if the answer is no, simply text to say that last night was lovely but the spark wasn't there for you and you wish them all the best.

It was a pleasant date with MsCamping, but certainly no spark. It's a shame as our conversations seemed good. I've messaged to say I didn't feel the spark and wished her well.

This is a great thread and has been super helpful.

Still tumbleweed from Mr Soughdough since Friday. It was such a great date. He did take three days to message me back after the first date, I think maybe two after the second, I can’t quite remember now but he takes his time so maybe it doesn’t mean anything. Mr. Hair wants to take me for a coffee, I think I might go, it will take my mind off Mr. S at least!

That would drive me crackers . I‘m not one for constant messaging but 3 days is too much for me

So another question, as you lot are super great and helpful to find out the real truth!

Example Situation - you match with someone. Your profile has some information about you but not a huge amount and your pictures are mostly selfies with one of you and your dog. I'm avoiding the simple 'Hi' and ask about the dog, as its really the only thing to go on with the profile I can lead with.

You get a short brief factual response with no follow up question and nothing meaningful to respond to.

That leads me to think:

1. My opening question is just boring and need to try harder.
2. You are just not interested in the match and respond out of politeness.
3. You are expecting me to try and keep the conversation going.

It's happened a few times, and I am wondering if its just me, and I am not being funny or engaging enough? Surely it requires some faith that the conversation could lead to somewhere and at least get past the first awkard questions?!

I'm starting to loath online dating. Where is an Asda red basket when you need one.

I am feeling crackers. I told him I don’t want a text relationship, but honestly the not knowing is tough because of course so many people do end up ghosting, I just don’t know where I am with him at the moment, but I guess that’s normal in the early stages of dating?

My advice would be to maybe avoid profiles where not much is said at all. But also, from a female perspective (and I don't know what it's like for a guy) my involvement in the first couple of messages is pretty minimal unless the guy shows effort. Simply because 99.9% of conversations drop instantly. However, I do have plenty in my profile that people can ask me about so I ignore all the "hi, how's your day" low-effort messages in general.

Messages don't have to end with a question for you to be able to respond. You can offer your own experiences with dogs - i.e. "when I was growing up, we had a dog called X and he loved doing Y and I still think fondly of Z" or something...

But yes, no information = no match for me because it shows that the person either don't know who they are, what they want or can't be arsed altogether. Same for profiles which for relationship goals state "still figuring it out". If someone is still figuring it out at 40+, they can go and do that with someone else and come back when they have.

There you go. A bit of a dating advice from a ruthless female 😅

Some of my best dating experiences have been with men who take the time to read my profile and respond to things that I’ve said particularly the hinge prompts which are more detailed. I absolutely do not match with the high how are you men? Mr. Soughdough who I have now had three dates with - each of his messages for the first few days were about things I’d written on my profile.

@OptimisticFather You need to be resilient and discontinue any conversations that feel too much like hard work. It should be both parties making an effort otherwise one isn’t interested or ready to date.
My profile has a bit of detail on and the guys I’ve dated have been able to ask questions or share experiences if they can be bothered to try. I do the same. Current guy started a conversation about one of my photos and we realised we have the same hobby. We’d had a brief conversation early on about drinks and on our first date he went to the bar in a place with a huge drinks menu and bought me exactly what I like which is quite specific. He listened and remembered which was a huge plus. Reciprocated effort is very attractive. Otherwise you’re flogging a dead horse. Be more selective in who you continue conversations with.

Well it's not giving romantic is it 😆

Me Soughdough phoned and booked in date number 4. 3 days after date number 3. I think this is just how he rolls?

@rubberduck68 I suppose it’s just getting used to how he communicates? It is so hard though, I’ve been using chat GPT to help me make sense of lulls in communication with Mr Scenester, it’s keeping me sane and stopping me from spiralling so much.

So hard - I might need to ask it about Mr Soughdough too!

@rubberduck68@PinkNeonSign I use chat gpt all the time as a means of managing communication anxiety with dates. Im hang it less and less so think it’s helping although I have had some therapy too but chat gpt definitely helps in the moment when you are spiralling.

@rubberduck68 well done - good news about Mr Sourdough!

I did not contact MrX and there is nothing doing here at all iron-wise.

I did accidentally match with someone lovely when away at the weekend but I'm not doing an LDR again.

@Nosdacariad well done for not making contact! @rubberduck68if you know that is his communication style and you can accept that then I’d say all is good. I know I wouldn’t be able to go that long without communication without my anxiety spiralling!

I think because when I do hear from him he's intentional and arranges dates, I am letting the long gaps go. By this stage with toxic exes I was waking up to "good morning beautiful" every day, and being messaged all day long, but it meant absolutely nothing because they were as deep as a puddle once we got established

That will change. A few weeks ago it was an iron desert for me too, and then up they pop. I think as we head to spring they might all start showing up, a bit like bulbs and flowers!! I know at this time of year I just want to stay in a lot and even the thought of trudging out for a date is unappealing!

I hear you on the staying in.

How would it feel to raise the comms issue with Mr Sourdough? It might yield some good info about him.

Yeah. I find it useful, I get anxious but there’s really nothing to get anxious about, better to thrash it out with AI than expose all my insecurities to another person, especially when most of the time, my insecurities are totally irrational.