Dating thread 54-New year new irons?

[bluedabadeedabadoo]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating -Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

I have not heard from Mr Soughdough so maybe that was the last date. I think I am wanting to be forgiving about the end of last night's date because I really like him, and I haven't really liked anyone for so long, I'd kind of forgotten what it feels like given the grim pickings out there.

I don’t shop in Asda either, don’t even have one close to me!

I hear M&S is always a good bet, but as a 38 year old single woman I find myself elbowed from the aisles by all the 80 year olds! 🫣

I normally shop in M&S or Tesco, so maybe I will sacrifice the clubcard points and just shop in M&S. I'm looking for someone slightly less than 80 though!

Well 3rd date with Mr Cheval tomorrow. Walk and breakfast. We are very similar in many ways, our communication styles match, he is keen but not OTT, we want the same things out of dating (however haven’t discussed what we want out of relationship yet) but 2 things are playing on my mind. 1 I can’t say I really fancy him (but happily kissed him and would again so there is something there! And the fact he told me he has 2 daughters but only talks about 1. This in particular is playing on my mind. I’ve always have strong views about parents who are not part of their children’s lives so I am worried that the answer to this may be the end. I’m also worried that I’ll only know his version. I suppose I’m reading too far ahead but the more I think the more worries me. I do need to bring this up tomorrow

@bluedabadeedabadoo the only thing you can do is ask x

Yep. I’ve good a huge M&S near me and tbh it’s like a remake of Cocoon in there. Though to be fair I’ve had men that sort of age message me on OLD usually telling me age is only a number - bless ya Harold 😂

I hope the date goes well tomorrow. I didn't fancy Mr Soughdough until later in the date, it can grow. As for the second child, have you asked about them? His response will be telling: if he is cagey or defensive then yes, something might be amiss, but it could just be that he has more in common with the first child, or more recent stories to share about them. Perhaps that child is more outgoing, and the other one quiet, who knows. Gently enquire. Personally, I wouldn't talk about my children on a date at all until I know someone quite well, so he might just feel he's overshared about one of them already...

No I didn’t ask as it only really dawned on me at the end of the 2nd date and I didn’t want to ask over text. It’s not the talking about the child/ren, it’s jus obvious that he is only talking about 1 child when he is just talking about things in general such as when she is in bed, when he has her, when he has mentioned her mum etc and once mentioned her by name. He did talk in a bit more detail once but again only about the 1. Initially I feel that he purposely avoided answering questions that were child specific and any answers about children he gave could have been 1 or 2 but now it’s obvious.

@bluedabadeedabadoo I think rip the plaster off before you get too invested. It might just be something misunderstood. Agree, its a huge red flag to me when the man cant see the kids.

I have been lurking on this thread for a while and have been enjoying the shared experience of what are the peaks and troughs of modern dating. It feels like really slim pickings out there at the moment.

I was talking to Mr Chalk for about a week. He was indicating that he was keen to meet and enjoying talking and were going to meet after he got back from a trip. He stopped replying mid conversation a couple of days ago so I am guessing he isn't interested anymore and even if he is, I feel weird about the sudden silence.

I also met Mr Energy in the wild about a month ago. This has been more of a physical thing but there has been talking in between. This feels like it is fizzling too and even though I am not interested in a relationship with him, he doesn't ask me any questions and is currently going through a hard time so talks about that a lot. I still find it hard to not reply or leave him on read. It is fun when we are together. But I am starting to find his disinterest has an little impact where it didn't before. Which is frustrating.

The apps feel pretty barren and I am finding the whole thing a bit exhausting and boring. Despite this I actually feel in a really good place after a horrible break a few years ago and becoming a single mum. I am in my early 30s and recognise lots of men don't want to meet someone with a children. Feeling a little bit fed up with it all.

Sorry for all that self indulgence. I hope I can join you all in this community you have built? Good luck to those of you who have dates or some promising connections forming.

Hello and welcome to the thread. I know some are finding the apps depressing at the minute. If I’ve got no irons I tend to just keep doing, let the latches build up (usually can get to 8-10 quite quickly using most of the common apps) and then start again once they have dried up.

