Husband is a good father/husband with a bad habit (coke addiction)

[ThatBlueShaker]

Mum of three, turning 40 this year in August. My husband and I have been together since we were 18. We met on the first day of uni and were basically in a relationship within a month. We were together all through uni for three years. After we graduated, he went travelling and ended up in Switzerland teaching people how to ski. I stayed in England, worked at Waitrose for about a year, then went travelling around South America for about nine months.

That time was really fun. I met lots of new people and slept with new people too. It was all new to me because I’d only ever been with one person, whereas even before we met, my husband had already had other relationships.

When I came back, he was back in England too and we got back together. I love him so much. He’s a great father and a great partner. The problem is that he does coke every time there’s a social event. I never used to mind because it was only when we were out or when he was with friends, but now I really hate it. I want to be able to go out with my husband without him messaging his dealer.
He says it helps him in social situations. Sometimes, if he has an important meeting at work with a big client, he’ll do coke to calm himself down. It’s become so normalised that I sometimes forget other people’s husbands aren’t coke addicts. Last night we went to the pub with friends while his parents had the kids. Two drinks in, he was already off to the toilet. When he came back, he was a completely different person. Some of his friends do it too lawyers, finance people and they say they can’t function without it.

He is an amazing dad to our kids (9, 7 and 5 two boys and a girl). They adore him, and I’ve never felt like I’m parenting on my own. His friends, my friends, my family, teachers pretty much everyone around us have commented on what a great father he is. The same goes for being a husband. I can’t fault him. I’ve never felt unloved.

Today I decided to talk to him about the coke. I told him that this year he needs to get help and quit, otherwise he needs to leave the house. I was crying when I said it because it’s not what I want. But seeing him last night, and noticing just how different he is on coke, really hit me. The difference is stark, and I don’t think I’ve ever truly paid attention to it before.

I know a few people like this, I always worry that they will drop dead with heart problems. It is sadly very common.

One thing I thought, do you think taking it calms him down as he says, does he actually seem calmer? I only ask because I was talking to a specialist about ADHD and they mentioned that it can be a sign of ADHD if you take coke and it calms you down, as it acts in a similar way to the meds they prescribe for it.

Cocaine and ADHD: Everything you should know

Just a thought!

@ThatBlueShakersorry but you are very gullible if you believe he’s only using coke occasionally. He’s lying to you even though you think he isn’t. He’s a functioning addict to the point where no one would notice he’s taking it everyday (even you). When he went into the toilets and you noticed he was completely different when he came back out that wasn’t because he took coke for the first time that night, it was because he took more / a top up. He’s telling you half truths to ease his conscience to appear he’s being honest with you. Addicts know every trick in the book and you’re naive to keep believing his ‘honesty’.

Believe me, I worked in this area for 4 years and I’ve heard all the stories about being an occasional coke user for all kinds of situations - social anxiety, work stress, meetings, weddings, partner giving birth etc etc. No one is EVER an occasional coke user and it wrecks lives and families eventually. Users start to believe their own lies early on so that makes it ok in their minds. No matter how calm an addict appears to be they eventually become volatile as coke will lead to pyschotic episodes. This is not someone who should be around children no matter how ‘good a father’ you think he is. He is under the influence of coke while he’s playing with the children and don’t think for one second he isn’t.

OP. Check out Amber Hollingsworth on YouTube.

I went through very similar to yourself. It was and still is a long road to recovery.

I had to work on myself too though. The YouTube channel I’ve mentioned was the single best source of information I found. I had to access other supports but this was my staple.

it will be a long road - the mask has to come off. Be prepared for a fight of your life. It is worth it because it’s a lie to allow it to continue.

rooting for you x

I don’t know anything about coke.

But I just wanted to respond to the OP as the person I see written on the page…

It sounds to me like you know this is wrong.

It doesn’t sound like you are ready to give it up.

To give up your lifestyle, money, friends, DH’s job, DH himself and the relationship you have with him.

I think it would be a really good idea for you to go to counselling on your own about this and get some help thinking your life and what you want.

