Urgent advice

[ZippyBlueViper]

Hi urgent advice needed,
My relationship hasn't been great for a while, oh come home around 5pm really drunk. Hasn't hit me but has been verbally aggressive. I was scared and kids were scared.
I've loaded them into car and gone. Didn't pack anything just gone.
We're staying too far away for the kids to attend school tomorrow and no uniform etc. Wtf do i do

OP, if you can tell us roughly where you are, we might be able to find another DV charity nearer to you? Are you white? I only ask because there are a number of organizations that offer specialist help to Asian women that might be appropriate.

Social services will be a big help. We also have a service called Blue door that really helped me but i down know if that's area specific. Get to the job center and get on universal credit. You'll be fine. I got out too.

Hope you're OK and getting things sorted, do not give out your location, try not to use a credit card for any purchases, get cash out from some other town,

My case went to court for coercive control !!!

It is a criminal offence

He's an abusive piece of shit

Thinking of you OP

It's hell
It gets better

So many great organisations can help
Never listen to the threats
Screenshot all messages

Follow the very wise ladies on this thread !!!

You're doing what you have to do. Of course you're scared, but an upheaval isn't going to be easy. It will all work out. ❤️❤️❤️❤️

Please don't tell anyone on a public forum even roughly where you are.

I'm sure you can Google DV charities in your area.

always keep what the military call a go bag in a car then your always ready as and when needed and all the best op

You don’t need a swanky lawyer your priority is keeping you and your children safe.

I have been in this position, and I know how terrifying it is. I promise you that it will get better, even if it feels awful at the moment. Stay strong for your children. Do not feel ashamed, or embarrassed. It is not your fault. You will get through this.

School will be on your side. They will help as much as they can. They can provide uniforms if needed on a temporary basis.

Thank you for all your kind words. The kids and i are with a relative now. We've been and got some things, he wasn't there and house was unlocked. I'm really frightened. I've not been to police yet because it feels so final and stupidly feels so scary. I guess part me is wishing that he'll see our things gone and realise how serious i am which will turn him back into a nice person. I know that's not going to happen. I don't understand why after everything im wanting him to just come give me a cuddle and fix all that he's messed up.
I loved our family. I worked so hard for us all to be together. We could of been so happy if he was just nice

Well done for managing to get some of your things. I hope you managed to get your cash and important documents.

This is a real test for you now, whether to relent and go back, or continue forward to safety.

Personally, having been with an abusive husband myself, I didn't look back once I'd finally fled. I don't think you should even contemplate going back, your priority right now is to protect your children. You are only putting yourself and your children at risk by going back.

In terms of your business, is this something you can set up when you get a new place?

I'm glad you're with a relative. What are their thoughts on it? Will they support you leaving him? Some relatives want an easy life and try to talk us into going back and putting up with their behaviour.

I do think it would be a massive mistake to go back. He will no doubt hold it against you too which won't help either.

You need to report it to the police so they have a record of him being abusive. They should help you get your belongings. Abusers will threaten you more and more as they feel they are losing control.
contact women’s aid for support and advice. Good luck, you can do this.

Just saw this update, I have been where you are exactly, but you wishing that he could be nice will not make him nice. He will not change and things will not only continue as they are but possibly get worse. Please try and be strong for you and for your children. You can do it.

He is happy, that’s why he behaves in these ways. He doesn’t care if you or the kids are happy, he just wants to dominate you. He likes you to be afraid, powerless, in his control- and himself to have all the money and all the power.

You’ve done so well Zip, don’t go back now. Please go and make the report to the police. It’s very important. Everything else- everything- can wait, because the important thing is that you and your children are safe and together. Getting your report in, making it clear that he was frightening your children and was making all of you unsafe, is vital. Keep the screenshots of his threatening messages. All these are things which can protect you and the children from him in the future.

Please contact the police asap. They can and will help you re your abusive ex partner.

Reporting him is the most important thing you can do for your children.

Tell the police of his total control of you and your finances and his threats.

