Staying in a relationship with a hobby obsessive (rock climbing)

[StrongSandwichChoice]

I would welcome views on my relationship with - objectively - a completely lovely, kind and affectionate guy. The issue is DP’s total obsession with his hobby: climbing.

We have been seeing each other for more than six months and I would say we spend the usual amount of time together for a couple that had full lives before meeting, so see each other a couple of nights a week and usually a day at the weekend. The potential issue is what BF does the rest of the time and it is almost entirely training for climbing, planning climbing trips, messaging climbing friends or going away climbing.

DP has a full working life, reads the newspaper or whatever so does have other things to talk about and he does make a normal amount of time for our relationship so I hadn’t really been too worried. But following Christmas I have been a bit freaked out by how much this hobby seems to consume his thoughts, cash and time to the exclusion of almost everything else. Any thoughts?

There are probably some benefits - good body, focussed mind and someone with their own life. My dh spends a lot of time on food and drink and none of those benefits come with that, but i do get nice meals.

So i guess you have to weigh up the pros and cons, accepting that he won't change and you shouldn't try.

I think perhaps you need to be clear in your own mind op whether this is about always coming second to something else?

With my dh, it’s his work, but at least that benefits us all as a family ifyswim. But it can get you down when you feel that you are never the priority and it’s always a battle arranging holidays and time off.

Or is it that you want to take the relationship to the next stage but you are failing to see how this could happen or what this would look like, given his prior commitments?

I’m fortunate in that, as an introvert, I like a lot of alone time. And I mean a lot! And I have my own hobbies I pursue quite intensely too. And so I feel content with my life generally because dh is working a lot and it is stressful, but now that our dc are grown up, I get time to breathe and get in to the zone of my activity,

But you may be the sort of person who likes sharing your life with someone more intensely and needs much more together time and that’s ok!

Edited: what was it about Christmas in particular that made you start to doubt things?

If you want to be child free then I'd say it's a good thing as long as he gives plenty of notice of his trips and doesn't expect you to be waiting at home with a hot meal when he comes back. You need to find something that you fill your time with in the same way and are happy with.

With children you will need to be so so careful to clarify exactly how much time he needs to be at home and that you have equal 'hobby' time even if yours is just eating biscuits on the sofa.

I guess it depends what you want long term?
ifyou are happy to date a couple nights a week unless it’s literally all he talks about or all he wants to do when you meet up then I can’t see the issue. If you want the relationship to progress it may not work long term

Finding this fascinating! Thrown off by him having a job and kids though, as surely that means he isn’t climbing literally all the time. Can you give us an example of his day to day week?

when you say the conversation always comes back to climbing, as a non climber this sounds so odd to me 🤣🙈 what could you possibly be talking about?! Could you give examples of how the convo always comes back to it?

would defo be interested in talking to his ex wife to see how much this contributed to their divorce

He has DC, so based on his behaviour and what he’s told you it’s probable he was a poor father due to prioritising his hobby. I’d not want to date a man who’d treated his family that way.

I am married to a man who has an obsessive hobby (sailing). We have been together 25 years and have two teenagers.

It has been tricky to navigate (hah!) at times. I do not sail and have no interest whatsoever in sailing. All our friends are sailors. We live by the coast due to his hobby. Indirectly I gave up my career in London because it was no longer sustainable to commute. It impacts where we go on holidays. In the run up to Christmas he had races for 5 consecutive days. That was the point where i had words about me doing everything and selfishness etc. It's also bloody expensive. I've had to be almost entirely self sufficient at weekends etc for 25 years because he is sailing.

From that perspective - it's not great. But DH is relatively conscious of how much it impacts me and the teens (one of whom does not mind sailing and one who actively hates it). He tries to make up for it in other ways- I dont really pull the 'you spend all this money on your bloody hobby' card very often but on occasion when something has really mattered I will point that out to him and he is sheepish.

I guess what I am saying is... well nothing really. But this is my experience and it's not been easy. Easier if there are no kids undoubtedly. But not easy. If there can be compromises that do not create resentment then maybe explore that. But it's not necessarily an ideal way to live if you want a partnership with a likeminded person. There are things I'[d love to do with DH- go to the cinema, go on city breaks etc and he's simply not interested. I have come to terms with it all, but it often grates on me.

