Husband is a good father/husband with a bad habit (coke addiction)

[ThatBlueShaker]

Mum of three, turning 40 this year in August. My husband and I have been together since we were 18. We met on the first day of uni and were basically in a relationship within a month. We were together all through uni for three years. After we graduated, he went travelling and ended up in Switzerland teaching people how to ski. I stayed in England, worked at Waitrose for about a year, then went travelling around South America for about nine months.

That time was really fun. I met lots of new people and slept with new people too. It was all new to me because I’d only ever been with one person, whereas even before we met, my husband had already had other relationships.

When I came back, he was back in England too and we got back together. I love him so much. He’s a great father and a great partner. The problem is that he does coke every time there’s a social event. I never used to mind because it was only when we were out or when he was with friends, but now I really hate it. I want to be able to go out with my husband without him messaging his dealer.
He says it helps him in social situations. Sometimes, if he has an important meeting at work with a big client, he’ll do coke to calm himself down. It’s become so normalised that I sometimes forget other people’s husbands aren’t coke addicts. Last night we went to the pub with friends while his parents had the kids. Two drinks in, he was already off to the toilet. When he came back, he was a completely different person. Some of his friends do it too lawyers, finance people and they say they can’t function without it.

He is an amazing dad to our kids (9, 7 and 5 two boys and a girl). They adore him, and I’ve never felt like I’m parenting on my own. His friends, my friends, my family, teachers pretty much everyone around us have commented on what a great father he is. The same goes for being a husband. I can’t fault him. I’ve never felt unloved.

Today I decided to talk to him about the coke. I told him that this year he needs to get help and quit, otherwise he needs to leave the house. I was crying when I said it because it’s not what I want. But seeing him last night, and noticing just how different he is on coke, really hit me. The difference is stark, and I don’t think I’ve ever truly paid attention to it before.

But he is dipping into children's savings or family money. What he is spending on drugs, no matter how well paid he is, could be added to pensions for you or him, or to savings for children for university or for house deposits for them. You're enabling him by saying this.

Because you and your friends use drugs doesn't mean everyone does.

What a lack of understanding of simple English you have then.

Alternatively, your very weak explanation implying you meant the general population rather than specifically accusing me, then there are far better ways to have said that.

I also didn't say everyone will know someone who uses.

As you work in a high school, can I kindly suggest you attend some English lessons?

Apart from anything else, he’s supporting a lot of really nasty people with his habit.

I don’t need obnoxious comments for no reason. You do not know me at all I’ve come here with an issue that is all no need for the judgment/ arbitrary assumptions.

Okay well that’s now what’s happening right now. I don’t need any judgment of obnoxiousness. I’m already low as it is, there’s a lot going on in my life other than my husbands addiction. I have a miscarriage recently , a long time friend passed away.

No point in commenting to be obnoxious saying I’m enabling I’ve said I have now what. I’m trying to make the situation better no need for the judgment you’re able to ignore and not interact wish the post. Just leave it

There's no such thing as a good father with a coke addiction.

That poster didn't make an obnoxious comment, they said the truth. When challenged, all drug addicts lie about their usage, they just do. Ask anyone who has lived with or has treated an addict, they will tell you the same.

You do not need to be obnoxious there’s more nuance to the post than what I posted otherwise I will be here all day.

We have paid for the house, my children will always have a roof over their heads. My children have enough to go to university and or do whatever they want in the future, they have money to travel take a gap year etc they’re not going to not not have money they'll fine please refrain from such assumptions about my children

It wasn't an obnoxious comment.

It's a comment on how difficult it is to stick with such a decision especially when you have already framed him as a 'good dad'. It makes you vulnerable to wanting to believe he's changed and not taking the warning signs of lies seriously.

It's a reflection of what adults with an addiction do when confronted and what happens.

Your reaction in dismissing this post demonstrates the first point perfectly. You are still somewhat in denial and don't want to admit certain hard truths to yourself because you love him.

You are vulnerable to emotional abuse and gaslighting by him as a result.

Again it wasn't obnoxious.

It's an inconvenient truth to you that you don't want to take seriously.

It was a well meaning concern for you.

Things are OK now, because your husband has been fortunate. He's not been caught drug driving, his employers haven't noticed or are turning a blind eye because its not impacting his performance. He has the means to stick thousands of pounds up his nose without getting into debt or depriving you. He has you to make sure the wheels don't fall off entirely and his health is holding, as yet. Yet being the important word for all the above.
However, you need to consider the long game. Drug addicts tend to go one of two ways. They get clean, or they destroy their lives and those around them. What doesn't tend to happen is that they live to a ripe old age, in good health, with happy functional relationships, merrily doing lines in their 80s with no one any the wiser.
He needs to stop while he's ahead OP, and if he doesn't, get out while you are.

OP I hope I can say this without causing upset as I do actually understand your situation very well, but you don't sound ready to deal with this. The language you use is still enabling/excusing and much as you want it to be a simple please darling enough now and him saying yes, you need to understand it just isn't going to happen. In terms of breaking his addiction, it's no different to a drug addict in the traditional sense - he may need to detox, you will both need support and he may need to hit rock bottom before he is ready. I completely understand why you may choose not to push it as you love him dearly and it will need a massive, potentially life-changing shift for your family, but it's also important for you to recognise your involvement in enabling this.

I would start by trying to get him to open up about exactly how much & how often he's actually taking it as I can 100% guarantee it's more than you think.

I know you say you are aware and he is being honest with you but I highly doubt it. I could have written your post 2 years ago but what has come out since then has shown how much he was lying.

Addicts will always understate the extent of their habit. My advice for you is to start being much more nosy about his finances and habits.

You said earlier that he doesn’t have it in the house and again, I would question that.

