Dating thread 54-New year new irons?

[bluedabadeedabadoo]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating -Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

@NosdacariadI think people were just telling me there’s nothing wrong with men and women being friends but this was nothing like normal friendship .

One of my best friends of over 30 years is a straight man so I know it’s possible .

Me too, but I don't text him 100 times a day, go on about how good looking he is, have mentionitis, he's never caused a break up ...

One of my best friends is a man but we’ve always respected each others partners, taken a step back when necessary and never once crossed any lines.

Nothing at all wrong with having close friends of opposite sex but a lot wrong when the friend impacts on romantic relationships

Ok nothing to do with the thread but I need to share.

Just been in my local Caffè Nero and there was a couple absolutely full on making out on one of the sofas. She was on his lap and they were sniffing g the face off each other in a packed coffee shop at 2 on a Sunday 😱 and it was the window seat sofa looking straight out onto the high street!

When they came up for air I clocked snd was probably mid/late 20’s and he looked north of 60

@TwistedWonder
sounds like she got a sugar daddy

Called things off with Boat Man. Felt his reply was slightly salty but maybe that's just me....

Urgh
Ok
No problem
Hopefully we can hang out at some point
Take care and enjoy your trip

There is no reaction suitable except 😱

The correct response is a polite one or silence. That just shows you were right to call it off.

The "urgh" is jarring me!

Yes I politely told Mr Pushbike it was lovely to meet him but we were not suited and got "Abrupt!".

I won't be tone-policed 😅

Exactly
I felt like I’d walked into an established relationship and felt like a third wheel.
tbh had she been a man I wouldn’t have been happy either, I would have convinced myself he was in the closet.

Hi everyone, first time on this thread (was on the last one) as I’ve been too busy to swipe much on the apps. However I matched with someone about 10 days ago and I could do with some advice. I always try to meet quickly but he works away in London for half the week (I’m up north) and now he’s gone off on a solo walking holiday abroad.
He ticks a lot of boxes but I can’t be doing with mundane texts. If he wasn’t away I’d want to meet this week and either move it along or say no thanks. I absolutely do not want to bore myself senseless by responding to messages daily whilst he’s away.
Is it ok to just say have a great time and let’s catch up when you’re back? Or is that saying I’m not interested. I haven’t decided if I am yet, I’d need to meet him first. He seems keen.
Would welcome thoughts.

I think it's perfect to say have fun and let's catch up when you're home with a view to arranging a date. X

@Brightbluesomething - it’s absolutely fine to say enjoy your trip and let’s sort something when you’re back.

I couldn’t be doing with daily ‘hi how are you’ messages with someone while they’re on holiday.

@Brightbluesomething I would keep things light and say catch up when you’re back and don’t pause anyone else.

Thanks. I replied to say that yesterday then received two more messages updating on the journey. Didn’t reply. I thought I’d made myself clear. I’ve no interest in a strangers blow by blow account of their holiday. A quick summary over coffee when he’s back would have been enough.
I’ll say it once more in case he misunderstood but this is drifting into pen pal territory which isn’t what I want.

Slow down a second. If you have to do mental gymnastics trying to predict how your message lands, it's already a dead end. Approach it from the position of power. What do YOU want to happen? Do you want to stop chatting now and reconvene when he gets back? Say it. How he sees it is not relevant. He will either agree to it which is a win or won't which is also a win because you shouldn't be editing yourself at this stage (or at any stage!).

Update on Mr. AC. He called last night and respectfully, kindly and warmly stepped back because "he is not in a place he thought he was". No hard feelings. He was a "proof of concept" that safe, secure and healthy connections are possible. He clearly reached his capacity which is a great shame and wouldn't have worked for me long term anyway.

Now, Mr. Telecoms - a bit younger than me which will be an interesting experience. Lovely chat on the phone last night. We are in the process of organising a date mid-week.

There was also Mr. Harley whom we had a nice conversation over the phone but he comes across as a bit unhinged in texts talking about "traditional values" and wanting to "protect and provide"... yes, one of those. He didn't message me at all yesterday after I gently challenged him about how it comes across so I assume bullet dodged.

I met a guy online two weeks ago, steady but slow communication (he's a 24-48 hr kind of texter.) He asked me out and arranged the date - coffee and cake in a local patisserie Friday afternoon. We did not stop talking (our "quick coffee" date lasted three hours) we had so much in common, and at the end of the date he asked if I'd like to do it again, and I said I definitely would. He said he'd text me. It's now Monday and it's crickets. I've got friends saying, "if he didn't message over the weekend he's not into you" Is that true? My ex was a love bomber and was all about the "good morning beautiful" every single day, whilst sleeping with his ex, so I guess I am confused about texting patterns, and what to expect? Is the frequency of texting in-between dates as important as what they say when they do?

rubberduck68 It's difficult isn't it. On the one hand you don't need constant communication but on the other you'd like a text or 2 over the weekend (well, I would) but then some people just don't really text much do they. Given how you said he'd communicated before the date then I wouldn't write him off just yet... But I would be thinking 'I wish he'd text me!'

@Andsoitsover you have your head screwed on - it's impressive. I do not like the sound of Mr -red pill- Harley.

@rubberduck68 it's not hard to text once over the weekend, unless he list his phone or is in intensive care or prison.

I glanced at this & thought you said 'Unless his phone is in intensive care' so there's that possibility, too. Poor phone

It's a tough one. I mean if we step waaaay back, I'd say that you shouldn't really be thinking about it at all. But it's hard to step all the way back which I totally get.

There isn't a pattern as such. For me, it's less about the frequency of texts. Someone can message me once a day but it'd be "hi, how's your day going" and then the conversation will be over in three texts to repeat again the next day. A healthy conversation is where exchange of information happens and there is an opportunity to find out more about each other. So I would rather have a 100 text string once a week than "good morning beautiful" and then nothing once a day.

However, there is also a sort of an obligation to follow up after a date, I feel. And if a man doesn't, then I just take it as he is not keen to secure the second date. He doesn't have to propose a second date in the very first text. I think it is more important that he actually follows up and keeps the connection going. Your chap didn't and that would be a no from me.

Thank you. I'm far from being an ice-queen. I am still really sad and I cried a little last night (off the call, not during!!) and a bit this morning. There is a tiny Mr. AC-shaped hole in my heart. But.. and it's a big BUT. My head knows what's right. After years of dysfunctional relationships I can see exactly where they went wrong. And it is at this very point, when a man reaches the limit of his capacity and I refuse to accept the reality and start bending into pretzels to keep them. So I am not doing that. That's his inner work.

Morning all.
thanks for the advice re Mr P. Yes I know I need to take some responsibility as I could have blocked and didn’t but still feel a random text with clearly some hidden purpose was not on but yes I do need to take responsibility for my own emotional sanity.
Re Mr Tattoo I gently told him yesterday that I didn’t feel a romantic connection. He took it well and thanked me for being honest. I also sorted out returning the gift to him so feel better about that too.
Went back on the apps this weekend. Was slow Saturday but go about 7 potential irons although think 2 of them disappeared already. 1 wanted a date yesterday but I wasnt available (less than 24 hours after matching is too soon for me). The other was moaning about how he chats to people and then they disappear, but this seems that is what he has done 🤣 Currently there seems to be 2 that have good potential.