Staying in a relationship with a hobby obsessive (rock climbing)

[StrongSandwichChoice]

I would welcome views on my relationship with - objectively - a completely lovely, kind and affectionate guy. The issue is DP’s total obsession with his hobby: climbing.

We have been seeing each other for more than six months and I would say we spend the usual amount of time together for a couple that had full lives before meeting, so see each other a couple of nights a week and usually a day at the weekend. The potential issue is what BF does the rest of the time and it is almost entirely training for climbing, planning climbing trips, messaging climbing friends or going away climbing.

DP has a full working life, reads the newspaper or whatever so does have other things to talk about and he does make a normal amount of time for our relationship so I hadn’t really been too worried. But following Christmas I have been a bit freaked out by how much this hobby seems to consume his thoughts, cash and time to the exclusion of almost everything else. Any thoughts?

What age are you? I'm thinking of you are at an age where you might want a family his hobby could lead to resentment. Otherwise as long as he prioritises you when it matters I think his hobby is ok. If climbing will always come first I think that's a problem.

Join in with his hobby?

This is who he is - a climbing enthusiast. He’s been one the entire time you’ve known him. He hasn’t hidden it.

what happened over Christmas that has made you decide it’s some sort of problem?

you can’t and shouldn’t try to change him to suit your preferences. If you don’t like that he is so keen on climbing and spends so much time thinking about it, maybe it’s just not the right relationship for you. Especially since you say he makes ‘a normal amount of time for your relationship’. What are you expecting from him?

I mean this respectfully, but you’re probably not the one for him if it’s grating on you already.

Ideally he needs to find someone who has the same passion for it, and you need to find someone who doesn’t live, breath and dream a sport.

I wouldn't date and man with an excessive hobby. They tend to be quite boring. My ex husband was one of these and his contribution to the home was zero.

Firstly, thank you for specifying what the hobby is!

I think that if you are both happy with how much time you spend together, that he does have other interests, and that he’s not expecting you to fund your relationship while he funds his hobby, then you should relax a bit and leave him to get on with it. What else should he do with his time and money?

I’d rather a partner did an outdoors activity that kept him fit.

We matched partly because I do already do his hobby. I am a member of a climbing gym and do go bouldering. However, I just can’t sustain this level of interest in anything - it seems totally unhealthy and TBH his single focus is putting me off my own hobby.

We are past the age of having kids and I am sure that this hobby must have played a big part in his divorce (though he blames that on other things).

I am just struggling to put the relationship in the bin because when he is not talking about climbing, we have a lot of fun.

While both of your lives will and should change when you have children together, he’s still going to be a really keen climber. And the OP needs to accept that.

my kids climb and I see couples with young children in bouldering centres all the time. The parents take it in turns to climb while the other one entertains the baby or toddler in the kids area. When the kids get to three they start the kids lessons too. They are just climbing families and it’s a big part of their life.

it doesn’t sound like this OP is going to take up climbing. This is fine. I don’t climb; I drink coffee while the kids do. But she will need to just accept that her boyfriend really likes climbing. If they had a baby, the time available for climbing would (should) be curtailed - but he’s still going to be a guy who wants to climb (and likely to make climbing a family activity).

It's great for a man to have a healthy hobby but I do think some of the outdoor types can be a bit obsessive! The only two climbers I personally know are now in their 60s, both lovely men, but neither ever married.

I know all sorts of people never marry but climbing did seem to be an all-consuming passion.

If kids aren’t on the cards I don’t think it should be a massive issue. Unless he’s boring you going on about it or you’re not doing nice things together because he’s spending all his money on it?

Sounds like he’s just not the guy for you.

Men sometimes substitute one all-consuming hobby for everything else (friends, other interests, relationships, family). It’s an interesting phenomenon. At least climbing is more interesting than golf or cycling. <yawn>

I’d say the important thing is boundaries. Set them, stick to them. Let him know what kind of relationship you want, see if he’s up for it. Or is he has a limited vacant ‘girlfriend’ slot he’s putting you in but climbing is really his life.

