Dealing with increasingly extreme political views in a good friend

[RandomNameChangeAlgorithm]

I think its a hand-hold needed more than actual advice.

I have a friend who I've known for 30 years and who I've been through a lot of my life with. At her best, she's a wonderful friend. She can be entertaining and good fun, very intelligent and very supportive. She's been with me through most of the most significant parts of my life.

Increasingly her political views are become pretty extreme (on the right). Having been someone who described herself as a "left winger" and "progressive" for most of our friendship, she has now pivoted in the space of about two years to being someone who is "open to hearing from" Tommy Robinson, believes that Muslims in the UK are a threat to our safety, goes on ad nauseam about the grooming gangs etc. Believes the current government is antisemitic. Has very extreme views on gay people: she's gone from a position of being anti-trans (which I don't agree with but is more understandable) to basically saying all gay people have been brainwashed by the left. Everything, and I mean everything, is "woke".

To be really clear: I don't agree with any of these positions and I find some of them abhorrent but I acknowledge her right to hold these views. I'm pretty much a centrist, politically, slightly left of centre but not an extreme leftist (I was always politically to the right of her). But I'm very relaxed about being friends with people from different backgrounds and discussing different viewpoints, I just can't stomach having to endlessly debate this stuff. It's impossible to talk about anything else and I find it exhausting and just want to talk about normal things once in a while.

I've previously said to her that she and I will never agree on, for example, the need to expel Muslims from the UK, I respect that its her right to hold these views but I find them abhorrent and upsetting and can we just agree not to talk about this subject as I find it difficult. But she won't accept this and will always bring every discussion around to this, without fail. I can't spend more than about ten minutes in her company or on the phone talking about anything neutral without a rant about Muslims or gays or the "woke media". It's as if its some sort of compulsion, an attention seeking thing to bring everything back to her political position.

I suppose I've got to a point where I find this so toxic and exhausting I can't deal with it any more and have been avoiding spending time with her and I feel guilty. I've been wrestling with whether to tell her directly why I can't handle it or just let the friendship drift. She's lost touch with a lot of our mutual friends from the past recently because people can't deal with the politics: old friends have basically ghosted her and I know she is sad and confused about this. I sort of feel she is owed an explanation, we've known one another for so long, but I also can't face getting into a long debate about why I've been brainwashed by the woke media etc etc. I don't have the mental bandwidth for it.

Do I owe this to her? Or should I just accept that the friendship is over.

From what you’ve said, I don’t think you could have possibly done much more to try to separate your friendship from your differing political beliefs. And it’s actually quite refreshing to read, rather than a blanket ‘they think this and I think that, so we must now be dead to each other’.

I think that if you try and talk to her, she’s going to shut down any statement you make with an argument. You’d be wasting your breath and she’s unlikely to take on board anything that you’re saying because she’ll see it as an attack on her beliefs, rather than an explanation that you can’t listen to it anymore. I’d either send her an email or a letter. Something you can sleep on overnight before you send it.

Maybe something like ‘We have very different beliefs on a lot of topics but we’ve usually managed to separate the two and just enjoy our friendship together, which has been incredibly important to me. I understand how passionate you are about your beliefs and, while I love your passion, and respect your right to hold a different opinion to me, I cannot cope with every conversation from where to go on holiday to how the sweet peas are doing in the garden, being turned into a debate about woke theory. It’s exhausting and draining. I’d hoped that talking to you about it would make you ease off, so we could go back to being two old friends who enjoy each other’s company but, if anything, it’s got worse. I’m not interested in debating Tommy Robinson’s views on Islam when all I’ve asked you is whether you want a biscuit with your tea. I know that you’ve been deeply hurt that some of our mutual friends have distanced themselves from you and you haven’t understood why. I love you dearly and I don’t want to add to that hurt unnecessarily, so I wanted to explain why I need to take a step back from our friendship. I will always be here and when you’re ready to put that line back between friendship and politics, I’ll be knocking on the door with tea and cake. Love always, Random’

You mentioned work. Do you do any Prevent training as part of that? I'd be telling her "Look, DFriend, your views are becoming more and more in line with the typical person that's talked about during our Prevent training. The way you're going you'll end up being reported."

Not wanting to listen go someone discussing the same things every time you see them is absolutely not the same as living in a bubble.

There's a man in our friendship group who is close to losing a few friends because he's become absolutely relentless. Christmas Eve drinks - dominated the chat with politics. Friend's birthday - dominated the chat with politics. His nieces christening - dominated the chat with politics. Friend's wedding - dominated the chat with politics.

It's relentless, and completely unnecessary. Nobody would accept someone repeatedly dominating the chat at every single event about any other thing, this is no different.

People tried politely moving the chat on, he just went back to it every time. People tried politely saying they didn't want to discuss anymore politics and he talked over them. It's overbearing, and at this stage rude. After the Christmas Eve drinks and friend rather bluntly said "you do realise people are finding you rude and tedious..." and he was genuinely shocked. By all accounts he wasn't much better on NYE though.

