Husband is a good father/husband with a bad habit (coke addiction)

[ThatBlueShaker]

Mum of three, turning 40 this year in August. My husband and I have been together since we were 18. We met on the first day of uni and were basically in a relationship within a month. We were together all through uni for three years. After we graduated, he went travelling and ended up in Switzerland teaching people how to ski. I stayed in England, worked at Waitrose for about a year, then went travelling around South America for about nine months.

That time was really fun. I met lots of new people and slept with new people too. It was all new to me because I’d only ever been with one person, whereas even before we met, my husband had already had other relationships.

When I came back, he was back in England too and we got back together. I love him so much. He’s a great father and a great partner. The problem is that he does coke every time there’s a social event. I never used to mind because it was only when we were out or when he was with friends, but now I really hate it. I want to be able to go out with my husband without him messaging his dealer.
He says it helps him in social situations. Sometimes, if he has an important meeting at work with a big client, he’ll do coke to calm himself down. It’s become so normalised that I sometimes forget other people’s husbands aren’t coke addicts. Last night we went to the pub with friends while his parents had the kids. Two drinks in, he was already off to the toilet. When he came back, he was a completely different person. Some of his friends do it too lawyers, finance people and they say they can’t function without it.

He is an amazing dad to our kids (9, 7 and 5 two boys and a girl). They adore him, and I’ve never felt like I’m parenting on my own. His friends, my friends, my family, teachers pretty much everyone around us have commented on what a great father he is. The same goes for being a husband. I can’t fault him. I’ve never felt unloved.

Today I decided to talk to him about the coke. I told him that this year he needs to get help and quit, otherwise he needs to leave the house. I was crying when I said it because it’s not what I want. But seeing him last night, and noticing just how different he is on coke, really hit me. The difference is stark, and I don’t think I’ve ever truly paid attention to it before.

Even someone with their head firmly in the sand like you op must realise that taking coke on your wedding day is, well, pretty scummy to be honest.

Kindly, OP, I'd be very surprised if he didn't have drugs in the house. I've known coke users over the years, and unless he's consumes exactly every gram/half gram he buys, then he's going to have in his wallet.

Also, you know what he's telling you. But that might not be the extent of it. For example, when you noticed his behaviour change in the pub, it might have been a significant build up in his system, not just his first line.

I know regular users and you don't always notice until they've had a lot of the stuff.

I hope he is able to get the support to knock it on the head. My mate did after years of being a high functioning addict, but they were really motivated to do it themselves.

Ah, you're assuming I use.

I don't.

Some of my friends do use, most of them don't. The friends that do are in industries where it's rife. OPs posts have made me reflect that all the men I know of who use are all private school educated.

I don't come across as judgemental, so people feel free to talk openly to me.

I certainly don't assume another person is a user because they have friends who use.

Unlike you.

Your post is a great example of the lack of understanding most MNers display. I refer you back to the part of my post you quoted.

He’s an addict that’s why

why do people kill theirselves and leave their kids /families

why do they gamble with their life each snort

only takes one bad one to harm self

And is he driving whilst high? Are you happy with kids as his passengers???

What is your financial situation? In your position I would keep a hawk eye on the money. Just because your lifestyle is good doesn't mean it's built on a solid foundation, that filth is expensive, and promotes irresponsible behaviour. Stash some away in your own name and don't let him know about it.

Many many years ago I had a friend, a SAHM, whose husband was a dentist with an addiction. They lived in a huge detached Victorian house, with his consulting rooms on the ground floor, had three kids in private schools, daily cleaner, gardener, two family cars and a sports car, holiday cottage in Cornwall. Not a care in the world. Until she found herself homeless with three traumatised kids to care for as he had run up debt everywhere, remortgaged their house etc etc. Addicts are not trustworthy.

It’s abhorrent to think that my new husband needs drugs to enjoy his own wedding day.

I think you have done the right thing by giving him an ultimatum. If he makes a change is down to him. Addictions are hard to get under control. Coke addicts are often liars it may be worse than you think. It also as you probably know damages the heart as it speeds up the heart rate which is risking his health every time he takes it. Addicts need to want to change for themselves not just those around them which is the hard part.

WTAF 🤢

OP I think he would need to seek help to come off the coke. He can get tablets for social anxiety from his gp (beta blockers for example) if he suffers from that without the coke.
he would need professional support and to cut ties with his friends who still do coke when they go out.

Im sorry this is absolutely not true. I work in a profession part of which looks at all drugs deaths. There is no safe dose of cocaine. It disrupts electrical currents in the heart and every single dose, even a small one, has the potential to stop your heart regardless of how long its been taken without "issue".

OP I agree with others who say you've under reacted for years. Cocaine is like cannabis where someone might have grown it in a pot on their windowsill. The production of cocaine is fuelled by murder and trafficking and human suffering. Just because your professional husband receives it via a sanitised phone number like its a pizza delivery doesnt mean he isnt directly contributing to the production and all it entails.

