Dating thread 54-New year new irons?

[bluedabadeedabadoo]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating -Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

So just back from a date with Mr Tattoo. He’s lovely, engaging, chatty, easy to talk to, keen and he also bought me a gift which was really sweet. I however don’t feel attracted to him and don’t feel a spark 😔
I think I’m somehow pushing back too on behaviours which are showing his interest (and possible nativity with dating) such as the gift, paying for everything, talking about further dates already (including Valentine’s Day) and I feel like it’s giving me the ick a bit. Is this because I don’t feel a spark or because I seek those with avoidant attachment styles?
I don’t know what to do. It is usual for me to not feel attracted to someone straightaway but I think by the end of the 2nd date I usually feel something.
what do I do guys? Give it another date or not?

@bluedabadeedabadoo that's exactly how I feel about Boat Man. Didn't think that maybe he was quite naive about dating!

Fwiw I'm 3 dates in with him and going to let him down gently when I'm away next week. I need that spark - I'm a shower not a grower 😂

Everyone has different boundaries, but if someone i wasnt into gave me a gift id feel awkward and the ick, whereas if someone i was into did I wouldn't feel like that.
Depends what the gift is tho I guess?!
What was it?

Some would say 2nd date is too soon for gifts and hes coming on a bit strong. Then it goes into love bombing. The difficulty is there are some genuinely lovely guys out there who do go head first into things and get excited about you and it doesn't turn into coercive control like with love bombing.

Maybe do one more date to see? But nit valentines day, if your not feeling it you need to manage his expectations.

I have had it before where initially I wasnt physically attracted, but I was attracted in some way, their sense of humour, their mannerisms, something that intrigues you....anything....and then out of nowhere I suddenly was like "ohhhh ok now I fancy you" so is there anything that attracts you at all? If not, id say its done but maybe one more try

The gift was an internet device and data as my broadband is down so it was a very practical and thoughtful gift. My broadband however has been fixed this morning so I now feel bad 🤦🏻‍♀️ it wasn’t expected to be repaired for another week!
I to think him coming across a bit strong is naivety and excitement rather than love bombing.
He is a nice guy but currently I’m not seeing anything that attracts me and I feel less attracted than date 1. In terms of attraction it usually takes a few dates for me to feel it and sometimes even a kiss. With Mr P and Mr Beard once we kissed I wanted to rip their pants off but with Me Tattoo I can’t even see me kissing him. Valentine’s Day he mentioned twice so I think he wanted me to agree to a date and he did ask me if I wanted to see him again. I did try to skirt over it but he realised so I said yes as I was put on the spot 😭
I feel I need to let him down gently but I’m not sure what to do about the gift. I should give it him back but obviously don’t want to see him Again if I’m going to let him down.
Eugh dating is so hard.

Oh ffs I’ve just had a message from Mr P out of the blue 2 weeks after we ended it and here I am feeling excited 😭 What a head fuck dating is.

I’m a slow burn and it takes me a few dates to feel real attraction but there does have to be something there that makes me want to see them again to find out.
it’s difficult because it’s easier to know it’s a definite know than a maybe.

The gift would make me cringe but that’s just me. I’m not a gift sort of girl

@bluedabadeedabadoo eugh that's horrible. I feel the same when the fireman pops up. Be strong!

I'm the same, it's one of the reasons I find OLD so bloody difficult (plus the general awfulness of it!). I can't find someone attractive unless I like their personality and I can't get a read of that until I've spent some time with them - more than just a few dates. But then after two dates I feel horribly guilty that I might be wasting someone's time meeting up with them again when I don't even know if I fancy them yet!

The obvious answer would be to meet someone out in the wild, all my previous relationships have been people I met at work but that can be messy and I've banned myself from dating co-workers.

What kind of hobbies are the nice single men doing nowadays? 😅

I just think ffs what is wrong with me. Here I am rejecting a perfectly nice man who is really keen consistent and then getting excited over someone popping up who couldn’t give me what I need.

@bluedabadeedabadoo I would be really put off by the gift! It's sweet in a way but I would find it very intense for date 2 😬I guess if you fancied the pants off him it might be different

@Nosdacariad good on you for putting Mr Ex in the bin, hope your date today goes well!

yer it was very thoughtful but a bit presumptious) although I don’t think that was his intention. He’s spent over £30 so not just something very small as a token (such as chocolates) which I’d have felt more ok about.

You and me both mate!

This is good instinct.

A gift on the first date is a red flag IMHO

Agree about the gift, it’s a bit much for a 2nd date no matter how well intended. If he’s nice though it might be worth one more date? I’ve been on a couple more dates with Mr IT and wasn’t sure if I fancied him or not but was interested enough to see him again. Since we had a proper kiss though I’ve really got the hots for him so it can happen!

I have toyed around with that idea and I would usually do that but this coupled with a few other niggles I think has made my decision. I think it doesn’t help that he’s overly keen as I feel like if I go on another date it’s giving him the impression things will move forward. Mr P popping up isnt helping although I had made my decision before I saw his messages.

Boat Man brought me presents on first and third dates, I knew it didn't sit right with me! Glad others agree and I'm not just being a misery guts

Hobbies: west coast swing dancing, CrossFit/hyrox. That's where I usually interact with the best men. Unfortunately, it is not always clear whether they are single...

There is nothing wrong with you. Not every keen and consistent man is a good match. And Mr.P - you had sex with him and a possibility of a relationship at one point. This bonded you chemically and the only way out of that is to block his arse and delete his number.

Quoting it as it is such good advice @bluedabadeedabadoo

Just accidentally swiped right on the fireman on bumble. I've deleted my account 🤦🏻‍♀️😂

Also my issue with OLD. I just don’t fancy someone from a photo!

@Nosdacariad@Andsoitsoverthankyou. I just can’t bring myself to block. It’s really affected me today hearing from him. I’ve not heard from him in 2 weeks and haven’t felt like I’ve wanted to contact him and haven’t really thought about him but wham one message and all that’s undone. I really don’t understand what his intention was. It was a random message about whether I watched traitors last week and that he watched it and thought of me (as we watched it together a couple of times). I didn’t see the message til today. We did have a bit of back and forth about traitors and about dating and then that’s it. Like what did he want to achieve? I haven’t let Mr Tattoo down yet either. Mr P has just made me feel all confused and vulnerable 😔

Me too. I see men out and about who I would never swipe on but they have something about them. But you can’t get that from a photo - it’s just about looks really and that’s not the best way to judge.

I hardly swiped for anyone as I just don’t feel anything from a photo which is probably why OLD didn’t work for me.

Sometimes I’ll meet someone out and about and there’s something about them but if I saw their photo I wouldn’t swipe right. I need to know a bit about someone or to start chatting for a bit to get any sort of inkling. I am dating someone I met on hinge but he was the 6th date that week and a bit of an accident really!!!!