It was more a general observation rather than specifically referring to you, OP. But it's hard to define 'unreliable sources' when the mainstream media has its own agenda. I don't think the Guardian is any more reliable than the Telegraph or the Mail. What's most important in my view is people's lived experiences. I would describe myself as right-wing on immigration, benefits and transgender nonsense, but I also have left-wing views on the nationalisation of public utilities, spending money on building council houses and scrapping the aristocracy. In the past, I have voted both Labour and Conservative. If an election was tomorrow, I would probably vote Reform but I don't think that makes me an extremist

Friendships end, sometimes it is painful, however you should do this. Anyone who thinks the convicted criminal Stephen Yaxley-Lennon is worth a hearing should be no friend.

😳 What observations about Muslim communities? What’s wrong with them?

This sort of thinking is the crux of the issue. How does one ever make ones own mind up if you never listen to the words of the people you have already made your mind up about due to only listening to what the media are prepared to tell you?

Just because people listen to other people who don't agree with them, doesn't make them bad people. It's the ones who refuse to listen to anyone else that are narrow minded and closed off.

And this is how the left get themselves into their own tailspins of cancel culture and virtue signalling.

🙄 well quite .. hence I’m wondering if she Actually says that. No one (apart from maybe very religious people in America) says such things as ‘gay people have been brainwashed by the left’.

It’s so ridiculous I’m trying to see if that’s what she actually said. In those words. So often things are polarised and frankly, incorrectly quoted, that I wondered.

One clear example being people calling JKR transphobic, stating she’s said she hates trans people. That is said a lot. However not once has she said such a thing, not once has she said anything transphobic. What she Has done is highlighted scientific fact. I wondered if that’s what ops friend was doing.

Obv if the friend really does think that ‘all homosexual people have been brainwashed by politics’, then that’s another matter entirely. Differences in politics are one thing, variety of views is a good thing - but homophobics / bigots are not people I’d want to be friends with.

The left rarely ram their views?

😂😂😂 That’s the most disillusioned comment I’ve seen in a while. Most right wing people don’t actually expose their politics to friends and colleagues, due to fear of being ostracised. Luckily the Overton window is shifting finally and it’s becoming a little easier now. You’ll see it more openly on here because it’s anonymous

There’s the famous joke isn’t there…

”how do you know someone votes Labour?”.

“don’t worry they’ll fucking tell you”

I would have an urge to say ‘and quite clearly you’ve been watching far too much GB News and reading the Express / /Telegraph ‘

If you're done with them as a friend, can you send them my way? Sounds like they'd be great fun @RandomNameChangeAlgorithm . Happy to take them off your hands and reduce your anxiety. Have a lovely 2026!

😂😂 indeed

If somebody is a trans vegan, which one do they tell you first ?

Brainwashing can and is happening on both ends of the political spectrum, however I believe the fact so many women are left wing is a lot to do with social conditioning and not being disagreeable by nature.

Too close to call 😂

How about a trans-vegan-pilot?

Actually they might not need to say anything.

I feel for you. I am dealing with the same issue with a close family member and cannot simply walk away. I probably would if it was a friend.

I agree with some of what you say. The relative I will not discuss politics with gets her information mainly from pro Palestine tiktok pages. I would take the guardian or the telegraph

Tell her and then go low contact

OP - just drop the friendship. Friendships grow and some break. If you can’t agree to not speak about politics then move on. I have friends from across the spectrum and some cannot abide opposing views so we keep convo light. If your friend can’t accept it then it’s time to move on.

I agree with this post. Having left leaning views (even far left) is far more acceptable. As a centrist I often feel more bullied by left leaning people than the right, the trans debate (or lack thereof) was a key example of where I genuinely felt scared I’d loose my job if I didn’t comply with right think. If you question anything, you’re deemed far right which is a real issue.

As an aside, I remember the left lauding the murder of Charlie Kirk which I found completely grotesque. My own extended family were cheering about it with one saying “it’s a shame it wasn’t Trump”, it absolutely disgusted me.

It’s easy to say immigration isn’t an issue if you didn’t live in an area where you were fighting for resources and had the diversity wars between different cultures on your doorstep. Integration is a real problem in a lot of working class areas. If you haven’t lived it, you wouldn’t get it.

Regarding reliable media - we do have press complaints and legal avenues for lies in the press here. Not so with on line rubbish. Newspapers are allowed opinion pieces but there are lines in the sand in terms of legal content. However we all have to think about who is actually a friend and if their views don’t align with yours, then it’s a big issue and friendship is a stretch.

Have you ever put a complaint in to the BBC? It's a joke. It goes nowhere.

The BBC who literally faked a Trump speech twice. And whose 'misinformation' lead lied on her CV.

You couldn't make the BBC up if you tried.

If you value your friend, just don’t discuss politics.

People who are unhealthily obsessed with politics usually do so to the detriment of their personality.

Do you mean the OP? Or her friend?