I could not tolerate someone who can overlook that.

let me ask you, if your husband, god forbid, crashed the car whilst on coke, kids in the back- could you forgive yourself?
this was how I had to think about the situation-
mine was completely high functioning but on a daily habit, every holiday revolves around him finding a dealer or smuggling some in his suitcase. I gave up begging him to stop as he just couldn’t and wouldn’t and would just lie about it then. So that in turn meant I was an enabler too. He wouldn’t stop for thr birth of any of our kids, nothing!
so I thought to myself one day- if he had an accident whilst looking after our kids- would I forgive him?! No I would not, and I would never forgive myself for being a part of enabling him. This October i finally asked for a divorce! He may seem like a great dad and on paper I suppose he is to everyone else, but I in turn must have higher standards because other great dads do not do drugs! I also dont want my kids thinking I agree with drugs when they eventually find out what daddy does, and they will, one day!
please think about it- leaving him won’t stop him, but you and your kids are worth so much more than this life!

Sorry OP but your complicit acceptance in his drug habit is unfathomable to me.

It’s an expensive, illegal, class A drug that he has been taking for decades. he would have never have made it down the aisle with me - and as for being a ‘good father and husband’? Really? How many times has he driven your children while under the influence, how much money has he spent on this drug that could have been used for family/save for university?

I find it incomprehensible that you have condoned this and gone on to have children with him.

I didnt assume you personally used. I said you (ie people) are more likely to know users if you are a user. If that is your circle, you'll have it in your circle. People who arent in those jobs, dont use and dont have that lifestyle are less likely to know coke addicts.

You were the judgemental one saying everyone will know someone who uses, even if they dont know it.

what a lack of understanding about human behaviour. Shameful.

🙄

Congratulations on being clean from drugs and good luck battling the alcohol. Thats a hard road and you've done amazingly well to be clean of the drugs.

I think you should give him a chance to get clean. However please remember the reason he has not lied about anything before is because you have accepted it. If he starts trying to come clean, that may be when the lying starts. X

This. If he has a coke habit he is not a good father or husband.

OP a great husband and father would not be using illegal drugs and wasting money buying it. Someone who is often high cannot be trusted to safely look after his kids.

You have enabled his addiction for years so he has no incentive to sort himself out.

Make it clear you want him to start a rehab program or your relationship is over.

I'd get him to do some reading about what he is supporting and paying for.
Beaten and tortured: the north African children paying a bloody price for Europe’s insatiable appetite for cocaine
https://www.theguardian.com/global-development/ng-interactive/2024/jun/11/north-african-children-beaten-tortured-europe-cocaine-gangs

The cocaine networks are particularly brutal, say police. Children are told to sell a set quota of drugs or risk being gang raped. Videos confirm the threat is real. Others are forced to have sex with adults to secure a place in a squat. A report for Dutch justice officials found such “networks” ruled by savagery. It says: “The [networks] force them to do things; many of the boys have been raped and filmed when being raped.”

The gangs never used to kill children, now they do’: how cocaine created Argentina’s first narcocity.

https://www.theguardian.com/global-development/article/2024/jun/13/argentina-rosario-drug-trade-cocaine

The gangs never used to kill children, now they do. Children don’t play outside, they are scared. Gangs evict people from their homes, to use them to store drugs and weapons,” says Jérez, watched over by three heavily armed soldiers. “It was once peaceful here, but now the violence is daily.”

I always liked the expression that:
"Cocaine is nature's way of telling you that you are earning too much money".

Its extremely rare to have a good life with an addict OP. It's a very high risk lifestyle and your future could hold all sorts of nasties from criminalisation to involvement with very undesirable people, to serious health problems, death by drugs or accident, job loss, financial problems, cross addictions, mental health problems and loss of functionality. There is no way a man with children should be taking these risks and if I were you I'd be leaving him until he stopped.
From experience, this is the better way than issuing an ultimatum, pleading or offering support to stop. Because it almost never works and you continue the life of risk for a long time while he has false starts and adds lies and deceit to the mix, which is very hard to get past.
You should make it a choice between coke and his family and show him he needs to stop to have his family back.

I would be very surprised if he’s not doing it in the evenings at home, maybe not to the scale he would do it when out with friends or at an event but if he’s a functioning addict it’s very likely he’s small dosing at home, you will probably start to see the signs, dilated pupils, not hungry or only eating small amounts etc.

As hard as it is to confront him about the addiction and getting help you are in for a heck of a ride, because now it will become the elephant in the room, everytime you go out and he still does it it will become an argument, whereas before you turned a blind eye to it, now you will notice and become annoyed by it. Just make sure you’ve got some support in place, someone you can talk to IRL, I wouldn’t be surprised if by this time next year you find yourself ready to leave (although for your sake I do hope he turns a new leaf)

Just adding to other posts- apart from the destruction it causes to people and countries it comes from, the amount of money he is spending on it etc.
Being a nurse I've seen and heard of people who developed serous heart issues due to cocaine. Also the effects it must have on the brain.
For the sake of you and the children, he needs to get help to stop and maybe reduce or stop socialising with other people who use it.
You need to put your foot down now.

This is very true. Addicts are great liars - if you start paying attention or looking around, I’d guess you’ll already find some lies. As others said it’s likely he’s taking it much more often than he says, he’s probably spending more money than you think, there’s definitely drugs on him or in his car or in your house as he would buy however much at a time and use it up over several sessions. I’d guess he’s already lying or avoiding the truth and once you start pushing for change this will just escalate.