I don't think having a hobby is a bad thing it's just when it takes over stuff in like weekends away or being able to have a non-hobby conversation. My exH is obsessive about his (SCUBA diving), maybe less so now he has remarried but she is also in to it but its still a huge part of his life and all of his friendships are around that hobby.
He can't do anything without considering how it's going to impact his hobby. He's never taken his daughter abroad because why would he pay for a boring holiday abroad when he could pay for a diving one and what a waste of annual leave. All of his weekends are dedicated to it, and he must spend thousands on it. Our daughter refuses to even try it as she's grown up with this.
In contrast I work out 5/6 times a week (exercise classes & PT) and I find it hugely structures my life, keeps me fit, made lots friends, gives me good social life etc..... but the difference is that most of the women I workout with have families and lives outside of our exercise. Were not obsessive at home, we all go on holidays with our families, date nights, weekends away, school activities etc..... all the things my obsessive ex didn't really care about when we were married as it was always about the next dive.

I think you’re missing a key thing here, and you said it yourself in a way. Climbing isn’t a hobby, it’s a major part of his lifestyle and identity. He’s not just going climbing but messaging friends, planning trips etc. This is pretty common within the climbing community. If that’s off-putting or you don’t want to join in then I would suggest just calling it a day. Personally, I don’t see it as a red flag but you need to be accepting as this is who he is.

Climbing is a hobby, unless it’s a source of substantial income.

I used to climb a lot, taught it and went every weekend. Dated a climber, I wouldn't do it again, they make every decision about climbing.

It means you can never take any other kind of holiday together, there are no spare resources it all goes to climbing.

I have hobbies that I do every day, I can still take about other stuff and go to different places not to do with my hobbies.

They just become boring, pretty sure my ex is still single and actually remortgaged the house to climb for a year years ago.

Nosey @StrongSandwichChoice @TheRedBear ! Namedropping on MN would be rather outing...for him 😁

@DiggerLily - my experience of every conversation turning to climbing was in regard to places I'd travelled to - he'd been there or wanted to go. If the weather was cold, he'd talk about his ice climbing experiences. All his friends were climbers, so all his stories were climbing related. My DS was a bit of a loner as a teen, so he'd talk about his experience of training teens who were loners finding their feet in the climbing community.

Typing this makes him sound duller than he was - he truly was engaging, but he did turn most things to climbing.

As per the bottom of your post, I'd have loved to have talked to his ex wife. His expeditions would take him away from home 6 weeks at a time (being the first up a snowy mountain isn't done in a day) and he was a dad when he was doing so. If I'd have been his wife, I'd have been done long before she was. Not only was it the time away from home, his life was in significant danger doing these climbs, as he was so isolated and far from civilization.

His own children climb and it looks like the women he's with now has young adult children who are getting into the sport and the lifestyle with them(wild camping in February anyone?!)

It was never a serious thing with my ex. We had a lot of giggles, but our agenda was always on his terms for when he was free and not away camping for the weekend with his mates as they wanted to get the route right up a new rock face miles away in the Peak District or Scotland somewhere.

If you're not into climbing in a big way @StrongSandwichChoice , I'd advise cutting ties now, as you'll never be prioritised.

If you have to overthink something and question if it’s right then you already have the answer. He’s not the one for you. Trust your heart.

I think any challenge you put towards him about the amount of time he spends on climbing will fall flat. He has already prioritised climbing over his previous relationship (from what you have observed).

You could try de-prioritising him in your life - find other activities that make you unavailable for dates - and see what the response is. If he starts to make more time and effort for the relationship, it’s a good sign. If he fills the extra time he has with more climbing, that’s not good.

Or you just need to have a really honest, adult chat with him to see what he says.

This is who he is - a climbing enthusiast. He’s been one the entire time you’ve known him. He hasn’t hidden it.

Speaking as the female version of this, albeit in another sport, I am immensely grateful to my DH that he has always been a supporter of my all consuming need to take part in my hobby. He knew I did my hobby when we first met, and I do my hobby now to such an extent that he recently commented ‘my wife’s hobby is more important than my job.’ He said it jokingly, but it was close! I’ve gone from nowhere to national champion and British team member. And I’m obsessed. When we go to new places, I often go ‘ooh, this would….’ and the rest of my family finish with ‘…make a good venue for your hobby!’

I do, however, always understand that he needs time with me, and I need time with him too. He has a couple of good hobbies of his own, not as all consuming as mine, but I do encourage him to do his as much as possible, and he does. In the absence of the other, we would both have our own lives and hobbies, but I love him dearly and will be forever grateful he’s accepted me for what I am and let me have the freedom to follow my goals and dreams.

For the OP, you know what he is - either let him do it, or let him go.

