Dating thread 54-New year new irons?

[bluedabadeedabadoo]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating -Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

I just had a quick early drink last night with a man who I am going to call Howaboutyou! We have been chatting for a while, and as I like Mr Soughdough I'd held back, but then I know from experience Mr Soughdough could amount to nothing, so I met this other man. Nowhere near as much chemistry as Mr S, and he did this thing, which is that I asked him a question and after each answer he'd say, "how about you?" Ordinarily this wouldn't annoy me - other men including Mr S have done this, but not exclusively done this. He didn't ask me any original questions? It felt like a lack of genuine curiosity - a bit lazy. Am I right?

I actually noticed someone doing this through messages recently and this did annoy me

Lazy.

Yep, lazy. That would annoy me too!

I’d find that boring and lazy too. A couple of how about yous are ok but they should have some curiosity about you!

Whatsapp guy went quiet so that’s another one blocked and deleted. Love the power of blocking but now I have no dates!

@Polly1979 same here.

In fact the only person I've met that put any effort in was a dreadful bigot (and MrX).

I really don’t think OLD works for me because I’m just not attracted to a few photos.

I decided to have a look at FB dating last night to see if that’s any good - and it’s free! Woke up this morning with over 200 likes in 12 hours.
I scrolled through and only swiped on 2 of them - one messaged ‘wowzers what a hot chick’ - instant unmatch. The other just sent 👋 no words just a wave.

Think it’s time to accept I’ll probably be single forever coz I just can’t be arsed 😂

Hahaha oh noooo…
Well Facebook dating hasn’t quite reached my corner of the planet yet, so at least now I don’t feel like I’m missing out!

Facebook dating is awful 😅

I had a few dates with mr beard and I thought we where having a great time. We seemed to chat easily, we had sex twice (very early, normally i dont so quickly) looking back he love bombed me in the texts before meeting and then hes ghosted me. I sent him a message last Saturday asking him if he was still interested in me and if he wasnt to just let me know. He never replied so I deleted his number. Ive never been ghosted before and now I just want to know why? We seemed to get on so well.

This is my experience too. I find it hard just flicking through photos and trying to guess who looks relatively normal or ‘my type’. I feel I am probably being to judgemental and that if I met some of these people in real life (in the pub) I would possibly like them.

I currently have one iron from Facebook dating but I am not sure he is my type, we only matched as friends.

I found an old iron on Tinder and stupidly matched with him, it seems he just wanted to tell me to get lost 😬. He was someone I spoke too for a long time, met once but then we just stopped messaging, I thought he had found someone else and actually thought I wasn’t good enough for him. I now feel like just ditching Tinder after only being on there for a few days. I have had hardly any other messages on there.

Ah @SUPerSaver721 it happens to the best of us, I think the ones that stand up and actually call things off properly are few and far between, it’s just easier for them to ghost x

As hard as it is, there’s no point wasting energy wondering why. It could be so many reasons - he met someone else, he wasn’t keen on a relationship and already got what he wanted from you, other stuff happening in his life… who knows. Whatever it was, it was a “him” problem, so best to just try and move on.

@TwistedWonderi was thinking of checking as FB dating as fed up with the other apps but that sounds dismal!

I am the same in that I find it hard to tell if I like someone from a bunch of photos and I also struggle with early dates as I don’t feel chemistry with people until I know them a bit. I’ve tried long breaks from the apps but I never meet anyone IRL either hence feeling resigned to giving them another go.

@SUPerSaver721I just had a very similar experience with Mr IT. It is crushing but best just to accept that they’re a dick if that’s how they treat people and you’re better off without them.

I’m in the not sure if I’ve been ghosted bit. Mr Scenester felt different, he hasn’t got the toxic masculine edge I normally go for and I thought he was warm and kind. We went out last week, had a great time and made plans to meet on Saturday. He’s been in touch every day but maybe only once/twice then today, nothing. I text last so don’t want to double text but we’ve not arranged a time for Saturday and now I’ve got my doubts whether it’ll happen. It’s doing my head in tonight and I’ve got loads on at work tomorrow so I don’t want to be tormented all day. I think I’ll text him in the morning then if he doesn’t reply I’ll know I’ve been ditched, and on Valentine’s Day too 😢

The feeling of being left in limbo is horrible. If it’s only been a day then you might still hear something. I was in a similar boat and double texted Mr IT as I needed to know - he didn’t respond, which was over a week ago so I did get my answer. I archived his chat so I wouldn’t be constantly looking at my phone and just checked it every now and again. Now deleted.

@SUPerSaver721

I wouldnt dwell on it because youll drive yourself mad. He probably wasn't that nice anyway and as you had sex early, he bailed out as had fun but didn't want anything serious. You just had different expectations.

I try and avoid having sex early on. My friend always has sex early on with dates because she wants to/she thinks its her main selling point in a way as shes gorgeous. They never see her as more than sex. I also think lots of men stop making any effort once they get sex, then they realise they dont want more of the relationship side

Just woke up to a "sure you don't want to hear from me but..." message to someone that last minute cancelled on me three times. I told him goodbye after that and wished him well. Where do they get the gumption from?

Feeling a bit more rational about it today @Polly1979, logically I think I will hear from him today and if I don’t, I think it’s okay for me to send a text about logistics and that way I’ll know, it’s just soured it a bit but I’m probably being a bit unreasonable. I like him, you see, and I’m silly for letting him get under my skin so early but again, more rationally, if I never hear from him again, I’ll be fine, it was only two dates x

So sorry.

I don't think you'll get an answer other than that it's about him not you.

Would you have done anything differently?

I've had this and it seems so pointless.

I'm meaner than you about how last minute I leave it though.

I probably wouldn't have slept with him so soon. See if that made a difference but he could be like that all the time. I will never know. Its just so hard dating in your 40s all thr good men seem to be taken.

If someone is happy to sleep with you early on but judges you for doing the same I don’t think it’s someone you want a relationship with anyway.

Agreed!

I’ve been in a situation where after a few two many wines I slept with a guy on the second date. He then went a bit weird and followed it up with “I suppose I would have hoped if we were going for a relationship then we might have waited a bit longer” (As if he wasn’t a willing participant!)

I called his bluff and said something along the lines of “Ok, yes you’re right there’s probably nothing here to build a relationship on”.

He came crawling back a few weeks later, but I ignored him.

I think if it’s the right person with the right intentions you can sleep with them early on and it won’t make a difference. I slept with my ex husband very early on and we were together for 12 years! However, I think you do have to be prepared that for any reason a man “fake” wanting a relationship, so if that’s what you want, possibly wise to hold out.

You can’t win though , you sleep with them ‘too early’ and they can fade away
you wait too long and they get bored
but on both versions they were probably going to disappear anyway and just using it as an excuse