I also think you should spend time with a financial advisor and solicitor to understand your position in the event of 1) death, 2) divorce, 3) financial ruin

*corrected for typos in first sentence

I totally get your viewpoint, never tried smoking or drugs.
You mention anxiety, what has helped and calmed me is beech band , a tapping device,relatively new out.
Have one to cope with mobility and Parkinson’s anxiety ( I have 2), battery life about 3.5 hrs.
63 and mid stage
it won’t cure the addiction, may help, research it,relatively cheap too

Im really sorry to hear this and hope you and your family are doing ok x

Sad to see some of the obnoxious comments on here. I applaude you for the way you are approaching this, if your husband wants to stop given your ultimatum - with your support and help from professionals, he has the best chance of doing so. Keep supporting (not enabling!), and the very best of luck for you and your family.

To add. We did separate for approx 1 year. He basically chose the drugs. Then he hit rock bottom. Lost everything and has hopefully found himself. It was my finding steroids that brought it all out. But yeah. Feeling like you don’t actually know your husband isn’t easy to describe and a post would not suffice. It’s been tough. 24 years together.

It felt like a mental health crisis he went through. He struggled with himself but I refuse to live a life of lies. It’s growth and the real him/us. Or nothing. I think you possibly feel the same. It’s so hard and I hope he has it in him. You need to let him fall tho and not save him. Good luck.

Now that you've issued an ultimatum (which if I'm honest I think you'll struggle to honor as you love him so much), prepare for him to start hiding and lying.

Coke = instant confidence, which is why it's so popular with high achievers (and losers who want to feel like high achievers).

It's a tricky one OP because he might not see it as an addiction, since it doesn't impact his home life or general function.

Every drug, including coffee and alcohol, serves a very specific purpose and the problem with coke is that finding another way to overcome anxiety, and feel like a hero on demand, is extremely difficult.

That his family is more important to him. You're not, and that's horrible, but I think you need to start planning for a future without him as your husband.

Do you think he's 'better' than street addicts?

100%

An ex of mine who used to occasionally do coke "socially" had a massive heart attack at the age of 39 and died. He had no other health issues and apart from the coke use was fit and well. Coroner ruled that it was an acute heart attack brought on by cocaine use. We weren't together when he died as I actually broke up with him 5 years previously due to his coke use. I had heard about his death from a friend and I wasn't surprised one bit.

Men who risk their health like this and risk leaving their kids without a father young are completely irresponsible and reckless, and that is without taking into consideration any of the other massive issues that comes with cocaine use.

You're a fucking idiot then, sorry.

He won't quit, OP. Just being realistic!

She’s selfish and is happy for her husband to have a good time at the expense of people getting murdered and the Amazon rainforest destroyed. She and her husband deserve each other.

I agree with this. I was a Coke addict 20-25 years ago and recently diagnosed with adhd. The medication very much gives me the clarity and focus that cocaine did. I raised the same thing earlier, especially if he’s awake in the mornings to go the gym etc without a harsh come down.

it’s ridiculously common for drug addicts to have undiagnosed adhd

I think the first thing YOU need to do is stop making excuses for him:

I wanted people to have a good time at our wedding
It’s only when he’s out with his friends/at Arsenal
Everybody in his circle does it/ it’s normalised
It calms him down before client meetings
He’s always done it
It started at boarding school
He still gets up in the morning

Is there any part of life he can get through WITHOUT cocaine? Because it very much doesn’t sound like it.

It will be worth you attending some sort of drug addiction therapy or group for family. As you've said you've enabled him for so long, and although his addiction is not your fault you will need help to stop enabling him.

Even here you're saying you want him to stop but you've said you asked him to "try" to get help.
That's softening language, you're so used to pandering to his addiction you don't even realise.

So regardless of what he does next, you need to get help and support for yourself.

Just as an addict can't do it alone, neither can their families.

Similar story here. A friend’s husband (coke and alcohol addictions but functioning addict), had a heart attack at the wheel. He was driving downhill and crashed his car at speed into a concrete post on a bend and died from his horrific injuries. Luckily, no-one else was involved in the crash.

I’ve often thought how utterly miraculous it was that friend and kids weren’t in the car at the time! 😢

I didn't see your earlier post, but interesting that you found this too!

I know for certain he doesn’t have any debt. He had more than enough money he’s not dipping into our children’s savings. He does have his own money.

Okay well I don’t need any judgment I came here for support thanks you are able to just ignore a post

They have said I am a “great” mother too.

I think you’re making assumptions here