Staying in a relationship with a hobby obsessive (rock climbing)

[StrongSandwichChoice]

I would welcome views on my relationship with - objectively - a completely lovely, kind and affectionate guy. The issue is DP’s total obsession with his hobby: climbing.

We have been seeing each other for more than six months and I would say we spend the usual amount of time together for a couple that had full lives before meeting, so see each other a couple of nights a week and usually a day at the weekend. The potential issue is what BF does the rest of the time and it is almost entirely training for climbing, planning climbing trips, messaging climbing friends or going away climbing.

DP has a full working life, reads the newspaper or whatever so does have other things to talk about and he does make a normal amount of time for our relationship so I hadn’t really been too worried. But following Christmas I have been a bit freaked out by how much this hobby seems to consume his thoughts, cash and time to the exclusion of almost everything else. Any thoughts?

Really depends if he's also capable of switching down a bit. DH and I met when I was late 40's , his hobby at the time was model railways, model railway exhibitions etc etc etc... which as my own ds was also heavily involved was how we met. BUT dh never talked about it to the exclusion of everything else and recognised that doing so would have bored me stupid. Instead we had mutual hobbies and things we do seperately as well. He never expected me to absorb myself in something that interested me but didn't hold absolute fascination.
Conversely, my first husband was totally obsessed with a music hobby and would leave me on my own with a small baby and disappear for hours on end to do his hobby without any thought for me or the baby, which did ultimately contribute to our divorce as he was just never actually present in our lives.

I think climbers and other outdoor enthusiasts can get like that.
I'm not a climber but I'm a long-distance hiker and cross-country skier (on groomed trails but also in the backcountry in Norway).
I do have some other interests but a large part of my spare time is spent doing these activities, or planning the next trip in great detail, or researching equipment or reading books on the subject or chatting to people online about it.

I'm single at the moment and my interest in the outdoors is not the reason why my previous relationships broke up but it's a reason why I won't get involved with anyone any more. I just don't have the time for them and I can't really be bothered and also, in a way, I know it wouldn't be fair to them because all my holidays are used up doing these things and I wouldn't want to "waste" precious holiday on doing something that my partner would be interested in. And I also don't want someone coming along on any of my trips because I prefer to go alone. Yes, it sounds selfish but I'm aware and we only have one life and this is how I want to spend mine.

So you have to think about whether your partner is offering you enough of his time - I think two nights a week and one day at the weekend is good for a 6 month relationship and this would suggest that he's prepared to use some of his free time for you, rather than letting climbing take over everything. Things might change though as you are together longer and it's possible he might spend less time with you as the honeymoon period wears off a bit. You might have to wait and see.

Do you feel like the amount of climbing and the amount of discussion about climbing is increasing? Or has it been like that from the beginning?
If it's increasing and starting to get on your nerves more, that's a bad sign.

You seem to be keen on him other than this issue. You don't want to have a family with him and he is spending time with you. So maybe give it a bit longer to see how it pans out.
Have you booked a holiday together yet? Or weekends away? That would tell you a lot I think.

If he's spending what you keep saying is a normal amount of time with you, and paying you attention and being attentive when you're together, then what he does outside of that is really his own concern.

As long as he understands you're not into climbing and therefore wouldn't want to hear/talk about it endlessly.

You must have things you enjoy doing, maybe not one very intense interest but a few things. Even just interest in fashion, science, nature, cooking, current affairs, exercise etc might seem boring to those who don't share that interest.

But it's healthy for people to have passions/hobbies. It's better than 'hobbies' like drinking, vaping, gambling, wanking...

@StrongSandwichChoice - so as you know and other PPs have echoed, you’re not going to change him.

You ask how long you should give it…but I think you need to be clearer on what ‘it’ looks like…what (very specifically) do you want him to do/not do for you to be happier?

