Staying in a relationship with a hobby obsessive (rock climbing)

[StrongSandwichChoice]

I would welcome views on my relationship with - objectively - a completely lovely, kind and affectionate guy. The issue is DP’s total obsession with his hobby: climbing.

We have been seeing each other for more than six months and I would say we spend the usual amount of time together for a couple that had full lives before meeting, so see each other a couple of nights a week and usually a day at the weekend. The potential issue is what BF does the rest of the time and it is almost entirely training for climbing, planning climbing trips, messaging climbing friends or going away climbing.

DP has a full working life, reads the newspaper or whatever so does have other things to talk about and he does make a normal amount of time for our relationship so I hadn’t really been too worried. But following Christmas I have been a bit freaked out by how much this hobby seems to consume his thoughts, cash and time to the exclusion of almost everything else. Any thoughts?

@StrongSandwichChoice I think you are fully justified in your concerns. Having a hobby is good but I think if someone is obssessive about it then they really need to be someone who is equally obsessive about the same hobby. When someone is single they might go on lots of holidays with mates, go out every weekend, they might watch football on tv most nights..but usually when in a relationship each person naturally tones down what they have previously done to merge lives with the other person. It sounds as though this guy has never done that and that he wants to make this hobby the priority in his life regardless of what issues that causes. You say you see each other 3 times a week but after 6 months together I wouldn’t say that’s normal from personal experiences. The honeymoon stage is where you want to see each as much as possible. And don’t forget this is when he is supposed to be impressing you, so as you get more comfortable will his hobby take over even more? As other posters have said, if it’s raining alarms bells now, it’s only going to get worse. I would cut my losses, and try and look for someone on the same wave length.

I remember when dh was still climbing (and not working) and I had Dd so was on maternity leave. He was delighted I was off work and convinced me to spend the summer (8weeks) in a tent in a field in Switzerland so he could climb the Matterhorn and a load of other mountains.

Think Dd was about 3 months old when we arrived. We didn’t even have EHU! I must have been mad! 🤣🤣🙈

As someone with horses, I understand how it dominates his life because horses dominate our lives. Unfortunately for my husband, both our daughter and I have one so he has to put up with a lot of horse chit chat, money spent on horses and time. But he knew what he was getting into when he married me and he’s not in the least bit bothered!

If you’re not into it as much as him and you don’t like this level of enthusiasm for the sport, don’t stay together. You’ll resent him for it but you can’t say you didn’t know he was like that.

Quite a few women are replying about their horses and other consuming hobbies.

What I would suggest though, speaking very generally, is that women have more of an ability to multi-task and we have been socialised much more than men to consider the feelings of our family members and others above our own, or at least, as much as our own.

A lot of women I see who have intense interests, juggle them with family life, often leaving themselves very deprived of sleep or down time.

Still speaking very generally though, from what I have observed, there is a certain intensity and single-mindedness and yes selfishness about some men who can just up and leave to do their hobby on a Sunday, without a thought in the world as to who is doing the meal planning that week, or preparing uniforms for school, or taking out the recycling, or helping their dc with homework. They drive off without a backwards glance whereas a woman would generally sort all of that and then do her hobby if there was still time.

My neighbour has horses and they can be time consuming when they go to shows but it’s all the family who participate.

@Cranklecat456 Yes, I agree it’s a male trait to rush off and do not much else. Horses are part of the family though and climbing isn’t a pet.

Don’t worry I get it; I’m a horse owner myself!

Many owners I know still manage to look after horses around the needs of their family or many take a pause while their dc are small. I agree, others take the whole family along to shows and competitions.

Some men take a pause from their hobbies too but sometimes don’t do it willingly and they can become very resentful.

I think any obsession - climbing, cycling, golf, stamp collecting, train spotting - is off-putting. If you are just after a casual boyfriend then it’s manageable but if you are interested in a serious relationship then yes, you’ll get the ick pretty quickly.

Outside of climbing and superficial interests, do you have common values, goals and world views? Those things matter in compatibility more than a shared hobby.