This is a very bad man who is committing the crime of Coercive Control.

Please report it to the police. Yes, he will be a complete dick about it but a criminal record of this nature is not to be sniffed at. It may give him cause to step back and look at his behaviour. But mostly because it will flag your house on a police system so if he talks you into going back, any further incidents/emergency calls will be given a high priority. The police will talk you through this.

You do sound like you are wavering and could be easily talked into going back. I really hope you don't. It will be hard leaving a family unit you have worked hard to build [and probably suffered a lot in doing so] but the alternative is potentially real harm to you and your children. Your son should not witness this abuse and it will do him real harm.

In the UK, roughly
2 women are murdered by a partner or ex-partner every week, while other figures suggest a woman is killed by a man every 3 to 5 days, with a significant portion of deaths also being suicides following abuse or family homicides. Data from 2022-2023 shows hundreds of domestic abuse-related deaths, including intimate partner homicides and victim suicides, with females aged 25-54 most commonly affected, often by men in the same age bracket.
Key Trends:
Separation Risk: A significant percentage (around 40-43%) of women killed by partners had separated or were trying to leave the relationship, indicating heightened risk during separation.
Victim Profile: Most victims are women aged 25-54, killed by male perpetrators in a similar age group.

The dangerous thing op is that he MIGHT do all the things you're hoping for it, but it will just be to lure you back home and isn't who he truly is.

He's abusive. He's dangerous.

Stay safe please.

Keep posting anytime you need bolstering up we will be here to support you.

Calling the police, I'd do so even if it's just to pre-empt him calling them and claiming you've stolen his car or ran off with the kids etc. just ring 101 and tell them the situation. You were scared so got to safety, he is threatening you via text still and you're worried he will call police or ss maliciously. They will have heard it all before sadly but letting them know the situation like this means they have your log on record already in case he does call.

He will either continue with the anger, try to blackmail you back, or try and manipulate you back with fake apologies and crocodile tears. If there's any hints of him making out he's suicidal just call police and ask them to do a welfare check. Don't engage with him. Anytime you want an emotional response reach out here instead of to him. I know that's a really hard change to make.

Take care and stay strong.

You can also call any settings your kids attend like school/nursery and explain you're staying with relatives for the same reason. Just to give them a heads up.

Please don't go back. I was the child of an aggressive bullying man who presented himself very differently to the outside world. Now, I can see that there was also coercive control going on in the household. I'm still suffering because of the trauma of it all even though I'm in my 60s.

Please leave your children with your relative and report your OH's behaviour to the police
This is absolutely vital to ensure that at no point can he persuade a court to let him have custody of your son. School will support you, if you ask.

I can understand you need some comfort at this terrible time of stress but please don't seek it from him, even if he pretends to be nice until he gets you back. You and the kids were scared of him last night, this will happen again. Please seek help and comfort from anyone but him. There's so much support around you from family, friends, police etc. Please get help and don't look back.

OP please read and absorb all the above comments. I almost changed my mind on a couple of occasions over the last few months…my partner was very charming at points and there was this ready brek glow about him when he wanted something…but I had to keep reminding myself of his past behaviour. The bad times just too heavily outweighed the good. And while he never harmed me physically, I’m now becoming aware of the emotional damage that’s been done. I’m constantly questioning myself, I’m incredibly vulnerable some days, I’m attuned to his belittling and demeaning of me to keep me in check. It’s going to take a lot of effort to rebuild. But you can do this.

Post here whenever you have a wobble and make sure you have people you can talk to IRL if possible. You mentioned kids are with someone? Do they know what’s happening? Telling my closest friends was an eye opener, because not a single one was surprised. Two of them even said the exact same thing about our relationship without knowing each other. So it might surprise you to share…a friend might give you the support to stay the course. I know it’s not easy but when you’re on the other side it’ll be worth it.

Keep thinking if your kids and the example you want to set for them, the values you want them to grow up with 💛

That’s great you’ve got your stuff. Please please call the police and women’s aid again