Dating thread 54-New year new irons?

[bluedabadeedabadoo]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating -Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

Yes.
Happens a lot. I was chatting to one once who was telling me about how he's 'Un-Officially' adopted his friends daughter & then sent 2 huge long paragraphs in a row, about all of the challenges it brings...

So giving him a chance, I said something like 'Sounds like you have a lot going on & I'd like to hear about it if things work out, but shall we try & chat a little about other things? so we can see if we'd like to meet for a date?'

He then called me a 'Cold hearted bitch' & said that every other woman he's spoken to about the situation has said how great he is for taking her in, but not me. And then the old favourite 'No wonder you are single'.

Good for you for not signing up to do the unpaid emotional work for a stranger and I'm so sorry he did that.

The entitlement!!

Oh wow so maybe that’s what he was seeking someone to big up his ego! I just unmatched!

Yes, I think they aren't getting the validation that they want in their day to day lives so mess about online instead.

Nosdacariad I know

Back in September I was chatting to a guy for a couple of weeks. He was due to travel abroad and we couldn't find the time to meet beforehand so arranged a video chat the next evening. He stood me up. I never thought any more of him.
Yesterday he messaged me "Hi, how are you, It's been a while x" WTF!!! 😝

In other news, things with Mr AC are progressing but we only manage to see each other once every two weeks. I am beginning to think that maybe it is not sustainable this early in a relationship as we will probably loose momentum at some point soon. Has anyone got any experience or words of wisdom to share?

It’s not ideal and I think that not having face to face contact frequently in this day and age, the communication defaults to text which isn’t ideal to build a relationship. What about phone or video calls in between?

We speak on the phone every day. Sometimes a couple of times a day. Plus the texts, videos and pictures we send to each other. We do stay in contact consistently throughout the day, I'm just getting this feeling that I am cooling off if I haven't seen him for 10 days or so. Then we meet and everything is back to normal. But how long can this really go on for?
I suppose, it's the realities of LDR and there were periods of LDR with my previous partners which was fine. The difference being that we had 3-6 months to build a relationship before one of us had to relocate. This time it's from the onset an I am just not sure what's normal and what isn't.

Oh well that’s good. I’m not sure how much more you can do. How far is the distance?
I think with a lot of people even without the distance this level of frequency ca be normal, especially is parenting arrangements also have to be considered.

It's about 2h drive. The distance isn't really the issue. We are both very happy to drive.
It's his availability. He is a busy dad with 50% custody (his days fall on mid week-to-weekend). Obviously, we are not currently at a stage where I meet his kids and won't be for a while.
I am quite happy with the setup in principle. I am a busy gal myself and the last thing I want is to date someone who is hanging around all the time being moody that I won't change my plans for him (and I have a lot of social hobbies!). I just worry that this will fizzle out as we seem like a really good fit so far.
I'll speak to him this week and see if we could at least meet half way for a meal after work during the weeks when we don't have nights to spend together.

I've done this and after about 9 months it ended up with weekends getting longer and longer until he was a week at mine then a week at home.

That's encouraging to hear. Did you start off with LDR right away? If so, how did you keep momentum going at the beginning?
When we do meet, we usually spend a couple of days together. The longest weekend was four days. This week it'll be just for one evening and overnight stay with mad dash in the morning to get back (due to prior commitments). I don't think he will ever spend longer with me at mine as he has to drive to work in the mornings, whereas I am more flexible and don't mind spending a couple of days at his pretty much at any opportunity.
I guess we just need to have another conversation about that.

Yes it was 3h away from the start.

We spoke every night and messaged a bit during the day.

If I'm honest I would not do it now...it took so much energy.

Oh wow, three hours is quite a trek!
Totally see how it would be energy-demanding but having recently come out of a relationship with my ex I am dreading the thought of living with someone or even being in close proximity. I just got my life back, my friends, my hobbies and interests and there is nobody to ask me "babe, where are my socks" or "what's for dinner". Which is pure bliss. So I am quite happy with LDR if we could keep the momentum going.