If kids aren’t on the cards it’s just up to you to decide whether it bothers you. Although it clearly does or you wouldn’t have started this thread.

If you were planning kids I’d say run !!

Without kids it wouldn’t bother me if my partner spent a lot of time / money doing a hobby (assuming I still saw them a bit!) as I have my own interests / money.

I think it’s lovely when someone is so passionate about something. It makes him happy.

Are you getting the ick? Maybe you are going off the hobby and that’s all he is in to.

I do wonder if I am getting the ick.

He has an amazing body, is very active and appealing in that sense. But also - does he even hear himself?

I think the issues over Christmas have started because I was looking at the weather and thinking about wrapping up for dog walks and cosy pub fires and he was thinking ‘YESS ICE CLIMBING’. It’s off putting to think our world will be dominated by his sport. I’m

I think it’s unrealistic to expect someone who shares a hobby with you to only have the same level of commitment to it that you have. He already has a full
life I guess and more of his life is committed to his hobby than relationships. It’s probably unlikely you’ll find someone who only has the same level of dedication as you do so probably better not to look for a relationship inside the hobby.

Oh god here we go. ‘Ewww you’ve got the ick!’

How very adult and mature..,

Do you feel you’re getting enough of his time? I think it’s probably good he has a hobby but I understand your reservations that it’s limited to one specific hobby. If he ticks a lot of boxes, I’d probably continue with the relationship. I think people when they’re not in a relationship get very used to doing what they want because they don’t have to think about anyone else. I’d start to get more concerned if you’re considering children. And whether he would step back a bit from his hobby.

On the plus side his hobby is social and active. Rather than sitting about doing nothing.

This is who he is and I doubt he’s going to change so I think it’s a case of either accepting who he is or leaving the relationship.

It’s massively unfair to ask someone to change a hobby that was clearly very important to him before you got together.

Deal with it; find your own ways to fill your time; or leave.

And I say that as a climbing/surfing widow myself. When he can’t climb or get outdoors it drives me him mad.

Thoughts? I'd probably be alright with it at this stage in life, but as a single parent I would only want a very part time partner anyway! And I wouldn't be nodding along to hours of him talking at me about it. But if it bothers you it bothers you. Does he do the cosy pubs and other things you enjoy as well?

It’s absolutely fine for her to reevaluate whether this is the right relationship for her even if nothing about him has changed. That’s the whole point of a being in a pre-marriage/pre-kids/pre-commitment relationship.

DH had a similar obsession, back in the day. We would be looking for a nice spot to eat our picnic, he’d be ‘not here, just a bit further, no, ah here we go!’, and we’d be at a spot that suited his interest.
It was unpleasant feeling that even when we were together, doing the same thing at the same time, half his mind was somewhere else. My mental image of us enjoying the sun, view, company, having a couple moments, did not line up with his mental image in which I was a side interest.

Out of interest, was his initial interest in you quite intense? Did he pursue you in any way?

He doesn't sound great TBH and if he's getting on your nerves now it might be time to pull back a bit. If you already understand it was why he got divorced he's not the man for you. It sounds like you are a convenient shag and company but he's not that into you.

I think end it mainly as he's going to want all your holidays nd leisure plans to revolve around climbing and you want more variety. Tell him that in a nice honest way that you are looking to have other experiences and you can see climbing is the sole focus of his life and you aren't expecting him to change.

If you take the initiative and tell him gently he's dumped then he can reassess and might decide that he can spare time for you as well as climbing.

BTW it's so much better when the hobby is made clear than trying to guess!!

I think as long you have a good time then thats OK.You say you share some of his interest in climbing .Thats a good thing as long as you arent excluded I think .It sounds like a good RL as you have fun and get on well. If you arent planning a family then thats fine .