Husband is a good father/husband with a bad habit (coke addiction)

[ThatBlueShaker]

Mum of three, turning 40 this year in August. My husband and I have been together since we were 18. We met on the first day of uni and were basically in a relationship within a month. We were together all through uni for three years. After we graduated, he went travelling and ended up in Switzerland teaching people how to ski. I stayed in England, worked at Waitrose for about a year, then went travelling around South America for about nine months.

That time was really fun. I met lots of new people and slept with new people too. It was all new to me because I’d only ever been with one person, whereas even before we met, my husband had already had other relationships.

When I came back, he was back in England too and we got back together. I love him so much. He’s a great father and a great partner. The problem is that he does coke every time there’s a social event. I never used to mind because it was only when we were out or when he was with friends, but now I really hate it. I want to be able to go out with my husband without him messaging his dealer.
He says it helps him in social situations. Sometimes, if he has an important meeting at work with a big client, he’ll do coke to calm himself down. It’s become so normalised that I sometimes forget other people’s husbands aren’t coke addicts. Last night we went to the pub with friends while his parents had the kids. Two drinks in, he was already off to the toilet. When he came back, he was a completely different person. Some of his friends do it too lawyers, finance people and they say they can’t function without it.

He is an amazing dad to our kids (9, 7 and 5 two boys and a girl). They adore him, and I’ve never felt like I’m parenting on my own. His friends, my friends, my family, teachers pretty much everyone around us have commented on what a great father he is. The same goes for being a husband. I can’t fault him. I’ve never felt unloved.

Today I decided to talk to him about the coke. I told him that this year he needs to get help and quit, otherwise he needs to leave the house. I was crying when I said it because it’s not what I want. But seeing him last night, and noticing just how different he is on coke, really hit me. The difference is stark, and I don’t think I’ve ever truly paid attention to it before.

I hate it when teachers comment how great a father is. They don't tell that to the mothers, who are doing the same job and more without attention seeking. It smacks of performative parenting. What does he actually do, unobtrusively to be a 'great dad' without showiness for back pats?

I remember a school dad who would noisily horseplay all the kids and have them all chasing after him with glee. Everyone thought he was so great. I remember his wife saying quietly, 'If they knew what he was like behind closed doors.' Sounds like you have one of them.

He shouldn't need coke for social situations; he should learn how to handle them as a responsible adult, overcoming anxiety. It's not easy but it's better than being a cokehead. I have never met anyone who uses coke regularly who doesn't, over time, become a pompous, self-aggrandising, unreliable, irritable arse. You don't want to be married to someone like that and he certainly won't be a good parent then.

If he needs drugs to meet clients he is a serious addict
No way would I want someone like that near my kids
It is horrific
I have worked with cokeheads they are vile
what a disgusting example to set his kids
He is not a good father he does not give a shit he is scum

Doing coke is selfish and immoral. Every line destroys 3 m2 of Amazon rainforest. Every line funds the brutal criminal activities of South American gangs, including the murder of innocent people who get in their way.

Presumably you’re ok with this yourself as you’ve not had a problem with murder or rainforest destruction until now.

Also your husband is not a young man any more, younger coke addicts than him have keeled over from heart attacks.

OP, I wanted to send you support.

In the south west London bubble I don’t actually think this is that unusual and I think that will be lost on Mumsnet, which is very black and white on things like drug use and infidelity, when arguably the real world is a little more grey.

In high pressure finance roles etc I believe it really is widely used and it sounds like he’s had a traumatic childhood and all this drug taking is very normalised amongst rich, privileged kids.

That doesn’t necessarily help you what to do but I guess I didn’t want you to feel totally flamed for something which he manages in the majority. I guess the point is now he feels he needs it on a simple night out in the pub and it does seem he can’t stop. Which is scary. Keep thinking what you want and talk through with your therapist.

Good father/ husband - with a cocaine addiction.
Sorry, that doesn't add up for me.
Screw him.

40-50 year olds still doing coke are now developing bad heart issues. He isn't alone (it happens in our area too) but they all need to stop. The body can't cope with it like it could in its 20's!

In high pressure finance roles etc I believe it really is widely used and it sounds like he’s had a traumatic childhood and all this drug taking is very normalised amongst rich, privileged kids

Poor privileged rich kids. I'd send the lot of them over to work directly for the cartels they are supporting and see how long they survive.

I agree with this. Start with the teenagers running the county lines first though.

I think your ultimatum is entirely reasonable. I wouldn’t want me and my children to live with someone who does coke either.

How did he respond?