I think you need to be on the same page regarding interests and priorities, it's very lonely otherwise and I have seen it more likely that the couple drift away after the novelty of being different and independent, there will be a time when you actually need the partner fully in acting like one unit and that is when the resentment happens, friends and family can't always fill in for a partner.
And when you say he is very good looking and comes across well rounded well now you know him better you know who he actually is and what he is like to be with.. a lot of good looking people have personality or lifestyle tricky points that bevome apparent later but everyone just sees the initial.imptession and good looks and thinks: wow!
So this guy would be fun for a casual fwb maybe but not long term material specially if you want children.

Outside of climbing and superficial interests, do you have common values, goals and world views? Those things matter in compatibility more than a shared hobby.

Yes - we do have common world views and great conversations. It’s early days but we are well
matched, except this particular issue. How it might play out in the future is really what’s bothering me. I have been on Mumsnet for a while and often wondered why women put up with eg all-consuming gaming. I don’t want to be there myself.

you give an excellent description of the level of focus you have and I think DP would understand (relate) but he does want a relationship

In which case he'll have to compromise. He does sound like he behaves like I do and I've decided I don't want a relationship because it would impact on what I do and at the same time, as I said in my previous post, I know it would be unfair to someone else to be in a relationship with me.
So if he's serious and he does want a relationship he will have to dial it back and take your wants and needs into account as well.
You mentioned he started researching crags to climb as soon as you mentioned going to a particular place together and you wanted to do the touristy things. And I think this is where it's not going to work unless he compromises and spends the weekend or week at the place you want to go to without climbing (one afternoon in the week maybe). If he can't or won't do that then there is no future for the relationship.

The very fact you are on MN asking about it shows that you do have significant doubts and maybe this isn't right for you. I think you should have a conversation about it with him and see what he says.

It depends - maybe not as much of an issue in the long-term if children aren't on the cards and you're happy to do your own thing while he's 'busy'.

For me, it doesn't really matter what the activity is it's more the level of self-indulgence that this kind of intense interest requires. It just suggests a personality type that hasn't moved beyond that childish level of self-centeredness that keeps you oblivious to other people's needs and the rest of the world generally. As far as I'm concerned these 'healthy' and 'wholesome' pursuits that (disproportionately) dominate men's time, energy and head space and benefit no-one else but themselves are just as selfish a pastime as spending all their spare time down the pub like previous generations of man-children.

Info: Is he spending so much time/money on climbing that he's either leaving no time for you to do things as a couple?

Does he often go climbing and neglect important home care or responsibilities to kids/family?

For me either of the above would be a deal breaker. But if he fits in his daily responsibilities well, I wouldn't see the issue

The bigger problem here is that you seem to be in a relationship with someone who is not self-aware or considerate.

It’s hugely worrying that he's not seeing how his obsession (being part of him) will naturally have played a part in his previous relationship breakdown. It implies either a complete lack of emotional insight and/or using stonewalling and denial as coping mechanisms

Already you’re seeing that his needs come first. You’re talking about romantic holidays and his thinking immediately jumps to activities that involve not spending any time with you?? He should be more excited to be spending time with you, than he is over what crags are in the area.

I suspect his cognitive bias is so strong that you could sit him down and explain all this kindly and his mind would create convoluted reasons why this is a ‘you problem’ not a ‘me problem.’ At least people addicted to gambling or porn often have some sense that it’s out of control. A person can spend just as much time and money on other addictions (money they may not have) but when you’re addicted to healthy outdoorsy activities, it has society’s approval and even admiration.

If he didn’t see fit to get some professional help or make changes in order to save his marriage, he’s unlikely to change for someone he’s been with for six months. Frankly, it sounds like his hobby will always be ‘the other woman’ and you have to decide if you can live with that. You already sound tired of it, he sounds one-dimensional which can be very boring after a while.

@StrongSandwichChoice All consuming hobbies are a real issue. As many are saying, you will always be second. It’s not going to be an equal partnership and you are wondering about what that means for the future? Will the conversations outweigh the selfish hobby? For me, no. But you might be ok with low engagement in what your needs are.

Op, you sound sensible to be asking these questions, and you sound happy in your relationship for now. It would seem sensible to build up/maintain your friendship group and independence, as if you do continue together you are always going to have time to spend whilst he is away, and might as well make sure it's with people you love and enjoy being with. If you don't stick together then at least you will have the support of those friends as you move on.

My dh isn't a hobby addict, but he errs that way and is certainly more independent than I am. It's been good for me, however, pushing me to do more for myself. Only you can gauge whether and when you have the balance right for you.