@Stargull welcome! As a single mum in my 30s I met and married my DH and we were together for 18 years until he died so although it's a sad ending it does happen. He was childfree at the time.

@bluedabadeedabadoo are the two children of different genders/have different Mums?

@Nosdacariad
Gender is the same. The mums bit hadn’t bit hasn’t been mentioned but they have to be different. There is an 8 year age gap. I thought I was going crazy so went back to the message to check and it definitely said 2 and their ages.

I am now invested in this thread!

A couple of questions.. how long do you talk for before arranging a date? I've had quite a few messages over the last 24 hours with someone, who I shall refer to as MsCamping and we seem to be getting on. Do I just ask?

I hate the back and fourth and would rather just go out and see if there is some chemistry.

Also someone mentioned in an earlier post about not being many men willing to date someone with children. As a father of one, I've currently set my filters to someone who has children, I think because I have this belief they will understand what our day to day life is like.. Am I being too restrictive? Interested to hear what the other view is!

@OptimisticFather I did date someone for around 6 months who had a daughter last year. The challenge I found was that our custody arrangements weren't the most compatible and we would sometimes go a long time without seeing each other which I found hard. I was also conscious of the challenge if the children didn't get on. But I guess it depends on individual circumstances. I think a lot of my friends without children would be open to dating someone with a child. In terms of talking for how long. I prefer at least a few days of talking to make sure that there is some kind of shared interest but I know others prefer to do it quicker.

@Nosdacariad that is really lovely to hear. I am sorry that you lost your husband. I appreciate you sharing your story.

@bluedabadeedabadoo I am definitely much slower to get bites. The venn diagram between people I like and who like me does not have much on the middle! In terms of your conundrum it feels like bringing it up in conversation next time you see him and checking his reaction might be the best way. Then check in with yourself and see if it sits better with you?

@OptimisticFather I dated someone for a while with no kids and in the end, it split us up because he just couldnt comprehend they came first, why i couldn't see him all the time etc. As I was besotted, I bent over backwards to make it work but in the end, I realised it was never enough. Since then ive swiped on men with kids but then I do wonder whether that makes a real difference as my ex is a dad yet has no interest in our kids. Who knows! But id say women are probably more likely to be ok dating a man with kids so if I were you, id cast my net more open

That may be the answer. Could be (being charitable) one lives far away.

Only you can answer the question about children but someone with kids may be a terrible step parent (eventually) and vice versa.

My ex called my 16 year old a bitch for having an autistic meltdown and he has a daughter 🙃

YES! Just ask! And offer two suggested plans then let her choose. Don't expect her to go somewhere unpopulated on a first date 😁

If you want to meet just ask. Go for a simple drink of coffee, nothing extravagant at first. See it as meeting a friend and go from there.

Agree with others that if the momentum is good and they are being responsive then might as well ask and save weeks of messaging. My most recent dates they asked within 2 or 3 days of messaging.

So… one does live far away, she is older and so not to interfere with her life she has over there he just sees her in the holidays. He split from her mum when she was 1. Still odd that he hasn’t mentioned her until now when he was asked. I suppose I’ll just have to keep my wits about me.

Just seen a profile which says ‘only interested in ladies who go Dutch’

Now I’m happy to always pay my way and I never expect a man to foot the whole bill but actually putting that as a requirement seems a bit off

Is it just me?

@OptimisticFather I find that when dating a parent that there are not only issues with availability but also incompatibility in parenting styles. Some men are never free when I am, can happily ditch their DC’s to arrange a date or simply don’t want to parent well (thinking shouting or getting angry regularly is ok). So I don’t tend to filter out single men. They can be just as bad but also not. Current guy doesn’t have kids but looks after his nieces a fair bit so this is a decent compromise.
I also try to filter out the men who jump from one relationship to another without time to breathe or work out what went wrong on their part. They’re usually the ones that love bomb or blow hot and cold. Far worse than a parent.

@TwistedWonder No that would give me the ick. I always offer to split the bill and say thank you if they insist on paying, as well as offering to pay next time. But this from the start gives me skinflint vibes. If that’s how he wants to come across it’s the tip of the iceberg. I imagine him with a calculator every time you’d see him.

Absolutely. I also think this is the tip of the iceberg and will count every penny constantly.