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Original poster

Staying in a relationship with a hobby obsessive (rock climbing)

131 replies

StrongSandwichChoice · 03/01/2026 09:51

I would welcome views on my relationship with - objectively - a completely lovely, kind and affectionate guy. The issue is DP’s total obsession with his hobby: climbing.

We have been seeing each other for more than six months and I would say we spend the usual amount of time together for a couple that had full lives before meeting, so see each other a couple of nights a week and usually a day at the weekend. The potential issue is what BF does the rest of the time and it is almost entirely training for climbing, planning climbing trips, messaging climbing friends or going away climbing.

DP has a full working life, reads the newspaper or whatever so does have other things to talk about and he does make a normal amount of time for our relationship so I hadn’t really been too worried. But following Christmas I have been a bit freaked out by how much this hobby seems to consume his thoughts, cash and time to the exclusion of almost everything else. Any thoughts?

OP posts:
JLou08 · 03/01/2026 11:37

I don't see the issue. He works, has a full day at the weekend and a couple of evenings a week for you and a hobby that is good for his physical and mental health. It sounds like a good balance to me.

PersephonePomegranate · 03/01/2026 11:41

If it's bothering, its a problem, that's all it comes down to. What do you want from a relationship im terms of time together/personal interests etc? It sounds like the balance is off.

beasmithwentworth · 03/01/2026 11:43

I had a 3 year relationship with someone who was obsessively into climbing. I went along a few times and enjoyed it and he really appreciated my enthusiasm.. however it wasn’t something we could do ‘together together’ regularly as he’d been doing it for years, went away on climbs with similarly experienced people.

It wasn’t this that led to our splitting up, however my first thought was ‘he needs to meet someone who is in his (or another) climbing club’ who shares a similar level of passion for it.

Maybe your DP is less so and you will find your balance with it. Maybe as you two get closer he’ll be prepared to ease up on 1/2 sessions a week. I guess if you want to carry on then time will tell. But a man who is truly obsessed with a ‘hobby’ is hard to persuade otherwise.

MyNattyCrow · 03/01/2026 11:46

JLou08 · 03/01/2026 11:37

I don't see the issue. He works, has a full day at the weekend and a couple of evenings a week for you and a hobby that is good for his physical and mental health. It sounds like a good balance to me.

It’s ok for the OP to think this isn’t the relationship for her though. She’s at the point of thinking ‘do you hear yourself’ when he talks about his hobby and it’s only been 6 months. It’s even putting her off climbing.

totally fine to say that it’s not right for her.

SoManyDandelions · 03/01/2026 11:46

It wouldn't bother me, as long as you get a decent amount of time together.

DH and I have two DC. He runs, cycles and climbs. I love that he has interests that keep him fit and healthy! I would not like to be married to a man with no hobbies, or whose hobbies were pub/watching football/grouse shooting/horse racing etc.

3luckystars · 03/01/2026 11:52

UncannyFanny · 03/01/2026 11:19

Oh god here we go. ‘Ewww you’ve got the ick!’

How very adult and mature..,

Does being ‘mature’ mean ignoring your own body and signals? Then I will stay immature thanks.

I don’t like the word either but it is real.

RescueMeFromThisSilliness · 03/01/2026 11:59

If he is this obsessed with it (and there's nothing wrong with that in itself) it will probably also mean that when you mention anything resembling a holiday together or a weekend away, he isn't going to think about it the way you do. He will expect it to be somewhere he can spend most of his time climbing, not where the two of you can lounge by a pool or go sightseeing etc.

This is an issue that's not going to go away.

ForTipsyFinch · 03/01/2026 12:02

I think this situation really depends on what is actually happening- do you feel he is using this hobby as an avoidant focus, or do you want to spend time with him, but feel he chooses the hobby? Some men do hyper focus on hobbies as a way to maintain/create distance to prevent anything progressing. Either way, it doesn’t sound as though you are especially aligned.

Catza · 03/01/2026 14:23

It's hard to quantify what's the appropriate level of interest in a hobby. But I'd be delighted he has one and is not rotting on a sofa complaining about being tired every weekend like my ex did.
I have a lot of interests and can talk people's ears off about them but all it takes is for someone to say they want to talk about or do something different for me to rein in in. So my question is, have you actually talked to him about you not wanting to invest so much time in discussing it or is he blissfully unaware that you don't have the same level of interest in it? Because you also have a climbing wall membership and, perhaps, you misrepresented your commitment to the hobby somewhat at the start of the relationship. We've all been there, haven't we?

On the surface, you see him as much as you want to see him, he is a functional adult... The rest is probably just a miscommunication.

Original poster
StrongSandwichChoice · 03/01/2026 18:50

So my question is, have you actually talked to him about you not wanting to invest so much time in discussing it or is he blissfully unaware that you don't have the same level of interest in it? Because you also have a climbing wall membership and, perhaps, you misrepresented your commitment to the hobby somewhat at the start of the relationship. We've all been there, haven't we?