Morning everyone,

I need a sense check here. I’m off the apps for a break but I’ve been chatting to someone I met before I stopped. He’s nice, committed to family, good job, a bright bloke on paper, and about 18 months out of a long marriage, the only relationship he’s been in. Last night he asked me what I look for in a man, then proceeded to spout a great long list of what he looks for in a woman including blonde, nice legs, short dress, high heels. I think it’s just down to inexperience but it’s given me the ick, I also think he might struggle as it’s quite a dated look isn’t it. I’m 8 years younger than him and I just don’t think I’d ever wear that, I’m more casual/trendy in style. He did try to qualify it by saying he just wants someone that’s loves him and the rest is window dressing but I think the damage might be done, am I being over sensitive? I think it might have triggered something about my serial philanderer dad as I believe that’s the look he goes for so I don’t want to take that out on him but I think it’s a no from me.

I matched with someone a few weeks ago who kept going on about me wearing stilettos. I kept saying I don’t wear stilettos. He kept going on about it and then ghosted me 🤷‍♀️ I don’t know if that was why but all the chats were going really well aside of that so can’t see any other reason 🤷‍♀️

what does he say when you say that that isn’t your look and you won’t wear those type of clothes? Does he try to persuade you to? Is this a deal breaker for him?
I was going to say it wouldn’t be a deal breaker for me but it is odd. I’d never say for example that I’m into a man than has dark hair, wears a suit, wears nice shoes etc. I may say that’s my usually type if it’s, but wouldn’t say that’s what I’m looking for, particularly if the person I’m speaking to doesn’t fit that criteria!

Trust your gut @PinkNeonSign

This would weird me out and make me think he has been watching too many coaching movies 👿

Mr SA tried to tell me what to wear on our one date. He got a "nah mate" from me 😁

I would probably bail on that one myself. Mostly because he is not describing a relationship, is he? When I ask this question, most people I chat with say that they want someone with shared interests, someone to spend time with, a relationship which feels committed, safe and respectful etc. etc. It's not so much the specific look he is describing and, of course, everyone will have preferences. It's more that he reveals his values (or the lack of them) by going straight to this. And softening it with "someone who loves me" isn't really sounding any better. He is not showing any indication that he is willing to be an active participant in a relationship. I'd probably suggest he gets a Labrador because it seems as thought that's what he is looking for.

Do women even wear stuff like that now? Maybe for a wedding or on the Apprentice 🤣

Id be unmatching him. I’ve had men like that before wanting mini skirts and high heels and a full face of slap - no thanks mate. It’s all their dated image of how a woman ‘should’ look. Plus I’d think they’re looking for a sexy woman to be a trophy rather than an equal partner

I must admit we (rather unkindly possibly) refer to them as Disco Doris

There’s a lot of older women stuck with that look since the 80’s

PinkNeonSign I've got a friend who always wears heals & dresses, full make-up, hair extensions etc. It's just 'her' & it's always been her. She's lovely (known her 20 years)

I think I'd be wary of your one though. My immediate thoughts was that maybe his ex didn't dress/look like that & he's thinking 'It's now my time to find a leggy blonde to show off' (I could be way off, of course!)

Andsoitsover I think your suggestion of meeting halfway for an evening is good. I used to only have every other weekend due to childcare & even though people told me you could make it work, my heart was never in it. I used to think that you would need a mid-week quick meet even if it's just an hour for coffee, to keep the interest (not that I ever dated anybody long enough for it to matter in the end, but those were my thoughts. Mine was about free time rather than distance though)

I would persevere if you like him, I believe if it's meant o be it will work out. I've been in the same situation and now one of us is looking at relocating. We text and have daily facetimes, we try to have midweek meetups also if our schedules allow us some weeks. It's a lot of effort, but he is worth it.... Good luck x

@Retro12 for a minute I thought you were talking about miniskirt guy 😅

I gave in an made a Tinder profile. Hoping not to see Mr Tom Baker Scarf X on there (again).

Nosdacariad I've never tried Tinder but that advert where you join with a friend or something (& they are bowling) makes me laugh!

My last relationship which lasted 2 years was semi LD - we lived about an hour apart but opposite sides of the Thames which meant using the Dartford Tunnel/Bridge and M25 which could double the journey at times.

We only saw each other weekends and that worked perfectly for me. Our work pattern didn’t work for meeting midweek anyway - I’m a straight 9-5 he was self employed and worked afternoons/evenings.

Tbh if I did ever meet anyone I’d want the same thing - weekends only works for me. By time I’ve finished work on the week I couldn’t be arsed to hold a conversation let alone get scrubbed up and go on a date.