His friends, my friends, my family, teachers pretty much everyone around us have commented on what a great father he is

What does he do that makes him such an amazing father that everyone comments on it?

OP just repeating what a previous poster said about the NHS Drugs and Alcohol Service... They're REALLY good. I think people assume they'll be crap because it's NHS but mine were wonderful and I was seen quickly. 6 years sober in May.

Oh just seen you're in SW London. The one I went to was Wandsworth. They were amazing. I had a keyworker, an addiction counselor and an addiction physiologist. Can't praise them enough.

Hi @ThatBlueShaker

Just wanted to come on here and wish you luck really.

I have worked in an industry where coke was absolutely rife. As you say, I've seen many people take it and seemingly perform well at work, at social events and seemingly happily married. I've definitely known people take it on their wedding day.

I can see how easy it is to accept it as it appears like it's ok and they're ok.

I just wanted to highlight a couple of thoughts for you both to old on to, especially when he veers because he is finding it difficult.
I am 15 years older than you -and I have known 3 people in their late fifties in my industry die unexpectedly this year - all drug related. They were all massive users in their 20s 30s and 40s in ways you describe and their hearts gave out by their 50s. It was such a shock. It is not a drug to be taking when you're older. The sooner he stops the better.

Second - keep him thinking of all the crime, exploitation and cruelty that is behind every snort of cocaine he takes.
He should look into this more himself. Not just this country but in South America. It is not a "sparkly" drug. It is as grim as a shot of heroin from a dirty needle in a gutter. Your husband needs to start reframing how he sees it so his impetus for stopping is not just for you. But for himself as he finds it increasingly abhorrent.

Maybe he can get his highs from fitness, weights, running? This has helped a lot of people I know who need a "hit".

Wishing you all the very best x

Hi op, I am so sorry you are going through this, any type of addiction is a cruel and life wrecking thing. But it does need to be met with reality too and the reality of this is not good in my experience.
By the sounds of everything you've said he is an addict. I haven't got to read every reply but are you sure he's not doing it every day? You say there's no comedown hes up at the gym and preparing family breakfast? That sounds like someone who has done more coke to me.

If your husband is an addict, he is the same as every alcohol addict, every heroin addict etc in the country the only difference is the drug they are addicted to and if it is physical or mental dependence (ime both are as bad as eachother) But he wont see that because he is functioning and he is functioning because he has money.

When you go on a family holiday outside of the UK what happens? Can he go without for 2 weeks no issue?

Does he drive when doing coke? I mean if there's a possibility he is doing it the morning after to avoid a comedown, and you have said he is doing it at work at times then he likely drives on it I suspect? What if you left the kids with him or he picked them up on the way home and something happened, a crash or he got a bad bag and ended up unwell...I imagine social services are now involved because your kids have been put in an unsafe position because they were in the care of an addict?

The problem with addicts is the addiction makes them desperate and they will generally stop at absolutely nothing to get their fix. If an addict your husband doesnt have this problem as its readily available to him.

Then there is the kids getting older...in a couple of years you will need to be having the drugs talk with them, about the dangers of drugs, avoiding drugs etc, a few years after that they are very likely going to start noticing the changes in their dad and will soon cop to his drug problem as he gets older this addiction wont fade away, and generally becomes more noticeable. Kids cop to these things even if you think they dont.
What if they follow the same path? Dad does it so it must be ok....

He needs to get off the drug and he needs to do it ASAP but he also needs to want to do it and do it with the proper help. He will absolutely just lie to you at every chance possible to say hes off it otherwise. Not because he is a bad person, but because he is an addict. There is help out there and he can do it (but he has to want to) maybe counselling could be a good place to start as he seems to have issues socially.

I know lots of people like your DH and I’m really sorry to say that your ultimatum won’t work.

If he doesn’t want to stop using coke for himself then he won’t. It’s as simple as that.

You need to drop the ultimatum and decide if you want to be with him or not with the coke.

How was he different after taking the coke?

“Amazing father” my arse.

My view is you have known and lived with this for 22 years.
Now it is an ultimatum for your husband to give it up.
I would suggest trying to work out a compromise and a plan going forward as to how to support your husband with reducing usage and seeking help.

I've named changed for this as people in IRL don't know about this.

I could have written pretty much everything you have said. My husband: amazing involved and hands-on dad, attentive and loving husband, high achiever, seemingly fit and healthy would often go to the gym the morning after taking coke, great fun to be around etc. The only difference is I'm now a widow after he died of a heart attack age 47 just over 3 years ago. Please please don't underestimate the silent damage this habit is doing to your husband's body.