I have met several men like this, totally obsessed with a hobby, one is obsessed with mountain biking, his life (other than work) is made up of training and travelling to different locations to cycle. He has no other hobbies, even holidays are planned around bikes.

Being in a relationship with someone like this would drive me nuts and make me lose interest in said hobby (if it was something I was originally interested in). I have hobbies but not just one that I put all my focus into. I like to do and talk about lots of different things.

Not obsessed with his mother or family.
Not obsessed with his ex or kids.
So overall no drama.
Yeah send him my way op i`ll put up with a bit of rock talk.

Unless you are just looking for something to end over, because hes giving you the ick about the very thing you do aswell.
You dont need a reason so just end it move on so each can find someone else.

My climbing obsessive husband wants to know what grade he's climbing at and what grade you're climbing at 😂

Personally I wish I could dedicate more of my life to getting better, having rediscovered the joy of it after 15 years of neither of us climbing whilst raising a child who hates it!

To certain people, climbing in all it's forms (not just indoor bouldering which is one tiny, tiny aspect of a big sport) is everything they could ever want in an activity. Trad climbing is a world apart, ice climbing also, bouldering indoors vs outdoors, walking in to a massive multi-pitch mountain route vs sea cliff sport climbing - it's all so different and so much fun. If it's his life but not yours and you don't intend it to be, perhaps you need to be fair to him, tell him that and see what he says.

Just be aware that if he gives it up to become what you want, you might lose the person he was.

Is it the time spent on it, or the talking about it? Or he whole idea he is super into it? For me, the time would be fine as he clearly prioritises spending a normal amount of time with you, and as kids are off the cards, if you're happy with the amount of time he spends with you that's all gravy. If youd rather he see you more, or you think in the future you need more time from him, discuss it. If it's the non stop talking, have you tried asking him not to? Dh likes motorbikes and I just tell him it's unattractive to hear him banging on about it when i dont enjoy discussing them, he doesn't realise he does it, I just say "shall we talk about something else" and he snaps out of it! If it's just the concept of it all that's unattractive to you, then you probably need to break up because you can't ask him to enjoy it less and it's a bit sad that someone having a focus and passion is unattractive to you - maybe look into that, if it is that!

I dated a climber for a while. He did it for a job (trainer) as well as a hobby. I wasn't a climber, although I went a couple of times to engage with him. Not my bag.

He was attractive, engaging, fun, had lots of stories and I loved the kudos of dating someone who was the person in the world to have first climbed 2 unclimbed mountains.

He did finger exercises for his sport. That alone meant I stayed longer than I probably should have, as he put them to very good use.

I ended up calling him Mr Winter - I never saw him in summer, as all he did was climbing.

Last time I looked on his Insta, I found that he's now with a climber - an ex elite sportsperson he trained from novice.

I'm so glad he's happy, but he wasn't for me.

@Globules oh I'm now curious who that is 😂

I had this with an ex. Glad we’re no longer together as it left little space for me as a whole person in the relationship.

HNRTFT but can honestly say that this will not change. My husband is now very well into his 60s and climbing has been his number 1 interest throughout our marriage!
I want to say run for the hills now…an ironic statement but true!
His friends are all climbers and hate to say it ..all of a similar ilk !
Perfectly nice but….

Anyone who has an obsession is hard with if you don’t share it. I know someone who went out with a climber for a year. She went along on climbing holidays with him and his mates and did the cooking and shopping! A quick reality check - he never did anything she wanted to do. It was down the pub and talking about - climbing! Such fun! Honestly, don’t waste your time and be a climbing widow. It looks horrible when I saw it in action!

I guess what it boils down to is not really about the climbing but about what life you would like to be living - if you were envisioning being part of a couple who went on all sorts of varied adventures together, wine tasting in Italy, hiking in New Zealand, exploring Prague Christmas markets etc etc and this man will just want to go climbing - then maybe he isn’t the one for you? But if his climbing doesn’t at all impact your life vision then perhaps it doesn’t matter at all?