I think this is a fair question. I do think of myself as interested in climbing, I want to progress and improve and would love to be good at it. But it is one of lots of interests that I have, and all of my training and workouts aren’t solely focussed on the goal of improving climbing. I definitely didn’t misrepresent myself - if anything I have kind of had to play down my ambitions because he pounces on my enthusiasm and that becomes the evening’s discussion.

Aside from this we are really well matched, physically and intellectually. I am just a bit freaked out by how single-focussed this is.

OP posts:
Daleksatemyshed · 03/01/2026 19:11

The real acid test here Op is how he reacts if you say you'd like to do something together that has no connection to his hobby. If he's not capable of really enjoying your company unless you're climbing or he's talking about it then that's a problem. If you're starting to think he's too fixated already then that's not good, even if his hobby is healthy that doesn't mean being obsessed with it is a good thing

Plankton89 · 03/01/2026 19:14

Don’t have children with him.

Original poster
StrongSandwichChoice · 03/01/2026 19:19

He doesn’t come across as obsessive at first. He gives the impression of being a well-rounded guy. But I find when he is with me he will de-rail things so we are back talking about climbing. And yes, to the posters that mentioned holidays or weekends away the topics just get pulled back to climbing.

I have said ‘I would like to do X’ and been firm and we’ve done what I wanted to do (fine). What I am not really sure about is whether or how I have a conversation about his complete commitment to climbing. I am not sure if it is reasonable to ask him to do less or if I give up.

Bluntly, he is too attractive and good to chat to for me to want to waste - how long do I try for?

OP posts:
PrizedPickledPopcorn · 03/01/2026 19:42

Until the irritation outweighs the pleasure.

He is accidentally causing you work as you resist the pull to discuss climbing. You are getting moments of ick at the moment. As time goes on you’ll either get better at keeping the conversation on a broader track, or you’ll get more irritated. That’s the time to decide whether or not to let it go.

Beamur · 03/01/2026 19:50

My DH is a lot like this.
Has been his most consuming interest in 40+ years. Still climbs 3+ times a week, dominates spare time, etc.
I think when it's this all consuming you just have to accept it's who they are. It probably cost DH his first marriage and nearly at times his second! But our kids are older now and it's not as big a deal and I am also busy with my own interests - but ultimately it's up to you.

midgetastic · 03/01/2026 19:56

Take up climbing - it’s great fun

Dozer · 03/01/2026 19:57

Is the problem that he talks too much about climbing? (Dull)

What makes you think his behaviour regarding climbing was a factor in his divorce? Does HE have DC?

Dozer · 03/01/2026 19:57

RTFT @midgetastic OP has said she likes climbing.

MountainStorm · 03/01/2026 20:01

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 03/01/2026 11:26

DH had a similar obsession, back in the day. We would be looking for a nice spot to eat our picnic, he’d be ‘not here, just a bit further, no, ah here we go!’, and we’d be at a spot that suited his interest.
It was unpleasant feeling that even when we were together, doing the same thing at the same time, half his mind was somewhere else. My mental image of us enjoying the sun, view, company, having a couple moments, did not line up with his mental image in which I was a side interest.

Out of interest, was his initial interest in you quite intense? Did he pursue you in any way?

bird watching?

GrannyTeapot · 03/01/2026 20:02

I have a hobby I’m passionate about AND teach, so in many ways it has taken over my thoughts/actions/spare cash. However, and this is a big however, my DP knows he gets my undivided attention when we are together and that time with him is always the priority. I wonder whether your guy has unthinkingly presumed you want chatter about the hobby as it is a shared one in theory…I’m just thinking if my partner enjoyed my activity I could very easily become unaware I was focusing on it a lot.
Talk to him.

summitfever · 03/01/2026 20:02

I’ll have him! 😜

RandomMess · 03/01/2026 20:05

I think I would mention that you think his obsession with climbing contributed to his divorce and observe his reaction.

Dgll · 03/01/2026 20:15

It wouldn't bother me but it sounds like it bothers you. The men I know do tend to be very focused on certain things or not very interested in anything. No one is perfect.

Iwouldratherbemuckingout · 03/01/2026 20:15

I have an all encompassing hobby - horses, and my commitment and dedication has created issues in previous relationships. However my DH accepts it’s part of who I am, and says me spending time at the stables means he gets time to pursue his own interests and I come home happy. When we’re together I do talk about the horses, but make sure it doesn’t dominate and tell him to tell me if it does! Essentially I am considerate of him because he matters to me.

I guess all you can do is keep enjoying the relationship till you aren’t, and work out whether there is sufficient space for you, and the climbing in his life. You both deserve to be with someone who makes you happy.

ChamonixMountainBum · 03/01/2026 20:17

I row competitively, have done for 20+ years, its one of those sports that you can't just dip into a few times a month. I train 5/6 days a week, I am also aware that my sport bores the arse off most people so I try not to talk about it away from the club. Thankfully my wife is a competitive rower too, I dont think being with a non rowing person would have worked at all.