Both of my boys are similar to him, and I have always warned them to talk openly and honestly with their partners - and also to be self aware, particularly thinking about what would happen if they are injured/unable to do their sports . . .

Why is it good to do things for yourself and on your own for long periods of time though? What’s the point of the relationship? It’s limited and many people really do enjoy the company of their partners and doing things together. I do a certain amount on my own but I don’t want to be a weekend widow to a fanatic who is consumed by their hobby. No thanks.

I am a coupley and affectionate person, but at the same time I am quite OK with being a single person because I enjoy lots about being in complete control of my diary and space.
I compromise that for a relationship because it is fun to have a companion to do stuff with.

I don’t want to end up with the worst of both worlds: less control over my space and limited companionship. Why have a relationship if you aren’t ‘together’?

This seems like an unbalanced relationship from the start.

He might be lovely, but in some ways he's no different from men who game all the time, or football fanatics.

The key question is - are you attracted to who he is, as a whole person? From what I've read, it doesn't feel like you are,because if you were, this wouldn't be an issue.

It's very telling that you also share the same hobby and this is still too much for you. Not a good sign.

It gets tiring being with someone with a mono-interest like that, that tunnel vision. Their hobby will always their sun which is the centre of their universe, and it can be difficult to not feel like a mere minor planet orbiting both them and their interest.

Be careful with such men because of them just want a nice, friendly, patient woman for companionship & sex, but they don't need love or an intimate emotional relationship the way you do.

Oh dear. Really not good. That's disgust setting in.

Yes that would give me ick too Op. Maybe it has a touch of the infantile about it…?

This was my DH. completely climbing obsessed. I went along with it, did a little bit and even tagged along on some trips to watch/take scenic photos etc. But after a while I started finding other stuff to do while he went out. As we got more serious he started to scale back (not that i wanted him exactly), and has now stopped completely (after converting a room in our house to a climbing wall (now a baby room)). I think he realised/was looking for reason to step back and was using his hobby as an escape from real life/l or loneliness (his words) in some ways. I’ve tried to encourage him back as i didn’t want to be a reason anyone stops a hobby as he was very good, which needs a lot of for time training, but he didn’t want to become rubbish. It’s been a few years now of no climbing but he plans to start climbing again with our DC in the summer (who goes to a kids climbing club).

It only caused tension sometimes in the early days as I’d travel two hours to spend weekend at his and he’d either fuck off out or i’d have to go with him, sometimes for 2-4 hours. It was ok when nice weather and i was up for a scenic jolly but sometimes i just wanted to stay in. When he realised I wasn’t trying to stop him or take him away from it he stepped back in his own time. He also had quite low self esteem and thought I’d dump him eventually, especially when i saw how obsessive he was (trained every night almost) and it was part defense mechanism. Sounds lame i know, but he told me didn’t see the point in being the best or high achieving if he had no one to share with, and he’d already achieved what he wanted in the sport for himself.

He’s now a dedicated husband, father who does his fair share of cleaning and childcare, and only dabbles in hobbies (the dreaded cycling) for fitness between family and work commitments.

You tuned into what his priorities are and sense you’ll always be an afterthought. It sucks to compete with a passion you can’t ever top so maybe don’t bother. I wish I hadn’t.

This is a picture of hope - I shall try not to cling onto this story but it does serve as a counter-weight.

As other posters have pointed out as well, DP’s climbing is like any addiction and it is probably filling a void or addressing some emotional need. I don’t really know what that means for me - whether as things settle down between us and his emotional needs are met he might improve and want to do things with me….or whether he’ll just escalate his focus on climbing as we end the honeymoon period.

It seems that he is only offering ‘limited companionship’.

You’ve implied that his conversation and your ‘connection’ is good, he treats you well and shows he cares etc. so guess it depends whether you still want what he’s offering, or think you will in a year or two.

@StrongSandwichChoice You do need to consider why his previous family situation didn’t meet his needs. Did he climb obsessively with his dc or go away and leave them so his ex felt like a widow? Why didn’t the marriage work if he’s kind and caring?

Yes, beware cycling addicts too! My friend’s Dh went mad on triathlons - dropped down dead during one. Who needs all this excessive sport in their lives?