Urgent advice

[ZippyBlueViper]

Hi urgent advice needed,
My relationship hasn't been great for a while, oh come home around 5pm really drunk. Hasn't hit me but has been verbally aggressive. I was scared and kids were scared.
I've loaded them into car and gone. Didn't pack anything just gone.
We're staying too far away for the kids to attend school tomorrow and no uniform etc. Wtf do i do

If you’re still awake and can’t sleep I’d call the police now. But you also need to rest so try and get some shut eye if you can. You’ll be in fight or flight for a while and there may be daily triggers so prepare for that, but also remember that it passes. I was so anxious at times I would panic and burst into tears believing I’d made the mess and done him wrong, but with hindsight I can see it was just my body’s strange way of protecting me. You absolutely have to trust your gut (and the trust might be wavering) but keep holding on!

Change ALL of your passwords to ALL of your accounts. Facebook, Linked In, Messenger, even ebay and amazon. Do everything, dont forget Paypal too.

Limit past posts on Facebook and set to friends only if you haven't already. Go through 'view as' setting to see how it will appear to non friends, then check your cover photos, they are usually public, but I think you can change manually them to only visible to friends . Even if you unadd and block him, he could get a chum to read through your posts and glean information. Tighten the leaks, cut down his avenues of knowledge/ control.

Do every email account you've ever had too.
And if you are leaving for good get your mail rerouted too as soon as possible

Don't panic, you're strong, and the ladies on here will steer you right.

Congratulations OP on doing the very best thing for your DC in this awful situation. One day you'll look back and be proud of yourself. 💐

I dont know whats available for you in your country but ring a domestic violence hotline, they will help you find somewhere safe. If you have anything like a legal aid then contact them to help you with custody of your kids. Keep every evidence. Its a long slog to leave but do it. In my own personal situation the verbal abuse turned into physical abuse. It doesnt take long.

Police. Search: National Domestic Abuse Helpline
Languages: English (call & chat); other languages available via interpretation services (call)
Phone hours: 24/7
Chat hours: Mon-Fri, 10AM - 10PM

I'm just wishing it was all a bad dream. I can't sleep. My tummy is in knots im so so scared he'll end up with my boy. I can't get across how scared i am of this. I'm literally with my kids all the time. I've my own business but it's on his land in his name and he takes all the money but it's ment even when I've been at work i can have my kids with me. Now I've no job nothing but that's not the end of the world. The end of the world is the kids. Him getting the kids. He's not bothered for the baby but our son he is. Our son is such a mummy boy, so loving and kind we do everything together and the thought of not being with him is stressing me out beyond

I know this is really hard but there are steps you need to take so try and keep your brain as logical as possible. Given you have no money and are the victim of domestic abuse you are likely to be entitled to legal aid for the court process. Even if you aren’t there is a hardship form which you can fill in so you don’t have to pay the fee to make an application to the court.
Tomorrow you need to

1. call the police, report it and get a crime reference number. Even if you don’t end up getting a conviction it is evidence for the children act proceedings both of the abuse suffered and to help with legal aid. The police will ask you all sort of questions (alcohol, previous abuse, cutting you off from family etc) be really honest and if the answer is yes say yes the number of people who get accused of being untruthful because the abuse comes out in dribs and drabs.
2. contact a women’s domestic abuse charity. Women’s aid are good but there may be one more local to you who can offer practical support. They will give advice but they may also be able to provide legal aid evidence that you are a victim. They can do things such as risk assessments.
3. contact a legal aid family solicitor. You want to discuss with them a “non-molestation order” for this keep your phone records and all of the text messages he has sent you. They are evidence. Also a “Prohibited Steps Order” which stops him removing the children from your care. They should be able to make urgent applications on your behalf if you have evidence of no means (money). If not you can make both of these applications yourself but please put all the evidence in your statements as I said before things coming out in little bits can often makes it look like you aren’t being truthful even though we are aware that victims of abuse take time to open up.

ypu have been exceptionally brave and I am sending warming hugs 🤗

Do you have relatives you can go to in the morning? Someone to accompany you to get some things?

@ZippyBlueViper please do not worry about your. Husband taking away your son. This is the only threat abusive men make when they lost control. It’s his way to get you back to the house and under control. Please do not fall for this.

You took your children away from an abusive and possibly abusive situation.