@StrongSandwichChoice I have to say I’m not impressed by anyone who is a fanatic. They really do just think of themselves first. You have to fit in. I think you probably know his dc had to fit into his hobby. I also asked you how often he sees them now? Do they have a dad/dc normal relationship or is it only a relationship built around climbing? Do you meet them? I’m not surprised he’s divorced if he didn’t help much and put himself first.

This just feels too obsessive for me and I don’t agree that people cannot amend their schedules for someone they love. This is not his job. He needs someone with an identical need to climb. Identical thoughts about climbing. I’d feel suffocated by this. My DH comes with me for my hobby and he plays golf. We find lots of things to do that are nothing to do with either! We don’t go on holiday looking for our hobby opportunities. I’m really not sure he will back off climbing and can you live with this? You will always be second to climbing.

I was in a relationship with a hobby obsessive once. I joined in at first but wasn’t into it to the extent he was. Eventually he didn’t even want to have a conversation if it wasn’t about the hobby. And then my child had an accident and I was in hospital for three days and i needed him to bring some things as I couldn’t go home, but had to wait hours because he had to do his hobby first. No thank you.

I have a man who becomes obsessed with hobbies (mine circles around different ones but the hobby of the day can be all-consuming). If he keeps talking about it I do say to him, look MrDoubtful, I couldn’t care any less about this topic so we need to talk about something else. He gets a few minutes to download to me (as I do to him about my interests) and that’s it.

We also have different ideas about holidays and activities- there’s a sort of Venn diagram and we go away together for the ones in the overlap, and we each go and do the things the other doesn’t enjoy by ourselves, or I go with my dc or friends. Because of the overlap, and because we both try hard to be communicative and reasonable, it works for us.

As you don’t anticipate having kids together I can’t really see a problem on the face of it. You’ll both be independent people with some shared interests and I personally think that’s enough to hold a couple together.

@DoubtfulCat Maybe the op isn’t looking for continued independence? Why have a partner if you just do everything alone or everything is planned around his hobby? It’s pointless and not fun, and certainly not a caring relationship.

The people saying their DH/DP is like this and describing the relationship is helpful, but also really sad.

I have been lucky enough to have a couple of loving partnerships in my life and I would like to have another - ideally this one. For me, that just doesn’t align with the kind of self-absorption that comes with spending significant family income or deciding where the family will live based on one person’s hobby. That’s probably not really an issue here.

I do imagine that this had an impact on DP’s ex and DC but he is ex-armed forces so it is always difficult to tell from the stories what climbing was done at work/on deployment etc and what was done at cost to the young family. I’m just trying to take him as I find him.

There are hobbies and there are obsessions. This man's obsession is starting to bother you, despite sharing his interest to an extent. You could learn to live with it, if you can fill your time with your own hobbies / friends, or join in with him more. Or discuss with him how he can moderate his obsession to a level thar suits you. But ultimately you have to weigh up what you can / can't deal with. 6 months is early on though - if you're not sure, I'd stick it out for a while and see how things go. (If it were me, I'd go with my gut instinct, but I'm not sure if that's the best way to approach life's issues....)

Or discuss with him how he can moderate his obsession to a level thar suits you.

I suppose I am interested to know whether asking for moderation is fair or even possible. And what that could even look like. I can’t complain about the time we currently spend together and we have separate finances. So it is more what is in prospect.

Ironically, I think he believes prefers to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t climb. But, yeah, maybe that’s so his partner can arrange the hot meal…

I wouldn’t even try to change him. This is who he is.

I was in a relationship with someone who was exRAF. I can honestly say that 99% of the time wherever we went flying came into it somehow. There would be yet another airfield we would have to visit etc., because we just happened to be in the vicinity.

It was (and still is), his first love above everything else including me, at the time.

There are lots of these ‘hobby widows’ out there who slowly become one without knowing until it’s too late (they fall in love), but you seem very switched on and aware of what you would be letting yourself into.

@StrongSandwichChoice what would the relationship look like as it progresses, ideally, for you? How much of a gap is there between what you would like and the reality? Where does the compromise fall, for you?

@StrongSandwichChoiceFamily relationship might depend where he was stationed and if family went with him. Job and climbing seem detached from sharing family life with his ex.

It’s unlikely he will moderate his climbing time for you and I’ve seen men be very stubborn about similar things too. Changing when middle aged seems something they won’t contemplate. See how you get on but if he doesn’t have much else going on in his life, he will end up boring you.