Staying in a relationship with a hobby obsessive (rock climbing)

[StrongSandwichChoice]

I would welcome views on my relationship with - objectively - a completely lovely, kind and affectionate guy. The issue is DP’s total obsession with his hobby: climbing.

We have been seeing each other for more than six months and I would say we spend the usual amount of time together for a couple that had full lives before meeting, so see each other a couple of nights a week and usually a day at the weekend. The potential issue is what BF does the rest of the time and it is almost entirely training for climbing, planning climbing trips, messaging climbing friends or going away climbing.

DP has a full working life, reads the newspaper or whatever so does have other things to talk about and he does make a normal amount of time for our relationship so I hadn’t really been too worried. But following Christmas I have been a bit freaked out by how much this hobby seems to consume his thoughts, cash and time to the exclusion of almost everything else. Any thoughts?

I’m twitching reading your posts… my partner not dear partner is obsessed with sport cricket and football…. I liked those sports at the beginning and use to happily watch them but overtime I’ve seen a “man” choose sport over family and relationships and I’ve got massive ick but also want nothing to do or hear about cricket or football ever again!! There is a fine line between interesting hobby and complete obsession where it unhealthy and damaging… I think over time you will find there is more information from his ex about his “passion”

My DH and I both have what I suppose you'd consider 'obsessive' (and expensive) hobbies. Thankfully ours are both ones we can do almost anywhere, but it is definitely something we took into account when we were considered moving much more rurally - it would be a lot harder for him to do his if we weren't near a city - and we bought our house (and will buy any future homes) with space for what we need in mind.

I'm sure it helps, both in terms of time taken up and finances, that we don't have or want children though (and that we both understand wanting to talk about Our Thing a lot). But I think what is most important is both having something we're equally into: I could easily see either of us with someone else who didn't have an all-encompassing hobby having trouble with it, but we're both fairly obsessive by nature and understand that about each other haha.

Just back to re-read this thread and remind myself of all your sensible words. The relationship did actually come to a crashing end and I need reasons to be glad about it.

To the poster who asked whether he pursued me and came on strong at the beginning - Yes. He really did, lots of passion and declarations of love.

Ultimately, I think he wanted someone to provide a warm, cheerful base camp from which he would go and do life’s adventures on his own (and come back for hot food when he was done).

Depends what you are aiming for? A partnership about spending lots of time planning things with you, trying lots of different things and putting you first. Or a very independent type relationship where you both get a kick out of how you have your own separate passions? Neither is wrong, just be honest with yourself about what makes you happy and whether he can fulfil that.

Just seen your update! Sounds like it came to a natural conclusion. Hope you are ok.

@StrongSandwichChoice Not sure if I posted this earlier, but a family member had exactly the same experience. Except she went on the “holidays” and did all the shopping and cooking for him and his climbing mates. Seemed ludicrous for a declared feminist.

However it’s all about sharing a life together. Not one person being dominant and the other just “used” to support their wishes. It’s not a deep love. It’s a convenient love determined by usefulness. I’ve no doubt his ex felt the same. Somewhat abandoned. You will find someone who thinks much more of you in a true partnership and I wish you well.

Interesting that it ended.

When I was in my early twenties I met a man with a skydiving obsession, he’d travel abroad to skydive. I didn’t take it further than a couple of dated and slept with him so I never knew how it would pan out.

For me you have to be either into their obsession or not. I’m lucky in that the man I’m dating now has a slight obsession but he likes to do other things too.