Just generally - the fact that it’s starting to bother you now is possibly enough of a reason to call it off! It’s unlikely to bother you less as the honeymoon period fades!

Oh wow - who is this?!

DP is an excellent climber and qualified instructor and I can imagine exactly this happening, except DP would be more focussed on the climbing than the girl.

To everyone saying, well, what’s the problem: I can’t really explain why I am so cautious except to say that the sport seems to wield a scary amount of pull-factor. Like as soon as I said something about wanting to visit X place he was looking up possible crags… I wanted to visit the tourist places. This level of being totally consumed by an interest is alien to me.

@bcski you give an excellent description of the level of focus you have and I think DP would understand (relate) but he does want a relationship.

He has DC and I honestly don’t know how he has fitted family life in with this (hence why I am sure it is a factor in his divorce) because it is about the amount of headspace it takes up.

My ex had numerous hobbies. He would get frustrated when he couldn’t do them (ie spending time with me and sighing at the weather being perfect for the hobby). His hobbies did alter a little when we had children but still took a lot of his time. I didn’t expect him to change but it became untenable and one of the many reasons I left him. Should have done it much, much earlier in retrospect but low self esteem felt like the snatches of his time were all I deserved. You either need to join in if you enjoy it, if not get out because the hobby is worth more than you are to him by the sounds of it.

@StrongSandwichChoiceDid he fit his family in? Or were they, in effect, abandoned? I’m assuming his ex might have something to say on this? How much does he see his family? Or is he too busy climbing? Sounds rather selfish to me.

Does he actually have anything else to talk about?

Could you try telling him you do enjoy climbing, but you don't like to talk about it all the time. See his that goes, but if it's irritating you do much.. no matter how good looking he is.. this isn't sustainable.

He gives you the usual time.
You have lovely times.
He doesn't exclude you from the hobby.
Possibly he is nicer to date than someone who drinks alcohol every day.
He cooks very healthy food and keeps healthy hours of sleep..
In future his children will enjoy the climbing too.

On the plus side, his climbing gives you periods of time to catch up with other things, work, sleep, hobbies and seeing family and friends.
That could be liberating.

The DC are now older, but I can’t work out how this amount of time out of the house to go to climb would have worked when the DC were younger. He does talk about taking them with him to train (the DC can climb) but it is clear that they have other hobbies as well. Perhaps he did less climbing than he does now with a young family but that doesn’t really seem to be the case.

He cooks very healthy food and keeps healthy hours of sleep

Not sure about the cooking thing - he is not a big cook, it’s mainly about peanut butter smoothies. That’s OK because I cannot cook or consume the amount of calories he needs for the sport.

Well, he's not going to change. The thing is can you live with it.

You are not compatible. Leave

You've only been with him for six months.

He was into climbing before you met him. You matched because you both like climbing.

Now you are complaining about his climbing.

You want him to change. Already. Because he's climbing too much.

This isn't going to work. He's not the right person for you.

You need to talk to him. Tell him exactly how you feel and what you need and want and see where you get to with it. You need to start negotiating for what you need from him and see if he can give it. In addition if he is talking about climbing and you are bored don't pretend to be interested - change the subject or end the conversation. You will soon find out if the two of you can make it work or not (probably not.....).

I do agree wit the poster who said that for some people this sort of relationship could work well as it gives you time to do your own thing. But accept that for some people that’s not what they want.

dh is obsessed about two similar outdoor hobbies which take an inordinate amount of time. Ironically we met rock climbing though neither of us climb now.

he got up at 5 this morning and is heading out the door now to go and do his sport, he won’t be back till very late tonight. He does it a few evenings a week, most weekends at least one day and uses a lot of his annual leave to go and do it.

it was a pita when dc were little but now they’ve left home I kind of like it. I like having the house to myself for a day, I like being able to meet friends for lunch, go to the gym, go to an art class, go do Pilates. It does work for us.