Dealing with increasingly extreme political views in a good friend

[RandomNameChangeAlgorithm]

I think its a hand-hold needed more than actual advice.

I have a friend who I've known for 30 years and who I've been through a lot of my life with. At her best, she's a wonderful friend. She can be entertaining and good fun, very intelligent and very supportive. She's been with me through most of the most significant parts of my life.

Increasingly her political views are become pretty extreme (on the right). Having been someone who described herself as a "left winger" and "progressive" for most of our friendship, she has now pivoted in the space of about two years to being someone who is "open to hearing from" Tommy Robinson, believes that Muslims in the UK are a threat to our safety, goes on ad nauseam about the grooming gangs etc. Believes the current government is antisemitic. Has very extreme views on gay people: she's gone from a position of being anti-trans (which I don't agree with but is more understandable) to basically saying all gay people have been brainwashed by the left. Everything, and I mean everything, is "woke".

To be really clear: I don't agree with any of these positions and I find some of them abhorrent but I acknowledge her right to hold these views. I'm pretty much a centrist, politically, slightly left of centre but not an extreme leftist (I was always politically to the right of her). But I'm very relaxed about being friends with people from different backgrounds and discussing different viewpoints, I just can't stomach having to endlessly debate this stuff. It's impossible to talk about anything else and I find it exhausting and just want to talk about normal things once in a while.

I've previously said to her that she and I will never agree on, for example, the need to expel Muslims from the UK, I respect that its her right to hold these views but I find them abhorrent and upsetting and can we just agree not to talk about this subject as I find it difficult. But she won't accept this and will always bring every discussion around to this, without fail. I can't spend more than about ten minutes in her company or on the phone talking about anything neutral without a rant about Muslims or gays or the "woke media". It's as if its some sort of compulsion, an attention seeking thing to bring everything back to her political position.

I suppose I've got to a point where I find this so toxic and exhausting I can't deal with it any more and have been avoiding spending time with her and I feel guilty. I've been wrestling with whether to tell her directly why I can't handle it or just let the friendship drift. She's lost touch with a lot of our mutual friends from the past recently because people can't deal with the politics: old friends have basically ghosted her and I know she is sad and confused about this. I sort of feel she is owed an explanation, we've known one another for so long, but I also can't face getting into a long debate about why I've been brainwashed by the woke media etc etc. I don't have the mental bandwidth for it.

Do I owe this to her? Or should I just accept that the friendship is over.

I think you sound great op. She's lucky to have you as a friend. I think you realise you need to set some boundaries around discussing politics. I hope you can maintain the friendship. I used to be pretty left wing and would now describe myself as a centrist. Leaving the left has made me massively more tolerant of different political viewpoints. I don't necessarily want to listen to people going on about it though.

Thank you. I agree that its about respectful boundaries.

From what I am reading OP, it sounds as though you’re not considering ending the friendship because you have differing political opinions but rather because she won’t stop talking about them. I can easily be friends with people whose views don’t align with my own, I also enjoy a discussion about those topics with people who may not agree with me, but it’s the turning everything you say in to something political that I find tiresome, no matter if they’re on the left or the right.
An example - me sharing what I thought was the lovely news of my DS advancing in his reading and us having a lovely time together reading Harry Potter and my friend having a go back at me because apparently JKR is killing trans people.

I'm with you OP. It's not the different opinions and political positions that bother me whatsoever, it's the increasing need that people feel in recent times to continually publicise their opinions and the personalised critism you get if you don't agree with them. It's tedious and boring.
I think you just have to tell her straight up. If it doesn't change her behaviour after telling her then you have to cut contact. It will be like some grieving process after 30 years of friendship, but what else can you do.

If you wanted to ditch her because she brought every conversation round to trains, what her favourite train was, why trains are great, and how you were an idiot for travelling by bus...I think you'd have a lot fewer people telling you what a bigot etc you are.

Ironic that you're being accused of not listening to her by people sharing her opinions, who clearly didn't pay the slightest attention to your repeated descriptions of just how much you've bloody listened to her.

I have a similar friend and just say I can’t listen to it. Thankfully she gets it and we don’t discuss politics. If your friend persists I would just tell her you can’t listen to the racist comments any more and she either needs to stop discussing it or your friendship is over. Don’t feel guilty. Is she otherwise a nice person?

Exactly, and let’s face it - we are allowed to choose friends based on shared values and character and if they express an opinion which conflicts with my values I’m well within my rights to end the friendship. And vice versa.

Friendship, like dating, is not equal opportunity, you don’t need to go around making sure all views are contained and expressed within your social circle.

I love that with the exception of one or two friends that have gone rogue my friends may
not all vote for the same political party but we tend to agree on issues around equality, immigration, valuing diversity and anti-racism.

My circle isn’t a safe space for the kind of views expressed by OPs friend and that’s ok.

@RandomNameChangeAlgorithm Really good friends don’t have quite the same boundaries though. They know you well and think they are immune from your criticism. We’ve had friends who lecture us and we’ve had enough. They weren’t like this until Reform and it goes too far. I don’t know why they think we are interested in Reform but they have become pompous and rude. If friends don’t respect your views, and our former friends don’t, you aren’t really friends are you?