I actually thought mine had stopped in our 30's when we had DC and only found out a few months before he died when I joined him for a work trip and saw how open & rife it was still in the industry. I confronted DH and he initially downplayed it but did finally admit that bar a brief few months off, he gradually went back and just kept it very well hidden from me mainly limited to work do's and trips when I wasn't around but escalating to more social hence me discovering it. I went apoplectic and told him it was his family or coke. He said the right things but just couldn't/wouldn't do it and I was on the verge leaving him when he died - my fear then wasn't social or health but our teenage children finding out. I honestly used to have nightmares about the police or SS knocking on the door or one of them doing it and ending up dead after a reckless decision gone wrong.

In some ways I wish I'd never found out about it as our last few months together were very strained and it has unfortunately soured my memory of him and our marriage. My advice from my limited experience (4 months between finding out the extent of his habit and him dying):
Don't believe a word he says. Either about the extend of his habit, when he last took it or whether he's stopped. He will be downplaying and he will massively struggle to give up and that if he even wants to.
You are likely to have to leave him before he realises this is it - coke or you.
Get external support for you and him. Send him to the GP, engage in addiction services, get counselling.

And honestly, I'd say whilst he stays in that job/industry (probably same one as my husband from what you've said) he's highly unlikely to stop as he'll still be surrounded by everyone that has normalised it and not taking it is seen as some perverse weakness. Good luck op and do message me if you want any more advice or handholding.

I don't have much to add here except to say you're not wrong for wanting to work with him on this. He's your husband and as you say you'd hope he'd support you if the tables were turned. However, be prepared for a tough journey, possibly without the outcome you are hoping for. In the meantime, squirrel some money away if you need to, or do whatever you need to do to prepare for possibly leaving at some point. I'd want to know I'd given my marriage and my husband every chance of success. Hopefully he will come through it, no doubt with some bumps in the road. But maybe he won't. Be prepared for both. Good luck x

I have no idea why people say my alcoholic/drug taking partner is a great husband and father. He isnt either. He's a terrible example to the children and is risking prison every time. Not to mention exposing you all to drug dealers.
How would you feel if you were in hospital and your nurses and doctors were high on coke to get through a 12 hour shift? You would rightfully be appalled. This is someone who is looking after children.
He needs to get help to stop asap. Personally if I had a partner who was high on coke Id make them leave my house until they were clean. They would not be around my kids.

Also just to add to my above post I dont think you are wrong to want to support and help him...he is your husband, you love him deeply, the addiction is a part of him that you hate, but you love him as a person. But you need to be prepared for whats to come. It will not be nice, it will not be easy, you will likely see sides to him you have never seen before. In cases like this the person is often doing the drug a lot more than the partner realises. If you are going to support him through it please be sure you are getting help for yourself too, counselling etc and afterwards maybe get some couples counselling too. Please keep some money aside for yourself and have a back up plan incase the outcome is not what you would have wanted.
I felt so sad when I read your post saying you let him do coke at your own wedding because you wanted everyone to enjoy themselves...it was his wedding day, it should have been one of the best days of his life without coke. He absolutely should not have needed it to enjoy himself that day. That post made me feel so sad.
Im sorry you are going through this, but I genuinely do hope this all works out well in the end. Addicts 100% can and do recover, many very successfully, but they are still addicts for the rest of their lives so he may need to ditch the friends who normalise drug use and make big changes to his lifestyle in general after to keep himself away from the drug, and get help for his anxiety, social struggles etc. Not every addict recovers though and relapse rates are high so just mentally prepare yourself as much as you can for all possibilities.
Please keep updated on how things go, will be thinking of you x

He's normalised being an addict to you but it doesn't sound as if he has ever admitted he needs help?

I worked in A&E, we use to call cocaine “cardiac killer coke” as it can cause cardiac arrest due to several reasons: increased Oxygen demand, reduced blood flow, blood clot formation, accelerated atherosclerosis, arrhythmias and structural damage, he’s avoided this (as far you know) so far….. it’s just a matter of time.

He’s a drug addict, are his wider family aware?, his employer? Imagine if your children’s school became aware, he’s done well to just keep it hidden to his social circle, but again… it’s just a matter of time.

Ultimatums don’t tend to work well for drug addicts, I’d tell his parents or his employer, give him a wake up call.

I knew a guy very similar to this. Life and soul of the party and it all seemed pretty harmless and possibly in control. After a heavy weekend end he had a cardiac arrest at the wheel and crashed his car and died. Large amounts of cocaine found in his system.

Seeing his kids crying at his funeral and dealing with the gossip regarding their dad being ‘a coke head’ was hugely sobering!