He is eating into your future - the money he is spending could be paying off your mortgage, investing in the saving for university for kids or just adding to pension. Just because he isn’t in dept doesn’t mean it isn’t affecting the family finances.

I think you need to open your eyes a bit more. It doesn’t matter how ‘normal’ it has become, it isn’t right.

I commend you choosing to help him but ultimately you may need to make a choice if he chooses the drugs over his family. Listen to some of the advice on this thread as you are far from alone in going through this and lots of us have been burnt in the same way.

my dh had an excellent job and from the outside we were a stable middle class family until we weren’t and it is his drug taking that has been the underlying problem.

Of course they do. It’s a disease I’m married to an addict I know. I have a brother who was an addict now sober for 10 years with his family and kids. His wife stuck by him. I know about addiction I know how painful it is.

Everyone on here seems quite ruthless able to just cut off someone just like that not even giving them a chance. If I was in his position I would like to be given a chance. If I suddenly got addicted to pain meds after a surgery I’d like for him to support me. I had an eating disorder in my 20s he supported he didn’t just write me off.

Maybe everyone here finds it easier to do so for me it’s tough. I’ve had a terrible year and have felt very supported by my husband.

Can I ask why you've issued an ultimatum then?

You seem absolutely certain that your husband's drug abuse hasn't impacted on you or your kids in 22 years. So why ask him to stop?

I’m really sorry for all of you. From your follow up posts it doesn’t sound like you’re any more ready to tackle this than he is. I hope nothing terrible happens before you both wake up but in the meantime I’d make sure you have your own untouchable money and a plan for when it all falls apart and he ends up dead or in jail. As others have said it’s incredibly unlikely that he just continues like this for the next 40 years so one thing or another is fairly inevitable.

Oh and make sure he keeps his drugs secure - if he says he has nothing on him he’s lying so make that your first ultimatum (whatever the word ultimatum means to you as it doesn’t appear you’re actually considering leaving). Literal worst case scenario is your kids finding it and having a horrible tragedy.

And remember that an awful lot of what you like about him will be the drugs as you’ve never seen him without. My husband had a massive surprise when his friend finally got sober after a decade - turns out he wasn’t really loud and spontaneous, he was just drunk a lot. They’re still great friends but it was an adjustment.

I understand the point you’re trying to make, but the wording feels unnecessarily harsh. I’m already taking steps to protect my children and address the situation.

I’ve just gone through your remaining comments and OP I’m sorry to say but I agree with PPs, it’s very, very likely you don’t know the full extent of his usage. Most addicts will minimise it and try to save face for as long as they can, especially because he knows you’re not a user yourself. With my partner I also thought I knew everything (I’m not a user but we talked openly so I though he’d have no reason to lie) and it couldn’t be further from the truth. Same for every other addict I’ve known since (he works in addiction recovery now).

But most importantly and I don’t mean to say this to scare you or anything, the enablement needs to stop because it will very likely extend to your children. I know it sounds horrendous and improbable but I know multiple cases of parents who go on to use with their children - and it seems to be always coke because it’s been so downplayed in the UK so the excuse is that it’s just a party drug and not that bad. These people I know are also all from different classes and backgrounds, it’s that widespread.

If not for yourself, you need to protect your children from it.

I wonder why those connected to louche people with drug addictions come on here.

Is it to hear that:

1. the addiction is fuelling crime, such as the trafficking of girls, across the world;
2. It’s fuelling crime in the UK, wrecking lives and importing the horrible seedy results;
3. possession of a class A drug is an imprisonable offence (or huge fine for a first time offence);
4. the addict would lose his FSA registration, his job, his bonus of millions and possibly have to pay back previous bonuses of millions; and
5. the addict is exposed to (probably tacit) blackmail.

I wonder which of these consequences resonates most with addicts and their partners. Different people have different moral compasses so it will vary.

People are trying to help you see/accept your situation, I think that's pretty supportive! This has been the norm for you, so it's probably hard for you to understand why it's so catastrophic.

A lot of responses on here are quite dogmatic tbh.

I appreciate you sharing your experience, and I understand why you feel strongly about this. I’m under no illusion that I may not know everything.

That said, suggesting it would extend to my children feels like a leap, and it’s not helpful for me right now. My focus is on getting him help and protecting our kids, which is already happening.

The thing is op. He is lying to himself. Because he knows and he minimises it to justify and is in denial therefore by virtue is lying to you also. He likely believes his lies at the surface.

you have just scratched the surface of recovery by the sounds of it but it will be a tough path. No matter what. Because it sounds like you’re done so whichever way will be hard. Bless you.

there is light at the end of the tunnel and when you get there it’s strange how quickly it feels but in the day to day night by night it is tough. It is so worth it. To be free, either way. I pray you all get out the other side together.

I read somewhere that the drug is like ‘the other woman’ and I get that now..

it really is the devil.

it screams out how he has been open to falling into it. But if there is enough love I believe love conquers all.

Hi ThatBlueShaker, I've worked in drug rehabilitation. It is possible. Send me a message if you want to chat.

You really need to stop feeling sorry for yourself, no one needs to tip toe around you. These people you’re calling obnoxious, harsh and judgemental are being perfectly polite.

You haven’t addressed that your husband is funding murders in South America and rainforest destruction.

I don't think they have said that cutting him off is the only solution.

Only that realistically this is how drug addicts behave and you are likely to have to deal with this shit before reaching a resolution - whether that be him actually quitting or you realising that actually he doesn't care about you and the kids and he's not a good dad because the drugs matter more.

You need to take these warnings seriously, because you are going to have to go through this process.

It remains a question of just how much more you can tolerate. You seem to think this is the final straw and yet there is a very real and realistic chance of it getting a lot worse still.

Do you want to put the kids through this? Honestly, get some advice from a drug support charity.