I’m not sure how you wish to go forward with your friend, but we won’t be seeing ours again - we are backing out. There’s no discussion to be had because they continually state they are right and our opinions are not valued or even part of the conversation. If we say anything contrary to their views, we don’t understand the topic. We do. It’s the end snd after more than 30 years it’s sad but they have new Reform “friends” but they didn’t go to their wedding but have more value than us.

@OhDear111 “We’ve had friends who lecture us and we’ve had enough. They weren’t like this until Reform”

Can I ask, were you forthcoming with your non-Reform views before Reform? Because I often feel like the liberal half of the country got so used to pushing their views without any pushback that they began assuming that everyone agreed with them. When in actual fact they were the ones boring on about politics for years while everyone else just listened politely, or else kept quiet for fear of being called racists, terfs, and so on.

Now they’re making the mistake of blaming everything on Reform, when in actual fact it’s more that they don’t have the floor to themselves anymore.

@Sskka No - absolutely not! That is because we didn’t talk about politics! We have lots of other interests and so have they. It’s Reform and their membership of Reform. We don’t push political views (never have with anyone!) because dh and me aren’t totally aligned and we don’t have a political home. We didn’t vote at the last election because we don’t agree with any party and haven’t for a while. So no, we didn’t talk about our views. Both them and us ran businesses and that was the common interest plus holidays, pets, local issues, other acquaintances within the business sector and their housing projects - to name just a few.

I would just add that we, and many friends, we upset about Brexit. This couple were the only friends who supported Brexit and we shut up about it! These days we’ve got friends who were traditional Labour but have used private schools and private health. We note it but don’t stand on a soap box saying how hypocritical they are. We let if go and understand their reasoning. We’ve never voted Labour but many friends did or do. The important thing is, it’s not divisive.

Now we have this massive political division and lobbying for Reform and it’s unpalatable and I’m not even allowed to say I value the bbc and immigrants who work in the NHS! Our DD is a barrister and they even rubbished her career. Their DD had needed to go to court and all barristers are useless apparently, so she self represented coached by her know all dad who failed at business. It’s just not what we want to hear. So we’ve bowed out.

They're sounding increasingly less like your friends tbh.

Oh I'm really sorry you have a friend like this. I have a husband like this and you are right... it is exhausting. I know the pressure of just wanting a "normal" conversation without it turning into a diatribe about the gays, the muslims, anti semitism, what's happening in venuzuala etc etc... A simple hi how are you? would suffice!! Seriously I think the best thing is to tell your friend why you are pulling back..it's the right thing to do and maybe she will get a bit of an insight into how her conversations are affecting others. (Tho unfortunately it didn't have any effect on my husband).

You don't sound at all unreasonable to me, OP. I don't agree with the sentiment from some "you're cutting people off because they have different opinions" or from others that "it's just consequences for her bigotry" either like some of the more hardline responses on here (both ends of the political spectrum). I can't stand authoritarians or any stripe either.

I also think this isn't a "political views" problem as much as a social etiquette, boundaries and how to behave with others who do not share your views/beliefs problem. Politics CAN operate very much like religion (though not always) and your friend appears to be in the zealot missionary camp trying to convert you. Once you've had any discussions you're going to have about it, to keep going on and on is a big no no, and becomes boring and uncomfortable for everyone.

I have friends and family of a wide range of political persuasions and have only ever had problems of this nature with one - my father. I'm on the left myself, pretty much share your views on both "hot" topics (am gc and in regards to immigration though like you and being exploited by the right, I think it's mostly exacerbating the far deeper structural and resource problems we have, and would vociferously disagree with your friend on her comments about gay people etc which are non factual and homophobic imo) but my father was extremely rigid about his, had erroneously decided I was some kind of Evil Marxist despite not actually really knowing my views and insisted on trying to 'force' conversations with me which were designed to be lectures/rants where I was told I was stupid rather than the two way style discussions I would have with most other people, despite us often having different views. I think he was angry that I didn't just fall in with what he saw as his clearly superior opinion.

So no, this isn't a you problem or even a politics problem. This is a her personally and social etiquette problem, I'd say.

I agree an old friend is due an explanaton if you withdraw. Can you tell her frankly that you can't sustain the friendship if conversations always revert to the topics you don't wish to discuss? Perhaps express how you value the her that is not about her angry views but about other things you share or have shared in the past. Could you both agree to keep your friendship at that level? If she breaks any agreement you make together, then let it go.

As PPs have suggested, write to her and tell her that you no longer want to discuss politics because your views have diverged so much, but you’d still love her in your life - and can she see a solution?

I’ve actually seen her since I posted this: we went for a drink a couple of weeks ago and it was nice and uneventful, no drama and no politics.

I think she has accepted that we have different positions on this and that we aren’t going to see eye to eye. There is some distance between us and thats fine because I was starting to find her hammering away at me really draining, and I needed some space, but the respect and the friendship are still there.

Our relationship has evolved and that’s OK.