Call 111. You are awake anyway so call them now. I promise the police will be very sympathetic to you. I had to call them on my ExH in a very similar situation. They went over and arrested him and also accompanied me to the house to get stuff for myself and the kids.

it’s vital in the first 24 hours of leaving that you do not go back to your abuser. It will only get worse and possibly very dangerous for you. Abusers do not know their limits, please don’t think he won’t resort to this. Many women have died at the hands of their husbands as these poor women went back to try and calm their husbands. It ended badly.

sending you a virtual hand hold x

@ZippyBlueViper while speaking to women’s aid is valuable, it’s better to call the police in your situation. They will have access to women’s refuges ect. You need help now so it isn’t the best use of your time to wait for their help. The police can keep you and puppy children safe.

Wishing you luck today OP. Get on to: Police, schools, SS (I just contacted my local SS to let them know situation), family (your family!). Oh and solicitor (I had one because I was divorcing XH, but she was fab and went through paperwork for the PSO). In your situation, I'd also contact Women's Aid. Don't be scared of SS. Keep any emails/messages from him. Write out a timeline of things, with list of the sort of things he does/says to you x

I strongly believe that he knows his only (or at least, main) leverage on you is the children and that’s why he is holding it over you, to keep you compliant and in your place. The reality is, if he gets the children what happens to his work? He won’t be able to. He actually needs you in place more than you realise. He probably doesn’t even want the children, just using them as a tool to get at you. My friend just went through a divorce with a man with money for the best solicitors and who was fighting for full custody - he got a 40% split - because no judge is going to agree that a small child is better off without their mother. Please try not to worry about this one thing and start planning for the life you and your children deserve. I know it must be terrifying but have some confidence that things will work out. Sending love 💐

I'm a retired social worker. You have done the right thing and if you work with SS, the police and education then you will be seen as the protective parent and your children won't be removed from you. Stay strong and get friends and family on side for support. Don't do it alone. I hope you can get some things in place today.

Please do not go back to your home without having police or someone with you. A woman is in most danger from an abusive man at the point she actually leaves him

Do not go back to your house alone OP! This is the most dangerous time for a woman to be near an abusive partner

Well done for keeping you and DC safe.

Try the DA line again this morning, screenshot the messages and speak to the police. You are doing great

If you call school and explain the situation they'll absolutely support you. They can find uniform, they won't mind if the kids are late. You could.probably arrange to pick the kids up five minutes early through the office to prevent your ex taking them at pick up.

Do you really think, for a single second, that any court would split siblings, just because some giant arsehole man baby, only wants one of his kids? Of course they won't and his bias will only make him look like more of a twat to any judge. It's far off anyway you need to focus on putting one foot in front of the other right now.

Call the police to get out of the house. You need rid of this man ASAP

The more you write it is clear you have been a victim of coercive, controlling behaviour, tell the police everything. They will support you.
I know you’re being bombarded with advice here, but there is some really good advice here.
Good luck today. Stay strong.

Also He knows your boy is your weak spot and that is why he is playing on it . He’s a classic DV perpetrator

Apart from the verbal abuse and threats which are horrible, his behaviour is a criminal offence: he cannot put your business in his name and TAKE ALL YOUR MONEY! He's a thief, he's exploiting you and this behaviour is now thankfully recognised as a crime so if he threatens you, let him. You will win! Any solicitor worth their salt will see that. He's got no leg to stand on. If anything, sue HIM. There are solicitors who take on cases with fees due upon settlement. If your despicable OH has any money, there are enough solicitors who'll be willing to go after him. You are in a much better position than you think. Now, get angry. He's a little pathetic man who cannot touch you or your kids without destroying himself in the process.

I hope you are okay and someone is helping you now.

Social services are there to help. Hopefully they do get involved, they will back up your decision to protect them from their dad, you have safeguarded them. I would personally phone them myself in your situation, the more professionals aware of their dad's behaviour the better longer term.
They will be far better at writing reports for future court hearings about contact than the police, and can offer you support.
They will NOT have any interest in taking the children from a mum who is protecting them, but will hopefully have interest in protecting them from your ex.

Leaving is the hardest thing OP. People seem to think it should be easy to walk out on abuse but it's not just abuse you walk out on, it's your home and your life. It turns your entire world upside down. But you can make a new life starting now - you've already taken one of the very hardest steps. Your nervous system is on high alert but one day soon all you will feel is relief to be out of it with your children.

@ZippyBlueViper you must report this to Police. Don't back down.

Social Services want to make sure that the kids are safe and seeing you be proactive by reporting domestic abuse and removing them for the night is a GOOD thing.

Tell the Police everything and don't hide anything.

You can go back to the house. Get your cash stash, kids clothes etc but make sure you go to Police ASAP.